Archives for October 2013

Analysts Forecast Drop In Holiday Spending As More Families Rely On Presents From Santa Claus

Times are tight for most families. It seems everyone is struggling in one way or another just to get by. So here is a helpful tool to save a little hard-earned scratch this upcoming Christmas; Santa Claus! More and more parents are relying on the fat man in red than ever before. So go on, wish for the stars!*

family guy
“I gave Santa and the whole Christmas experience last year two thumbs down. He didn’t bring my family even one present. We wrote letters to him all year long explaining in complete detail what we wanted. We sang songs, put cookies out, the whole works! This year better be good or he can expect a pretty negative review on Yelp.”

– Dave Besner
Los Angeles, CA

Isn’t there a song about him watching us all the time? Is he watching me right now? Does he know I’m doing this interview?!!”

– Emily Erickson
Phoenix, AZ

“Last year he didn’t even take the time to put coal in our stockings. If Santa would just tell me what the problem is I could fix it. Is it the wife? Is it my soulless ginger of a kid? Just say the word and they’re gone.”

– Gene Tombler
Apple Valley, MN

* Terms and conditions may apply. Santa Claus does not exist.

Obama Dines With Kansas Waiter Who Received Anti-Gay Message And No Tip

Obama visits the Kansas waiter who received no tip and an anti-gay message

Carrabba’s Italian Grill where President Obama met with the waiter who received an anti-gay message and no tip last week.

Overland Park, Kansas — President Obama made a surprise visit to a Kansas restaurant where he spoke with a waiter who made national headlines last week for receiving an anti-gay message and no gratuity from a couple that he had waited on.

It all began last week when a man and a woman dined at Carrabba’s Italian Grill in Overland Park, Kansas. When the couple left the 20-year-old server returned to his table to find a derogatory message scrawled on the back of the receipt.

The note read:

Thank you for your service, it was excellent. That being said, we cannot in good conscience tip you, for your homosexual lifestyle is an affront to god. Q**ers do not share in the wealth of god, and you will not share in ours. We hope you will see the tip your f** choices made you lose out on, and plan accordingly. It is never too late for god’s love, but none shall be spared for f**s. May god have mercy on you.

Obama sat at a table in the waiter’s section along with two Muslim children he had brought from a Muslim Outreach Program started by the Obama family. The three each enjoyed hamburgers, fries and sodas. The president took time for photos and to promote Obamacare. Obama asked the waiter if he had signed up at yet to which the waiter responded, “I can’t figure it out but I’ll try again soon.” The president smiled, “There has been a few hiccups with the Obamacare website but we are working on it night and day. It is extremely important that each and every young person in this country receives affordable healthcare.”

Obama and the children finished their meal, shook hands with the waiter and then left a tip.

Since the event occurred last week, the local community has rallied its support behind the waiter. Friends have taken to social media to spread the word about what happened, and have vowed to go to the restaurant as a sign of support.

“It’s honestly despicable. I mean, it’s in my mind, no different than saying ‘sorry I’m not tipping you because you’re black or you’re a Jew’ or something like that,” a local resident told KMBC 9 News.

The waiter responded last week to the incident, saying: “The offers to help pay me back are much appreciated, but not at all needed. I’d prefer to let my work ethic and my service do the talking, nothing else.”

Responding to the report, the restaurant’s franchise company, Bloomin Brands, spoke out against such derogatory behavior.

“We do not tolerate discrimination — from either our employees or our guests. We embrace diversity and believe in treating everyone with respect,” it stated in an email.

Carrabba’s Italian Grill in Overland Park, Kansas is located at 106th Street and Metcalf Avenue. Carrabba’s said the company embraces diversity, and will not tolerate discrimination from employees or guests. The manager said they were not aware of Obama’s visit until he arrived at the restaurant.


CDC Report Reveals Existence of ‘Zombies’

The CDC finds proof of zombies

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has found proof and existence of zombies.

Washington, DC — In 2012, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention jumped on the recent explosion of zombies in popular culture by launching a page dedicated to ‘zombie preparedness’, admitting that their tongue-in-cheek campaign, designed to engage new audiences in preparation for natural disasters, had become an effective platform for promoting hurricane, pandemic, earthquake, and terrorist attack awareness.

Few could have expected that their irreverent humor might have some basis in reality.

During the government shutdown, an unnamed source from the Department of Health and Human Services leaked a highly confidential report detailing an incident wherein the bodies of the recently deceased appeared to reanimate and began to attack citizens of a small town on the outskirts of Philadelphia.

Messages left at the CDC offices in Georgia were not immediately returned.

This past Thursday morning, Fox News medical contributor Dr. Manny Alvarez wrote that shows such as The Walking Dead are dumbing down American society. He muses that such shows “inspire fantasies of monsters possessed by an uncontrollable rage to kill, and viewers get a thrill imagining what it would be like to participate in this new world order.”

As it turns out, those engaging themselves in such fantasies may have enough common sense to validate their thrill-seeking attitude.

In October of 2004, reports of people described as listless, pale, and partially decomposed emerged from Newtown Square, Pennsylvania. The incursion appears to have taken place during a marching band competition at Thomas Massey High School. Though the document, termed the Undeath Syndrome Surveillance and Diagnosis report, details an incursion that swept the Delaware County area, no local or national news stations can corroborate the account.

However, details emerging from the report go so far as to describe the medical condition of the ‘undead’ while providing a primer for the expected reanimation time of those attacked and bitten by those referred to as ‘specimens’. The report also features a section called the ‘Specimen Brain Trauma Impact Index’, which details the most effective method of eliminating those afflicted by Undeath Syndrome.

As if the report couldn’t be more terrifying, there is a precedent available elsewhere.

In 2005, a BBC News story which has since been removed from the site (but has been archived here), recounted recently deceased Quan’sul residents returning to life as a result of a new strain of Malaria. Apparently, the Cambodian government quietly dealt with the matter, and no further stories surfaced.

The concept that the recent dead could return to life isn’t an old one, and though it may have received popular credence thanks to The Walking Dead and World War Z, the revelations of this CDC report are too potent to ignore.


10 Reasons Why ObamaCare Will Destroy The Country

Facts about ObamaCare that everyone needs to know

Repeal ObamaCare before it destroys America.

The information being provided by the Obama administration about ObamaCare is not just confusing but is dead wrong. As a true American we must come together and stand up for our civil liberties. It is our job as Americans to inform others about the facts behind this corrupt health care system. When it comes to the well being of Americans, there is no room for opinions and rhetoric.

Here are 10 reasons why ObamaCare will destroy the country:

1) ObamaCare cuts income and jobs
According to CNN, ObamaCare has already put 4.2 million Americans out of work and turned 29 million full-time employees into part-time employees. How many more jobs and hours need to be cut before the rest of America wakes up?

2) Undocumented immigrants and Muslims get free insurance
This is already creating problems in states that are along the Mexico–United States border. Governor Jan Brewer from Arizona told MSNBC last week, “The #1 problem in our state right now is ObamaCare. The reason we have so many Mexicans and Muslims running rampant is because they are getting free healthcare. I would want to come to this great country of ours too if I was getting free health care. ObamaCare must be stopped before it bankrupts America.”

3) ObamaCare kills people
Michele Bachmann said it best, “Let’s repeal this failure before it literally kills women, kills children, kills senior citizens. Let’s not do that. Let’s love people. Let’s care about people. Let’s repeal it now while we can.”

4) The 2.3% Medical Excise Tax applies to sporting goods and fishing supplies
The medical excise tax applies to non-medical items such as archery and sport fishing equipment, tires, coal, and “gas guzzling” automobiles. The 2.3% Medical Excise Tax that began on January 1st is supposed to be “hidden” from the consumer, but it’s been brought to the public’s attention by hunting and fishing store Cabela’s who have refused to hide it and are showing it as a separate line item tax on their receipts.

5) The government will be picking your doctors
According to H.R. 3200 (ObamaCare), “The Government will select the doctor of the individual being provided health care no matter what other conditions may apply.” That is not capitalism or even socialism, that is a dictatorship.

6) ObamaCare is the largest tax hike in American history
A July 2010 article by FactCheck concluded that “as measured by the rather useless yardstick of raw dollars, with no adjustment for inflation,” the Affordable Care Act will be the largest tax hike in U.S. history. At $76.8 billion in 2014, the law would be the largest one-year tax increase in raw dollars since 1968.

7) Senior’s insurance will change
Grandma and grandpa will have little to no care according to recent reports. Euthanasia and death panels will become an everyday happening. Say goodbye to anyone over the age of 50 before it’s too late.

8) Your privacy is not intact
The ObamaCare website,, which cost tax payers $634,000,000, does not use HIPPA. The site allows companies and individuals to use your information without your consent. This is not the dream envisioned by the founding fathers.

9) Premiums will go up
According to the Congressional Budget Office, premiums will increase at least 26%. Each state is different but in CA, MD & NY, to name three, premiums will increase between 30 & 50%.

10) ObamaCare is socialism
We can all see the terrible job the government schools are doing with educating our children. We do not want the same lousy system running our health care. Everything the government does costs four times more and provides less service than a private company could do. As a god fearing, country loving, pro-gun, American patriot it is your job to learn the  FACTS about ObamaCare. Educate others before it is too late!

Argentinian Man Masturbates 83 Times In 24 Hour Period – New World Record

World record for masturbating

Crowds gather and celebrate in the city of La Falda as a new record for masturbation has been achieved.

La Falda, Argentina — Residents of a small town in Argentina are celebrating today as one of their own citizens has become the new record holder in the field of masturbation. From 8pm Thursday evening until 8pm Friday night, 22-year-old Hugo Lopez from the city of La Falda masturbated a total of 83 times. This new feat breaks the previous record set by a Thailand man last year.

Lopez spoke to CNN about achieving the new record. “Growing up I practiced all the time and took it very seriously. I knew one day my hard work would pay off.”

“Growing up he would never leave his room,” Lopez’s mom Evita told reporters. “He would just stay in his room and masturbate. We knew one day all that practice would pay off for him. Hugo has made all his friends and family so proud.”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now does not agree that masturbation should be celebrated. “Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape. It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease,” Childs said. “Kids these days want to break records. They want to see how many Rubik’s cubes can be solved or how many times they can masturbate. It makes me so sick. What they need is a good visit from Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, that would clear things up.” Childs continued, “God willing, one day masturbation will be illegal.”

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and STOP Masturbation NOW are nonprofit organizations paid for by the Monsanto Company. Their main focus is educating children about the dangerous consequences of masturbation and the benefits of genetically modified foods. The previous masturbation record of 61 times in a 24-hour period was achieved by Santi Amranand of Pattaya, Thailand June 16th – June 17th of last year.

Obama Uses Own Money To Open Muslim Museum Amid Government Shutdown

Obama uses own money to open the International Museum of Muslim Cultures in Jackson, Mississippi

The International Museum of Muslim Cultures in Jackson, Mississippi.

Washington, DC — While up to 800,000 federal workers faced life without a paycheck as Day One of the government shutdown kicked in, President Barack Obama held a press conference to announce that he is using his own money to open the federally funded International Museum of Muslim Cultures.

“During this shutdown, people will have to deal with some of their favorite parks and museums being closed,” Obama told reporters. “Just keep in mind, they will always be there. The Grand Canyon and the Smithsonian are not going anywhere.” Obama continued, “The International Museum of Muslim Cultures is sacred. That is why I have taken it upon myself to use my own personal funds to re-open this historic piece of American culture.”

The International Museum of Muslim Cultures closed its doors Tuesday as parts of the federal government shut down after Congress failed to reach an agreement on spending. On Monday, the Senate rejected the latest budget proposal from the House of Representatives. The fiscal standoff stems in large part from Republican attempts to block President Obama’s healthcare initiative.

“The Muslim community deserves our full acceptance and respect,” Obama said. “We have killed millions of Muslims overseas since the September 11th attacks. They are not all bad. In fact most of them are good. So during this shutdown, now is a great time to learn about the faith of Islam. I encourage all of you to celebrate the Muslim community, the ‘Sunnah’ and the magic of the ‘Quran’. All of this can be found at the newly re-opened International Museum of Muslim Cultures.”

Khaled Matei who is a member of the Muslim Brotherhood‘s Freedom and Justice Party told CNN he is pleased with Obama and his actions. “I spoke with President Obama by telephone yesterday and personally thanked him for what he is doing for the Muslim community,” Matei said. “This is definitely a step in the right direction I explained to him. Praise Allah.”

Obama finished the press conference explaining to reporters how thrilled he is to see the museum open again. “Folks, this is a time to focus on things that are important to us in America. Sure, we would all like to see the government open, it just is not that simple. What is simple is me funding the  International Museum of Muslim Cultures so that it can stay open during this horrible time in our nation’s history, all thanks to the echo chamber which is called the Tea Party.”

The International Museum of Muslim Cultures is located at 201 E Pascagoula Street in Jackson, Mississippi. It is open Tuesday – Friday from 10:00 am – 5:00 pm. The museum is closed Friday from 1:00 pm – 3:00 pm in observance of the Jumah Prayer.