Archives for May 2013

Documentary By Michael Moore Called “Fappy” Scheduled For Release In December

Michael Moore talking to reporters about his upcoming documentary “Fappy”.

Hollywood, CA — Controversial filmmaker Michael Moore held a press conference to announce his new upcoming documentary that is being released in December simply titled “Fappy”.

Moore talked with reporters and explained briefly what the documentary is about. “The story follows a religious anti-masturbation organization who travels around the country preaching to school children about the harmful effects of masturbation,” Moore said. “They have a mascot who dresses in a dolphin costume that goes by the name of Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin. Fappy® along with his assistants visit various elementary schools nationwide talking to children about living a masturbation-free lifestyle. Along the way many interesting situations arise; everything from the group being banned in the state of California to Fappy® getting arrested for public masturbation.” Moore continued, “Besides all of the problems that occur, the characters are real and loving. You begin to root for this organization that you want so badly to fail.”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now told CNN he is excited about Moore’s documentary. “We’re just thrilled to have Michael Moore making a movie about what we do day in and day out. Hopefully it will bring more attention to our cause,” Childs said. “Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape. It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease. What our organization does is designed to help make children and parents aware of the dangers of masturbation in and outside of the home.” Childs continued, “God willing, one day masturbation will be illegal.”

64-year old Paul Horner who is a teacher at Pansy Kidd Middle School in Poteau, Oklahoma told reporters about their experience with Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin when they visited the school back in March. “The kids just love him,” Horner said. “Fappy® makes the kids laugh and educates them at the same time. He also is quite the tickle monster and the children just love wrestling with him. We can’t wait for Fappy® to come back and visit us again!”

“Fappy” will open December 5th in a limited number of theaters and is scheduled for a nationwide release on December 19th. For more information visit


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Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin needs your help and support in ending masturbation! Get your very own OFFICIAL Fappy® merchandise here!

Candy Crush Saga Killer Strikes Again

Candy Crush Saga Killer strikes again

The ‘Candy Crush Saga Killer’ has struck again. This time 34-year-old Shilda Vafaei was the unfortunate victim.

Phoenix, AZ — What was supposed to be a fun game on Facebook has instilled terror and fear among the citizens of Phoenix, Arizona as the infamous ‘Candy Crush Saga Killer’ has struck once again.

The latest victim is 34-year-old Shilda Vafaei who was known to play Candy Crush Saga for days on end and send out hundreds of game requests to her friends on Facebook. “Shilda Vafaei makes victim number seven in the last three months,” Michael Spielman of the Phoenix Police Department said. “I urge the people of Phoenix to stop sending Candy Crush Saga game requests immediately until the killer has been apprehended.” Spielman continued, “Even when this individual has been apprehended, please continue not sending game requests. It will just make your friends hate you and someone will end up getting killed again.”

Greg Tidrow from Phoenix, Arizona who lived next to the victim explained what Candy Crush Saga is to reporters. “Candy Crush Saga is like Bejeweled, but with candy!”

Local Phoenix resident Paul Horner told reporters that he receives Candy Crush Saga game requests all the time. “My male friend, who I thought was straight, Ivan Schleinkofer, sent me a request to play this game with him. Is he gay for me I thought, or is this a normal game males play together? When I was growing up, my male friends and I played Contra and blew sh*t up. It was all about Up-Up-Down-Down-Left-Right-Left-Right B, A, Start,” Horner said. “This killer probably was sent too many Candy Crush Saga game requests and just snapped and I don’t blame him. One more request and I just might start candy crushing some skulls.”

So far the police have no leads. If you have any information about this case, Phoenix Police are urging you to contact Silent Witness at (785) 273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.

Nearly 100 Students Arrested In 2 Year Undercover Drug Sting

One of the many drug dealers at Tolleson High School being led away by Sheriff Deputies.

Tolleson, AZ — A two year undercover drug sting came to a close today as almost 100 students at Tolleson Union High School in Arizona were arrested. The students apprehended were in a sting called Operation Disco Party. Over the course of  two years, undercover deputies posed as high school students to catch those possessing and selling drugs.

“The charges include selling narcotics and possession of narcotics,” said Paul Horner who is the district attorney heading up the case.

The two year drug sting brought in 29 marijuana cigarette joints, 3 ecstasy pills, a half gram of extremely potent salvia, and four dried banana peels which the students were intending to scrape and get high with.

The ages of the criminals ranged from 14-17. The 17-year-olds will be tried as adults says Horner.

“The amount confiscated over this two year period was clearly intended for mass distribution, probably globally,”says DEA agent Benji Sakoia.

One cop who did not wish to be named, told KSAZ FOX 10 that in total the drugs confiscated had a street value worth more than $50,000.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio who headed up the two year investigation spoke to reporters about the success of this operation. “This is your tax payer money at work. We’re cleaning up the streets and locking up the bad guys,” said Arpaio. “When these drug dealers get out of jail, excuse me – if they get out of jail, they will all have records that will stay with them for the rest of their lives. Today was a huge win in the war against drugs.” Arpaio continued,”During this sting we also caught two students masturbating in the men’s restroom, so those individuals will be facing masturbating in public charges as well. They will have to register as sex offenders once they get out of prison.”

Joe Arpaio tweet

If you have information about this case, Phoenix Police are urging you to contact Silent Witness at (785) 273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.

City in Louisiana Offering K-12 Education In Only 6 Months

14-year-old Jamal Williams in front of the Super School with his diploma he received in 6 months.

DeQuincy, LA — A small town in Louisiana is taking a new approach to education that has created quite the controversy and already has other cities considering doing the same.

In the past year the town of DeQuincy, Louisiana has torn down it’s elementary school, it’s middle school and turned their entire high school into what they are calling a Super School.

Paul Horner who is the superintendent of DeQuincy spoke to reporters and explained how their revolutionary new education system works. “It’s actually quite amazing. We have taken all the basics that are taught throughout a 12-year education and have compacted them down to a 6 month program,” Horner said. “In the real world, who actually uses Algebra or needs to know the political views of ancient Egypt?” Horner continued, “If the child does want to learn that kind of information, they can look it up on the internet which will all be covered in our 3 week computer science class.”

Maynard Jenkins who is the mayor of DeQuincy agrees with the new Super School. “I didn’t get any learnings when I was in school. I got all my learning from the streets and now look where I am today, I’m a gosh darn mayor,” Jenkins said. “With this Super School there will be no more 5th grade bullies or the social awkwardness of puberty, it will be just straight learning the basics.” Jenkins continued, “This whole 12 years of unnecessary education will give kids more time to be kids, get jobs and learn the tough reality of life.”

Prinicipal Shilda Vafaei talked to reporters about the new DeQuincy Super School. “When a child turns the ripe age of 14-years-old he or she will be taken, by force if necessary, to the brand new Super School. While there, they will eat, sleep, and learn,” Vafaei said. “The children will learn the absolute basics from such subjects as Math, Science, Social Studies, English and History.” Vafaei continued, “We know the child is ready to graduate when they can give correct change from a cash register, play Candy Crush Saga on Facebook and understand the concept of green means go and red means stop.”

According Joyce Barth who is a teacher at the Super School told reporters they also offer a one week sex education class that is mandatory. “Our goal is to teach children about living a masturbation-free lifestyle and not having sex until marriage,” Barth said. “Also,  marriage with anyone you are related to is a big no-no. We have a problem with that here in DeQuincy.”

To learn more about the new Super School in DeQuincy or if you are interested in having your child enroll you can contact them online or call (785) 273-0325.

Monsanto Funds Anti-Masturbation Organization

The Monsanto Company has begun funding anti-masturbation organizations such as Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin (seen here) and STOP Masturbation NOW

The Monsanto Company has begun funding an anti-masturbation organization which includes programs such as Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and STOP Masturbation NOW.

Creve Coeur, MO — The Monsanto Company held a press conference today to announce their funding of an anti-masturbation organization who recently lost federally funding and was shut down by the FBI. This controversial move comes just days after the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) was taken over by Monsanto.

Dave Myers who is administrator and spokesman for Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin said he is thrilled to have the Monsanto Company supporting their cause. “Things got a little crazy there for a few days when the F.B.I., the U.S. government and Facebook shut us down. Fortunately Monsanto saw the importance of what we were doing and saved the day,” Myers said. “Now we are back online and stronger than ever.”

Paul Horner who is a spokesman for Monsanto explained the reason behind their controversial decision. “We are proud to be the new sponsors of an organization that supports living a masturbation-free lifestyle. The kids love Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and we figure this will be a great way to improve our reputation and inform the public of all the good that we are doing.” Horner continued, “Now that we are in charge of the USDA we can pretty much do whatever we want. And we want to provide healthy food to every person in world and also put an end to masturbation once and for all.”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now said he is excited about joining forces with Monsanto. “Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape,” Childs told reporters. “It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease.” Childs continued, “God willing, one day masturbation will be illegal and everyone will be eating things created by Monsanto.”

Tommy Kelly from Waterbury, CT says he loves the food produced by Monsanto. “The lobster potatoes and halibut tomatoes are probably my favorite,” Kelly said. “Also, masturbation in this country is at an all-time high and needs to stop. I hope one day Monsanto can genetically modify arms to make them shorter. This will stop masturbation for good.”

Monsanto has also suggested we bring Frankie the Fruit Bat® with us along on our new and improved nationwide tour starting on May 21st.

Monsanto has suggested Frankie the Fruit Bat® as an additional mascot to join Fappy® on the anti-masturbation tour that begins May 21st.

NBC News spoke with Daniel Ballado who has worked with Monsato for 9 months. “I work in their department for testing new chemicals. I smell each one and then Monsanto staff members in hazmat suits check to see what, if any, side effects occur.” Ballado said. “Working for a multi-billion dollar company and no high school education I can’t just start working in their GMO department for animals. I have to start off at the bottom and work my way up.” Ballado continued, “I figure after this chemical testing, I’ll probably be washing lettuce. Soon after that I’ll be on fries, then the grill. In a year or two, I’ll be assistant manager… and that’s when the big bucks start rollin’ in.”

Though not everyone is a fan of Monsanto. Shilda Vafaei who heads up the Twin Cities March Against Monsanto says Monsanto feeds the world’s less educated. “Monsanto is responsible for some really super things, namely super weeds, super bugs, autism, Parkinson’s, and Alzheimer. Either mankind will stop Monsanto or Monsanto will stop mankind. You control the food supply, and you control the people,” Vafaei told reporters. “Monsanto is not even required to put labels on their food stating that it has been genetically altered. Instead they can legally call it ‘organic’ and they do that all the time. They destroy food and now they have a dolphin going around the country talking to elementary school children about the dangerous consequences of masturbation and the benefits of genetically modified foods. It is completely insane.” Vafaei continued, “If you’re cool with a company that produces food that will kill you and also heads up the USDA, then you are either a Washington lobbyist or you work for the Obama Administration.”

Critics are urging individuals to demand an investigation into Monsanto’s takeover of the USDA and join the Nation of Change and organizations around the world in a March Against Monsanto on May 25.

Monsanto tweet about funding an anti-masturbation organization

Monsanto’s Tweet about funding an anti-masturbation organization.

According to CNN, Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and STOP Masturbation NOW have announced a 31-city nationwide school tour focusing on educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of masturbation and the benefits of genetically modified foods.

The Monsanto Company is a publicly traded agricultural biotechnology corporation headquartered in Creve Coeur, Missouri. It is a leading producer of genetically engineered food and of the herbicide which it markets under the name ‘Roundup’.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are programs designed to teach children and adults about the dangers of masturbation. For a complete list of dates and locations of this nationwide tour, click here. For more information or if you would like Fappy® to visit your child’s school please call the 24-hour Monsanto Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin Nationwide School Tour Hotline.

  • Fappy® Nationwide Monsanto School Tour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

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Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin on FacebookFappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Brother Lonnie's University of Faith Facts - BLUFFBrother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts – BLUFF

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin needs your help and support in ending masturbation and educating children about the benefits of genetically modified foods! Get your very own OFFICIAL Fappy® merchandise here!

Harry Potter Scandal: J.K. Rowling Is A Fraud

Harry Potter Scandal: J.K. Rowling Is A Fraud

J.K. Rowling and the Harry Potter scandal.

Hollywood, CA — It has come to our attention that the onslaught of attacks on J.K. Rowling is undeserved and unwarranted. In an attempt to preserve Hogwart’s tradition, J.K. Rowling (a muggle) was given a detailed synopsis of a grand story on her window sill. No one was really sure where the story came from, until recent surveillance has revealed that Hedwig was the deliverer of said story. Further DNA analysis has proven to show that the story was written by none other than Harry Potter himself. With the recent destruction of Voldemort (yes we can say his name now), and a steady decline in the dementors in the space, we are now able to make this story public. The battle still wages on as Harry Potter has taken his talents outside of Hogwart’s and has entered into his new battleground where he will defend his muggle territory like no other. He has shared his talents with the muggles and has made them able to see things most wizards would not reveal, all in an effort to let the world know we can work towards peace now.

It is said Harry may join the band Atoms for Peace in an effort to further spread his message. He has told us that Thom is a good friend of his, and also had a similar path growing up in Hogwart’s. Harry is expected to play bass clarinet, and his rhythm is mentioned to be stellar. I am excited to hear what he can produce and look forward to covering him as time progresses.

It has also been revealed that Hermione has and always will be Harry’s muse. It was hard stepping on his buddy’s toes to get her, but Ron said he couldn’t really handle her in the first place and would rather spend his time outside of the spotlight. Ron and Harry are still greatest of friends, and Ron has found love elsewhere and is quoted as saying, “I get it now.” Ron plans on spending his life committed to improving the environment and making sure people around him stay happy and healthy.  Harry and Hermione will continue their role as a power couple, and there has been further mention that they may work on a band together on the same label as The xx.  As for Ginny, she will continue to be prime minister of Australia along with Paul Horner as her faithful assistant.

J.K. Rowling is relieved to hear this news as her sanity was waning over the issue. The unimaginative attacks on her person, has led her to feel distant and unappreciated by her peers. She has always thought the appreciation has existed, but was surprised when nobody was able to come out and show it. The time has come now as Harry Potter is alive and well and intermingling with new friends and old.

Article written by:

Adam Piontkowski – adampiont @

Don’t Be Afraid Of Love!

Don't be afraid of love
Hello fans of Super Official News,

I just put up this site called and I think you’ll love it!

It consist of 5 second videos of people shouting the word “LOVE!” or something of that nature at someone and then you see the person’s face and it’s really funny.

What to do:

1. Take a 5 second video scaring someone by shouting the word “LOVE” and then getting their reaction.

2. Upload the video to Youtube or whatever video hosting provider you prefer.

3. Submit link of video here and it will be posted for all to see.

4. Profit!

Feel free to add your name and any other information you would like posted with your video. Youtube works the best for this but whatever you would like to use is just fine.

Let’s make this legendarily funny and always remember, don’t be afraid of love.


Paul Horner

Happy Mother’s Day To Flappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin!

Happy Mother’s Day To Flappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin!

Fappy® made a song about not masturbating or if you do you’ll go to Hell. I hope you enjoy it!

More info @

Surprise Winner At This Years Punjab Rape Festival

Winners of this year's Punjab Rape Festival

Winners of this year’s Punjab Rape Festival. Nikhil Thakur (second from left) being awarded ‘The Baalkrishan’ for most rapes.

Punjab, INDIA — Exciting news is coming out of Punjab, India this morning as this year’s Punjab Rape Festival results have been announced and prizes are being awarded. It was close, but in the end it was Nikhil Thakur who took home the ‘The Baalkrishan’ for most rapes this year. This was the first time Thakur had participated in the event and locals are still in shock.

Madhuban Ahluwalia who heads up the annual festival told reporters he is just baffled by this year’s winner. “We don’t know where Nikhil Thakur came from or who he is,” said Ahluwalia. “There are men in India who have participated in this festival since they were little boys, and then some guy just comes in here and wins it all by getting the most rapes.” Ahluwalia continued, “Well I can tell you that the locals around town are not too pleased.”

“It’s f*ckin’ bullsh*t, that’s what it is,” said 81-year-old Madhusmita Borthakur. “I’ve been participating in this festival since I was nine years old. And some new dude, some hip-hopper, just comes in and gets the most rapes. It’s not g*ddamn fair and I demand a recount!”

India working to end the Punjab Rape FestivalAhluwalia told reporters why the event is so important. “This is a long time tradition in Punjab dating back thousands of years,” says Ahluwalia. “We rape the evil demons out of the girls, otherwise they will cheat on us and we will be forced to kill them. So it is win-win for everyone.” Ahluwalia continued, “The Punjab Rape Festival began in 43 BC when Baalkrishan Tamil Nadu raped everyone in his village of Ludhiana. Baalkrishan Tamil Nadu is remembered every year at this event, in fact the trophy given to the man with the most rapes is called ‘The Baalkrishan’.”

23-year-old Harikrishna Majumdar who tied for 3rd told reporters that he had been training all year for this event. “I told everyone that I would get the most rapes this year and I almost did!” Majumdar said, “I was practicing raping my sister and her friends every day and my hard work paid off!” Majumdar continued, “One day I will get the Baalkrishan prize for sure!”


1. Nikhil Thakur – 28 confirmed rapes
2. Suresh Ambiger – 24 confirmed rapes
3. Chandan Panjwani – 22 confirmed rapes
4. Harikrishna Majumdar – 22 confirmed rapes

“We normally award just three winners, but Harikrishna Majumdar was able to sneak in there at the last minute and get rape number 22,” said Ahluwalia. “We are all so proud of him!”

34-year-old Paul Horner who is a Rape Crisis Specialist said the rape statistics in India are incorrect. “Currently India is second in reported rapes in the world only behind the United States. This information is false for a number of reasons,” says Horner. “In India, for a woman that has been raped to go to the police she needs four to five witnesses to collaborate her story. This act will also shame her and her family for life. In India the woman is blamed for the rape, not the man. Plus in a lot of cases the woman can be stoned to death or even forced to marry the man who raped her. In the United States of course that does not exist in our free society. Well excuse me, it may not be a free society, but when it comes to a woman being able to report a rape to the proper authorities, justice is always served,” Horner continued, “No one looks down on a rape victim in the United States. She is only greeted with open arms and the person responsible goes to prison.” Horner finished by explaining to reporters, “I imagine in India, realistically, only about 2% of all rapes actually get reported. It is so sad. I truly hope the Indian Government starts doing something about this pure evil and embarrassment to their country.”

For more information about the festival or if you would like to participate in next year’s event, please call the 24-hour Punjab Rape Festival hotline at (785) 273-0325.


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rapes in India

UPDATE 11/7/13: Woman of India, it’s your fault.

UPDATE 10/8/13:
View India’a Response Here

UPDATE 10/9/13:
India Ends Diplomatic Relations With The U.S. Over Satirical Article

UPDATE 11/13/13:
Top India police official says, “If you can’t prevent rape, you enjoy it.”

Inspired By Jason Collins, Entire WNBA Comes Out Of The Closet

WNBA president Laurel J. Richie speaking to reporters

WNBA president Laurel J. Richie speaking to reporters about how rad lesbians are.

The Women’s National Basketball Association (WNBA) held a press conference today to announce that the entire WNBA has come out of the closet.  This comes on the heals of the courage shown by Jason Collins, who on Monday became the first openly gay male athlete in a major American team sport.

WNBA president Laurel J. Richie told reporters it took a lot of fortitude for Collins to tell the world he was gay and the WNBA is not afraid to stand there with him. “I know what most people are thinking, ‘Oh but how can a woman that plays basketball for a living be a lesbian?’ Well, it’s the truth,” Richie said. “In fact, I’ve been wanting to say this for a while now and thanks to Jason Collins I finally can; I’m officially coming out of the closet. I’m a proud lesbian!”

Sylvia Fowles of the Chicago Sky said she is excited about the future of the WNBA. “We’ve been lesbians for a long time now, but were always too scared to come out,” Fowles said. “We didn’t want to blow this masquerade of beautiful women who love men. We thought it would lower ticket sales if all the men knew that every member of the WNBA only loves rug.” Fowles continued, “But thanks to Jason Collins I think those worries are now a thing of the past.”

Candace Parker of the Los Angeles Sparks is the only player that did not come out of the closet but said she is considering it. “I love men, but I have to support the team, so maybe I’ll be bisexual. That actually sounds pretty hot.”

Long-time WNBA fan Paul Horner said he is amazed to hear of the news. “I’m still in shock,” said Horner. “These are woman who play basketball for a living. I had no idea that they were lesbians too.” Horner continued, “Well as long as they don’t fornicate on the court too much I’ll still continue going to games.”