The Ass Press
Posted: 06/10/2012 5:35:14 AM PDT
Austin, TX — A new drug called 5HE is putting American teens in the hospital at alarming rates. The recent incident happened Friday to three students at the Jonestown High School in Austin, Texas.
All three students were rushed to Jonestown Memorial Hospital. Doctors say all three of them will recover but it was an extremely close call. Emergency room staff there say they have seen an increase in cases linked to 5HE or what is sometimes referred to by police as “the new LSD”.
Authorities told reporters the drug is taken orally and produces extreme euphoria and hallucinations. “The teenagers are buying large amounts of the energy drink commonly known as 5-Hour Energy,” said Police Captain Eric Roberts. “They drink five or more of these bottles at a time and because there’s only 24 hours in a day, it becomes too much energy for their bodies to handle.” Roberts continued, “Three students from Friday’s incident each had about 40 hours of energy in them, 16 hours more energy than what is actually possible in a 24 hour day.”
AJ Smith, a 12th grader at the school, said he’s tried using 5HE and told reporters about his experience. “One day after school I was hanging out at a friend’s house. They had a whole case of 5HE. So I opened five of them and drank them all at once. Soon I blasted off somewhere else. My soul was tasting and hearing colors. I was swimming in love. There were these beings of light telling me that everything was going to be alright and that I shouldn’t fall into amazement. They told me that there is nothing to ever be afraid of and that life is all just a ride. There was no time or space. I could have been there for a billion years or one minute. Yeah, it’s pretty awesome.”
Not so awesome for Meagan Graff though, who was one of the three students who overdosed from 5HE on Friday. Friends say she drank eight 5-Hour Energy drinks. “That equals 40 hours of energy. There is just not enough hours in the day,” sobs Becky Winters, a long time friend of the girl.
The Chief of Police in Austin, Paul Horner, believes the entire incident could easily have been prevented. “It’s just too much energy for the body to handle in a 24 hour period,” says Horner. “Some of these kids are now actually smoking 5-Hour Energy to get even more energy. The lengths that these junkies will go to never ceases to amaze me.”
Most stores in Austin have now banned the sale of 5-Hour Energy or limited purchases to two drinks or less. Dale Evans a store clerk at Fiesta Mart told reporters that with all the recent bans on 5HE he says kids have been getting pretty desperate these days to get their fix. “Sometimes we’ll see homeless people in here trying to buy 5-Hour Energy for the kids. We know what they’re up to.”
Paul Horner ended the press conference by stating to reporters, “I have a message out there for anyone selling 5-Hour Energy. If people are dying because of your LSD that you’re selling, you will be charged with murder whether you like it or not. There’s not going to be anymore funny business around here, not on my watch.”
Even though most states have now banned the sale of 5-Hour Energy, Texas is not one of them. With this recent tragedy though, Texas lawmakers say a bill is currently being drafted and should be in front of members of congress for a vote as soon as Thursday.
Dave Martin, Principle at Jonestown High School in Austin, said the school will be closed Monday and grief counselors will be available to students and families.
NOTE FROM SUPER OFFICIAL NEWS: The purpose of this story was to make light of that cannibalistic episode in Miami where idiot cops called bath salts the “new LSD”. Their purpose was to cause fear in the country… and guess what? They did. And guess what else? The guy who ate that homeless man’s face off wasn’t on bath salts, they only found marijuana in his system. Also, I had just performed stand-up comedy with a joke about 5-Hour Energy a few days before this. Plus the 5HE drug trip I describe in the story is actually about DMT (check that out). So that’s where this story derives from. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the 13 kids that have lost their lives to this energy drink.
5HE? I gotta get me some of that
HEY DAVE: TELL EVERYONE ELSE READING THIS.. THAT THIS ‘COMBO’ OF INGREDIANTS MIGHT SIMULATE “LSD25”; AND THAT IS NOT ONLY BAD…(BUT THAT THIS ‘CONTENT’ IS PUTTING PEOPLE IN ‘ER’S’)….{WHICH IS JUST ABOUT AS BAD AS OUR PENAL CODE IN CA. CONCERNING ‘LSD25’}….”ANY PERSON ADMINISTERING ‘D-LYSERGIC-ACID-DYTHALMIDE25’ IN CA. TO ANOTHER; CAN BE CONVICTED OF ‘ATTEMPTED MURDER’. HAVE A GOOD DAY…OR A COFFEE.
Every state needs to make 5 Hour Energy illegal now! These innocent deaths need to stop now!
This is so sad. My heart goes out to the friends and family
or perhaps people need to stop being stupid. 5hour energy is not the problem as I use it it is people who are misusing it.
Yeah, ban it right after Dihydrogen Monoxide… that stuff is almost everywhere and kills indiscriminantly! I guarantee your body is saturated with it RIGHT NOW.
Or maybe realize that after decades of DARE and the DEA telling kids incredulous fables about cannabis making people go insane that they will experiment with whatever they think is “safe”. Stop educating your kids to be morons and they might stop acting like morons
They’re basically doing the same thing as chugging a large cup of espresso. I’d suggest letting Darwinism take its course.
Thousands of people jump off bridges and die…do we outlaw bridges? Even more deaths are linked to guns. Are we getting rid of them anytime soon? Unless we can all stop blaming things rather than what’s actually at fault (imperfect human behavior), then we might as well be stuck in limbo. Of course if you chug 8 Five Hour Energies, that are jam packed with caffeine, then something bad’ll happen. If you hit yourself in the head with a brick it’s obviously not going to help you in anyways. Sure bricks might be useful, but if you don’t use em right then no shit they can be dangerous. Things like this, believe it or not, happen for a reason: Natural selection. In order to advance as a species, the “dumbasses” have to die off and have the “smarties” advance in life to tell their kids not to chug 8 Five Hour Energies.
If people just stuck with marijuana none of this would happen
And weed is illegal but 5 Hour Energy isn’t? WTF?
I wanna get some 5HE and blast off… swimming in love FTW!
I believe everything I read here. Didn’t you see the journalism awards?
These drugs need to be taken off the street! Our kids will never be safe!
Kids will put anything in their bodies these days just to get high. Really makes me angry. Obama needs to do something about this 5HE and fast!
This is all Obama’s fault! They need to get him out of the office now before tragedy’s like this happen
yeah cuz one guy controls all the 5HE in the world. yeesh…smarty pants
Obama’s fault? Really? Please note that this product existed before Obama was elected.
Sincerely,
A Canadian
this is just retarded. . . its not the manufacturers fault that people don’t warn their kids about the dangers of doing this kind of thing. . . the warning is clearly posted on the bottles. . . posting public reports like this one also arouse the imagination. im 28 and now i want to go out and buy a couple cases. . . but i wont. . . because i know the dangers
I agree. If these kids just did the math they would know drinking anymore than 4 bottles would just be too much energy to handle in a 24 hour day
not true – they’d still be fine if they drank 4.8 bottles
We need to also make swimming pools illegal. They are dangerous and people need to be told what is safe and not safe.
Maybe we need robots to make our decisions for us.
The Austin Police Chief is Paul Horner… he’s a good dude
You changed my statement. Art Acevedo is the police chief of Austin.
What is America coming to? How tragic
Damn kids these days.
I don’t know what is funnier, the article or that I have a small penis
U and I are probably the only sane ones who’ve even noticed
This is so messed up! How can Obama let this happen??!!!
The same way you can. You have about as much power to stop it singlehandedly as he does. But you already knew that. You were just being asinine.
5 Hour Energy doesn’t have any magic LSD replacement. These kids are primarily getting hit with heavy doses of caffeine, plus a bit of skin flush from niacin. Yes, caffeine can be psychedelic if you’re taking way too much of it, and it can also give you a stroke or heart attack.
As far as smoking it goes, isn’t it liquid? A few years ago, an acquaintance of mine and his druggie friends decided to try smoking caffeine, so they crunched up some caffeine pills and smoked them. You Do Not Want To Do This. It Was Not Fun. Everything bad caffeine does to you, the headaches and jitters and nausea, pretty much all happens at once.
the new LSD? No one has ever died from LSD.. LSD is awesome. this is just stupid.
oh. nm. troll website. well done, yall. well done.
Firstly… Are you f**king kidding me. I usually read news articles daily and despite reading some stupid shit, I rarely feel the need to comment. I just couldn’t hold back a response to this worthless excuse for a news story. Parents… Teach your stupid ass kids the dangers of abusing ANY kind of drug. OTC, prescription, or illegal, abusing ANY drug can have dire consequences. If I decided to take two handfulls of Tylonol (Even though the bottle CLEARLY says 1-2 pills every 4-8 hours or something similar) It could kill me. Does that mean Tylonol should be made illegal? Because a few stupid ass teenagers found out that if you take a massive amount it induces a high state. So it’s a “drug” now right. People die in car crashes should we make driving illegal? Let’s say someone discovers drinking a bottle of visine can induse hallucinations, but will probably kill you. Lets just make it illegal right?
My god… What in the f**k is wrong with this country. So let’s make this energy shot (Which works fairly well when taken in correct dosages) illegal in all states because we can’t educate our damn kids enough to know they need to follow directions on a bottle. Oh I’m so horrible… I’m not upset about the children. F**king natural selection kiddos. Police chief paul horner also sounds like a total douche. “If people are dying because of your LSD that you’re selling, you will be charged with murder whether you like it or not”. Really? Please see the previous statements. Let’s arrest everyone at a drug store because some dumb ass decided to take a whole bottle of tylenol. Get a helmet you worthless excuse for a law enforcement officer. My god it just gets me so damn fired up. Something called accountability. Let’s have a little of it ok?
back in my day we had “robo trippin”- drink a pint of robotussin and you’d be fallin thru the floor
This is THE DUMBEST thing I’ve ever heard. Shit people, everything can kill you, its up to you to not let it happen. We should make aspirin illegal because if you slam a whole bottle it could kill you. Going to the lake illegal because you could drown. We need to ban driving a car because you could die in a wreck. And of course, let us not forget alcohol. Lets just go back the days of prohibition because you know somebody is going to get alcohol poisoning or get behind the wheel. People, why are you so quick to give up your rights? Where does it end? You can’t ban 5 hour energy because some dumb teenagers were trying to get high. There’s nothing illegal in it. Sounds more like some piss poor parenting to me. These kids are just going to move on to the next thing. Whether it “bath salts” or huffing paint or drinking cough syrup or energy drinks, you just need to teach and pay better attention to your children. Of course, I guess its hard to do if you’re not apart of your child’s lives. But don’t ban a perfectly good product just because some idiots were slamming a dozen bottles at once.
5HE; cleaner for the gene pool
people are going to get high on something , simple answer is give everyone that wants to get high a safe supervised trip . the war on drugs answer is to ban everything and then everyone so inclined will find a way around the bans and make cartels rich while killing all that get in the way .
Is this some kind of joke? Drug craze? Who wrote this garbage? No, seriously. . . this is garbage. Am I the only one who read it? Half of it doesn’t even make sense. How do you measure chemical energy in hours? That’s just the name of a beverage! It’s not literally 5 hours of energy.
I fail at life. But I think I’m tryin
Ummm — energy comes from calories. You can’t just add calories and declare too many for the day. It turns into fat. You don’t get high. 5HE has sugar, caffeine, and vitamins. You can get the same amount of calories from eating pizza, ice cream, or lots of salad. Anyone ever hear of a lentil high? There’s something else going on here. Maybe its the caffeine or vitamin B12 overdose?
Ok, I’m an idiot. You guys got me. I have since read more of your stories and now I get it. Funny stuff! I’m gonna go wipe the egg off my face now but before I do, I’d just like to blame Obama too!
What you guys use for brains down there?
That is some fine psychopharmacology by the way
Did he died?
This article is hysterical you almost had me. Great quotes from the kids “theres just not enough hours in the day!” Burst out laughing at work, good stuff guys.
Does this mean that Clint Boyer may lose his primary NASCAR sponsorship now or just that he cannot race at Texas Motor Speedway? Oh well… Never seems to help him much anyway.
5HE gives me a stomach ache w even one bottle and it tastes like crap. I’ll stick to Monster and NOS. And if I’m going to get high then ill continue to recreationally abuse the drugs ive already done.
Just have some coffee, or go workout- stop relying on artificial crap to give you artificial energy.
This sounds awesome. To all the people freaking out saying this needs to be banned need to quit crying. Just look at it this way, people won’t put themselves at risk if actual drugs are legalized, such as marijuana or LSD. Drug use/abuse is going to continue to be a problem, but many people cannot accept this. It’s time for all you old people to give up on your idea of a “perfect” society. And also, this really isn’t that big of a deal, nobody died right? Hahaha I feel like this story was made up.
Stick to the beer and black and milds kids
Weed.
I take 5HE when I have to study and I am just fine, they are great when you don’t misuse them…