Archives for August 2012

Blazing Saddles The Musical Coming To Broadway

Blazing Saddles: The MusicalNew York, NY — After years of rumors, denial, speculation, and hoping, Mel Brooks and his 1974 cult classic Blazing Saddles, will finally be coming to Broadway. Blazing Saddles: The Musical, will be showing at the St. James Theatre starting in February of 2013. This is the same theater Brooks put on his smash hit musical The Producers back in 2001 that went on to run for over 2,500 performances.

Fans of Brooks, the comic genius behind movies such as Spaceballs and Young Frankenstein should enjoy his new live stage musical set in the Old West. Adapted from the original movie, the story centers around a town in the way of a railroad and a corrupt political boss that is attempting to make the town unlivable. After the sheriff of the town is killed, a black sheriff is appointed in an attempt to run off the townspeople. Instead of this working for the villain, the new sheriff quickly becomes his most formidable adversary.

Michael Spielman who is a theater critic with the New York Times said he is excited about this musical finally being made. “This will be the show to see in 2013. It’s been a long time in the making, but should definitely be worth it. With Mel Brooks behind this, you can’t go wrong.”

Teaming up with Brooks is the legendary Broadway producer “Hal” Prince. Directing is Kathleen Marshall, a three-time Tony Award winner. Blazing Saddles: The Musical stars Omar Epps (from the television show House M.D.) as the black sheriff simply known as Bart. Playing Jim, Gene Wilder’s charter from the movie, is James Naughton (two-time Tony Award Winner). Critically-acclaimed actor and three-time Tony Awards host Neil Patrick Harris will be playing the role of villain Hedley Lamarr. Other cast include Lin-Manuel Miranda (two-time Tony Award winner), Paul Horner (four-time Tony Award winner) and Kristin Chenoweth (Tony Award winner) in the role of Lili Von Shtupp.

Blazing Saddles: The Musical will begin showing February 1st, 2013. The St. James Theatre is located at 246 W. 44th Street in New York. For tickets call (785) 273-0325 or you can purchase them online.

South Park Contest: Why I Love South Park

The Ass Press
Posted: 08/27/2012 12:00:14 PM PDT

South Park contest - Why I love South ParkCulver City, CA — South Park fans around the world have one more reason to love South Park, literally. The creators of South Park, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, announced today they are launching a contest to show their appreciation to fans for all the love and support they have shown them over the years.

“It’s been an amazing 16 years of creating South Park,” says Stone. “We want to give something back to our fans because with out them, the show wouldn’t be where it is today.”

The ‘WHY I LOVE SOUTH PARK’ contest is simple says the show’s creators. Simply write 1-3 paragraphs explaining why you love South Park. On December 25th, 2013 the top 1,000 entries will win a boxed set of all 16 seasons of South Park signed personally by Matt Stone and Trey Parker. The top 3 winners will receive an all-expense paid trip to South Park Studios to watch how the show is made and to meet Stone and Parker. The organizers of the event have setup a Facebook page to post your submissions located here.

Paul Horner who is a producer at Comedy Central says he supports what Stone and Parker are doing. “This is a great way for South Park fans around the world to get together and show their love for such an amazing show. I’m excited about this event and can’t wait to see some of the submissions posted by fans.”

South Park Studios says winners will be notified via their Facebook account on December 25, 2013.


Accused Rapist Found Not Guilty Using ‘Todd Akin Defense’

The Ass Press
Posted: 08/24/2012 3:41:14 PM PDT

Todd AkinDequincy, LA — In a move that is shocking the nation today, the Honorable Judge Paul Horner of Dequincy Louisiana, reversed the guilty verdict of accused rapist Daryl James Thompson based on what the judge is calling the ‘Todd Akin Defense’. Horner said that since it was legitimate rape and that the victim actually got pregnant from Thompson, it proves the man could not have raped her. This announcement comes just days after Republican Todd Akin’s controversial comments aired on a St. Louis TV station. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down,” Akin said on Sunday.

Thompson was in court today for sentencing. This is when Horner announced he was reversing the jury’s unanamous guilty verdict from two weeks prior. Horner then dismissed all charges, apologized to Thompson for his time and then released him from custody. The decision by the judge is making headlines not just because the victim was able to positively identify her rapist but because the baby she gave birth to also matched Thompson’s DNA exactly. This is now the first accused rapist to be found not guilty using this new ‘Todd Akin Defense’.

Brandon Adams who was the State’s Prosecutor on the case said he was stunned by the judges decision and is now worried about future cases involving rape. “What Judge Horner did here today will set a precedent that can now be used in any future and past rape cases. Any rapist who impregnated a woman can now use the ‘Todd Akin Defense’. The scary part is this also applies to anyone in prison who is currently serving time for their crime,” Adams said. “We could realistically see thousands of violent rapists back on the streets in the next 30-90 days.”

Outside the Courthouse, Reverend Matt Johnson from the Holy Lovers Methodist Church in Dequincy talked to reporters and said he supports the judges decision. “Judge Horner is doing god’s work,” Johnson said. “Republican Todd Akin is an amazing man and his beautiful words spoken the other day have inspired a remarkable person like Paul Horner to let an innocent man remain free. We have to obey what our elected officials like Akin say, and that is exactly what Judge Horner did. Our god is truly shining his everlasting love down on the town of Dequincy today.”

Family members of the rape victim said they don’t agree with the judge’s decision today whatsoever. The victim’s father spoke briefly to reporters before leaving with the other members of the family who were there for sentencing. “Judge Horner is completely insane and not living in this century. He’s out of touch with society and someone needs to legitimately rape him.”

The family of Daryl James Thompson has setup a hotline so people can send in their donations to help others wrongly found guilty of rape. They say the funds collected will be used for attorney fees to help those currently in prison be released as soon as possible.

  • The Daryl James Thompson Rape Release Hotline: (785) 273-0325


Ttokkyo Laboratories Launches Adoraberil: Anti-Growing Animal Wonder Drug

The Ass Press
Posted: 08/20/2012 12:46:14 PM PDT

Kitten staying small using wonder drug AdoraberilSanta Barbara, CA — Ttokkyo Laboratories is proud to finally release it’s anti-growing animal wonder drug, AdoraberilTM. Scientists there are calling it the fountain of youth for animals. One shot of AdoraberilTM will keep an animal from growing larger for one full year, but at the same time normal brain development will still occur. Scientists explain that by using the drug once a year you will always have an adorable little puppy or kitten who will continue to get more intelligent as the years go by.

Paul Horner, CEO and Managing Director of Ttokkyo Laboratories, says the drug will change the animal world forever. “Keeping animals at this small size will make them more desirable so they will be less likely to be abandoned or put in a shelter. Big animals are usually annoying and eat more food. Smaller animals don’t eat as much food and take up less space, so when they die it’s better for the environment.”

Critics of the drug say Ttokkyo Labs is messing with Mother Nature. “Animal population is a very delicate thing. No one will put down a cute little kitten or puppy. There needs to be checks and balances in nature. Soon things are going to get completely out of control,” Jade Porter of PETA told reporters this afternoon.

Joseph James, a spokesman for Ttokkyo Labs, says human testing is already in stage four of development with a scheduled release date of June, 2015. “The human baby when injected with AdoraberilTM will not develop physically, but it’s brain functions will. If continued use of AdoraberilTM is used from birth to adulthood you could realistically have a 35 pound baby that looks 3 years of age, but is actually a senior in College. How adorable would that be?”

Over 5 billion animals suffer from growing disease yearly in the United States. AdoraberilTM will initially only be made available to veterinarians and other licensed physicians. Contact your local veterinarian’s office to see if AdoraberilTM is right for your pet or animal.

  • AdoraberilTM 24 hour hotline: (785) 273-0325

Mars Rover Finds First Signs Of Life On The Red Planet

The Ass Press
Posted: 08/09/2012 6:00:04 AM PDT

Mars rover Curiosity finds life on MarsPASADENA, CA — NASA scientists have confirmed that the Mars rover Curiosity has just found the first signs of life on the Red Planet. The air is electrifying as word spread that remains of 4 out of the 7 rovers that have previously landed on Mars have been located and are all doing just fine.

Paul Horner who is NASA’s lead scientist said that everyone at NASA simply forgot about all the other previous missions to Mars. “In all the excitement of the Mars rover Curiosity landing on Mars, we totally spaced it and forgot that we’ve already been to this planet numerous of times before.” Horner continued, “So far we’ve found remains of the Mars 2 and Mars 3 from the Soviet Union in 1971, the Mars Pathfinder from 1997 and the Phoenix Lander from 2008. We’re still searching for the Viking probe from 1976, the Beagle 2 from Europe and the MER-A Mars Exploration Rover from 2003.”

31 year old Steve Middleton from Arizona said he threw a party in celebration of the Mars landing. “I’m actually kind of embarrassed now about this whole rover landing on Mars thing. When this happened a few days ago I was so happy. I threw a huge landing on Mars party with all my friends. I put up signs all around my house that said ‘USA #1’. I called people I knew in other countries and told them to ‘suck it’. And then today I find out the Soviet Union was the first to land on Mars, over 40 years ago. That’s when I put my sad face on and went into a deep depression.”

Beau Hough from Minnesota said he tried moving to the Soviet Union so he could be number one when it came to the subject of landing on Mars. “So I bought two airline tickets to the Soviet Union from this ‘reputable’ guy off Craigslist for $800. Turns out there is no Soviet Union anymore and now I’m out $800. Thanks NASA and the Mars rover Curiosity!”

NASA’s chief engineer, Victor Shueman, said he is happy with the findings from these other rovers. “So far we’ve found a couple Radiohead CD’s on the Mars Pathfinder from 1997, so that’s all we’ve been listening to here in the control booth for the past 24 hours. For a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself,” Shueman laughs, “That’s from that one karma song of theirs. I really like that song.”

NASA says it will be giving more updates once it finds the other three rovers that were tied to missions that also landed on the Mars surface many, many years before the rover Curiosity.

>>> Mars Rover Comes Out Of Closet

Mars Rover Comes Out Of The Closet

The Ass Press
Posted: 08/06/2012 12:00:14 PM PDT

The Mars rover is gay - comes out of the closetPasadena, CA — NASA scientists have confirmed that the Mars rover Curiosity has come out of the closet after safely landing on the Red Planet this morning. Engineers are saying that it hasn’t been roving around like it’s supposed to, but instead has been skipping from destination to destination. NASA is also informing reporters that the rover changed it’s own name from ‘Curiosity’ to ‘Bi-Curiosity’ and is currently sending back the photos it’s collecting to Earth using Instagram.

Paul Horner who is NASA’s lead scientist on the project said that everyone at NASA knew the rover was gay. “Going into this project, we all knew the rover was attracted to robots of it’s own gender. The rover was doing things a straight rover just wouldn’t do. We also caught it numerous times sexting with WALL-E.” Horner continued, “I think Mars is a good place for a rover to safely come out of the closet. It’s a far enough distance from Republicans, Christians and any Chick-fil-A restaurants.”

Dale Simmons is a television executive at FOX News who says the station is refusing to broadcast information about the Mars landing until NASA replaces the gay rover with a straight rover. “This is one of the most important pieces of news this year, besides Obama’s missing birth certificate of course, and some fruity little rover is up there in charge of everything. I don’t know about you, but as an American, I don’t like it one darn bit.”

Horner says the Mars rover Bi-Curiosity will continue with it’s current mission of collecting data about the region, but has added ‘looking for signs of gay life’ to it’s list of things to do. “We believe any previous gay life on Mars could have listened to music the equivalent of a band like Cold Play or Nickelback. So the rover is currently looking for album cover remains and things of that nature.”

NASA’s chief engineer, Victor Shueman, said he is extremely pleased with the photos that the rover is transmitting back to Earth. “The first pictures that the rover sent back were just your basic black and white photos. But since the rover came out of the closet this morning, these recent ones are actually quite amazing. They are in full color. Some have images of smiley faces and unicorns on them too. The rover has also been sending us photos of it’s ‘fabulous’ tan that it has acquired since landing on the Red Planet.”

The Bi-Curiosity rover is informing NASA it will stay on the planet collecting data and taking pictures as long as the mission takes and also until Mars allows gay marriage.

>>> Mars rover finds first signs of life on the Red Planet

Bill Murray Shows Up In Phoenix: Kicks Off Party Crashing Tour With A Bang

The Ass Press
Posted: 08/3/2012 6:00:08 AM PDT

Bill Murray at a party in Phoenix where he kicked off his 29 city nationwide Party Crashing TourPhoenix, AZ — On Wednesday Bill Murray kicked off his 29 city party crashing tour in Phoenix, Arizona. It’s still unclear how many parties in Phoenix Mr. Murray ended up attending but one of them has been confirmed at Lawn Gnome Publishing that was thrown in his honor.

Aaron Johnson who threw the party said it was truly an amazing event. He said the huge turnout was electrifying which was all capped off by the arrival of Bill Murray. “Thanks to all of the people that made my dreams come true tonight. It was great seeing everyone having fun, singing karaoke and celebrating a living legend. The night couldn’t have gotten any better when Bill Murray actually showed up and made a quick appearance. This celebration will be remembered by all.”

Bill Murray’s agent Paul Horner, who was also in attendance, explained how happy Mr. Murray was and where he’ll go next on his party crashing tour. “Bill Murray and I couldn’t be anymore pleased with what happened here tonight in Phoenix. This kind of party is exactly what this whole party crashing tour is all about. There was hundreds of Bill Murray fans, karaoke, Ghostbusters and even Caddyshack miniature golf,” Horner said. “Bill Murray will be in Las Vegas August 4th and then will head over to four cities in California after that.”

For a complete list of dates and locations of this tour, click here.

Here are pictures from the Bill Murray party at Lawn Gnome Publishing (click to enlarge):


For more information please call the 24 hour Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour Hotline.

  • Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour Hotline: (785) 273-0325


> Bill Murray Announces Party Crashing Tour

Bill Murray Signs On For Ghostbusters 3

Bill Murray Shows Up In Phoenix: Kicks Off Party Crashing Tour With A Bang