Monsanto Funds Anti-Masturbation Organization

The Monsanto Company has begun funding anti-masturbation organizations such as Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin (seen here) and STOP Masturbation NOW

The Monsanto Company has begun funding an anti-masturbation organization which includes programs such as Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and STOP Masturbation NOW.

Creve Coeur, MO — The Monsanto Company held a press conference today to announce their funding of an anti-masturbation organization who recently lost federally funding and was shut down by the FBI. This controversial move comes just days after the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) was taken over by Monsanto.

Dave Myers who is administrator and spokesman for Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin said he is thrilled to have the Monsanto Company supporting their cause. “Things got a little crazy there for a few days when the F.B.I., the U.S. government and Facebook shut us down. Fortunately Monsanto saw the importance of what we were doing and saved the day,” Myers said. “Now we are back online and stronger than ever.”

Paul Horner who is a spokesman for Monsanto explained the reason behind their controversial decision. “We are proud to be the new sponsors of an organization that supports living a masturbation-free lifestyle. The kids love Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and we figure this will be a great way to improve our reputation and inform the public of all the good that we are doing.” Horner continued, “Now that we are in charge of the USDA we can pretty much do whatever we want. And we want to provide healthy food to every person in world and also put an end to masturbation once and for all.”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now said he is excited about joining forces with Monsanto. “Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape,” Childs told reporters. “It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease.” Childs continued, “God willing, one day masturbation will be illegal and everyone will be eating things created by Monsanto.”

Tommy Kelly from Waterbury, CT says he loves the food produced by Monsanto. “The lobster potatoes and halibut tomatoes are probably my favorite,” Kelly said. “Also, masturbation in this country is at an all-time high and needs to stop. I hope one day Monsanto can genetically modify arms to make them shorter. This will stop masturbation for good.”

Monsanto has also suggested we bring Frankie the Fruit Bat® with us along on our new and improved nationwide tour starting on May 21st.

Monsanto has suggested Frankie the Fruit Bat® as an additional mascot to join Fappy® on the anti-masturbation tour that begins May 21st.

NBC News spoke with Daniel Ballado who has worked with Monsato for 9 months. “I work in their department for testing new chemicals. I smell each one and then Monsanto staff members in hazmat suits check to see what, if any, side effects occur.” Ballado said. “Working for a multi-billion dollar company and no high school education I can’t just start working in their GMO department for animals. I have to start off at the bottom and work my way up.” Ballado continued, “I figure after this chemical testing, I’ll probably be washing lettuce. Soon after that I’ll be on fries, then the grill. In a year or two, I’ll be assistant manager… and that’s when the big bucks start rollin’ in.”

Though not everyone is a fan of Monsanto. Shilda Vafaei who heads up the Twin Cities March Against Monsanto says Monsanto feeds the world’s less educated. “Monsanto is responsible for some really super things, namely super weeds, super bugs, autism, Parkinson’s, and Alzheimer. Either mankind will stop Monsanto or Monsanto will stop mankind. You control the food supply, and you control the people,” Vafaei told reporters. “Monsanto is not even required to put labels on their food stating that it has been genetically altered. Instead they can legally call it ‘organic’ and they do that all the time. They destroy food and now they have a dolphin going around the country talking to elementary school children about the dangerous consequences of masturbation and the benefits of genetically modified foods. It is completely insane.” Vafaei continued, “If you’re cool with a company that produces food that will kill you and also heads up the USDA, then you are either a Washington lobbyist or you work for the Obama Administration.”

Critics are urging individuals to demand an investigation into Monsanto’s takeover of the USDA and join the Nation of Change and organizations around the world in a March Against Monsanto on May 25.

Monsanto tweet about funding an anti-masturbation organization

Monsanto’s Tweet about funding an anti-masturbation organization.

According to CNN, Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and STOP Masturbation NOW have announced a 31-city nationwide school tour focusing on educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of masturbation and the benefits of genetically modified foods.

The Monsanto Company is a publicly traded agricultural biotechnology corporation headquartered in Creve Coeur, Missouri. It is a leading producer of genetically engineered food and of the herbicide which it markets under the name ‘Roundup’.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are programs designed to teach children and adults about the dangers of masturbation. For a complete list of dates and locations of this nationwide tour, click here. For more information or if you would like Fappy® to visit your child’s school please call the 24-hour Monsanto Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin Nationwide School Tour Hotline.

  • Fappy® Nationwide Monsanto School Tour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

STOP masturbation NOW on FacebookSTOP Masturbation NOW

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin on FacebookFappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

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Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin needs your help and support in ending masturbation and educating children about the benefits of genetically modified foods! Get your very own OFFICIAL Fappy® merchandise here!


  1. Sarah H says:

    How much more evil can the Monsanto Company get?

  2. I don't like Monsanto says:


  3. Monsanto is the largest known monopoly of agriculture and has destroyed natural farming in the United States and around the world… and now they are investing in anti-masturbation programs?? WTF

  4. It’s time to take back our food!

    And also, there is nothing wrong with masturbation. WTF is wrong with these people?

  5. F*ck Monsanto and f*ck that anti-masturbating dolphin!

  6. Bro, do you lift? says:

    That Fappy the anti-masturbation dolphin probably doesn’t even lift

  7. How to get rid of Monsanto says:

  8. Thanks Monsanto! says:

    I would eat the sh*t out of square oranges.

    Thanks Monsanto! Also, Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin Rules! Frankie the Fruit Bat, not so much.

  9. Fap all over Monsanto says:

    I’m going to fap all over Monsanto

  10. Fapping right now says:

    Locations of Monsanto… holy f*ck. It’s like world domination

  11. March against Monsanto! says:

    March against Monsanto!

    Continue masturbating!

  12. unfortunately true :( says:

    Let’s go America! Get some common sense. Get rid of the corruption of Obama and the lobbyists keeping Monsanto alive… and wtf, putting them in charge of the USDA??! That’s like an Onion story, but unfortunately true :(

  13. Disgusted says:
  14. Anonymous says:

  15. Senator Jeff Merkley says:

    Repeal the Monsanto Protection Act

    Petition Background

    It’s one of the most outrageous special interest provisions in years.

    Written anonymously, the Monsanto Protection Act allows corporations to sell genetically-modified seeds even when federal courts have blocked them from doing so.

    Think about that: We have a process for making sure that genetically-modified seeds aren’t sold, planted and grown until we know that they don’t pose a threat to other crops or to humans.

    The Monsanto Protection Act overrides that process. It lets Monsanto and others ignore a court order designed to protect other farmers, the environment, and human health.

    That’s just wrong.

    And even worse, the Monsanto Protection Act was passed in secret, stuffed quietly into the budget bill that averted a government shutdown.

    That’s why I’ve proposed an amendment to the Farm Bill that would repeal the Monsanto Protection Act. Please join me – and demand a vote in the U.S. Senate that would end this outrageous special interest override of judicial decisions.

    Senator Jeff Merkley

  16. The Monsanto Company says:

  17. March For Monsanto says:

    Be different! Don’t follow the trends! Stop being sheeple! I say tomorrow everyone buys a bag of genetically modified corn and marches through the streets proudly yelling, “You may take my genetically modified corn and give me cancer, but you can’t stop me from yelling at a reasonable volume!”

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