Russia Announces Gay Task Force To Patrol Winter Olympics
Sochi, Russia — The President of Russia, Vladimir Putin, is making headlines once again about his controversial stance concerning the gay community. This time Putin has announced a gay task force that will be patrolling the winter games in Sochi, Russia all of next month. Vladimir Putin told reporters, “It was not Adam and Steve, […]
Drugs In Colorado: New Deadly Strain Of Marijuana Turning Users Gay
Denver, CO — Just when you thought the drug problem in Colorado could not get any worse, law enforcement officials are now reporting incidents of marijuana users turning gay. “We’ve never seen anything like this,” said Dr. Paul Horner of the Barrow Neurological Institute. “The drug users in Colorado are injecting a strain of marijuana […]
New Chewing Tobacco Ad Campaign Targets Teenagers
488 px width Copenhagen has locked up the teen market not for rugged outdoorsy grizzle man anymore Be the first of your friends to start chewing Taking over teen 3 paragraphs no top left intro banner – or 250×250 suits ad executes shaking hands with hipsters Start something that all your friends will follow An […]
Dogs Fed Dennis Rodman In Critical Condition After Poisoning
Pyongyang, North Korea — Fifty-four North Korean dogs were hospitalized in critical condition today after becoming violently ill. The hounds were found with unknown toxins in their blood that doctors say are a direct result from eating Dennis Rodman. At a press conference this afternoon, White House spokesman Paul Horner told reporters he does not […]
12-Year-Old Divorces Parents Over Wrong Christmas Present
Phoenix, AZ — A 12-year-old girl successfully divorced her parents on Monday after receiving a Christmas present that was not on her wish list. Steve Middleton from Middleton and Associates who represented the girl, told reporters outside the Phoenix Municipal Court that he was pleased with the judges decision. “This was a clear case of […]
Samsung Pays Apple $290 Million Fine With Quarters – 90 Semi Trucks Full Of Them
Cupertino, CA — This morning Apple’s headquarters in California received quite the surprise when 90 semi-trucks filled with quarters arrived at their front entrance. Initially the security company that protects the facility told the drivers they were at the wrong place. Minutes later, Apple CEO, Tim Cook, received a call from Samsung CEO, Kwon Oh […]
‘Duck Dynasty’ Phil Robertson’s Gay Lover Speaks Out For The First Time
OUT, a popular gay and lesbian magazine, announced it will be publishing an exclusive interview with Phil Robertson‘s alleged gay lover of 12-years. The magazine released a preview of the upcoming article to various media sources today. “Phil’s always trying to hide me from the media. I like to blow on Duck whistles too,” 35-year-old […]
California’s Mega Millions Winner Comes Forward
San Jose, CA — This morning lottery officials were pleased to announce that the second winner in Tuesday night’s Mega Millions has come forward. That lucky person is 35-year-old Paul Horner from San Jose, California. He is the winner of the $636 million jackpot, the second largest in history. Mr. Horner won by correctly matching […]
Arizona’s Sheriff Joe Withholding Food From Inmates For The Holidays
Phoenix, AZ — The controversial sheriff in Arizona, Joe Arpaio, is once again making national headlines. This time the sheriff is refusing to feed inmates for the holiday season beginning the morning of December 25th and ending midnight on December 31st. The sheriff is also putting a halt to all commissary sales during these days. Prisoners […]
9-Year-Old Suspended For Saying ‘Merry Christmas’ To Teacher
San Francisco, CA — The ‘war on Christmas’ continues as a simple well-wishing of ‘Merry Christmas’ has led to big trouble for one fourth-grade San Francisco boy this week. Timothy Dawson, a 9-year-old student at Anon Elementary School in San Francisco, CA., was in the school cafeteria Monday eating with friends when he was taken […]
California Allows First-Ever State Recognized Human-Animal Marriage
San Francisco, CA — On Monday history was made at the Chapel of Our Lady at the Presidio in San Francisco as the first-ever state recognized human-animal marriage took place. Local resident 35-year-old Paul Horner was the groom during the ceremony. Joining him was his faithful dog Mac who is 36-years-old in dog years. Mac […]
‘Knockout’ Thug Loses Game Permanently to Granny’s Big Gun
St. Louis, MO — 93-year-old Gladis Bennett was on her way to visit her grandchildren as she usual does every Saturday morning. The air was crisp and cool without a cloud in the sky. It was a special morning too. It was her granddaughter’s 14th birthday. Bennett who has a pension from the military was […]
Man Finds 6 Million Dollars Worth Of Bitcoins At Garage Sale
Phoenix, AZ — An Arizona man got the surprise of his life when a ten dollar investment at a neighborhood garage sale this weekend turned him into a millionaire overnight. 35-year-old Paul Horner was out walking his dog Mac when he came upon a neighborhood yard sale and decided to stop. “I found an old […]
Christian Waitress Stiffed By “Proud Gay Muslim”
Apple Valley, MN — A Minnesota waitress got an unwelcome surprise this week when instead of getting a tip she received a disturbing note mocking her faith. It all happened at the Perkins Restaurant in Apple Valley where 37-year-old Shelly Anderson has worked as a waitress for over three years. “I served this gentlemen and […]
India Ends Diplomatic Relations With The U.S. Over Satirical Article
Assam, INDIA — People in India are outraged by a satirical article that appeared on an American website reporting a rape festival taking place in India’s northeastern state of Assam. “We rape the evil demons out of the girls, otherwise they will cheat on us and we will be forced to kill them. So it […]
Porn Found On ObamaCare Website
Washington, DC — More bad news for ObamaCare as users of its website Healthcare.gov report finding pornographic material on a number of their signup pages. CGI Federal, the IT contractor responsible for the site said the obscene content was uploaded by a disgruntled employee. Ken Renynolds who is a spokesman for CGI Federal told CNN […]
Analysts Forecast Drop In Holiday Spending As More Families Rely On Presents From Santa Claus
Times are tight for most families. It seems everyone is struggling in one way or another just to get by. So here is a helpful tool to save a little hard-earned scratch this upcoming Christmas; Santa Claus! More and more parents are relying on the fat man in red than ever before. So go on, […]
Obama Dines With Kansas Waiter Who Received Anti-Gay Message And No Tip
Overland Park, Kansas — President Obama made a surprise visit to a Kansas restaurant where he spoke with a waiter who made national headlines last week for receiving an anti-gay message and no gratuity from a couple that he had waited on. It all began last week when a man and a woman dined at […]
CDC Report Reveals Existence of ‘Zombies’
Washington, DC — In 2012, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention jumped on the recent explosion of zombies in popular culture by launching a page dedicated to ‘zombie preparedness’, admitting that their tongue-in-cheek campaign, designed to engage new audiences in preparation for natural disasters, had become an effective platform for promoting hurricane, pandemic, earthquake, […]
10 Reasons Why ObamaCare Will Destroy The Country
The information being provided by the Obama administration about ObamaCare is not just confusing but is dead wrong. As a true American we must come together and stand up for our civil liberties. It is our job as Americans to inform others about the facts behind this corrupt health care system. When it comes to the […]
Argentinian Man Masturbates 83 Times In 24 Hour Period – New World Record
La Falda, Argentina — Residents of a small town in Argentina are celebrating today as one of their own citizens has become the new record holder in the field of masturbation. From 8pm Thursday evening until 8pm Friday night, 22-year-old Hugo Lopez from the city of La Falda masturbated a total of 83 times. This […]
Obama Uses Own Money To Open Muslim Museum Amid Government Shutdown
Washington, DC — While up to 800,000 federal workers faced life without a paycheck as Day One of the government shutdown kicked in, President Barack Obama held a press conference to announce that he is using his own money to open the federally funded International Museum of Muslim Cultures. “During this shutdown, people will have […]
Obama Declares November National Muslim Appreciation Month
Washington, DC — President Barack Obama held a press conference to announce that he is declaring the month of November ‘National Muslim Appreciation Month’. “The Muslim community deserves our full acceptance and respect,” Obama told reporters. “We have killed millions of Muslims overseas since the September 11th attacks. They are not all bad. In fact most […]
Utah City Makes Porn Illegal – 30 Days In Jail For First Offense
St. George, UT — One city in Utah has decided it has had enough porn in their town and is taking the drastic measure of banning all pornography along with making it a criminal offense. In a unanimous decision by the city council of St. George, Utah, a law was passed making the possession of […]
City In Louisiana Makes ‘Twerking’ Illegal – 30 Days In Jail For First Offense
DeQuincy, LA — The dance craze twerking has become such a problem in the small town of DeQuincy, Louisiana that city officials have made it illegal. Maynard Wilkens who is the Mayor of DeQuincy spoke to CNN about the ban on twerking that takes effect at midnight. “Twerking is a defiant act against Jesus and […]
Biggest Penis In The World
The record for the biggest penis size in the entire world belongs to 34-year-old Paul Horner from Phoenix, Arizona. He has by far the biggest penis in the world. The parents of Paul Horner are said to be very proud of their son and his huge penis. The women all over the world fall in […]
Gay-To-Straight Program To Be Implemented In All Virginia Public School Curriculums Beginning September 1st
Richmond, VA — Beginning September 1st of this year, the state of Virginia is implementing a mandatory school program designed for all children grades K-12 to help homosexual males and females choose to become straight. The gay-to-straight conversion therapy treatment will be used in all of Virginia’s 2,186 public school curriculums and is already gathering […]
Joe Arpaio Implements New Inmate Pharmacy Work Program Filling Prescription Drugs For AZ Residents
Phoenix, AZ — Sheriff Joe Arpaio held a press conference today to announce a new controversial inmate work program that will take effect September 1st. The program allows inmates to fill prescription drugs for Arizona residents and in return will receive lesser prison sentences. Arpaio told CNN about the benefits of the new program. “This […]
Governor Jan Brewer Threatens Lawsuit Against Hoax Author Who Claimed She Supports Mandatory Gay Conversion Classes For Children
Phoenix, AZ — Governor Jan Brewer’s spokesman Andrew Wilder held a press conference this morning with reporters announcing news of a possible lawsuit against Phoenix, Arizona resident 34-year-old Paul Horner. Horner was the culprit behind yesterday’s hoax which had the internet up in arms. The satirical article stated that Brewer signed off on a bill […]
Gay-To-Straight Program To Be Used In All Arizona Public School Curriculums Beginning November 1st
Phoenix, AZ — Beginning November 1st of this year, the state of Arizona is implementing a mandatory school program designed for all children grades K-12 to help homosexual males and women become straight. The controversial conversion therapy will be used in all of Arizona’s 2,325 public school curriculums and is already gathering a large amount of […]
Al Sharpton Outraged About New Online “Slavery” Website
Washington, DC — It seems you can find just about every type of website and service out there these days; this is probably one you have never heard of or seen before. It is called ‘Black Friend Connect’. Their business model revolves around the idea of a white person “renting” a black friend and while […]
I Received This Message Today
I received this message today from Paul Horner of Phoenix, Arizona: Dear Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, I recently made friends with a couple who lives next door to me. They are about my age, have a 6-year-old daughter and a 4-year-old Labrador Retriever. A few weeks ago they said their babysitter had canceled on them […]
Why George Zimmerman Is Guilty And Should Be In Prison
George Zimmerman disobeyed police orders. The 911 dispatcher told him not to follow Martin. Instead he’s like, “No, I got this.” … “I’m going to get out of my car in a dark alley and confront some random 6’3″ tall, 160 lb thug-looking black guy in a hoodie”… For Zimmerman to be found not guilty on all […]
Edward Snowden Safely Lands In Venezuela Where He Was Granted Asylum To Avoid U.S. Extradition
EDIT: 8/1/13 – It turns out I received bad intel on this story. I guess he was actually just granted asylum in Russia for one year. That’s where he is and will be for the while. My bad. Washington, DC — The Al Jazeera news agency is reporting that NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has safely landed […]
Groundhog Day 20th Anniversary Reunion Tour Kicks Off July 13th
Culver City, CA — The day that would never end for Bill Murray is turning 20-years-old and the cult classic Groundhog Day is celebrating it properly with a 29-city movie reunion tour that kicks off in Phoenix, Arizona on July 13th. Included in the tour will be cast members Bill Murray, Chris Elliott, Andie MacDowell […]
I Don’t Know About You, But Times Are Changing, And I Don’t Like It One Bit, Not One Darn Bit I Tell Ya!
So the queers now have the same rights as us straight people when it comes to marriage? What’s next, women will be allowed to vote? The Negros will have the same rights as us good, decent, hardworking white folks? I don’t know about you, but times are changing, and this reporter doesn’t like it one […]
Guinness World Record For Longest Twitter Hashtag Has Been Announced
#HELLOIAMA34YEAROLDNAMEDPAULHORNERANDFUCKEDAHOTBLACKGIRLLASTNIGHTFORTHEFIRSTTIMEINMYLIFE ANDITWASSOBIGBOOTYAWESOMEIJUSTHADTOBRAGABOUTITANDALSOPROMOTEBIGBOOTYHOESTOTHEWHITEGUYS OUTTHERETHATAREAFRAIDBECAUSESERIOUSLYYOUHAVENOTHINGTOFEAREXCEPTHESTRONGPOSSIBILITYYOF GETTINGROBBEDATGUNPOINTANDCATCHNGAIDSBUTREGARDLESSITISSTILLWORTHITJUSSAYINBOOMERNICHOLS Guinness World Record For Longest Twitter Hashtag
Hating Anything In Life Is Only Hating Yourself
Hate, intolerance and racism in this world could all be a thing of the past but it first starts with you. This is your life and you can choose to live it however you want. There is no one stopping you from living a life full of love and acceptance except yourself. I was hanging […]
Indian Woman Stoned To Death For Sending Husband Too Many Facebook Game Requests
Punjab, INDIA — 32-year-old Indira Mahajan was stoned to death today after being found guilty by the Haryana High court of Punjab, India. Her husband, 51-year-old Bijan Kumar Mahajan said he is thrilled with the ruling and says the court’s decision brings much happiness to his friends and family. Justice Paramjeet Singh Dhaliwal heard Mr. Mahajan’s thirty […]
Facebook Whistleblower Says Fake Accounts Makeup Half Of All Current Users
London, England — An insider working at the offices of Facebook in London, England told the BBC News today that almost half the accounts on Facebook are fake. He said these shill accounts are known to exist and Facebook is fully aware of them yet does nothing to delete them. Paul Horner (not his real […]
Verizon Wireless Offering New ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’
New York, NY — Verizon held a press conference today to announce their new ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’. This announcement comes just days after news leaked that communication companies have been sharing Americans’ phone records with the National Security Agency (NSA). Verizona CEO President Paul Horner explained to reporters about the new plan. “At Verizon we […]
Bill Murray Is Hero After Saving Child’s Life From Oncoming Traffic
London, England — What is Bill Murray not capable of doing? That is the question being asked by London residents today as Murray saved the life of a little girl from being hit by a truck. 34-year-old Paul Horner who is in London on business witnessed the near fatal accident. “Yeah, it was horrifying. I […]
Documentary By Michael Moore Called “Fappy” Scheduled For Release In December
Hollywood, CA — Controversial filmmaker Michael Moore held a press conference to announce his new upcoming documentary that is being released in December simply titled “Fappy”. Moore talked with reporters and explained briefly what the documentary is about. “The story follows a religious anti-masturbation organization who travels around the country preaching to school children about […]
Candy Crush Saga Killer Strikes Again
Phoenix, AZ — What was supposed to be a fun game on Facebook has instilled terror and fear among the citizens of Phoenix, Arizona as the infamous ‘Candy Crush Saga Killer’ has struck once again. The latest victim is 34-year-old Shilda Vafaei who was known to play Candy Crush Saga for days on end and […]
Nearly 100 Students Arrested In 2 Year Undercover Drug Sting
Tolleson, AZ — A two year undercover drug sting came to a close today as almost 100 students at Tolleson Union High School in Arizona were arrested. The students apprehended were in a sting called Operation Disco Party. Over the course of two years, undercover deputies posed as high school students to catch those possessing and […]
City in Louisiana Offering K-12 Education In Only 6 Months
DeQuincy, LA — A small town in Louisiana is taking a new approach to education that has created quite the controversy and already has other cities considering doing the same. In the past year the town of DeQuincy, Louisiana has torn down it’s elementary school, it’s middle school and turned their entire high school into what […]
Monsanto Funds Anti-Masturbation Organization
Creve Coeur, MO — The Monsanto Company held a press conference today to announce their funding of an anti-masturbation organization who recently lost federally funding and was shut down by the FBI. This controversial move comes just days after the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) was taken over by Monsanto. Dave Myers who is administrator […]
Harry Potter Scandal: J.K. Rowling Is A Fraud
Hollywood, CA — It has come to our attention that the onslaught of attacks on J.K. Rowling is undeserved and unwarranted. In an attempt to preserve Hogwart’s tradition, J.K. Rowling (a muggle) was given a detailed synopsis of a grand story on her window sill. No one was really sure where the story came from, […]
Don’t Be Afraid Of Love!
Hello fans of Super Official News, I just put up this site called www.dontbeafraidoflove.com and I think you’ll love it! It consist of 5 second videos of people shouting the word “LOVE!” or something of that nature at someone and then you see the person’s face and it’s really funny. What to do: 1. Take […]
Happy Mother’s Day To Flappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin!
Happy Mother’s Day To Flappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin! Fappy® made a song about not masturbating or if you do you’ll go to Hell. I hope you enjoy it! More info @ facebook.com/fappythedolphin
Surprise Winner At This Years Punjab Rape Festival
Punjab, INDIA — Exciting news is coming out of Punjab, India this morning as this year’s Punjab Rape Festival results have been announced and prizes are being awarded. It was close, but in the end it was Nikhil Thakur who took home the ‘The Baalkrishan’ for most rapes this year. This was the first time […]
Inspired By Jason Collins, Entire WNBA Comes Out Of The Closet
The Women’s National Basketball Association (WNBA) held a press conference today to announce that the entire WNBA has come out of the closet. This comes on the heals of the courage shown by Jason Collins, who on Monday became the first openly gay male athlete in a major American team sport. WNBA president Laurel J. Richie […]
Human Sex Trafficking Operation Uncovered At Madison Street Jail In Phoenix Arizona
Phoenix, AZ — Three floors below the Madison Street Jail in Phoenix, Arizona authorities have found what appears to be a human sex trafficking operation. They were tipped off by an Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agent who wished to remain anonymous. The ICE agent answered questions and explained to reporters how the operation worked. […]
Small Town In Louisiana Bans Koreans
DeQuincy, LA — With all the current tensions overseas right now a small town in Louisiana has taken matters into their own hands. They have begun removing all Koreans currently living in the town and have prevented any new Koreans from entering. Maynard Wilkens who is the Mayor of DeQuincy spoke to reporters today and explained […]
Boston Marathon Bombers Were Pressure Cooker Salesmen Gone Bad
Watertown, MA — Authorities are now learning the names and motives behind the suspects responsible for the deadly Boston Marathon bombings that rocked the nation on Monday. All of this comes just hours after one of two suspects was killed early Friday in a violent standoff with the police in a quiet residential neighborhood just […]
Deep Thoughts by Paul Horner
I opened up a fortune cookie recently that said to treat others how you would want to be treated. So now I walk around giving hand jobs to everyone I meet. Hostage negotiators really get on my nerves. They’re always asking me what I want, trying to calm me down, asking annoying questions about my […]
U.S. Stealth Bombers Dropping Leaflets Over North Korea Warning Of Attack
SEOUL, South Korea — South Korean officials are telling the Korean Broadcasting System (KBS) that B-2 stealth bombers are currently dropping leaflets over the city of Pyongyang warning its citizens of an impending attack. At the time of this posting, the U.S. government or its military has not made a statement regarding this late breaking […]
Justin Bieber Devastated As His Monkey Remains in Quarantine
Hollywood, CA — With his bad press about arriving late at a London concert and being booed, fighting with paparazzi, and spitting on a neighbor, pop mogul Justin Bieber is having a rough time. To top it all off, German Customs Agents are still holding Bieber’s Capuchin monkey Mally under state arrest. Sources closest to […]
What, a, prankster…
For April Fool’s Day I am not posting an April Fool’s prank, since that happens on a regular basis at Super Official News. Instead, I am honoring the following individual as the greatest prankster in the history of the world. The following pictures explain why.
Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin & SMN Banned In California
This morning California lawmakers voted in favor of permanently banning the organization known as STOP Masturbating NOW (SMN). This means that the organization, their current employees and even their mascot who goes by the name of Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin can no longer ‘legally’ enter the state or promote their message there again. Nancy Pelosi […]
Hilarious Ideas For Pranking People On April Fool’s Day
It is getting close to April Fool’s Day, the best day of the year. Here is some fun ideas to make your ‘prank day’ the best day it can possibly be! 1. If you are a guy, put a banana in your pants and see if anyone notices. If you are a girl, put balloons […]
Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin Arrested For Public Masturbation
Portland, OR — In an ironic twist of a fate, a mascot for a federally funded 31-city nationwide school tour focusing on educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of masturbation was arrested yesterday in Portland, Oregon for masturbating in public. Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now spoke […]
Director Of Kony 2012 Announces Plans For Anti-Masturbation Documentary
San Diego, CA — Jason Russell who was the director of the Kony 2012 Youtube video that went viral one year ago today made waves again as he announced to reporters his future plans for a documentary about living a masturbation-free lifestyle. What makes this announcement so shocking is that also one year ago today […]
Vegas Betting On How Many Altar Boys New Pope Has Molested
VATICAN CITY — It seems in this day and age, Las Vegas will take bets on just about anything; including how many altar boys the new Pope has molested in the past. Just hours after the white smoke cleared from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel and the new Pope Jorge Mario Bergoglio (pronounced Ber-GOAL-io) was […]
9Gag Suing Reddit For 50 Million Dollars
Silicon Valley, CA — The humor website 9Gag.com is suing Reddit.com for libel and damages in the amount of $50,000,000. That’s a five with seven zeros attached to it. Joyce Barth, Esq., 9Gag’s head attorney says the lawsuit is definitely winnable. “The Reddit community has been attempting to destroy 9Gag since it first launched about […]
Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin Kicks Off Nationwide School Tour
New York, NY — Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and STOP Masturbation NOW are proud to announce a 31-city nationwide school tour focusing on educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of masturbation. Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now said he is excited about the tour. “Thanks to your […]
Michelle Obama To Play Wife Of Lando Calrissian In Star Wars: Episode VII
Hollywood, CA — Disney held a press conference today to announce exciting Star Wars news confirming that none other than Michelle Obama will play a role in Episode VII of the upcoming Star Wars sequel trilogy. Disney says the First Lady will be playing the wife of Cloud City administrator and general in the Rebel Alliance, […]
Disney Announces Details Of Star Wars: Episode VII
Hollywood, CA — Disney held a press conference today to give some insight into what fans can expect from Episode VII of the upcoming Star Wars sequel trilogy. Paul Horner who is a spokesman for Disney talked briefly with reporters this morning to explain what lies in store for fans. “I can’t go into much […]
Woman Kills Five People For Not Accepting Her Friend Requests On Facebook
DeQuincy, LA — Lashawndra Harris from DeQuincy, Louisiana was arrested and charged today in connection with five murders. Harris had been dubbed by police as the ‘Facebook Friend Request Killer’ because at the scene of every murder a card was left on the victim’s body that showed the Facebook logo along with the section of […]
Christopher Walken Confesses To Being The Culprit Behind The Banksy Arrest Hoax
Hollywood, CA — Actor Christopher Walken held a press conference for reporters today at his home in Wilton, Connecticut to reveal that he was in fact the one behind the Banksy arrest hoax that fooled the internet on Friday. The hoax was in the form of a press release reportedly stating that graffiti artist Banksy […]
Banksy Arrested In London, Identity Revealed
London, England — The England-based graffiti artist, political activist, film director, and painter that for years has gone by the pseudonymous name of Banksy, was arrested early this morning by police in London. After hours of questioning and a raid of his London art studio, his true name and identity have finally been revealed. The City […]
Vatican Announces New Pope Three Weeks Early
VATICAN CITY (AP) — In a shocking move that has stunned the world, the College of Cardinals have announced their newly elected pontiff more than three weeks earlier than expected and that decision is already being highly debated. The Vatican raised the possibility Saturday that the conclave to elect the next pope might start sooner […]
5 Helpful Tips To Improve Your Dining Experience
A year ago I received a $25,000 grant from the government to do a study on dining etiquette. I traveled around the world visiting various restaurants & eateries, talking with waiters and waitresses, learning the secrets to getting the best service possible. So after one year of extensive research and study, I have put together […]
Obama Announces New Guns Or Drones Program
Washington, DC — President Obama held a press conference today to announce his new Guns or Drones program. The program was implemented so that gun owners who possess any of the guns under Feinstein’s Legislation are closely monitored 24/7 by military drones. This comes as shocking news since most of the nation is still in […]
Christopher Dorner UPDATE: Los Angeles Evacuating Everyone That Is Not A 275lb Black Man
Los Angeles, CA — To prevent police shooting more innocent people during their manhunt of Christopher Dorner, the city of Los Angeles is taking radical steps to ensure the safety of its citizens. Beginning at noon tomorrow, every man, woman and child who is not a 275lb black man is required by law to evacuate […]
Disney Announces Plans For 26,000 Star Wars Movies In The Next 5 Years
Hollywood, CA — Fanboys around the world are celebrating as Disney has just announced plans for an additional 26,000 Star Wars movies to be released in the next 5 years. This news comes just months after Disney acquired George Lucas‘ Lucasfilm Ltd. which includes the rights to the entire Star Wars franchise. Paul Horner who is […]
BREAKING NEWS: It’s Snowing In The Northeast, Again
Boston, MA — A massive snow storm and blizzard is hitting the Northeast, again. The winter storm is stranding motorists on highways and piling up drifts so high that some homeowners are having problems getting their doors open. This may remind you of the great snow storm from 2012 where the exact same situation happened, […]
Is There A Heaven Or A Hell?
NOTE: This is not a press release or news of any kind. It’s just some ideas I had the other day that I thought I would share with all my Super Official Friends here. If there IS a Heaven and there IS a Hell where supposedly “good” people go to heaven and “bad” people go […]
Drone On
Washington, DC – John Brennan, the president’s nominee to be the new director of the Central Intelligence Agency, faced questions today from the Senate Intelligence Committee. 32 year old Super Official News political correspondent Aaron Johnson summed up the questioning for us, stating, “Like most nominees, Brennan was repeatedly asked questions that would prompt answers […]
Whole Foods and McDonald’s Announce Partnership
Austin, TX – Whole Foods Market is leading the way into shifting the future of the health food and supplement industry again, this time announcing that they will partner with fast food chain, McDonald’s. McDonald’s revenues grew 27 percent over the three years ending in 2007 to $22.8 billion, and 9 percent growth in operating […]
India Removing Women’s Eyes Who Are Caught Reading Books
Punjab, INDIA — Located on the edge of India in the northwest corner of the region, the state of Punjab is taking drastic measures to prevent women from reading books, they are permanently removing their eyes. 23-year-old Harikrishna Majumdar who heads up the newly created Punjab Anti-Reading Task Force (PARTF) explained to reporters the importance of […]
SMG Says Super Bowl Blackout Was Prank Played By Employee
New Orleans, LA — The mysterious blackout during Sunday’s Super Bowl at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans is not a mystery any longer. SMG, the Superdome’s management company, told reporters this evening that after careful review of their tapes, the culprit has been found. Paul Covington of SMG explained the situation and how they were able to […]
Bill Murray Performs Heimlich Maneuver, Saves Choking Man At Lunch
Phoenix, AZ — In a scene straight from the movie Groundhog Day, Bill Murray saved the life of a man who was choking while dining at a local restaurant in Phoenix, Arizona today. Murray was having lunch with friends when a man three tables from him began to choke on his food. “I saw the […]
Bill Murray Catches Bank Robber In Tokyo, Accidentally
Tokyo, Japan — A bank robber was apprehended today in Tokyo after stopping to talk with none other than Bill Murray. “The man robbed the Bank of Tokyo-Mitsubishi, ran out, saw Bill Murray walking on the street and stopped to talk to him. That’s when authorities were able to apprehend him,” Tokyo Police Chief Hideyoshi […]
Obama Says He Will Free The Sh*t Out Of Australia After Trillions Of Dollars Of Oil Has Been Discovered In The Region
Washington, D.C. — Today a $20 trillion oil basin was discovered in Australia, set to turn the country from importer to mass exporter. In what American politicians are calling just a coincidence, Obama held a press conference today saying that priority number one for America right now is providing Australia with a “sh*t ton more […]
Lindsay Lohan’s British Identical Twin Living A Wonderful Life In London
London, England — Lindsay Lohan’s identical twin Lydia Lohan Cahill is alive and well according to a news report from the BBC. As you may or may not remember, Lindsay starred with her sister Lydia in the 1998 movie ‘The Parent Trap’. “My sister is quite the wanker and embarrassment to the family,” said Lydia. “I […]
New Study Shows The Bigger The Gun, The Bigger The Person, The Smaller The Penis
Manchester, NH — A new study released today by the American Research Group shows that the larger an individual is along with also having a bigger gun directly relates to the size of that person’s penis size. Paul Horner who headed up the 5-year study for the group explained to reporters how they came to […]
Man Sues Friend Over Stealing His Facebook Cover Photo For $1.2 Million
Phoenix, AZ — An Arizona man is suing a friend of his for $1.2 million for allegedly using his Facebook cover photo without his permission. The photo in question is from the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, a 1968 science fiction film produced and directed by Stanley Kubrick. 34-year-old Kyle Brock who is suing Arizona […]
Manti Teʻo Inspires Thousands Of Gay Mormons To Come Forward & Admit That They Too Do Not Have A Real Girlfriend
South Bend, IN — Inspired by College football star Manti Teʻo and his imaginary girlfriend named Lennay Kekua, thousands of other gay Mormons have come out of the closet saying that they do not have a real girlfriend either. “In the Mormon religion, if you want to stay in good standings with the church, you can’t […]
Small Town In Louisiana Arming Its Students & Staff With Hand Guns
DeQuincy, LA — A small town in Louisiana is taking matters into their own hands when it comes to the controversial topic of gun control. They are arming all of their students, K-12, and staff members with hand guns. The three different schools in the town will also have armed guards with semi-automatic rifles stationed […]
2,452 Party Fouls Earns Man Spot In The Guinness Book of World Records
Scottsdale, AZ — In one evening last November a Scottsdale man committed so many party fouls that it earned him a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records. The party where this feat occurred was at the Lancaster mansion party in Scottsdale, Arizona. It is a party which is thrown yearly for the elite of […]
New FDA Approved Drug Allows You To Taste, Smell And Hear Colors
Santa Barbara, CA — Ttokkyo Laboratories is proud to announce FDA approval of their new wonder drug DeemtyTM. DeemtyTM was created for individuals that feel boredom or lack of excitement in their lives. The drug allows users to taste, smell and hear colors keeping life always fresh and interesting. Paul Horner, CEO and Managing Director of […]
New Craze In Louisiana Called ‘Whipping’ Has Arrests At An All-Time High
DeQuincy, LA — A new craze is sweeping parts of Louisiana as teenagers are participating in a unique fad known as ‘whipping’. ‘Whipping’ involves a male rubbing their penis on various objects and then taking a picture of his actions to show friends or posting the photo(s) online for others to see. 23-year-old Brandon Adams […]
Justin Bieber Will Be On Omegle January 14th Chatting With Fans
Hollywood, CA — Justin Bieber’s camp held a press conference today to announce that Bieber will be chatting with his fans on Omegle, a free online chat website, January 14th from 1pm until 11pm PST. Bieber’s manager Paul Horner told reporters that this is a great way for Bieber to communicate with his fans and […]
Justin Bieber And Lil Twist Announce Benefit Concert For NORML – Working to Legalize Marijuana
Brooklyn, NY — Exciting news for Justin Bieber fans and pot smokers around the world, as the Bieber camp told reporters at a press conference this morning that Bieber and rapper Lil Twist are teaming up for a one-night-only benefit concert for NORML, which works to legalize marijuana. “We’re addressing these issues about Justin smoking […]
The Punjab Rape Festival In India Begins This Week
Punjab, INDIA — Men in India are already beginning to celebrate as the annual Punjab Rape Festival is just days away. Every non-married girl age 7-16 will have the chance to flee to safety or get raped. Madhuban Ahluwalia who heads up the annual festival told reporters why the event is so important. “This is […]
Was James Holmes The Only Shooter In The Aurora Colorado Shooting? You Be The Judge
Every day I read more and more conspiracy theories surrounding the Colorado shooter James Holmes. They are not even becoming conspiracies anymore, it is becoming almost like fact and the trial has just started. According to cable news: HE IS THE LONE SHOOTER, SICKO, WEIRDO, WHO KILLED THESE PEOPLE IN COLD BLOOD. And that is […]
Westboro Baptist Church Ending Their Campaign Of Hate
Topeka, KS — The Westboro Baptist Church held a press conference this morning to announce that it has decided to end thier campaign of hate which has lasted more than 22 years. Fred Phelps, who heads up the organization, told reporters how they had come to this decision. “Yesterday I learned of the sad news […]
Man’s New Year’s Resolution Is To Get Clean After Becoming A Drug Addict Last Week
Concord, NH — A Concord man is celebrating New Year’s Eve a little different this year, he finally has a New Year’s resolution. “I’ve never had a cool New Year’s resolution. It’s always been something lame like, lose a couple pounds or finally finish a crossword puzzle,” says 34-year-old Paul Horner. “I’ve never smoked cigarettes, I’m […]
Facebook News: Randi Zuckerberg Suing Brother Mark Zuckerberg For Lack Of Privacy Over Pictures Posted
Silicon Valley, CA — After pictures of Mark Zuckerberg’s sister surfaced on the internet today, Randi Zuckerberg says she is suing her brother for lack of privacy on Facebook. “I thought when I posted my pictures and personal information on Facebook no one could see that,” says Zuckerberg. “Well, I guess I was wrong. I […]
Teacher Fired After Telling 1st Graders That Santa, Easter Bunny And Tooth Fairy Do Not Exist
DeQuincy, Louisiana — Parents have brought a class action lawsuit against the DeQuincy Elementary School in Louisiana over comments made by a first grade teacher back on December 12th. According to first graders, 45-year-old Paul Horner told his class that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy do not exist. Principal Courtney Groves explained to […]
Is Sarah Jessica Parker A Horse Trotting Around In A Human Body? You Be The Judge!
Hollywood CA — There’s been a lot of debate lately surrounding actress Sarah Jessica Parker. The million dollar question that has been on everyone’s mind is questioning her status as a human being. Super Official News has decided to get to the bottom of this debacle and find out once and for all if she […]
Local Man Stops Robbery By Quoting Pulp Fiction
Jonestown, AZ — A local man is a hero today after he single-handedly stopped a couple who were attempting to rob a coffee shop. His quick thinking saved the day according to restaurant manager Ted Barkins. “He just started quoting movie lines from Pulp Fiction. The robbers kind of went berserk and then they just […]
Facebook To Start Charging Users $3.99/mo Beginning August 14th, 2013
UPDATE – This monthly fee in August of last year was never implemented. News that Facebook is charging a monthly fee of $2.99/mo beginning on November 1st, 2014 has been confirmed. Click Here To Read Silicon Valley, CA — Facebook held a press conference today to announce that starting August 14th they will begin charging members […]
The 10 Funniest Autocorrects Of 2012
Zug, Switzerland — Every year fans of funny images on the internet around the world wait in high anticipation for the three elders in Switzerland to announce the top 10 funniest autocorrects of the year and just like every year for the past twenty years they did not disappoint. At noon today the elders hung […]
McDonald’s Announces New Flying McLiger Sandwich For A Limited Time Only!
Houston, TX — Exciting news for fat people around the world as McDonald’s has finally released the all new and highly anticipated Flying McLiger sandwich. “The Flying McLiger sandwich is exclusively at McDonald’s for a limited time,” said McDonald’s Vice President Eric Burns. “If you don’t give a sh*t about your your health, weight, or endangered species, […]
Facebook Announces New Breathalyzer Chat & Posting Feature
Palo Alto, CA — Facebook today announced the launch of their new breathalyzer chat and status update posting feature. Users will now be required to blow into the Facebookalyzer™ before posting a status update or chatting with friends. The idea is to help other users get a better perspective on what they’re reading or who […]
Contact Information For The Westboro Baptist Church Who Are Planning To Picket The Funerals Of The Children Killed At Sandy Hook Elementary School
Newtown, CT — The Westboro Baptist Church is planning to picket the funerals of the twenty children killed in the shooting at the Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. The group Anonymous responded by posting the personal and professional information for each member of this evil hate group online. Feel free to contact the […]
The New Mayan Calendar Goes On Sale December 21st!
Guatemala City — The Maya people are excited to finally release their new calendar for the next 5,125 years on December 21st, 2012. It’s a follow up to the popular Mayan calendar that’s been around for the last 5,125 years. This new edition will be released in both a stone and paperback version. It will […]
Bizzle Murray, Seth Rogen, Jack Black, and Rainn Wilson Sign On Fo’ Pimpbustas 3
Hollywood, CA — Pimpbusta’s hos around tha world is celebrating as it has just been confirmed by Hollywood.com dat Bizzle Murray has signed on to do Pimpbustas 3. Fo’ years it has been unclear whether Murray would be joining tha rest of tha cast, which includes Harold Ramis as Dr. Egon Spengler n’ Dan Aykroyd […]
Applebee’s In Laveen Arizona Announces New & Exciting Changes!
Laveen, AZ — Local residents in a small town 30 minutes south west of downtown Phoenix are ecstatic about the new changes that have been taking place at their local Applebee’s in Laveen, Arizona. Super Official News stopped by the restaurant this weekend to investigate further what’s making this hot spot so popular. Restaurant manager […]
No “Munchies” Remain After Washington State Legalizes Marijuana
Seattle, WA— Marijuana advocates and users in Washington state are celebrating today as possession and use of marijuana has become %100 legal under state law. Though sudden problems have arisen from these new laws that state and local officials were not ready for. It turns out that when a marijuana addict uses their drug, they […]
Arizona’s $588 Million Powerball Winner Comes Forward
Phoenix, AZ— This morning lottery officials were pleased to announce that one of the two winners in last night’s Powerball drawing has come forward. That lucky person is Paul Horner from Fountain Hills, Arizona. He is one of the two winners in Wednesday’s record $588 million Powerball jackpot. Mr. Horner won by correctly matching all […]
Bill Murray Signs On For Ghostbusters 3
Hollywood, CA — Ghostbuster’s fans around the world are celebrating as it has just been confirmed by Hollywood.com that Bill Murray has signed on to do Ghostbusters 3. For years it has been unclear whether Murray would be joining the rest of the cast, which includes Harold Ramis as Dr. Egon Spengler and Dan Aykroyd […]
Obama Declares December National Gay Guy Appreciation Month
Washington, DC — President Obama held a press conference today to announce that he is declaring the month of December ‘National Gay Guy Appreciation Month’. “I probably would have never met my beautiful wife of 19 years if there were gay guys in the playing field. They stay away from females and make our job […]
Papa John’s Apologizes: Offers One Free Large Pizza Per Household Till The End Of The Year
Louisville, KY — Papa John’s owner John Schnatter held a press conference today at his mansion in a wealthy country club suburb of Louisville to announce that he was reversing his decision to raise prices on his pizza. He also said he was not going to cut any hours of his employees or lower their […]
Obama Allows Texas To Secede From The Union
Washington, D.C. — Obama held a press conference this morning to announce that he has granted Governor Rick Perry and the state of Texas their request to secede from the Union. This effect will take place December 31st, 2012 at midnight. Texas is the first state to secede from the Union. 20 more states are […]
New Law Allows Pregnant Women To Use Carpool Lane In Louisiana
Dequincy, LA — The Governor of Louisiana Bobby Jindal held a press conference today to announce new carpool laws for pregnant women that take effect beginning December 1st, 2012. Pregnant women, driving alone, now legally count as two people and will have full access to all carpool and HOV lanes. Jindal explained the groundbreaking new law […]
President Obama Presents Paul Horner With Super Universe Ultimate Award For Excellence In Winning The Game
Washington, D.C. — At a press conference this morning President Barack Obama presented Paul Horner the Super Universe Ultimate Award For Excellence In Winning The Game. This prestigious award is presented once every 100 years to the most famous, powerful, successful and good looking person in the world. Obama told reporters how proud he is […]
Mitt Romney Drops Out Of Race: Endorses Obama For President
Washington, D.C. — Mitt Romney held a press conference today to announce he is stepping down as the Republican nominee and is now endorsing Barack Obama for president. This comes as shocking news to everyone, especially the Republican Party, since the election for president is less than two days away. Mitt Romney spoke to reporters […]
Millions Feared Dead By Hurricane Sandy: Pussy Name For A Hurricane To Blame
New York, NY — Officials are now saying the death toll of Hurricane Sandy could be in the millions, this all due to the hurricane being given such a pussy name. “People didn’t think this hurricane was going to be that big of a deal,” Danielle Patch from the Red Cross said. “People were out […]
Fuck Mitt Romney.
Note: This article is currently being reviewed by the Pulitzer Prize Board of Directors. Awards for the Pulitzer and excellence in journalism will be announced by the end of this year. Washington, D.C. — Holy goddamn fucking shit, two-faced, cunt bitch asshole, Mitt Romney. Fucking lame ass, punk bitch cocksucker, fucking up my shit! Motherfucker, […]
14 Billion Dollars Worth Of Drugs Stolen From DEA Warehouse In Daring Heist
The Ass Press Posted: 10/28/2012 6:00:12 PM PDT El Paso, TX — In something straight out of a movie, the Drug Enforcement Administration is telling reporters that a group of 10 armed men stormed a warehouse in El Paso, Texas and made off with more than 14 billion dollars of various illegal drugs, making this […]
eHarmony Acquires Romney’s Binders Full Of Women For Their Premium Members
The Ass Press Posted: 10/20/2012 11:00:42 PM PDT Santa Monica, CA — The online dating website eHarmony is proud to announce that it has purchased Mitt Romney’s binders full of women and is making them exclusively available to all of their premium members. Paul Horner who is the president of eHarmony said he is excited […]
Obama: Halloween Changed To November 2nd This Year
The Ass Press Posted: 10/13/2012 4:00:42 PM PDT Washington, DC — President Obama held a press conference today to announce some new changes his office plans on implementing to make the country run more efficiently. Obama and his team are calling these new changes ‘DAFUQ’, which is an initialism for ‘Defending America’s Family Unifying Quality’. The […]
Lay’s® Announces Top 3 Finalists For The Million Dollar Prize In The LAY’S® Do Us A Flavor™ Contest
El Paso, TX — Lay’s® Potato Chips held a press conference today to announce it’s top three finalists for The LAY’S® Do Us A Flavor™ Contest. The first place winner will receive a million dollars that will be given away February 29th, 2013. Lay’s® president Bill Hanover said it was a tough decision picking the top […]
Mitt Romney’s Economic Plan Unveiled Today In Washington
The Ass Press Posted: 09/29/2012 6:00:14 PM PDT Washington, DC — Mitt Romney held a press conference today to announce his full-proof plan to fix the economy once in office. “We can completely eliminate poverty and most of the lower class just by simply lowering the requirements to be in the middle class,” Romney told […]
Mitt Romney Inspires 47% Of Americans Not To Be Losers Anymore
The Ass Press Posted: 09/18/2012 6:00:11 PM PDT Washington, D.C. — A video surfaced the other day from a private fund-raising event that was held for Mitt Romney in May of this year. The tape shows Romney describing almost half of Americans as “dependent upon government”. He said the 47% of voters who didn’t pay […]
The Prophet Muhammad Returns: Addresses All The Bullsh*t That’s Been Happening
The Ass Press Posted: 09/15/2012 6:00:11 PM PDT Editors note: This article is a paid advertisement by Barack Obama and The United States Government. Super Official News is not responsible for the content on this page. Tel Aviv, Israel — Muslims around the world are rejoicing as the Prophet Muhammad has finally returned after all […]
‘The X Factor’ 43-Story Tall Marble Statue Unveiled In Times Square
The Ass Press Posted: 09/13/2012 8:00:11 PM PDT New York, NY — The 43-story tall marble statue featuring the judges from ‘The X Factor’ was finally unveiled in Times Square today. The statue depicts the likenesses of Demi Lovato, Britney Spears and Simon Cowell. The statue is the brain child of Simon Cowell who is […]
Clint Eastwood Takes Chair On Nationwide Comedy Tour
The Ass Press Posted: 09/10/2012 8:00:11 AM PDT Tampa, FL — Clint Eastwood is taking his empty-chair routine from the Republican National Convention on a nationwide comedy tour. The ‘Clint Eastwood Empty Chair Comedy Tour’ will soon be coming to major cities and comedy clubs all around the country. The tour kicks off in Arizona […]
Todd Akin Accepts Bill Nye’s Challenge For A Science Debate
The Ass Press Posted: 09/01/2012 6:00:12 PM PDT Petersburg, KY — In a move that is shocking the nation, Missouri Representative Todd Akin has agreed to Bill Nye’s challenge for a debate in science. The announcement was made this afternoon at a press conference held at the Creation Museum in Kentucky. “I accept Bill ‘Lies’ the […]
Blazing Saddles The Musical Coming To Broadway
New York, NY — After years of rumors, denial, speculation, and hoping, Mel Brooks and his 1974 cult classic Blazing Saddles, will finally be coming to Broadway. Blazing Saddles: The Musical, will be showing at the St. James Theatre starting in February of 2013. This is the same theater Brooks put on his smash hit […]
South Park Contest: Why I Love South Park
The Ass Press Posted: 08/27/2012 12:00:14 PM PDT Culver City, CA — South Park fans around the world have one more reason to love South Park, literally. The creators of South Park, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, announced today they are launching a contest to show their appreciation to fans for all the love and […]
Accused Rapist Found Not Guilty Using ‘Todd Akin Defense’
The Ass Press Posted: 08/24/2012 3:41:14 PM PDT Dequincy, LA — In a move that is shocking the nation today, the Honorable Judge Paul Horner of Dequincy Louisiana, reversed the guilty verdict of accused rapist Daryl James Thompson based on what the judge is calling the ‘Todd Akin Defense’. Horner said that since it was […]
Ttokkyo Laboratories Launches Adoraberil: Anti-Growing Animal Wonder Drug
The Ass Press Posted: 08/20/2012 12:46:14 PM PDT Santa Barbara, CA — Ttokkyo Laboratories is proud to finally release it’s anti-growing animal wonder drug, AdoraberilTM. Scientists there are calling it the fountain of youth for animals. One shot of AdoraberilTM will keep an animal from growing larger for one full year, but at the same […]
Mars Rover Finds First Signs Of Life On The Red Planet
The Ass Press Posted: 08/09/2012 6:00:04 AM PDT PASADENA, CA — NASA scientists have confirmed that the Mars rover Curiosity has just found the first signs of life on the Red Planet. The air is electrifying as word spread that remains of 4 out of the 7 rovers that have previously landed on Mars have […]
Mars Rover Comes Out Of The Closet
The Ass Press Posted: 08/06/2012 12:00:14 PM PDT Pasadena, CA — NASA scientists have confirmed that the Mars rover Curiosity has come out of the closet after safely landing on the Red Planet this morning. Engineers are saying that it hasn’t been roving around like it’s supposed to, but instead has been skipping from destination to […]
Bill Murray Shows Up In Phoenix: Kicks Off Party Crashing Tour With A Bang
The Ass Press Posted: 08/3/2012 6:00:08 AM PDT Phoenix, AZ — On Wednesday Bill Murray kicked off his 29 city party crashing tour in Phoenix, Arizona. It’s still unclear how many parties in Phoenix Mr. Murray ended up attending but one of them has been confirmed at Lawn Gnome Publishing that was thrown in his […]
NBC Explains Tape Delay And Censorship Of The Olympics
The Ass Press Posted: 07/31/2012 6:00:11 AM PDT London, UK — NBC has been getting heavily criticized recently for their tape delay and censorship of the 2012 Summer Olympic games being held in London, England. Paul Horner who is a television executive at NBC covering the Olympics spoke with reporters in London today to explain […]
Confirmed: Bill Murray’s Agent Will Be Attending Party In Phoenix On August 1st
The Ass Press Posted: 07/27/2012 6:09:14 AM PDT Phoenix, AZ — According to Death and Taxes, Bill Murray will be embarking on a 29 city Party Crashing Tour that begins in Phoenix on August 1st and ends in Austin on September 10th. Recent news has just been announced confirming that Bill Murray’s agent Paul Horner […]
Mitt Romney To Legalize Marijuana And Gay Marriage, Once In Office
The Ass Press Posted: 07/26/2012 6:00:49 AM PDT Washington, DC. — Marijuana users and advocates for gay marriage around the country are celebrating after Mitt Romney once again pledged his hatred for marijuana and gay rights at a press conference this afternoon. In an era of ‘say one thing to get elected and then do […]
Joe Paterno Statue Sold At Private Auction
The Ass Press Posted: 07/23/2012 6:00:16 AM PDT University Park, PA — In a controversial move that is enraging college football fans around the country, the recently removed Joe Paterno statue has been sold early this morning at a private auction. The winning bidder is said to be none other than Kim Jong-un, the supreme […]
69 Dead In Apparent Mass Joke Suicide
Jonestown, AZ — Reports are just coming in of an apparent mass joke suicide in Jonestown, Arizona. The cult’s members, Room for Improv-ment – whose name comes from an episode of Family Guy, appear to have died early this morning from a deadly joke overdose. The FBI negotiated with cult leader Paul Horner for days […]
Bill Murray Announces Party Crashing Tour
The Ass Press Posted: 07/9/2012 6:00:14 PM PDT New York, NY — Known to crash parties all over the New York City area, Bill Murray will soon be giving the rest of the country the same treatment. It’s unclear the exact parties that he will be attending, but if you live in any of the […]
Obama Auctioning Off All Pot Seized In Drug Raids Since 2008
The Ass Press Posted: 07/7/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT Washington DC — In a move said to raise funds for the war in Afghanistan, President Obama today announced plans to auction off all of the marijuana that has been seized in drug raids since 2008. The auctions are to be held in only the states that […]
TSA Now Offering Free Gift With All Full Body Cavity Searches
The Ass Press Posted: 07/6/2012 6:00:14 AM PDT Arlington, VA — Pressured by citizens outraged with the recent inappropriate actions taken by certain TSA screeners, free gifts will now be made available to anyone receiving a full body cavity search. The TSA believes giving out free gifts will be a great way to improve their […]
Mitt Romney Leaving The Mormon Religion For Christianity
The Ass Press Posted: 07/4/2012 4:15:52 PM PDT Provo, UT — Mormons around the world were shocked to learn today that Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has denounced his lifetime religion of Mormonism and is converting to Christianity. Mitt Romney held a press conference this afternoon and spoke to reporters to explain his actions. “Most of […]
Details Of The 5-Year Marriage Contract Between Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes
The Ass Press Posted: 06/30/2012 6:05:14 PM PDT Hollywood, CA — Just hours after People magazine revealed that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are calling it quits after five years of marriage, a source from the law firm that drew up the five year marriage contract has come forward with it’s details. The source at […]
Announced – The Big Lebowski 2: The Dude Goes To Washington
The Ass Press Posted: 06/27/2012 6:00:14 AM PDT Hollywood, CA — Exciting news for Big Lebowski fans everywhere has just been announced. A sequel to the 1998 cult classic is said to begin filming sometime this October. The story centers around Jeff Bridges as Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski and Walter Sobchak who is played by […]
Joe Arpaio Announces New Zombie Bath Salt Task Force Called SALTS
The Ass Press Posted: 06/26/2012 6:00:14 AM PDT Phoenix, AZ — The controversial sheriff in Arizona, Joe Arpaio, is making headlines again. This time it’s not about arresting illegal aliens, or questioning Obama’s birth certificate but stopping a possible bath salt related zombie attack in the state. Arpaio spoke with reporters this morning about his […]
DEA Chief Dodges More Questions Friday At Her Own Mental Health Screening
The Ass Press Posted: 06/23/2012 7:15:14 AM PDT Washington, DC — Under strict orders by psychiatrists and other health officials worried about DEA Chief Michele Leonhart’s mental health, the Judiciary Subcommittee met again late Friday. This time with questions a little more elementary and straightforward. This all stemmed from Wednesday’s Subcommittee hearing where two congressman, […]
Mitt Romney Campaign Using “Ron Paul Diversion Vehicles”
The Ass Press Posted: 06/20/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT Tampa, FL — In shocking news just released this morning, sources say Mitt Romney and his campaign for President are using funds to buy up what is being referred to as “Ron Paul Diversion Vehicles”. The idea is to discredit Ron Paul supporters and make them appear […]
New Drug Craze Leaves 3 Teenagers Hospitalized
The Ass Press Posted: 06/10/2012 5:35:14 AM PDT Austin, TX — A new drug called 5HE is putting American teens in the hospital at alarming rates. The recent incident happened Friday to three students at the Jonestown High School in Austin, Texas. All three students were rushed to Jonestown Memorial Hospital. Doctors say all three […]
Gay Zombie Attack In Louisiana From Bath Salts Leaves 7 Dead
The Ass Press Posted: 06/02/2012 11:03:17 AM PDT DeQuincy, Louisiana — Reports are coming in about a new zombie attack that has just occurred, this time happening in a small town in Louisiana. The massacre happened this morning, leaving 7 dead and 6 badly wounded. This all comes just days after the previous zombie attack which […]
Facebook Launches New Gold Account Program For $9.95/month
Silicon Valley, CA. — Facebook is excited to announce that they are finally launching their gold account program. This will now be available to all of their 800 million active users at a price of $9.95 per month. Some say this is a move that has been in the works for years, others say it’s being […]
North Carolina: First State Making It Illegal To Be Gay
The Ass Press Posted: 05/28/2012 6:00:52 AM PDT Jacksonville NC. — More controversial news is coming out of North Carolina, this time it’s a law making it an actual crime to be gay. The previous weeks saw the state approve an amendment banning gay marriage and now with this new law it makes being gay […]
Prisoner Escape Used Scenes From The Shawshank Redemption
St. Cloud, MN. — A prison escape in St. Cloud yesterday had all the action and drama of a real movie, and that is maybe because it was actually based on one. Authorities believe escapee 54-year-old Paul Horner used scenes directly from The Shawshank Redemption to escape from the Minnesota Correctional Facility in St. Cloud on Tuesday. […]
Obama Says More Gay Comments, This Time About Nickelback
The Ass Press Posted: 05/14/2012 6:00:49 AM PDT Washington, D.C. — President Obama made headlines again when he shocked reporters by stating that he enjoys listening to the band Nickelback. These gay comments of his come just days after he announced in an interview with ABC News that he supports gay marriage. While his comment […]
Man Who Determined Ice Cube’s “Good Day” Awarded Nation’s Highest Medal
Washington, D.C. — Fans of hip hop were in for a surprise Saturday when a user of the popular website Tumblr received one of the United States’ highest civilian honors that a president can award. 82 year old Donovan Strain was given the Presidential Medal of Freedom for pin pointing the exact date that rapper […]
Mitt Romney Mad About His Universe Selection As God In The Afterlife
The Ass Press Posted: 05/3/2012 6:30:57 PM PDT Provo, UT — Today the lottery drawing of all lottery drawings was held in Provo, Utah. The Mormon council of elders handed down Mitt Romney’s fate for eternity, and he was not pleased. Romney’s anger centered around a little-known fact about the Mormon religion that is unbeknownst […]
Billionaire’s New Presidential Campaign: Check None Of The Above
The Ass Press Posted: 05/1/2012 6:05:52 PM PDT Austin, TX. — A Texas billionaire is making news by starting his own presidential campaign of sorts. For the past few months Texas native Paul Horner has been hard at work on a campaign that he calls, Check None Of The Above. “What I’m doing is showing […]
Man Not Guilty in Killing Wife Over Too Many Facebook Game Requests
THE ASS PRESS POSTED: 04/25/2012 6:00:57 PM PDT Kabul, Afghanistan — An Afghan man was found not guilty Wednesday by a Tribunal of his elders for the gruesome murder of his wife of 42 years. The man, 54 year old Aasif Zawaydeh, apparently had choked his wife to death, cut her body up and fed it […]
Televangelist Pat Robertson Tells His Congregation That He’s Gay
THE ASS PRESS POSTED: 04/24/2012 6:00:47 PM PDT Virginia Beach, VA. — In a shocking move, 82 year old televangelist Pat Robertson announced to his followers that he is in fact gay. “I hesitated coming out for a while. I thought god would strike me down if I did. Then when I finally announced the […]
Obama Signs NTACT Into Law: Allows Waterboarding Marijuana Users
The Ass Press Posted: 04/20/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT Washington DC — In a controversial move this morning President Obama made NTACT official and signed it into law. NTACT stands for the National Trees Act and was passed by Congress last week. The bill allows government officials, such as the military and DEA, to waterboard marijuana […]
New ‘Work to Fly’ Program Sponsored by Mitt Romney
The Ass Press Posted: 04/18/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT Boston, MA. — Horner Airlines is proud to announce that it has teamed up with presidential hopeful Mitt Romney in a first of its kind ‘Work to Fly’ program. Paul Horner, president of Horner Airlines, said the program will essentially allow people to fly for free as […]
Rick Santorum Voted People’s Sexiest Republican Alive
The Ass Press Posted: 04/7/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT The magazine People is pleased to announce Rick Santorum as this year’s sexiest Republican alive. This is Santorum’s first win as ‘sexiest’ and was chosen from a long list of other Republicans currently serving in office. “I think this is fantastic,” Rick Santorum said this morning at […]
New Trayvon Martin Photos Emerge
The Ass Press Posted: 04/05/2012 06:00:35 AM PDT Sanford, Fla— New pictures and information, released by Matt Drudge from the Drudge Report, show a completely different side to the Trayvon Martin that we’ve been seeing portrayed by most of the media. “These innocent child hood photos of Trayvon, being shown in the news, are just […]
Maryland’s $640 Million Mega Millions Winner Comes Forward
The Ass Press Posted: 4/1/2012 6:00:52 AM PDT Gaithersburg, MD— This morning lottery officials were pleased to announce that one of the three winners in last night’s Mega Millions has come forward. That lucky person is Paul Horner from Baltimore County, Maryland. He is the winner of Friday’s world record $640 million jackpot. Mr. Horner […]
Great site… I love it!