The Ass Press
Posted: 06/26/2012 6:00:14 AM PDT
Phoenix, AZ — The controversial sheriff in Arizona, Joe Arpaio, is making headlines again. This time it’s not about arresting illegal aliens, or questioning Obama’s birth certificate but stopping a possible bath salt related zombie attack in the state. Arpaio spoke with reporters this morning about his new zombie bath salt task force called SALTS.
Arpaio said, “These zombie attacks from bath salts are becoming a huge problem, not just in Arizona but around the country. It’s impossible to tell who is on them and who isn’t, so we’re stopping and questioning everyone. Any individuals suspected of being under the influence of bath salts are being arrested and quarantined.”
Officer Paul Horner, a 15-year veteran of the Phoenix Police Department detailed with the SWAT unit, will be heading up the new SALTS Task Force. He said he’s optimistic about stopping a zombie attack from happening in Arizona. “When we make a traffic stop, even if the person is not doing anything wrong, all we need now is just a gut feeling that the person or persons is on bath salts or has already transformed into a zombie. Your civil rights don’t apply when it comes to zombie attacks.”
24-year-old Phoenix resident Brandon Adams, a survivor of the DeQuincy zombie attacks, says he doesn’t support Arpaio or this new zombie bath salt task force. “It’s just one more way they are trying to take away our freedoms. These zombies mean us no harm. They take menial, hard labor jobs for little pay that most of us wouldn’t want anyway,” Adams said. “We should be trying to make friends with the zombies, not arrest them.”
81-year-old Sun City resident Ann Hardy said she’s been doing all she can to stop a possible zombie attack. “I’ve been going around to all the stores like Bed Bath and Beyond and buying up all of their bath salts. If Obama doesn’t want to do anything to prevent a zombie attack, or put rehabs in Arizona, and hates America, I think it’s up to the citizens of this great state to do what they can.”
Obama spoke briefly to reporters in Washington about the situation in Arizona. He said he was concerned about the mental health of Arpaio and some of the residents living there. “The real problem in Arizona is there’s just not enough younger folks to out-vote all the senior citizens living there. The state is overrun with angry, delusional, old white people who spend their day watching Fox News.” Obama continued, “Thankfully there is a solution to all of this. The older folks there in Arizona, that continue to vote for Joe Arpaio year after year, keeping him in office, will eventually die.”
Any information about a possible bath salt related zombie attack in your area, please contact the SALTS Task Force hotline. As always you can remain anonymous.
- SALTS Task Force 24 Hour Hotline: (785) 273-0325
Video: The dangers of a bath salt zombie attack
I think he is a great man trying to keep our streets safe .
I agree 100%. He’s keeping the illegals out, and now stopping zombie attacks. Good for him! He has my vote!
Will eventually die…. and become bath salt zombies… I’m pretty sure Obama is a bath salt zombie himself. That’s why he’s hiding his birth certificate. It states he was born in Transylvania in 1747. This is the real reason that he and the rest of the liberal media are constantly attacking a true patriot like Arpaio. See through the bullshit people!!!
I was just ready to post this exact same thing. Well said sir!
f*cking Joe Arpaio. Most corrupt of them all
Says the zombies will be rounded up, held in quarantine and possibly sent to rehab. I demand justice!
F*CK JOE ARPAIO!
I called the SALTS Task Force 24 Hour Hotline: (785) 273-0325. Just doing what I can do. I think my neighbor is a zombie
I called the hotline. These guys are always trying to eat me out. Must be zombies
Love that video at the end lol
What is he and other people in Arizona worried about, zombies only go after things with brains.
no brains here… well, except a couple… f*ck it. Let the chaos begin!
if the bath salts are causeing thi s the police in amrica sould do anything to stop it be armed because there could be more on the way
this guy gets it… why doesn’t anyone else understand?
Round up the zombies!?! Reason with them??? They are insatiable, unreasonable killing machines! They ate my dog. I live in Kansas and yep, there are zombies here too! The ones people see are high school kids that try the stuff. They get hauled off on “drug charges” and are either lobotomized or are never heard from again. The ones that are cured and released just cause more problems. The zombies that no one ever hears about are the farm hands that get bored and start crankin’ bath salts. They wander into neighborhoods from the fields and eat people. One of them ate my golden retriever! Mr. Jimmy was so good to everyone and didn’t deserve to get eaten. He was freakin’ 40 pounds too! That zombie was just a glutton for eating my whole dog! I ran out there and tried to knock the shit out of that asshole, but he didn’t budge. I would’ve thought his ass would be down, cause I’m pretty big and he had just eaten. But he didn’t budge. The zombie’s mouth was ripped on either side and it freaked me out. I called the cops. They showed up pretty quick and shot the thing a dozen times in my neighbor’s yard and it still kept walking away. One officer put a shotgun under the back of his skull and blasted its head to pieces! I walked over cause I knew I’d have to fill out some paperwork or help out with a police report and they told me to go home. The next day, I had a brand new golden retriever tied up in my front yard. Great, more zombie bate. I’m freaked out. Anyone want a free dog?
I hate when that happens.