Archives for January 2013

Bill Murray Performs Heimlich Maneuver, Saves Choking Man At Lunch

Bill Murray saves mans life choking on food

Bill Murray saved a man’s life while dining with friends in Phoenix, Arizona today.

Phoenix, AZ — In a scene straight from the movie Groundhog Day, Bill Murray saved the life of a man who was choking while dining at a local restaurant in Phoenix, Arizona today.

Murray was having lunch with friends when a man three tables from him began to choke on his food. “I saw the guy choking, so I went over and helped him out,” Murray said. “I actually learned the Heimlich maneuver while working on the movie Groundhog Day. I’m glad I was able to get some good use of the skill outside of the movies.”

34-year-old Paul Horner from Phoenix, Arizona told reporters what happened at the restaurant. “I guess I just took too much of a bite because suddenly I couldn’t breath. Anyway the next thing I know, none other than Bill Murray is giving me the Heimlich maneuver,” Horner says. “It was an amazing experience and he is such a good person. I volunteered to pay for his lunch, but he wouldn’t let me. He did say I could buy him a drink though, so that’s what I did. Bill Murray is a living legend, a hero and today he saved my life.”

Lucas Studer who is a waiter at Copper Blues, where the incident occurred, told reporters about the day’s excitement. “This man started choking, so without hesitation, Mr. Murray gets up from his table, goes over to where this gentleman is at and immediately starts giving him the Heimlich. While everyone else in the restaurant was wondering what to do, Bill Murray stepped up and saved the day,” Studer said. “It was great to meet Mr. Murray, what a cool guy. Also since Copper Blues is a comedy spot, Bill told us he was coming back next month to visit, so that will be awesome.”

Before leaving the restaurant, Murray told of his plans for next month. “The people at Copper Blues have been so nice to me and my guests. I told them I would come back next month on the 12th, probably in the evening, to tell some stories and maybe even do a few jokes for the crowd. It’s going to be a free show, so stop by if you’re in the area.”

Murray is supposedly scheduled for February 12th at Copper Blues from 7pm – 9pm. It is not clear if his attendance is 100% guaranteed, but various news sources have confirmed that a comedy show is happening that night during those times. Copper Blues is located next to the new Stand Up Live Comedy Theater at 50 W. Jefferson St. Phoenix, AZ 85003.

Bill Murray Catches Bank Robber In Tokyo, Accidentally

Bob Harris or Bill Murray stopped a robbery in Tokyo

Bill Murray stopped a bank robbery in Tokyo today when a fan stopped to talk with him. That fan also happened to be the bank robber.

Tokyo, Japan — A bank robber was apprehended today in Tokyo after stopping to talk with none other than Bill Murray. “The man robbed the Bank of Tokyo-Mitsubishi, ran out, saw Bill Murray walking on the street and stopped to talk to him. That’s when authorities were able to apprehend him,” Tokyo Police Chief Hideyoshi Mori told reporters.

Bill Murray who is in Tokyo promoting a new movie told reporters about the incident. “I saw this man in the street running towards me with a bag in his hand. Then he suddenly stopped when he saw me. He asked me if I was Bob Harris, the character I played in Lost in Translation. I told him, ‘sure, why not’. Then he started telling me how much he loved me and how great he thought I was. I was polite, I told him that was very nice of him to say. Then kind of out of nowhere, police showed up and tackled the man,” Murray said. “Some people might call me a hero, but I’m no hero. The real heroes today are the men and women of the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department.”

34-year-old American Paul Horner who is in Tokyo on business was at the bank when the robbery happened. “I was just standing behind this guy waiting for my turn. Then suddenly he starts waving around a knife demanding money I think, my Japanese is mediocre at best. So they fill this man’s bag with whatever was in one of the registers and then he runs out the door,” Horner said. “I’m not shaken up about the robbery at all, I’m pretty much a foot or two taller than all the people over here, so I thought it was kind of like a really cute bank robbery if that’s possible. What I am shaken up about is that Bill Murray was the one who stopped this guy and I didn’t get a chance to meet him.” Horner continued, “Bill Murray is my personal hero and today he was an actual hero for the city of Tokyo. What a cool guy.”

“We love Bill Murray very much in our country, he is very funny man,” said Tomi Tanaka who is manager of the Bank of Tokyo-Mitsubishi. “Tomorrow, we are giving Mr. Murray an award with very big ceremony. It will be very excellent, everyone in Tokyo is invited.”

The robber, who’s name has not been released yet, was apprehended and taken into police custody. On his person police found a knife and a bag filled with 4,550,00.00 Japanese Yen, or about 5,000.00 USD.


Obama Says He Will Free The Sh*t Out Of Australia After Trillions Of Dollars Of Oil Has Been Discovered In The Region

Obama speaking about Australia's oil

Obama spoke to reporters today about freeing Australia from whatever tyranny has plagued their country for years.

Washington, D.C. — Today a $20 trillion oil basin was discovered in Australia, set to turn the country from importer to mass exporter. In what American politicians are calling just a coincidence, Obama held a press conference today saying that priority number one for America right now is providing Australia with a “sh*t ton more democracy”.

“The people of Australia need our help now more than ever,” said Obama. “Folks, I watch the Discovery Channel. I have seen the huge spiders, poisonous frogs and dangerous snakes that live in Australia. We need to focus our total resources on helping these people keep a strong democracy while insects of mass destruction, or IMD’s, crawl around wreaking havoc.”

Paul Horner who is a military adviser for the Obama administration told reporters that Australia has been a dangerous threat to the rest of the world for years. “Most people are not aware of this,” Horner said, “But water in sinks and the toilets in Australia swirl the opposite direction than they do here in America. If that’s not defiance and a clear declaration of war, I don’t know what is.”

21-year-old Corey Worthington from Melbourne, who gained national fame from an interview on an Australian news station about a party he threw in 2008 for hundreds of kids while his parents were on holiday, said he believes America should reconsider their plans for Australia. “I think America should just f*ck off, that’s what I think they should do,” said Worthington. “They should mind their own go*damn business and stop making excuses to steal everyone’s oil. That’s our oil, the f*ckin’ c*nts they are.”

The oil discovery in South Australia is capable of producing 3.5 billion to 233 billion barrels of oil, enough to turn Australia into a self-sufficient fuel producer. State Mineral Resources Development Minister Kyle Brock told reporters that these were exciting times for the country and their possible future in the highly profitable oil industry. “Everything will be just fine as long as America doesn’t come in here and steal all our sh*t.”

Lindsay Lohan’s British Identical Twin Living A Wonderful Life In London

Lindsay Lohan's identical twin Lydia Lohan is alive and well according to a news report from the BBC. As you may or may not remember, Lydia Lohan starred with her sister Lindsay in the 1998 movie 'The Parent Trap'.

Lindsay Lohan seen here with her identical twin Lydia Lohan in a picture taken from 1998.

London, England — Lindsay Lohan’s identical twin Lydia Lohan Cahill is alive and well according to a news report from the BBC. As you may or may not remember, Lindsay starred with her sister Lydia in the 1998 movie ‘The Parent Trap’.

“My sister is quite the wanker and embarrassment to the family,” said Lydia. “I always read and hear stories about her in the states and I just shake my head in udder amazement.  I did learn a lot from her though, and that’s why I’ve never smoked, drank alcohol or used illegal drugs.”

Lydia told the reporter from the BBC her life could not be any better. “I have two beautiful daughters named Matilda and Gwendolyn. My loving husband Gary Cahill plays for Chelsea F.C. and we have been married for 8 wonderful years. I am vice president of the Barclays Bank in London and I love what I do. We have a house in the center of town that I just fancy. Besides Lindsay being such an arse, things couldn’t be any better for us.”

Lydia said that Disney has contacted her several times with talks of a possible new Parent Trap movie. “I’ve told them I would be interested, but only if Lindsay would get her arse about face.”

The Parent Trap was a 1998 Disney film about identical twins, separated at birth and each raised by one of their biological parents. They discover each other for the first time at summer camp and make a plan to bring their wayward parents back together.

New Study Shows The Bigger The Gun, The Bigger The Person, The Smaller The Penis

The bigger the gun, the bigger the size of the person, the smaller the penis

According to new studies released today by the American Research Group, the man in this picture would have a one inch fully erect penis.

Manchester, NH — A new study released today by the American Research Group shows that the larger an individual is along with also having a bigger gun directly relates to the size of that person’s penis size.

Paul Horner who headed up the 5-year study for the group explained to reporters how they came to the conclusion of their findings. “We took a group of over 500 male gun owners in various cities all around the country. Half of the men weighed under 200 lbs while the other half weighed over 200 lbs. We noticed immediately that the guns owned by the men weighing under 200 lbs were your normal size guns, your Glock pistols and such. The men weighing over 200, 300 and especialy 400 lbs all owned semi-automatic rifles and large weapons such as AK47’s. One individual weighing 769 lbs owned a Howitzer and scientists were unable to locate the man’s penis,” Horner said. “We measured the men’s penis sizes. It was an amazing find I must say. All the men with the large stomachs and big guns all had very small penises, whereas the normal size men with the normal size guns all had very average size penises.”

47-year-old Billy Jo Ray from DeQuincy, Louisiana who owns an AK47 and weighs 425 lbs said he does not agree with the study. “I don’t give a go*damn what these fact checkin’,  fancy scientists think. My one-half inch johnson satisfies all the ladies in town. I’ve never heard any complaints from my cousins once.”

Mayor Paul Covington of DeQuincy told reporters the town will be having its own ‘Gun Appreciation Day’ next weekend. “We do this every year around this time and unlike the recent national ‘Gun Appreciation Day‘ where five people were shot, we can safely assure our citizens that no one will get shot or killed at this upcoming event. We are taking safety precautions to eliminate any chances of someone getting hurt or injured. This includes no more all-night tailgating parties or BYOB at this event, that I can promise you.”

Horner said he will be attending the ‘Gun Appreciation Day’ in DeQuincy. “Our team of researchers and scientists will be closely monitoring the penis sizes of all the males attending this event. If our findings are correct, the town of DeQuincy should have the smallest penis sizes in the entire United States.”

To learn more about this study by the American Research Group or to participate you can call the ‘Big Gun-Big Man-Small Penis’ 24-hour hotline at (785) 273-0325.

Man Sues Friend Over Stealing His Facebook Cover Photo For $1.2 Million

Facebook cover photo lawsuit in Arizona

An Arizona man is suing his friend for $1.2 million over a Facebook cover photo he allegedly used without his permission.

Phoenix, AZ — An Arizona man is suing a friend of his for $1.2 million for allegedly using his Facebook cover photo without his permission. The photo in question is from the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, a 1968 science fiction film produced and directed by Stanley Kubrick.

34-year-old Kyle Brock who is suing Arizona resident Paul Horner told reporters the reason behind the lawsuit. “Paul is always trying to one-up me. I worked really hard finding that unique picture, and he just comes along and uses it,” says Brock. “I took the time to find something to be original, and he used it without giving me credit. He also erased my comments on his page when I complained about it. Since then I’ve been hiding all my posts from him so he doesn’t steal any of my ideas again.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” says Horner. “I Photoshopped out the part of the monkey and put it on my Facebook cover photo. Like, oh no one has ever seen the movie Space Odyssey 2001 before, how original.”

A Facebook cover photo is the large photo at the top of a Facebook timeline, right above an individual’s profile picture. Initial court proceedings of the lawsuit ‘Brock vs Horner’ begin January 28th at the U.S. District Court of Arizona in downtown Phoenix.

This is the original Facebook cover photo that was used by Brock:
Facebook cover photo lawsuit

This is the original Facebook cover photo that was used by Horner:
Facebook cover photo lawsuit

This is the new Facebook cover photo created and used by Horner that is at the center of this lawsuit:
Facebook cover photo lawsuit

Super Official News wants to know what your thoughts are on this lawsuit? Please leave your comments below.

Manti Teʻo Inspires Thousands Of Gay Mormons To Come Forward & Admit That They Too Do Not Have A Real Girlfriend

Manti Teʻo and his fake girlfriend Lennay Kekua because he is gay

Manti Teʻo seen here after a win against USC in November of last year.

South Bend, IN — Inspired by College football star Manti Teʻo and his imaginary girlfriend named Lennay Kekua, thousands of other gay Mormons have come out of the closet saying that they do not have a real girlfriend either.

“In the Mormon religion, if you want to stay in good standings with the church, you can’t be gay,” says long-time Mormon Paul Horner. “So just like Manti Teʻo, I had to make up a girlfriend also. Mine was a beautiful girl that lived in Malaysia who owned a petting zoo and worked with blind kids.” Horner continued, “Oh, I would visit Malaysia at least four times a year, but it was always to see my boyfriend Dave. What Manti Teʻo did is an inspiration to all of us gay Mormons who have to stay in the closet for religious reasons. Thank you Manti Teʻo.”

34-year-old Paul Covington who is a Mormon that just came out of the closet this morning said he is proud of Teʻo and his family. “Te’o claims he would spend all night on the phone with Kekua while she was in the hospital. His family said they met and communicated with the girl too. That is love right there,” Convington said. “My family and I have always had an ongoing story that we have told the church how my girlfriend works overseas for Greenpeace. I couldn’t have stayed in the church without the loving support and understanding of my family so I understand exactly what Manti Teʻo is going through.”

One of Teʻo’s close friends Kyle Brock told reporters they need to leave him alone. “What male hasn’t had a fake girlfriend in their life,” says Brock. “When I was in 4th grade I had a made-up girlfriend name Stephanie Lancaster. I would tell all my friends about her. How big her breasts were, how much she loved me, how much we boned, ya know, all that kind of good stuff. I said she lived up north and no one could visit her, because her parents were real strict. I even had a picture of her that I cutout from a Victoria Secret magazine to show friends. It got me points with the guys and it made the girls jealous that I was bangin’ a hotty up north.” Brock continued, “Also why isn’t anyone focusing on the positive here? At least this means Manti Teʻo’s girlfriend didn’t die.”

Eric Burns who heads up the Mormon chapter in South Bend said he is uncertain if Teʻo will still be allowed to belong to the church. “We will be meeting this weekend to decide if Manti Teʻo can still remain a part of the church,” said Burns. “Gay guys, and their sexual activities, that’s just gross. What kind of example do we want to set for our children? One that allows big, strong, sweaty, gorgeous, strapping young men to penetrate each other over and over and over and over again? Not on my watch.”

Notre Dame says that Te’o never met Kekua, that their relationship was strictly online and by phone. Time will only tell if Teʻo is allowed to come out of the closet and still be accepted by Notre Dame and the Mormon Church.

Small Town In Louisiana Arming Its Students & Staff With Hand Guns

School arming it's kids with guns

Meagan Greenfield, a 5th grade student at DeQuincy Elementary School, is seen here checking her assigned Glock pistol to make sure it is fully loaded and working properly.

DeQuincy, LA — A small town in Louisiana is taking matters into their own hands when it comes to the controversial topic of gun control. They are arming all of their students, K-12, and staff members with hand guns. The three different schools in the town will also have armed guards with semi-automatic rifles stationed at every entrance.

Paul Horner who is the Superintendent for the school district in DeQuincy spoke with reporters this afternoon to explain the new gun policies. “We won’t let a tragedy like Sandy Hook happen in DeQuincy,” said Horner. “We understand it’s a big step putting guns in the hands of school children but drastic times call for drastic measures.”

Chief spokesman for the NRA in Louisiana Bill Hanson believes it is great what the town of DeQuincy is doing. “This is a great step in the right direction. The town of DeQuincy is the first city in the country to join our new ‘Kids With Guns’ program,” Hanson said. “No one in their right mind would think of shooting up a school filled with 500 kids and teachers armed to the teeth with semi-automatic weapons. Hopefully more schools will follow DeQuincy’s lead on this.” Hanson continued, “If you had guns in the hands of every child and teacher in the United States, school shootings would be a thing of the past, something you would just read about in the history books.”

3rd grade student Brandon Adams said he loves his new gun. “It’s so awesome, I look like James Bond now” Adams said. “I dare any of the bullies in the school to pick on me now. They try and disrespect again and it’s game over son.”

Every student and staff member in DeQuincy will be required to carry on their persons at all time a fully loaded Glock pistol. The children and staff members are also obligated to take a 40 hour class on how to fire a handgun safely and correctly. Staff members told reporters the children will not be allowed to take the weapons home with them and the guns will be locked up every night so no accidents can occur. For more information or how to get your school district enrolled in the ‘Kids With Guns’ program, please call (785) 273-0325.

2,452 Party Fouls Earns Man Spot In The Guinness Book of World Records

Paul Horner from Scottsdale Arizona

Paul Horner seen here committed enough party fouls last November to earn him a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Scottsdale, AZ — In one evening last November a Scottsdale man committed so many party fouls that it earned him a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records. The party where this feat occurred was at the Lancaster mansion party in Scottsdale, Arizona. It is a party which is thrown yearly for the elite of the elite in the area, and every year 34-year-old Paul Horner is invited for some reason.

“I don’t know why we keep inviting Mr. Horner back to our parties every year. We realize we’re just asking for trouble, but the guests seem to love him and he keeps them extremely entertained,” said 54-year-old Winston Lancaster III, who is the owner of the mansion where this exclusive party is held every year.

Elizabeth Lancaster told reporters that guests are forewarned of Horner’s attendance at the party. “Every year we warn people that Horner will be attending and of his previous actions,” Lancaster said. “What can I say, he’s a big hit. People love his antics. Some people just follow him around all night to see what crazy shenanigans he’ll do next.”

The following is a list of carefully documented events from the evening in question that earned Horner the top spot in The Guinness Book of World Records for most party fouls committed in one 24-hour period.

  • Announced to the crowd that the punch bowl had been spiked with Aids
  • Challenged 24 people to a fight, then tried hugging them the rest of the night
  • Broke 4 flat screen televisions with his head and fists
  • Put on a dress with no underwear, along with a lampshade on his head and started flirting with everyone in attendance, demanding that they give him their number or “face the consequences”
  • Puked all over the bartender, in the kitchen, in the living room, in the pool, in four separate bedrooms while making no attempt to clean up the mess or make it to the bathroom
  • Ordered 5 prostitutes with Mr. Lancaster’s Visa card without his permission
  • Took a sledge hammer to 3 different ice sculptures completely destroying them
  • Took off his pants and peed into 4 different punch bowls filled with alcohol
  • Started a toast announcing to the crowd how happy he was to be there, then instead of saying anything he just started smoking crack
  • Set fire to the guest house
  • Threw human feces at women that declined his invitation to dance or refused to give him their phone number
  • Lost both shoes, then stole a new pair from a blind man
  • Fell down the stairs 14 times
  • Pulled a knife on a 5-year-old
  • Walked into four different glass doors, shattering two of them
  • Spilled full cups of beer on 17 different people
  • Pushed 11 guests into the pool
  • Did the Macarena for 2 hours straight while singing Nickelback songs out loud through a megaphone as a DJ for the party played other genres of music that were not related to the Macarena or any songs performed by Nickelback
  • Fell into a pyramid of 1,000 bottles of Dom Perignon stacked on top of each other worth an estimated $200,000. Every bottle was broken and Horner was dripping blood from head to toe but refused medical treatment. He instead started throwing the broken shards of glass at guests while wiping his blood on furniture and the family dog.
  • Horner texted all 575 people on his phone, male and female, that he was DTF
  • Put rat poison in a dish of potato salad
  • Spat on 27 people
  • Engaged in sexual activities with 5 prostitutes in the master bedroom
  • Consumed 16 pills of xanax while smoking PCP, then started running around the party naked yelling something about an agency of the  government being after him
  • Horner left the party with the owner’s Porsche and their 16-year-old daughter Annabell Williamsburg telling onlookers to “suck my balls” and that he was headed for Mexico. Horner or Annabell have not been seen or heard from since the incident.

Horner was the previous World Record holder for most party fouls in a 24-hour-period but he topped last year’s accomplishments by an extra 4 spilled drinks and instead of two broken flat screens, this year it was four, plus a lot more human feces was thrown.

“We just love Horner attending our parties,” said Mrs. Lancaster. “He provides our guests with so much entertainment. We can’t wait to see what Horner has in store for our party next year! We just hope he returns our daughter Annabell and the Porsche as soon as possible, we would really appreciate that.”

If you have any information about Horner’s whereabouts or the Lancaster’s 16-year-old daughter please contact (785) 273-0325. A $100,000 reward is currently being offered and as always you can remain anonymous.

New FDA Approved Drug Allows You To Taste, Smell And Hear Colors

New FDA approved drug called Deemty

New FDA approved drug called Deemty

Santa Barbara, CA — Ttokkyo Laboratories is proud to announce FDA approval of their new wonder drug DeemtyTM. DeemtyTM was created for individuals that feel boredom or lack of excitement in their lives. The drug allows users to taste, smell and hear colors keeping life always fresh and interesting.

Paul Horner, CEO and Managing Director of Ttokkyo Laboratories, says the drug will change the way society lives. “No longer will people have boredom in their lives. That person working 40 hours a week behind a computer screen in a tiny cubicle will now enjoy coming to work. People without many friends, will now have colors to keep them entertained. It’s a wonderful thing.”

“DeemtyTM is amazing,” said 45-year-old Aaron Johnson. “I used to get so bored at work, every day was the same old routine, but not anymore. Now I spend all day having long conversations with different colors. The colors have so many interesting things to say plus they are great listeners. I talk to them while I’m driving, at home, or doing any mundane task, I just love it.” Johnson continued, “It has made my job as an elementary school bus driver a lot more fun that’s for sure.”

Chelsea Ellison from Payson, Arizona said she was bored with her life until she started using DeemtyTM. “I was bored of my job, where I live, my art, the same people I see at all the same places, bored of everything including myself. But all that changed with DeemtyTM,” says Ellison. “Now everything is like I’m in a movie, it’s so exciting. Colors like yellow and blue are always telling me jokes and making me laugh. Though the color black always tries to steal my stuff but other than that I love DeemtyTM. It’s completely changed my life for the better.”

Side effects of DeemtyTM range from mild to severe headaches. Serious allergic reactions can occur that include swelling of the face, lips, tongue, and/or throat. Other common side effects include but are not limited to decreased levels of potassium, dizziness, excessive bleeding (sometimes fatal), facial flushing, fainting, heart attack, high blood pressure, stroke, blood clots, dizziness, seizures, speech disorder, abdominal pain, difficulty breathing or swallowing, constipation, diarrhea, dry mouth, intestinal bleeding, nausea, rectal bleeding, stomach bleeding, vomiting, kidney failure, hepatitis, liver damage, sore throat, flu-like symptoms, anxiety, confusion, depression, hallucinations, irritability, thoughts of suicide, back pain, leg cramps, anemia, muscle pain, swelling of legs and feet, weakness, hair loss, frequent urination, loss of appetite, urinary tract infection, weight loss, bone pain, breast pain, chest pain, heartburn, joint pain, painful menstruation, blindness, blurred vision, ringing in the ears, tingling sensation, itching, severe skin reactions and sweating. Contact your doctor today to see if DeemtyTM is right for you.

Ttokkyo Laboratories has been in business since 1999. They are most well known for their anti-growing animal drug AdoraberilTM. For any questions about DeemtyTM, you can call the DeemtyTM 24-hour hotline at (785) 273-0325.