Archives for October 2014

U.S. Company Hiring Mercenaries To Kill ISIS; Starting Pay $500K/yr

Horner G6S Mercenary Inc., seen here, taking out a base in March of this year known to house members of ISIS.

G6S Mercenary Inc. taking out a base in March of this year known to house members of ISIS. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Phoenix, AZ — An up-and-coming militant organization, Horner G6S Mercenary Incorporated, or simply known as G6S, which has known ties to the U.S. military, says it is now aggressively hiring the general public for the specific purpose of killing those affiliated with the Islamic State. The company is offering a mind-blowing starting pay of $500,000 dollars per year regardless of your history or previous background. Their only requirement, is you kill members of ISIS. Lots and lots of them.

G6S, owned and operated by 35-year-old Paul Horner of Phoenix, Arizona, spoke with MSNBC today and complained of President Barack Obama’s handling of the situation with ISIS.

“That Muslim president of ours is not doing enough to put an end to ISIS, and for obvious reasons, he’s Muslim. Well, that will all change with what we are accomplishing over there in the Islamic State. We’ll be glad to pick up the slack of Obama to protect this country like any real president should.”

Gwen Hawkins, who recently signed up with G6S back in May, told CNN that she is ready to die for her country.


“I’d honestly settle for being a human hostage bomb. Pop a bomb inside my stomach, point me in the proper direction toward getting captured, and then detonate once inside. It’d solve my problem of having a depressing and mundane life and would probably lead to an acceleration of earnings that I could only obtain via a life insurance policy, which I’m not eligible for given my medical history. That money would help my friends and family more than I ever could. Actually, I’ll have to talk to G65’s human resource department to see if they would be willing to pay me extra for something like this or at least ensure that my income would be distributed appropriately.”

Jason McKay, who signed up for G6S last month, and received his complimentary iPhone 6, told Fox News he will be injecting himself with the Ebola virus, purposely captured by the Islamic State and inflict as many casualties as possible.

“I will be injecting myself with Ebola and then apprehended by Isis so I can laugh as they get splattered in my toxic blood as the cut off my head. Also, I am a pilot who will attempt to spread the Ebola virus by air and also cover their skies with poisonous chemtrails.”

G6S operative Michael D. Adams told reporters he force feeds bacon to captured members of ISIS since the teachings of the Quran do not allow it.

“Threatening those scum with pork and bacon is a great way to gain important intelligence about their operations before we slaughter them.”

At a press conference in Phoenix on Monday, Horner was more than happy to explain purpose of his organization.


“What we are doing is good versus evil, plain and simple,” Horner told reporters. “We will be cruel to ISIS, and through our cruelty they will know who we are… And the the Islamic State will fear us. Horner continued, “ISIS ain’t got no humanity. They’re the foot soldiers of an Islamic-extremist-hating mass murdering maniac. And they need to be destroyed. And that’s why each and every son of a b*tch associated with this Islamic State, they’re going to die. We will be cruel to ISIS, and through our cruelty they will know who we are. And they will find evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered, disfigured bodies of their brothers that we leave behind us. ISIS won’t be able to help themselves but imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives. And they will be sickened by us. And they will talk about us. And they will fear us. When members of ISIS close their eyes at night and are tortured by their subconscious with the evil they have done, it will be with thoughts of us they are tortured with.”

Every day more and more individuals have been signing up for this almost certain death sentence. On a lighter note, early this month a Christian organization‘s mascot, Fappy The Anti-Mastubation Dolphin, made the journey with G6S to the Middle East. Fappy told reporters that when he is not fighting ISIS, he is traveling around the country speaking to elementary school children about the dangers and consequences of masturbation.

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Graffiti Artist Banksy Arrested In London; Identity Revealed

Banksy is Paul Horner

A mugshot taken by London Police today of Paul Horner AKA Banksy. (AR Photo/Dennis System)

London, England — The elusive graffiti artist, political activist, film director, painter and long time fugitive that for years has gone by the pseudonymous name of Banksy, was arrested early this morning by London’s Metropolitan Police. After hours of questioning and a raid of his London art studio, his true name and identity have finally been revealed.

The City of London Police say Banksy’s real name is Paul William Horner, a 36-year old male born in Liverpool, England. The BBC has confirmed this information with Banky’s PR agent Jo Brooks along with Pest Control, a website that acts as a handling service on behalf of the artist.

London Police Chief Lyndon Edwards held a press conference to answer questions about Banksy and how Horner was finally apprehended after all these years on the run.

“We had a 24-hour Anti-Graffiti Task Force monitoring different groups where Banksy was known to frequent. We received word that around 2am a group of individuals left a flat speculated to be one of Banky’s art studios. This group was followed by agents and once vandalism had occurred, we then arrested the group, 5 men total. These individuals all had ID on them except for one, and that is the one we believed to be Banksy,” Edwards said. “We then raided the studio where the group was last seen leaving from. Inside we found thousands of dollars of counterfeit money along with future projects of vandalism. We also found a passport and ID of a Paul Horner who matched the description of the man that we are currently holding.” Edwards continued, “Horner is currently being held without bail on charges of vandalism, conspiracy, racketeering and counterfeiting. We are also holding the other four individuals whose names we are not releasing at this time.”

Horner was arrested by London Police in Watford, a town and borough in Hertfordshire, England, about 17 miles northwest of central London. News of the arrest quickly prompted #FreeBanksy tweets and angry messages from people who thought that the cops should find better uses of their time.

The graffiti artist that goes by the name Space Invader told reporters he does not agree with the arrest or outing of Banksy’s identity.

“He’s just doing art, spreading joy and making political statements the best way he knows how. That is what he was doing and I hope that is what he’ll continue to do,” Invader said. “For the London Police to setup some 24-hour task force just to catch Banksy is ridiculous. I hope we hear plenty of noise from the good tax-paying citizens of London about this.”

After today’s arrest it is unclear who else will be sought in connection with Banksy’s arrest. CNN spoke with John Hawes who is Banksy’s project manager, Hawes says he is worried that charges could be brought against him as well.

“If they spent this many man-hours and brought this many charges against Banksy, I can’t imagine that he’ll be the only one to go down in all of this,” Hawes said. “All the beauty Paul Horner brought to this world, unfortunately the London Police just see it as vandalism and want to lock him up. It’s such a shame.”



Banksy’s identity was long speculated to be Robin Gunningham, a man born in Bristol, England in 1973. Known for his contempt for the government in labeling graffiti as vandalism, Banksy displays his art on public walls and even goes as far as to build physical prop pieces. He does not sell his work directly; however, art auctioneers have been known to attempt to sell his street art on location and leave the problem of its removal in the hands of the winning bidder.

Police apprehended the famous street artist while in the middle of finishing a piece about a mascot for a Christian organization named Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin.

“I’m just happy to be a part of this whole thing,” Fappy told CNN. “I’m not familiar with this Banksy character, honestly if it’s not in the Bible I probably haven’t heard of it, but if this arrest spreads awareness of the harmful effects of self-rape, then that is a good thing. Hopefully news of this ordeal will bring the much needed attention to the dangers and consequences of playing with your sin stick or ringing the Devil’s doorbell. Hopefully, God willing, one day, masturbation will be illegal and people will finally be free of playing on the Devil’s playground. To find out more about finding a cure to this deadly disease, please visit STOP Masturbation NOW.”

Banksy Arrested AKA Paul Horner

Banksy being arrested by London Police this morning. (AR Photo/Dennis System)

Local resident 27-year old Matthew Williams told reporters he was disgusted when he heard news of the arrest.

“What a waste of taxpayers money. Wouldn’t it be better spent fighting the war against drugs or violence ? What harm has this man done except produce beautiful thought provoking artwork? The counterfeit money thing has either been planted or its part if his art and not actual real counterfeit cash.” Williams continued, “This is just another move by the Five-Oh to crush anything good and free. People need to work out what side they’re on and if they’re on the side of beauty and freedom, they need to start fighting back. There are simply not enough heroes like Banksy to do it for you. I hope this blows up in the cops’ faces and the rest of the government as well.”

One Of The More Memorable Quotes By Banksy

“People are taking the piss out of you everyday. They butt into your life, take a cheap shot at you and then disappear. They leer at you from tall buildings and make you feel small. They make flippant comments from buses that imply you’re not sexy enough and that all the fun is happening somewhere else. They are on TV making your girlfriend feel inadequate. They have access to the most sophisticated technology the world has ever seen and they bully you with it. They are The Advertisers and they are laughing at you. You, however, are forbidden to touch them. Trademarks, intellectual property rights and copyright law mean advertisers can say what they like wherever they like with total impunity.

F*ck that. Any advert in a public space that gives you no choice whether you see it or not is yours. It’s yours to take, re-arrange and re-use. You can do whatever you like with it. Asking for permission is like asking to keep a rock someone just threw at your head.

You owe the companies nothing. Less than nothing, you especially don’t owe them any courtesy. They owe you. They have re-arranged the world to put themselves in front of you. They never asked for your permission, don’t even start asking for theirs.”

banksy-paul-horner

A black and white image created from the documentary “Exit Through The Gift Shop” along with an autograph from Banksy. (AR Photo/Dennis System)

In 2011, Banksy was a no-show to accept his Oscar for his documentary Exit The Gift Shop, though his artwork was seen all over Hollywood in days leading up to the awards.

As soon as news of the arrest was made, the City of London Police say they began receiving dozens of phone calls from people either claiming to be Banksy, or claiming to be with him. As of 6 PM London time, hundreds of people were gathered outside the London Police Department chanting “I’m Banksy!” and holding signs demanding his release. Various local news stations have reported witnessing the crowd parting for a blind woman who attempted to turn herself into authorities claiming that she was in fact the real Banksy.

Horner was born in Liverpool is a city in Merseyside, England, on the eastern side of the Mersey Estuary. Horner is currently being held without bail on charges of graffiti, public vandalism, criminal mischief, public indecency, resisting arrest, money laundering, criminal conspiracy and racketeering. More charges may follow. Anyone with more information on criminal charges that could be used against Horner, London Police working alongside with the F.B.I. have setup a 24-hour hotline at (785) 273-0325.

Graffiti Artist Banksy Arrested In London; Identity Revealed



The Big Lewbowski 2 Announced: Filming Begins January 2015

The Big Lewbowski 2

The Big Lebowski 2 has been announced starring Jeff Bridges, John Goodman and Bill Murray.

Hollywood, CA — Exciting news for Big Lebowski fans around the world as a sequel to the cult classic has just been announced.

Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, directors of the first Lebowski movie, confirmed with E! Online they will both be returning to direct the sequel.

“We’re thrilled to be coming back to film a second part to this classic movie,” Ethan Coen said. “For years we’ve been staying away from doing this project but when we received this new script and the cast fell into place, it was a no-brainer. We just had to do it.”

Gage Luce, who helped write the new script, spoke with CNN to shed light on the plot behind the highly anticipated sequel.

“Now 17 years later, Maude Lewbowski (played by Julianne Moore) informs The Dude (Jeff Bridges) that they conceived a son together and that he has been kidnapped. The Dude teams up with his estranged brother, played by actor Bill Murray, and fellow bowling partner Walter Sobchak (John Goodman) to track down the child’s whereabouts.”

Murray spoke with TMZ and said he is excited to play a main character in the upcoming Lebowski sequel.

“I always loved the first movie, so when the Coen brothers approached me and offered me the role of The Dude’s long lost brother, I couldn’t say no,” Murray said. “I’ve been fortunate enough to read the entire screenplay and I can say without a doubt old and new fans are going be in for a real treat.” Murray continued, “I’m embarrassed to say that I thought I was working with the Coen brothers when I voiced the Garfield movie back in 2004, but that turned out to be Joel Cohen and not Joel Coen. At least I know I’m working with the right Coen brothers this time.”

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