Archives for February 2013

Disney Announces Details Of Star Wars: Episode VII

Jar Jar Binks returns for Star Wars: Episode VII

Jar Jar Binks will return in the highly anticipated Star Wars: Episode VII

Hollywood, CA — Disney held a press conference today to give some insight into what fans can expect from Episode VII of the upcoming Star Wars sequel trilogy.

Paul Horner who is a spokesman for Disney talked briefly with reporters this morning to explain what lies in store for fans. “I can’t go into much detail but I did want to quickly go over some of the main plot points for Episode VII,” Horner said. “As you may remember Jar Jar Binks first appears in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace as a bumbling yet lovable Gungan from the planet Naboo. He was banished by his tribe because of his clumsiness.” Horner continued, “Episode VII will be a prequel that revolves around Jar Jar Binks and his life on Naboo before his banishment. We’ll be able to see all the crazy antics and wild adventures that he got into. Then the movie will end where Episode I picks up with Qui-Gon and his padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi persuading Jar Jar’s tribe to release him into their custody as a guide.”

Kyle Brock said he is excited to hear that Episode VII will focus around the story and history of Jar Jar Binks. “He’s the funniest, most lovable character in all of the Star Wars episodes combined,” Brock said. “Some people didn’t care for Jar Jar Binks in Episodes I through Episode III, but the internet extends outside of their opinion,” Brock continued, “You know why George Lucas made Jar Jar Binks? Because no one was there to tell him it sucked and if they did he didn’t listen. Ideas are not babies, you don’t need to nurture each one. They’re like your breath, sometimes it stinks but your nose is too close to the problem to have the perspective it needs. Disney, just like Lucas, is not listening to the naysayers once again and because of that, Episode VII will be the best Star Wars Episode so far. I can’t wait!”

Horner ended the press conference explaining to reporters that fans can expect more laughs and shenanigan from Jar Jar Binks than ever before. “We have better technology now, so the animation of Jar Jar will be amazing. Expect new hilarious quotes from Jar Jar and we’re even bringing back some of his classic lines such as, ‘Yipe! How wude!’, and who could forget, ‘Ooh mooey mooey I love you!’. Star Wars fans are in for a real treat in 2015.”

Star Wars: Episode VII is an upcoming movie from Lucasfilm Ltd. scheduled to be released by Walt Disney Pictures in July of 2015.


Woman Kills Five People For Not Accepting Her Friend Requests On Facebook

Woman kills five for not accepting her friend requests on Facebook

Lashawndra Harris killed five people when they did not accept her friend request on Facebook.

DeQuincy, LA — Lashawndra Harris from DeQuincy, Louisiana was arrested and charged today in connection with five murders. Harris had been dubbed by police as the ‘Facebook Friend Request Killer’ because at the scene of every murder a card was left on the victim’s body that showed the Facebook logo along with the section of the site where you can accept or deny an individual’s friend request.

Detective Paul Horner with the DeQuincy Police Department explained how Harris was finally apprehended. “She is probably the worst serial killer in the history of serial killers. At every murder scene she would leave a ‘calling card’ on the bodies with scribbled words written on each one such as, ‘Maybe next time you’ll be my friend on Facebook motherf*cker’, or ‘Who’s got more friends on Facebook now b*tch!’,” Horner said. “All of the people that were murdered lived in the same apartment building or were people that knew Harris personally. We then found a Facebook account belonging to Ms. Harris. In her ‘about’ section she specifically wrote the words, ‘If you don’t accept my friend request I will kill you’,” Horner continued, “She also said in her profile, ‘If we’re friends on Facebook, we cool. If you don’t want to be friends with me on Facebook, we have a problem’. So yeah, we knew we had the right person.”

Leron Jenkins who was a neighbor of Harris said he was approached by her just days before the arrest. “I didn’t like her, she was scary. She told me that if I didn’t accept her friend request on Facebook she would literally cut my balls off. So, long story short, I accepted her friend request.”

“When we raided her house today we found Ms. Harris at her computer on Facebook sending out more friend requests,” Horner said. “It’s a good thing we caught her before more people could deny her friend request.”

If anyone has any information about Lashawndra Harris police are urging you to call (785) 273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.


Not Lashawndra Harris but actually a Michelle Allen

Not Lashawndra Harris but actually a mugshot of Michelle Allen.

[Updated at 03-17-13 | 8:05 PM PDT] The Super Official Action News Team has just received word that the woman in the above mugshot is not Lashawndra Harris but actually a Michelle Allen.

At Super Official News we pride ourselves on the integrity and quality of our journalistic reporting. We sincerely apologize for any misunderstanding this may have caused. As of this moment we are still trying to locate the actual mugshot of Lashawndra Harris.

As for Michelle Allen, Ohio Police say she had threatened police and urinated on a neighbor’s front porch.

Police say Allen was arrested for causing traffic problems, chasing kids in her neighborhood and not complying with police when they told her to return home. The police report stated officials could smell alcohol on her breath and her words were slurred.

Allen pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct and was sentenced to a month in jail.

Major Mark Hoffman, with Middletown, Ohio Police says while Allen was in court, she challenged people to “suck her udders.” No information has been released as to why she was wearing the cow costume.

Allen has been arrested over 50 times on charges ranging from theft to prostitution.


Christopher Walken Confesses To Being The Culprit Behind The Banksy Arrest Hoax

Christopher Walken Confesses To Being The Culprit Behind The Banksy Arrest Hoax On Friday

Christopher Walken seen here from his ‘More cowbell’ sketch from SNL admits to being the one behind the Banksy arrest hoax.

Hollywood, CA — Actor Christopher Walken held a press conference for reporters today at his home in Wilton, Connecticut to reveal that he was in fact the one behind the Banksy arrest hoax that fooled the internet on Friday. The hoax was in the form of a press release reportedly stating that graffiti artist Banksy had been arrested by police in London and that his identity had been revealed. The press release was quickly discovered to be a hoax but not before the story had already been picked up by major news sources and had spread throughout popular social networking websites such as Twitter and Facebook.

“I just want to say, I’m sorry and I didn’t mean to ruin anyone’s day. I love Banksy. I actually have a few pieces of his artwork in my own private collection,” Walken told reporters. “The story I wrote… it was just for fun, just for a few laughs, and that’s all. That press release site, PRlog, they let you post anything you want, for free. I could write about your mom, having sexual intercourse, with multiple partners, for money. I could write about aliens, scary ones, possibly erotic ones. Anything you want to write about, and they will post it. From stories about jaguars lurking in the jungle at night to questionable boating mishaps, whatever, and they will post it.”

34-year-old Paul Horner from Phoenix, Arizona told reporters he did not appreciate Walken’s hoax. “The name of the person he used as Banksy’s true identity was Paul Horner. Well, that’s my name,” Horner said. “I must have gotten at least a hundred phone calls yesterday asking me if I was actually Banksy or if I was locked up in some jail in London,” Horner said. “I love Christopher Walken, but this time he’s just gone too far.”

Walken went on to tell reporters his favorite part of the hoax. “After my story went huge, all around the internet, I found some amusing things happening. The Business Insider actually made a phone call to London’s Metropolitan Police asking if Banksy was being held there in a jail cell. That made me laugh,” Walken said. “I’m still a little angry with PRlog. They deleted my story, after 50,000 people or so had viewed it. I tried asking them why, and then they deleted my account. That’s not a good way to do business if you were to ask me.”

Walken says he has no plans for any future press releases at this time but does admit he likes the idea of “fooling the internet” and might pursue it more often down the road.


Banksy Arrested In London, Identity Revealed

Banksy arrested and identity revealed

London Police Chief Wayne Leppard speaking to reporters about the arrest of Banksy.

London, England — The England-based graffiti artist, political activist, film director, and painter that for years has gone by the pseudonymous name of Banksy, was arrested early this morning by police in London. After hours of questioning and a raid of his London art studio, his true name and identity have finally been revealed.

The City of London Police say Banksy’s real name is Paul William Horner, a 39-year old male born in Bristol, England. The BBC has also confirmed this information with his PR agent Jo Brooks and the website that acts as a handling service on behalf of the artist, Pest Control.

London Police Chief Wayne Leppard held a press conference to answer questions about how Banksy was finally apprehended. “We had a 24-hour Anti-Graffiti Task Force monitoring different groups known to have associated with Banksy. We received word that around 2am a group of individuals left a flat speculated to be one of Banky’s art studios. This group was followed by agents and once vandalism had occurred, we then arrested the group, 5 men total. These individuals all had ID on them except for one, and that is the one we believed to be Banksy,” Leppard said. “We then raided the studio where this group was last seen leaving from. Inside we found thousands of dollars of counterfeit money along with future projects of vandalism. We also found a passport and ID of a Paul William Horner who matched the description of the man that we are currently holding.” Leppard continued, “Horner is currently being held without bail on charges of vandalism, conspiracy, racketeering and counterfeiting. We are also holding the other four individuals whose names we are not releasing at this time.”

After today’s arrest it is unclear who else will be sought in connection with Banksy’s arrest. CNN spoke with Kyle Brock who is a project manager for Banksy says he is now worried that charges could be brought against him also. “If they spent this many man-hours and brought this many charges against Banksy, I can’t imagine that he’ll be the only one to go down in all of this,” Brock said. “All the beauty Paul Horner brought to this world, and the London Police can only see it as vandalism. It’s such a shame.”

The graffiti artist that goes by the name Space Invader told reporters he does not agree with the arrest or outing of Banksy’s identity. “He’s just doing art. That’s what he was doing and that’s what he’ll continue to do,” Invader said. “For the London Police to setup some 24-hour task force just to catch Banksy is ridiculous. I hope we hear plenty of noise from the good tax-paying citizens of London about this.”

Banksy’s identity was long speculated to be Robin Gunningham, a man born in Bristol, England in 1973. Known for his contempt for the government in labeling graffiti as vandalism, Banksy displays his art on public walls and even going as far as to build physical prop pieces. He does not sell his work directly; however, art auctioneers have been known to attempt to sell his street art on location and leave the problem of its removal in the hands of the winning bidder.

As soon as news of the arrest was made, the City of London Police say they began receiving dozens of phone calls from people either claiming to be Banksy, or claiming to be with him. As of 6 PM London time, hundreds of people were gathered outside the London Police Department chanting “I’m Banksy!” and holding signs demanding his release. Various local news stations have reported witnessing the crowd parting for a blind woman who attempted to turn herself into authorities claiming that she was in fact the real Banksy.

London Police say they are not releasing any pictures of Horner or any further information at this time.


I am Banksy! Help the cause! Get “I’m Banksy!” decoy hoodies, shirts, stickers, and more, click here!

[Updated 02-24-13] Banksy’s arrest in London has been outed as a hoax perpetrated by none other than actor Christopher Walken, click here.

Vatican Announces New Pope Three Weeks Early

Pope Benedict XVI addressed an emotional crowd of well-wishers from around the world at St. Peter's Square today, where he he announced news of the newly elected pontiff.

Pope Benedict XVI addressed an emotional crowd of well-wishers from around the world at St. Peter’s Square today, where he announced news of the newly elected pontiff.

VATICAN CITY (AP) — In a shocking move that has stunned the world, the College of Cardinals have announced their newly elected pontiff more than three weeks earlier than expected and that decision is already being highly debated. The Vatican raised the possibility Saturday that the conclave to elect the next pope might start sooner than March 15th and with today’s announcement have confirmed that information.

Vatican spokesman Rev. Federico Lombardi told reporters that is was not an easy decision but putting a fresh face as the new pontiff was necessary. “The papal conclave to elect a successor was a difficult challenge. With outcries of sexual abuse around the world, the College of Cardinals felt the need for a new face, someone outside of these scandals. This would not only benefit the Vatican but help improve the image of the Catholic Church,” Lombardi said. “So without further ado, we are proud to announce Paul Horner from the Horner Consulting Group as the new Catholic pontiff. Horner has worked as a religious consultant for more than 34 years and will be a great asset to the new direction of the Catholic Church.” Lomardi continued, “Pope Benedict XVI will be stepping down February 28th as Pope Horner I will be taking over shortly thereafter.”

Joyce Barth who works for the Press Office of the Holy See applauds the selection of Horner as the new pontiff. “Putting an outside consultant as the new pope is a very wise decision. Horner will be able to come into this job fresh and unattached to any scandals associated with the Catholic Church,” Barth said. “We’re praying he can fix the tarnished image of this religion and restore it to its mighty glory that it once was.”

Pope Benedict XVI addressed an emotional crowd of well-wishers from around the world at St. Peter’s Square today, where he announced news of the newly elected pontiff. The pope’s voice was strong and clear as he looked over the square packed with at least 100,000 followers, whom he addressed in Italian, English, French, German, Polish and Spanish. He asked the faithful to “continue praying for me and for the new pope.” He also thanked the faithful for their “affection and spiritual closeness.”

Terry Parr who was assigned by the Vatican to drive Horner to Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport, where he then took a private jet to the Vatican City in Rome, said it was an exciting experience. “Yesterday our company Purple Star Limousines received a phone call requesting that we drive the new pope to the airport. At first we thought it was a prank, but after confirmation we were more than happy to help,” Parr told reporters. “I spoke with Horner briefly during the drive. He told me he was immediately doing away with the hats and odd attire normally worn by the pope and instead will be business casual. He also said he wanted to sell the Vatican and move into smaller accommodations. He explained that was just a money pit and the funds used from the sale could feed all the starving children of the world ten times over. Horner seems like a very friendly, down-to-earth individual and I think he’ll do a lot to help the Catholic Church.” Parr continued, “He had an entourage of security with him and even a gentleman by the name of Ronald Hudkins who is writing a book about this whole ordeal. To be honest, my wife and I are still overwhelmed by the whole thing. It’s like I was driving the Popemobile for a little while there. It was quite the experience.”

On February 11th Benedict XVI announced his intention to resign the papacy effective the 28th of February. Benedict XVI will be the first pope to resign in almost six centuries; the most recent pope to resign was Gregory XII in 1415. Benedict XVI will continue to live in the Vatican after he steps down on the 28th. His decision to live in the Vatican after he resigns will provide him with the security and privacy he feels is necessary. It will also offer legal protection from any attempt to prosecute him in connection with sexual abuse cases around the world, Church sources and legal experts say.

5 Helpful Tips To Improve Your Dining Experience

5 Helpful Tips To Improve Your Dining ExperienceA year ago I received a $25,000 grant from the government to do a study on dining etiquette. I traveled around the world visiting various restaurants & eateries, talking with waiters and waitresses, learning the secrets to getting the best service possible. So after one year of extensive research and study, I have put together a list of five simple tips to make sure your next dining experience is absolutely magical

1. ALWAYS snap your fingers at the server
This makes the server feel needed and will guarantee that you get your order as fast as possible. The more snapping, the faster the service will be.

2. Bring as many children with you as possible
While dining out it is important to let your server know that they are a part of your family. If the server’s name is Dave, have the children call him ‘Uncle Dave’.

A crying infant at the table is always a good idea. A good server will know exactly how to help, thus making him or her feel important. This will also reassure them that they are truly a part of your family.

As for budgeting, one plate of food can usually feed 10-15 children. Make sure you request a small plate for each child so they can still have their own individual meal. A glass for each child is a good idea too since I recommend 8-9 large pitchers of water. Enough to bathe in if at all possible. This will keep your expenses down and make for a fun bonding experience.

3. Leave pamphlets about Jesus Christ
A good server will always appreciate your attempts to save their soul from eternal hell-fire and damnation. Also it is important to note that most servers rarely leave the restaurant that they work at. Any information about the outside world is always much appreciated.

4. Do not leave a tip
This is a common mistake that most people make. Leaving a tip for your server is a big turn off and will appear clingy. Remember, you have already attempted to save their soul. There is no reason to include monetary gratuities on top of that.

When paying your bill, split the check up as many ways as possible. Make sure each person has at least 3 or 4 seperate checks consisting of payments for cash, credit card and whatever else you think your server will find fun and exciting. I personally recommend rare ‘Wooden Bills’ used in post-war Germany. Also ask your server if they are open to the idea to trade or barter. Maybe your pair of new Nikes will pay for dinner? You never know until you ask.

5. Leave your table as messy as possible
If you have done the correct thing and ordered all your food on the side, there should be a lot of plates. Remember to hide the used napkins in and around the table; make a game out of it.  Use every condiment available to you to create a painting on the table; get creative! Everyone loves art and so will your server. Just remember, by doing all of this, it will give your server more time to meditate and collect his or her thoughts while clearing the masterpiece that you have left behind.

By following these five simple tips you are guaranteed to have the most enjoyable dining experience of your life! You’re welcome!

Paul Horner
Super Official Action News Team

Super Official Action News Team

Fun fact: I did standup comedy using this material. Enjoy!

Obama Announces New Guns Or Drones Program

President Obama explaining the Guns or Drones program

President Obama explaining the new ‘Guns or Drones’ program that takes effect March 1st.

Washington, DC — President Obama held a press conference today to announce his new Guns or Drones program. The program was implemented so that gun owners who possess any of the guns under Feinstein’s Legislation are closely monitored 24/7 by military drones. This comes as shocking news since most of the nation is still in a heated debate about gun control and the idea of drones killing American citizens.

Obama explained why the new Guns or Drones program is necessary and how it will benefit society. “Folks, the guns listed under Feinstein’s Legislation are dangerous weapons. There is no reason any non-military personnel should have these types of weapons on their person,” Obama said. “This is not about the second amendment or limiting an individual’s personal freedom. This is about keeping are streets, neighborhoods and children safe, and the Guns or Drones program will do exactly that.”

Paul Horner who is a spokesman for the Obama Administration explained further how the Guns or Drones program will work. “Any household not surrendering their soon to be illegal firearms will be put on the National Drone List or NDL. Their house will be monitored 24 hours a day, 7 days a week by military drones flying overhead. If our drone surveillance team notices any unusual activity coming from your residence, working alongside with local authorities, military action can and will be taken.”

38-year-old DeShawn Johnson from Detroit, Michigan said he does not approve of the new Guns or Drones program. “They ain’t getting my MAC-10, I can tell you that for damn sure. It’s like that Mack 10 song, Ice Cube is the lick Westside is the click, can’t get enough of this gangsta sh*t,” Johnson said. “They come up in this b*tch and try flyin’ drones over my hood and it’s R.I.P. n*gga.”

The Guns or Drones program will go into effect beginning March 1st of this year. To comply and find a location to turn in your firearm(s), the Obama Administration has setup up a 24 hour hotline to answer any of your questions: 785-273-0325.

Christopher Dorner UPDATE: Los Angeles Evacuating Everyone That Is Not A 275lb Black Man

Christopher Dorner

The truck owned by two Asian women that was shot numerous times by police who believed they were shooting at a 275lb black man.

Los Angeles, CA — To prevent police shooting more innocent people during their manhunt of Christopher Dorner, the city of Los Angeles is taking radical steps to ensure the safety of its citizens. Beginning at noon tomorrow, every man, woman and child who is not a 275lb black man is required by law to evacuate from the city. This comes after public outcry when two Asian woman and a skinny white surfer were shot by police who mistook them for a 275lb black man.

LAPD Police Chief Paul Horner held a press conference to address the mandatory evacuation that is taking place. “We are evacuating anyone living in the Los Angeles area that does not look like a 275lb black man and moving them to safer grounds where police cannot shoot them,” Horner said. “I’ve personally talked with the officers who fired at the two Asian woman believing they were actually firing at a 275lb black man. Our department is taking hair samples from both officers to test them for LSD and any other high-powered hallucinogens.”

President Obama spoke with reporters earlier today about the evacuation of Los Angeles. “Folks, desperate times call for desperate measures. At 3pm tomorrow our military will begin sending Drones over the city of Los Angeles looking to shoot down any one that matches the description of a 275lb black man,” Obama said. “These are beta version Drones so they could confuse such things as a fire hydrant with a 275lb black man. I think it’s safe to say, the best idea is just to leave Los Angeles all together until Dorner is found and killed.”

There is currently a one million dollar reward being offered for information leading to the arrest of Dorner. He is described as a 275lb black man. Anyone who knows of his whereabouts are urged to call: 785-273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.

Disney Announces Plans For 26,000 Star Wars Movies In The Next 5 Years

Darth Vader and Disney have teamed up

Seen here is a promotional photo for Disney’s ‘Darth Vader Heads West’, scheduled for release next week.

Hollywood, CA — Fanboys around the world are celebrating as Disney has just announced plans for an additional 26,000 Star Wars movies to be released in the next 5 years. This news comes just months after Disney acquired George LucasLucasfilm Ltd. which  includes the rights to the entire Star Wars franchise.

Paul Horner who is Chairman & CEO of Disney said these are exciting times for the company. “No matter if you’re 9 or 90 years old, we have a Star Wars movie coming out just for you. Even if you don’t like Star Wars, we have a movie for that too!”

“There’s probably 100 or so of these new Star Wars movies I would like to see, but definitely not the other 25,900,” says Lucasfilm’s head animator Kyle Brock. “The problem happened when some executive over at Disney that goes by just the name ‘Paul‘, like Seal or some bullsh*t like that, heard a rumor that he wasn’t supposed to tell anybody about, but he did anyway. Now he’s trying to make up for his mistake by releasing all these thousands of crap Star Wars movies,” Brock said. “He still deserves a beat-down in my opinion because the damage has already been done. I mean, Hakuna Matata now means, may the Force be with you. What the f*ck is that all about?”

Before ending the press conference, Horner left a list of the next 6 Star Wars films coming to theaters or DVD this week:

  • Yoda & Shrek’s Great Adventure
    Yoda is Shrek’s great grandfather and attempts to show Skrek the ways of the Force while at the same time getting into wacky adventures.
  • Pinocchio: Lightsaber Of Death
    Pinocchio’s nose becomes a lightsaber and has to fight off members of the dark side.
  • Lady and the Tramp in Space
    Han Solo and Princess Leia share a meatball and get romantically involved as they fight off evil villains in different parts of the galaxy.
  • Mickey Mouse & Luke Skywalker’s Day Off
    Mickey Mouse and Luke Skywalker sit around a kitchen table, drinking tea, talking about current events and different women that they have been with throughout their lives.
  • C-3PO and Wall-E Forever
    C-3PO and Wall-E are gay lovers who live together in a one bedroom apartment in the redneck town of DeQuincy, Louisiana. It is a touching story about two gay robots and their struggles with society to accept them for who they are.
  • Jedi Computer Skills
    A 3 hour long documentary about turning off your computer, leaving your parents basement and talking to the opposite sex, just like a real Jedi would do.

Brock told reporters he does not approve of Disney’s buyout of Lucasfilm. “Disney is the definition of corporate greed, who are making as many Star Wars movies as possible, just because they can and they know they will make money, regardless if it tarnishes the Star Wars brand forever,” Brock said. “And what happens after five years when the first 26,000 movies are released, are they just going to make another 26,000 movies? It’s just not cool George Lucas, it’s not cool at all.”

In order to make all 26,000 movies in 5 years Disney will be releasing a little over 14 films per day on average. The stock and cash transaction of Disney’s purchase of Lucasfilm totaled an estimated $4.05 billion. The deal was approved in October of last year by the Disney Board of Directors and Lucas, the sole Lucasfilm shareholder.

Is There A Heaven Or A Hell?

Is there a Heaven or a Hell?

Is there a Heaven or a Hell? If so, I say, “No one left behind!”

NOTE: This is not a press release or news of any kind. It’s just some ideas I had the other day that I thought I would share with all my Super Official Friends here.

If there IS a Heaven and there IS a Hell where supposedly “good” people go to heaven and “bad” people go to hell… Well, I just gotta say, this is totally f*cked up.

Imagine someone like myself, who I would like to think has lived a good life. I don’t cheat or steal, I help others whenever possible and I have good morals.

So there I am up in heaven, relaxing pool side by my cloud mansion with a margarita in one hand and a beautiful woman in the other while at the same time I KNOW for a fact there are people that didn’t make the cut getting into Heaven. Their punishment is eternal Hell fire, pain and damnation.

Well, I wouldn’t sit there and do nothing. There is no way, that is not the type of person I am. And anyone that wants to live in this Heaven while others are suffering for eternity… I don’t want any part of you or your Heaven. I’d be the first one to sucker punch god and then go down to Hell and try to help save as many souls as I possibly could. But hey, that’s just me.

Enjoy your margarita pool side, you self righteous evil hypocrites.

~ Paul Horner