I Received This Message Today

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation DolphinI received this message today from Paul Horner of Phoenix, Arizona:

Dear Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin,

I recently made friends with a couple who lives next door to me. They are about my age, have a 6-year-old daughter and a 4-year-old Labrador Retriever. A few weeks ago they said their babysitter had canceled on them at the last minute and asked if I could help. I didn’t really want to but they were a nice couple, their daughter and dog were pretty chill, so I thought it shouldn’t be a problem. So I say yes. Anyway, about 5 hours into this thing, it’s boring as shit. The 6-year-old is watching cartoons and the dog is doing dog things. So I start drinking. After a while I start hanging out with them on the couch. They pass out and I’m horny. I start looking at that thing and just want to put my dick in it. I know it’s illegal, but I drink some more and unfortunately give into my urges. After less than 30 seconds I realize how immoral and wrong it is what I’m doing so I stop. I quickly pull up my pants and run off to the master bedroom where I pass out.

In the morning I awake to the couple entering the house. I talk to them briefly, they attempt to pay me – which I decline, then I leave. For at least a week or two after that I am thinking at any moment the cops are going to knock on my door and arrest me; but they never do.

Anyway, long story short… Am I going to Hell for fucking the dog?

Thanks –

Paul Horner

Dear Paul,

I did not read anything about masturbation in your story. I am only here to prevent self-rape so when it comes to that aspect of your story I think you are Hell-free. As for the dog, that could be a Hell-violation, but I do not have any knowledge or could I comment on that subject.

Best of luck to you!

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

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