Archives for July 2013

I Received This Message Today

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation DolphinI received this message today from Paul Horner of Phoenix, Arizona:

Dear Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin,

I recently made friends with a couple who lives next door to me. They are about my age, have a 6-year-old daughter and a 4-year-old Labrador Retriever. A few weeks ago they said their babysitter had canceled on them at the last minute and asked if I could help. I didn’t really want to but they were a nice couple, their daughter and dog were pretty chill, so I thought it shouldn’t be a problem. So I say yes. Anyway, about 5 hours into this thing, it’s boring as shit. The 6-year-old is watching cartoons and the dog is doing dog things. So I start drinking. After a while I start hanging out with them on the couch. They pass out and I’m horny. I start looking at that thing and just want to put my dick in it. I know it’s illegal, but I drink some more and unfortunately give into my urges. After less than 30 seconds I realize how immoral and wrong it is what I’m doing so I stop. I quickly pull up my pants and run off to the master bedroom where I pass out.

In the morning I awake to the couple entering the house. I talk to them briefly, they attempt to pay me – which I decline, then I leave. For at least a week or two after that I am thinking at any moment the cops are going to knock on my door and arrest me; but they never do.

Anyway, long story short… Am I going to Hell for fucking the dog?

Thanks –

Paul Horner

Dear Paul,

I did not read anything about masturbation in your story. I am only here to prevent self-rape so when it comes to that aspect of your story I think you are Hell-free. As for the dog, that could be a Hell-violation, but I do not have any knowledge or could I comment on that subject.

Best of luck to you!

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Why George Zimmerman Is Guilty And Should Be In Prison

Why George Zimmerman is guilty and should be in prison for killing Trayvon Martin - Everyone needs to stop protesting the wrong thing

Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman.

George Zimmerman disobeyed police orders. The 911 dispatcher told him not to follow Martin. Instead he’s like, “No, I got this.” … “I’m going to get out of my car in a dark alley and confront some random 6’3″ tall, 160 lb thug-looking black guy in a hoodie”…

For Zimmerman to be found not guilty on all charges is just plain stupid. The judge is stupid and the jury are f*cking r*tards. Should he be found guilty of murder? I dunno? Not really enough info based on self defense and that stand your ground law. Should he be found guilty of being a f*cking idiot? YES. Big time yes.

He should have been found guilty of manslaughter or something. Everything that happened after this f*cking moron got out of his car is irrelevant. No matter what he did or what Trayvon Martin did, it doesn’t matter. He disobeyed police orders and was a complete idiot for getting out of his car and being a vigilante.

I see a lot of black people today rioting and protesting his not guilty verdict, but based on what Zimmerman did after he got out of his car. That is F*CKING stupid. Trayvon was beating the shit out of Zimmerman. Zimmerman then had a right to defend himself according to state law, even using lethal force. That’s stupid to protest that. Trayvon was not a 80 lb innocent 12 year old. He was a 6’3″ wanna-be gangster.

This whole verdict makes me so sick, from both sides. I just read another article about black people and Jesse Jackson pissed off that Zimmerman killed Trayvon Martin and “got away with murder”. Are all these people retarded or do they only see black and white?

Zimmerman was a non racist good person who saw a 6’3″ tall black thug in a hoodie in a gated community looking suspicious. As a block captain he had every right to call the cops and report suspicious activity. And then after that, it all goes wrong. Those people should be protesting his vigilante actions and disobeying police requests to “NOT FOLLOW”. How can you protest a 6’3″ 160 lb wanna be gangster beating the shit out of Zimmerman and then Zimmerman “standing his ground” by using lethal force- which is legal but it’s a ground he should have never been at in the first place.

AND, this trial and event that took place has NOTHING to do with race. To confront some random 6’3″ tall, 160 lb black guy in a hoodie in a dark alley; you would have to be out of your f*cking mind. Same thing goes with confronting a random 6’3″ tall, 160 lb white guy in a hoodie in a dark alley… out of your go*damn mind. THEY are a ‘random’ individual. You do not know their state of mind or what weapons may be on their person.

You protest Zimmerman being a f*cking idiot. You protest Zimmerman not getting manslaughter charges or 2nd or 3rd degree murder charges. You protest that Zimmerman will still be able to be block captain, report suspicious activity, and take matters into his own hands again when specifically being told not to. How many more people will Zimmerman kill after this because he obviously doesn’t listen to the authorities. You protest that Zimmerman is allowed to leave his house and be a f*cking retard again where someone ends up dead again because of his retardedness.

Zimmerman should be in prison or on house arrest forever. He should never be allowed to own a car again. He should not be allowed to be a block captain ever. He should be punished for disobeying police; getting out of his car and starting what turned into some wanna-be-gangster getting killed… ALL OF IT completely unnecessary. It’s just not right. The judge is a r*tard and the jury are r*tards. Justice was not served and you don’t have to be a brain surgeon to understand why. It’s a simple case of “Zimmerman got out of his car and took the law into his own hands”. He needs to be punished for his actions. F*cking DUH.

What it all comes down to with the Martin / Zimmerman incident… Would Martin still be alive if Zimmerman would have stayed in his car and not follow Martin like he was ordered to by law enforcement? YES. What is the punishment that Zimmerman should receive? I don’t know. I’m not a lawyer,  judge or jury. Should he receive some kind of manslaughter punishment or 2nd or 3rd degree murder charge? OF COURSE. 100%.

~ By Paul Horner

Paul Horner is the author of every article on this website. All the articles on this site are parody or hoaxes. This article is real. I was pissed, so I said a lot of swear words. It was fun.

Do you agree with this article? Do you not agree with my take on this trial? Please leave a comment. Thanks!

Edward Snowden Safely Lands In Venezuela Where He Was Granted Asylum To Avoid U.S. Extradition

Edward Snowden safely lands in Venezuela from Cuba, originally from Moscow, after Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro offered him asylum.

Edward Snowden safely landed in Caracas, Venezuela after Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro offered him asylum.

EDIT: 8/1/13 – It turns out I received bad intel on this story. I guess he was actually just granted asylum in Russia for one year. That’s where he is and will be for the while. My bad.

Washington, DC — The Al Jazeera news agency is reporting that NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has safely landed in Caracas, Venezuela. Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro had offered asylum to the former U.S. intelligence contractor on Friday who was believed to be waiting in transit at a Moscow airport.

Guillermo Thomas who is a spokesman for the Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela told that Snowden is currently in the country and that he is thrilled to be there. “We are very blessed to have Mr. Snowden in our country, it is a pleasure,” Thomas said. “There were no direct flights across the Atlantic from Moscow to Venezuela. The only flight for Snowden to avoid U.S. extradition was to travel through Cuba. We would like to thank our friends in Cuba for making this journey possible and such a success.” Thomas continued, “Mr. Snowden is a hero and should be treated as one. We are pleased to provide this hero a home where he can live and be safe.”

Maduro announced his decision to allow asylum to Snowden during Venezuelan independence day celebrations. “As head of state, the government of the Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela decided to offer humanitarian asylum to the young American Edward Snowden so that he can come and live here, away from the persecution of American imperialism.”

Snowden’s journey began in May of this year after he was permitted temporary leave from his position at the NSA in Hawaii, on the pretext of receiving treatment for his epilepsy. On May 20th, Snowden flew to the Chinese territory of Hong Kong. This is where he was staying when the initial articles revealing information about the NSA that he had leaked were published. Among other specifics, Snowden disclosed the existence and functions of several classified U.S. surveillance programs and their scope, including notably PRISM, NSA call database and Boundless Informant. He also revealed details of Tempora, a British black-ops surveillance program run by the NSA’s British partner, GCHQ.

Snowden explained his actions to Glenn Greenwald from the Guardian about the motives behind the biggest intelligence leak in a generation. “I don’t want to live in a society that does these sort of things (surveillance on its citizens). I do not want to live in a world where everything I do and say is recorded.” Snowden further stated, “I have no intention of hiding who I am because I know I have done nothing wrong.”

Snowden told the Guardian that by revealing his identity he hoped to protect his colleagues from being subjected to a hunt in determining who had been responsible for the leaks. He also said that Lindsay Mills, his girlfriend who was living with him in Hawaii, was being a real “bummer” and this was as good an excuse as any to get away from that situation.

Lindsay Mills’ new boyfriend Paul Horner told the BBC News earlier this month that Snowden couldn’t handle commitment. “He’s just using this whole whistleblower thing as an excuse. The truth is, Lindsay is a great girl and Snowden really blew it by leaving her,” Horner said. “But she’s with me now and I’ll make sure to take real good care of her. America is here for their women in need, especially when that woman was left by a traitor to this country.”

On June 14, 2013, U.S. federal prosecutors charged Snowden with espionage and theft of government property. Snowden is believed to have asked 27 countries for asylum, most of whom had turned down his request since he outed himself as the NSA whistleblower responsible for leaking information about U.S. Government spy programs.


Groundhog Day 20th Anniversary Reunion Tour Kicks Off July 13th

Bill Murray from Groundhog Day

Bill Murray from a scene in Groundhog Day will be participating in the 20th Anniversary party for the movie that begins July 13th in Phoenix, Arizona.

Culver City, CA — The day that would never end for Bill Murray is turning 20-years-old and the cult classic Groundhog Day is celebrating it properly with a 29-city movie reunion tour that kicks off in Phoenix, Arizona on July 13th. Included in the tour will be cast members Bill Murray, Chris Elliott, Andie MacDowell and Stephen Tobolowsky. It is unclear the exact parties they plan to attend, but if you live in any of the cities listed on the tour, the main characters from Groundhog Day might just be partying with you.

Paul Horner who is a spokesman for Sony Pictures Studios said everyone is excited about the reunion tour. “What better way to celebrate the 20th anniversary of Groundhog Day than a reunion tour visiting and partying with the same fans who made this movie as popular as it still is today,” Horner said. “Besides the fun and excitement this tour will bring it is also helping others by raising money for the March of Dimes that works to improve the health of mothers and babies.”

For those not familiar with the movie; it centers around an arrogant and egocentric Pittsburgh TV weatherman (Murray) who is reluctantly sent to cover a story about Groundhog Day. This is the fourth year in a row that he has done the story and makes no effort to hide his frustration. The following day he finds himself in a time loop, repeating the same day over and over again. Groundhog Day has been considered a tale of self-improvement which emphasizes the need to look inside oneself and realize that the only satisfaction in life comes from turning outward and concerning oneself with others rather than concentrating solely on one’s own wants and desires. According to the website Wolf Gnards, Murray’s character Phil Connors spends 8 years, 8 months and 16 days trapped in Groundhog Day.

It is not yet known the venues of the parties and where they will be held in each city. Horner told CNN that most of the parties will be at someone’s personal residence. “Any house or location interested must have a sheet or banner with the words ‘Groundhog Day Party Here’. You can also contact the hotline we have setup and inform us of a party that you will be throwing,” Horner said. “Ideas for your party can include a screening of the movie Groundhog Day, karaoke, Groundhog Day themed costumes along with plenty of food and alcohol just to name a few. Murray, Elliott, MacDowell and Tobolowsky will be signing autographs and just hanging out with guests so please make your party as comfortable as possible for them.”

The odd moment of the press conference came when 27-year-old Eli Kluger from Phoenix, Arizona told reporters he thought Rick Moranis was in Groundhog Day. “Wasn’t Rick Moranis in Groundhog Day, or am I thinking of another movie?” That is when all the reporters in attendance laughed and pointed at him for being stupid or attempting to be funny.

The Groundhog Day Movie Reunion Tour kicks off July 13th in Phoenix, Arizona and will end September 14th in Austin, Texas. For a complete list of dates and locations of this tour, click here. For more information please call the 24-hour Groundhog Day Movie Reunion Tour Hotline at (310) 244-4000.