Archives for April 2013

Human Sex Trafficking Operation Uncovered At Madison Street Jail In Phoenix Arizona

Protests held recently in front of the Madison Street Jail demanding a recall of Joe Arpaio.

Recent protests held in front of the Madison Street Jail demanding a recall of Joe Arpaio.

Phoenix, AZ — Three floors below the Madison Street Jail in Phoenix, Arizona authorities have found what appears to be a human sex trafficking operation. They were tipped off by an Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agent who wished to remain anonymous.

The ICE agent answered questions and explained to reporters how the operation worked. “The Mexican woman who were caught entering this country illegally were placed in holding cells until it was determined if they could be sold to other countries or not. If they were old or disabled in any way, they were then deported back to Mexico. The ones who were young or of an attractive nature were then sold to countries such places as Albania, Turkey and Belize. It’s kind of like the movie Taken except not cool.”

Tiffany Wohl who helps out with the websites Recall Arpaio and People against Sheriff Joe Arpaio told reporters that she does not agree with Joe Arpaio and is time that he is relieved of his duties as Sheriff of Maricopa County. “He’s a talking head-motivated by his own agendas instead of what the people need. He wastes our tax dollars by the millions, breaks down communities instead of building them, deaths in his jails rise continuously, he abuses his power as he goes after opponents, ignores crimes when it is convenient and chases down birth records,” Wohl said. “He is an out of touch and clueless old man who violates civil rights daily and now with this human sex trafficking allegation we finally might be able to get someone in there that can do the job the way it should be done.”
Joe Arpaio tweetPaul Horner who heads up the organization, Joe Arpaio Sucks Dick (JASD) which has over 15 million members explained to reporters why Arpaio keeps getting re-elected every year. “The problem is, there is a lot of old white people in Arizona. Old white people are angry, confused and racist. Unfortunately these same old, angry, racist and confused white people vote. Once the old white people die, no one will vote for him anymore.”

Human trafficking is the trade in humans, most commonly for the purpose of sexual slavery, forced labor or for the extraction of organs or tissues, including surrogacy and ova removal. Trafficking is a lucrative industry, representing an estimated $650 billion per year in international trade.

Arpaio’s involvement is still not yet known at this time but authorities are saying it is possible that charges could be brought against the individuals responsible as early as next week. For any information or tips regarding this matter please call the 24-hour hotline that has been setup at (785) 273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.


Small Town In Louisiana Bans Koreans

Town bans Koreans

Mayor Maynard Wilkens and Sheriff Bobby Joe Williams explained the new law that bans Koreans from the town of DeQuincy.

DeQuincy, LA — With all the current tensions overseas right now a small town in Louisiana has taken matters into their own hands. They have begun removing all Koreans currently living in the town and have prevented any new Koreans from entering.

Maynard Wilkens who is the Mayor of DeQuincy spoke to reporters today and explained the ban that takes effect at midnight tonight. “I don’t care if they’re South Korean or North Korean, I know they are somehow working together. The rest of the country can keep their heads in the sand if they want, but DeQuincy is doing something about it.” Mayor Wilkens continued, “Those Gangnam Style, slanted-eye freaks, can take their nukes somewhere else because they don’t belong here in DeQuincy, that’s for damn sure.”

Bobby Joe Williams who is the sheriff in the town said he will not tolerate any Koreans in the city any longer. “Even if they just look Korean, they are banned from entering our town. If they try and resist they will either be locked up or shot on sight. I don’t know the difference between a China man from some Japanese guy, and I don’t care to know. All I know is they all gotta go, and when they’re gone, they stay gone, or they be gone.”

34-year-old Paul Horner who has been a resident of DeQuincy for the past 20 years spoke to reporters briefly about his Korean mail-order bride that he purchased 5-years ago. “My wife Hyori is the prettiest little thing you’d ever lay your eyes on and I love her to death, but right now, I don’t trust her. With everything that is going on, how do I know she isn’t some secret agent that was sent over here to blow up our town?” Horner continued, “And she’s real sneaky too. She’s always sneaking around, trying to get out of the basement even when I have the door locked. She probably even knows those terrorists who did the Boston marathon bombings. But don’t you worry about that, I’ve been waterboarding her day and night. I will get information from her. Our country’s freedom depends on it.”

The town of DeQuincy has a population of 3,398 as of the 2000 census. DeQuincy is part of the Lake Charles Metropolitan Statistical Area. So far state officials in Louisiana have yet to make a formal statement concerning the ban. Any questions or comments about the ban can be referred to a 24-hour hotline the city has set up at (785) 273-0325.


Boston Marathon Bombers Were Pressure Cooker Salesmen Gone Bad

A police officer mans a check point  in Watertown, Massachusetts as a search for the second of two suspects wanted in the Boston Marathon bombings takes place.

A police officer mans a check point in Watertown, Massachusetts as a search for the second of two suspects wanted in the Boston Marathon bombings takes place.

Watertown, MA — Authorities are now learning the names and motives behind the suspects responsible for the deadly Boston Marathon bombings that rocked the nation on Monday. All of this comes just hours after one of two suspects was killed early Friday in a violent standoff with the police in a quiet residential neighborhood just west of Boston. The second suspect remains at large following what authorities describe as a deadly crime spree that left one police officer dead and another seriously wounded.

The two men have been identified as Dzhokhar A. Tsarnaev, 19, and his brother Tamerlan Tsarnaev, 26 of Cambridge, Massachusetts. Tamerlan was killed by police in Friday’s early morning firefight. Dzhokhar is still on the run after a daring shootout with police that some describe as a scene straight from an action movie. In the middle of the gunfight, a pressure cooker was thrown at police that detonated. These pressure cooker bombs were the same explosives that were used in the Boston Marathon bombings. The devices were filled with nails, bearing balls, and black gun powder which could be triggered by kitchen-type egg timers.

Paul Horner who owns Pressure Cookers and More in downtown Boston said Dzhokhar and Tamerlan were two of his best salesmen but says he had not heard from either of them since earlier this month. “They had taken the company car up to Salem for a pressure cooker convention on the 1st of April. They were supposed to check in with me after the convention but never did,” Horner said. “Those two were our very best pressure cooker salesmen. They could sell ice to an Eskimo. They could sell bubble-gum in the lock-jaw ward in Bellevue.” Horner continued, “I wish I know what made them act the way they did. They were nice boys, but I do know they were somewhat disgruntled about our decrease in pressure cooker commissions that we just recently implemented. I hope that is not what made them do all of this.”

Boston Police Sergeant Benjamin Davis told reporters they found narcotics on the body of Tamerlan. “We found a small plastic bag containing a white substance that we believe to be bath salts,” Davis said. “For those unaware, bath salts are an LSD type of Amphetamine that when ingested produce both extreme euphoria and paranoia. Bath salts have turned normal individuals into zombie, flesh eating monsters. It would not surprise me the least that this is what made these two individuals act the way they did.”

“We called them the pressure cooker duo,” says Horner. “Customers just loved them and always came in the store asking for them by name. They had a passion for selling pressure cookers like I’ve never seen before. Unfortunately they used their amazing pressure cooker selling abilities for evil. They used those same pressure cookers they loved to sell to make bombs with and kill people.” Horner continued, “They must have wasted at least $1,000 worth of perfectly good pressure cookers and I know I’ll never see a penny of that. It’s such a shame.”

If anyone has any information on the whereabouts of Dzhokhar A. Tsarnaev police are urging you to call (785) 273-0325. They say he is armed with deadly pressure cookers and is considered extremely dangerous.

[Updated at 04-19-13 | 5:10 PM PDT] The second suspect has been apprehended by police. There is nothing in life to ever be afraid of now.


Deep Thoughts by Paul Horner

Deep Thoughts by Paul Horner

This is a tribute to the comic genius Jack Handey, whose real name was actually Jack Handey.

  • I opened up a fortune cookie recently that said to treat others how you would want to be treated. So now I walk around giving hand jobs to everyone I meet.
  • Hostage negotiators really get on my nerves. They’re always asking me what I want, trying to calm me down, asking annoying questions about my hostages, but in the back off my mind I know they’re not really my friend. They are just using me for my hostages.
  • Sometimes I wish I was BFFs with Suge Knight. We would go to the movies together, ride on the roller coasters and share our deepest secrets. But even with all that fun happening, I would always be worried about him killing me at any moment.
  • What if Jesus didn’t really die for our sins? What if he died because he was nailed to a cross?
  • Sometimes I’m frustrated when crimes go unsolved. What if it was the dogs who let themselves out?
  • Some people like to make it rain at the strip club. I’m on a budget though so I can’t do that. Instead I throw nickles on the stage. I call it making it hail.
  • Drinking five 5-hour energy drinks will give you 25 hours of energy, and since there is only 24 hours in a day, you will die.
  • I know that things are changing and I’m getting older. I notice some of my friends are starting to have kids on purpose.
  • My friend Dave came over the other day and I made us a pizza. He asked me if this was delivery and I asked him if he was fucking stupid.
  • I wish I had a friend that did a lot of acid every day and always liked to explain how hard he was tripping balls. It would be even better if for a profession he was a fireman. He might not save any lives or even put out one fire, but it would be really funny.
  • For April Fool’s Day I told my parents that I was gay. They then told me how happy they were and that they had always suspected it. Then I said, “Ha, ha, ha, just joking, April Fools!” It was the worst April Fool’s Day ever.
  • What if the boys were already on their way to the yard and the milkshakes had nothing to do with it?
  • I like giving girls orgasms. I don’t like it when they spit it out though.

[Updated 04-23-13] I did standup comedy with this material. I think it went alright. I hope you enjoy it!

U.S. Stealth Bombers Dropping Leaflets Over North Korea Warning Of Attack

A South Korean viewing the leaflet drop on North Korea by American B-52 stealth bombers warning of an impending attack

A South Korean viewing the leaflet drop on North Korea by American B-52 stealth bombers warning of an impending attack.

SEOUL, South Korea — South Korean officials are telling the Korean Broadcasting System (KBS) that B-2 stealth bombers are currently dropping leaflets over the city of Pyongyang warning its citizens of an impending attack. At the time of this posting, the U.S. government or its military has not made a statement regarding this late breaking story.

34-year-old Paul Horner who is in Donggang, China on business told CNN that it is possible to see the leaflets being dropped over Pyongyang. “I went up to the roof of my hotel where they have a telescope that allows you to view different parts of North Korea. Right now there are literally thousands of packages being dumped everywhere in Pyongyang. I can’t see the planes, but these packages have parachutes attached to them and then when they get close to the ground they open up or something because suddenly there is just paper everywhere. It’s actually quite an amazing site to see.” Horner continued, “Also, if you ever get a chance to visit over here, I highly recommend it. The girls here are super hot.”

CNN has obtained a copy of the leaflet that the B-2 stealth bombers are currently dropping on the city of Pyongyang:

Leaflets warning North Korea of impending attack

Leaflet warning North Korea of an impending attack.

Translated into English:

Read this carefully as it may save your life or the life of a relative or friend. In the next few days, the city of Pyongyang and its surrounding military bases will be destroyed. Unfortunately, bombs have no eyes. So, in accordance with America’s humanitarian policies, the United States Air Force, which does not wish to injure innocent people, now gives you warning to evacuate Pyongyang and save your life.

Your military leaders have refused to quite their threats of a nuclear war against South Korea. Kim Jung-Un has been warned multiple times to end his rhetoric of nonsense and pull back his military forces but refuses. The actions of this insane, immature, reckless, evil dictator will no longer be accepted by the U.S. and the rest of the world. This aggression will not stand, man.

The American people and the rest of the world truly feel for you innocent people who are being held against your will. Hopefully by destroying Kim Jung-Un and most of the military your country can start fresh. This attack will give your people the ability to rise up and claim your country as your own. You will no longer have to fear the prison camps and being tortured for speaking out against your ruthless leaders. You will never have to listen to the propaganda and lies that your government tells you on a daily basis. You will be free to own your own business and make your own money. You will be free to disrespect your leaders if you do not agree with them without fear of being tortured and your family imprisoned. You will no longer be shut off from the rest of the world. Unfortunately though, all of this is up to you. America and it’s allies will be sending NO ground forces to North Korea. The only attacks will be bombs dropped from overhead, just like this leaflet that has come into your possession. America is not fighting the North Korean people but is fighting the military clique which has enslaved your people. Hopefully after this is over, a new, better and free North Korea will emerge. You can restore peace by demanding new and good leaders. It is your country. This is your time to rise up and take what is yours. Every one in the world wishes you nothing but the best. EVACUATE PYONGYANG NOW!

At this time the only information known is that the leaflets are just being released over Pyongyang. The Korean Broadcasting System is saying the amount of leaflets being dumped number in the millions.


Justin Bieber Devastated As His Monkey Remains in Quarantine

Justin Bieber Devastated As His Monkey Remains in Quarantine

Justin Bieber is devastated as his monkey, Mally, remains in quarantine.

Hollywood, CA — With his bad press about arriving late at a London concert and being booed, fighting with paparazzi, and spitting on a neighbor, pop mogul Justin Bieber is having a rough time. To top it all off, German Customs Agents are still holding Bieber’s Capuchin monkey Mally under state arrest. Sources closest to Bieber say he’s never been so upset.

When Bieber’s manager Paul Horner was asked to comment, he said Justin had this to say, “Europe sucks. I miss my monkey. These tears of mine won’t bring him back and it just makes me cry even harder.”

Even though Justin Bieber is devastated that he is monkey-less, his creativity level is at an all time high. He is currently working on a new single titled, “Monkey.” The song is very similar to his break out hit “Baby” and Justin will once again collaborate with Ludacris.

“Yo, ‘Monkey’ gon’ be off da chain. You thought Biebs was hot before you ain’t heard nothin’ yet. This single gonna be so good it’s ridiculous; laughable; provoking or deserving of derision… I don’t know a word for that but it’s gon’ be good,” Ludacris stated.

No word yet as to when Justin Bieber may be reunited with his monkey again. The Capuchin is in temporary foster care but the couple that took in Mally are second guessing their decision after witnessing it’s terrible behavior. “If we try and take a picture of the monkey it will immediately try to block the camera lens with its tiny hands and it is constantly spitting at us. We’ve even witnessed the monkey smoking marijuana.”

If you have any questions or concerns about Justin Bieber’s monkey, or if you would like to cheer up Justin in his time of need, please call the 24-Hour Justin Bieber Monkey Hotline. Mr. Bieber has specifically stated he will only talk to fans about subjects related to his monkey so if you plan on calling to chat about anything besides Mally, do not even try it. It will just make Justin Bieber more sad than he already is.

  • Justin Bieber Monkey Hotline: (785) 273-0325


What, a, prankster…

For April Fool’s Day I am not posting an April Fool’s prank, since that happens on a regular basis at Super Official News. Instead, I am honoring the following individual as the greatest prankster in the history of the world. The following pictures explain why.