The Ass Press
Posted: 09/15/2012 6:00:11 PM PDT
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Tel Aviv, Israel — Muslims around the world are rejoicing as the Prophet Muhammad has finally returned after all these hundreds of years. The news comes as both exciting and shocking as Muslims are learning the true identity of the mysterious prophet, a large African American woman. Muhammad was originally believed to be a man that was taller than average, had a muscular build, a large forehead, a sloping nose and a thick beard, but it turns out all of that was wrong. Muhammad held a press conference this afternoon to address the bullsh*t that’s been happening in the Muslim community lately.
“This bullsh*t needs to stop right now,” said Muhammad. “Muslims killing motherf*ckas over some silly movie or a cheesy cartoon, shit ain’t right. They best needs to chill before I roll up on em’. They think they gansta? Sh*t, I’ll show em’ who’s gansta.”
When told about all the suicide bombings and the recent killings at the US Embassy in Libya, Muhammad said she did not approve. “Oh heeelll no,” Muhammad said. “What is wrong with these people? I’ll tell you what it is. They aren’t allowed to have sex till they’re married, they can’t masturbate, plus they live on piles of hot sand in the middle of a war zone. You try to make me live on a pile of sand, where it’s hot as sh*t, not allowing me to get my f*ck on or even rub on myself while bombs and explosions and sh*t are going off all the time, and then you wanna make fun of my religion too? Well, I’d probably bust a cap in a n*gga also. But still, these player haters better recognize and stop all this bullsh*t right now. Don’t make me come back here again.”
Ahmed Saed Bin Hussein Al-Nasser, a 52-year-old devout Muslim, spoke briefly to reporters answering their questions about the Muslim religion. “The Muslim faith is a religion of peace, love, acceptance and understanding,” Al-Nasser said. Though his tone quickly changed once finding out that Muhammad is actually an obese African American woman from the inner city. “I will rape and murder all of you and everyone that you know,” Al-Nasser shouted at reporters.
David Miscavige who is founder of the human rights organization ‘Religious Freedom Watch’ said people need to stop mocking the Muslim religion. “These movies and images of Muhammad are an insult to the Muslim faith,” Miscavige said. “People need to respect their beliefs, especially now that we have found out Muhammad is an overweight, African American woman from the ghetto.”
Paul Horner, a free speech advocate, said he’s happy the violence will end now that people finally know Muhammad’s true identity. “This has always been an issue about free speech. No one cares what Muslims or any other religions actually believe. People only give Muslims are hard time because they are attempting to stop free speech. Muslims need to deal with the criticism of Muhammad in a peaceful manner otherwise they will never grow and mature as a religion,” Horner said. “If they didn’t fight everything and just accepted that not everyone is going to love your religion, then no one would be making these images and movies mocking Muhammad in the first place. It’s only done because Muslims get so ridiculously sensitive about the whole thing. They think the United States Government is behind these stupid images and lame movies, when it’s actually just some random guy. If they would stop getting so emotional about everything, no one would even care in the first place, and then these images and movies would never exist.”
Muhammad ended the press conference early saying that she needed to “meet up with her baby’s daddy” and “get her drink on”. For additional information on the return of the Prophet Muhammad, please contact the 24-hour ‘Muhammad Returns With A Vengeance Hotline’ at (785) 273-0325.
‘Innocence of Muslims’, The Movie Radical Muslims Are Killing People Over
[Updated at 09-20-12 | 11:35 PM PDT] Judge refuses to order YouTube to remove anti-Islam film.
Oh heeelll no!!!!!
Criticize Muhammad? That’s a paddilin’
So I live in Jordan and I’ve been arguing with people about this for days until I’m blue in the face. For the curious, my stance is: “well, you’re always saying you want freedom and democracy. This is part of freedom and democracy…”
That said, Let me argue the other side by taking some common misconceptions:
1. Don’t these idiots understand that the government has nothing to do with this?
No. They don’t. And they’re not stupid for not getting that fact. Most of these people live in (or have lived in until very recently) authoritarian societies with close ties to the US. There are (as they say here in Jordan) “red lines” that are strictly enforced. At the moment, Jordan is experiencing a series of acts of civil disobedience that consist of the following: protesters convene peaceful assembly. Designated people raise up posters criticizing the king or chant a slogan criticizing him. The police then arrest these people and charge them with crimes carrying a sentence of up to ten years in jail.
As for the ability to control the production and dissemination of content, I’ll stick with Jordan since it’s what I know best: the government is currently debating a new law to regulate the internet the way other media in the country is regulated which would, among other things, require websites to register with the government, save logs of all activity for six months and hold them responsible for all content including comments. So I think it’s fair to excuse people for refusing to believe that America (the chief patron of their own government) is incapable of exercising the degree of control over free speech that they’re accustomed to.
2. Ok. But why are they so mad?
Well, first we need to separate the people who are looking for an excuse to fuck shit up (soccer hooligans, Salafist political currents being shut out of government and looking to make things difficult for the moderates) from those who are just angry–most of whom just stew about it at home or at most complain on facebook and twitter.
Having done that, you have to look at the power differential. If you’re already in a weak position, being demonized by people you perceive as more powerful than you hurts a lot more. Large swaths of the Muslim world are and have been for a while under more or less direct military, economic and cultural occupation. People feel this intensely and attempts to demonize and “other” Muslims are seen as (and probably are) directly tied to the willingness of western powers to accept a certain number of Muslim deaths as “collateral damage.” It’s the same reason a lot of blacks tend to get upset about racist jokes and a lot of women tend to get upset about rape jokes.
Interesting reading. Thanks!
Well said!
I wish this story was true
The Prophet Muhammad on an episode of South Park from the third episode of the fifth season called ‘Super Best Friends’. Watch it here.
out upon you ,really .
Only thing you can do is to open your big mouth and throw away any bullshits come from.
I’m really sorry for you because of your wolf adjectives.
when you know nothing of our religion you can do these:
1)go an search about it then you will get sth you call it as your own religion is a thing some body used
to make you busy and be sink in dirty dids.
2)or you can sssssssssshot your big mouth.
when the world is full of unlogical people I don’t wander you tell that
why the west like too speak about prophet muhamod this way is not good they should stop it
You dumb and ignorant fool.
It’s not the West… or the government that talks shit about your precious prophet Muhammad. It’s just random people. It’s called freedom of speech. IT APPLIES TO EVERYTHING. NOTHING IS OFF LIMITS. AND THAT IS WHAT MAKES AMERICA GREAT! FREE SPEECH! I CAN MAKE FUN OF ANYTHING YOU’RE ABOUT JUST LIKE YOU CAN MAKE FUN OF ANYTHING I’M ABOUT… and not get killed for it. It has nothing to do about your stupid prophet. Stop getting so butthurt about Muhammad and no one would ever say anything. YOU bring this upon yourself, you insensitive twat.
You obviously don’t know in which conditions these people grew up in. If the US was bombarding my country and killing dozens of innocents civilians each day, I would be mad as hell even if they didn’t touch my religion. I do agree that all that all the violence there is wrong, but you are ignorant because you wont realize that the US is a part of the problem.
Also, kinda funny how you believe that you have any freedom of speech.
I love the Koran and praise my new black woman prophet
Never say what u dnt know of the prophet of allah.remenber d last day
Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, the leader of all the Prophets and the final Prophet sent by Allah for the whole of humanity till the end of time.
He is referred to as the most beloved of Allah in the Holy Quran.
juss have a dare and read the quran.. n then say something abt our beloved prophet.. all the things are clearly written on quran.. even watss going to happen such kind of people.. “this is for the author who wrote this”