Archives for September 2012

Mitt Romney’s Economic Plan Unveiled Today In Washington

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/29/2012 6:00:14 PM PDT

Mitt Romney laid out his groundbreaking economic plan to fix the economy at a press conference today in Washington.Washington, DC — Mitt Romney held a press conference today to announce his full-proof plan to fix the economy once in office. “We can completely eliminate poverty and most of the lower class just by simply lowering the requirements to be in the middle class,” Romney told reporters. “Being part of the middle class usually means your household as a whole makes an annual income of $50-$100k a year. By decreasing this number to only $4-$5k a year, that means there would no longer be a lower class. Problem solved.”

Paul Horner who is a senior political analyst for FOX News said that he is glad Romney finally unveiled his economic plans for recovery and approves of his message. “Up to this point is has been unclear of Romney’s exact plans to fix the economy,” said Horner. “But after these genius ideas of his today, I can see our current recession ending immediately and the United States returning to the super power it once was.” Horner continued, “Can you imagine a United States with almost 95% less of a lower class and the economy rebounding virtually overnight? We would once again return to the great country that we used to be when George Bush was in office.”

Romney spoke about the current state of the nation’s poor and his plans to fix the economy. “Obama wants to give the lower class free everything for the rest of their lives. He wants to keep them at that poverty level, where they feel they are entitled to housing, food, health care, you name it. But not me, I want to help them,” Romney said. “I say empower these individuals with that feeling of accomplishment. They will join the ranks of the working middle class and will have no problem paying for all the stuff they were receiving for free when they were at those old poverty levels.”

Walter White who is the campaign manager for Romney agrees with the new plans laid out by the presidential nominee. “It’s absolutely brilliant! Overnight Romney will eliminate trillions of dollars that is currently being wasted on programs meant for just the lower class. Imagine how much more useful that money would be in spending it on things like wars?” White continued, “Wars aren’t cheap and with all the extra funds collected from Romney’s economic plan it would ensure that we could bomb any country we wanted to without a moments notice. How cool would that be?”

36-year old Becky Lynn Daniels from Dequincy, Louisiana has been on disability since 2003 after a car accident paralyzed her from the waist down. She told reporters that she is excited about possibly joining the ranks of the middle class. “Before with all the handouts I was receiving, I was just barely getting by. I was definitely part of the lower class. I was in a wheel chair and I couldn’t work,” Daniels said. “But if I could join the middle class, I think I would finally have a chance to succeed in life. I could see myself getting a job as a ticket-taker at a movie theater or something. It might be hard to pay for rent, utilities, food, transportation, clothing, doctor bills and medications, but I know Mr. Romney would be there rooting for me.” Daniels paused and visibly shed a tear,”Mitt Romney is truly a great and compassionate man.”

  • Mitt Romney’s New Economic Plan 24-Hour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

Mitt Romney Inspires 47% Of Americans Not To Be Losers Anymore

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/18/2012 6:00:11 PM PDT

Mitt Romney is inspiring 47% of America not to be losers anymoreWashington, D.C. — A video surfaced the other day from a private fund-raising event that was held for Mitt Romney in May of this year. The tape shows Romney describing almost half of Americans as “dependent upon government”. He said the 47% of voters who didn’t pay taxes last year will support President Obama because they believe they are “entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it”. In one segment, Romney described how his campaign is writing off “47% of the people” who will vote for Mr. Obama “no matter what.” He says they “are people who pay no income tax” and also explains “so our message of low taxes doesn’t connect”. Most people would believe these words said by Romney would infuriate the 47% of freeloaders that Romney is referring to, but in fact it has done the complete opposite. Romney has inspired people in America not to be losers anymore.

Brian Morris is a US Soldier that returned home from Iraq in February of last year after losing both of his legs. He says he can’t work now but believes Romney’s statements are life changing for him. “I haven’t been able to get a job and I’ve had to rely on my un-taxed VA benefits to survive. I’m part of the 47% of the losers in this country,” Morris said. “So I’ve been saving up my money the best I can and I’m going to buy those same type of legs that Captain Dan had in Forest Gump. They will be my magic legs in returning to work so I can prove to Mitt Romney that I’m not a loser anymore.”

Dale Jenkins from Dequincy, Louisiana said he had a revelation after he heard what Romney said. “I was just sitting there drinking a forty of King Cobra, thinking about whether to beat my wife now or go down to the bar first and then beat my wife later. At this exact moment my friend Lenny Gene Harris from down the road called me up and told me that Mitt Romney thinks we’re losers. Well, that truly inspired me. I decided right then and there that I was going to go back to school, get my GED and then I’m gonna become an astronaut.”

Dean Huls is one of ‘Romney’s losers’ but said he is trying his best to change his ways. Huls said he also supports Romney’s plan to make porn illegal. “I used to love porn. I would watch porn all day long. I didn’t have a job, I collected welfare and I paid no taxes. I was a loser.” Huls continued, “But things are different now thanks to Mr. Romney. Instead of rubbing one out, I rub the carpet in the living room for stains. Now instead of beating my meat, I got a job at a deli and beat the meat there. I get so many more activities done now since I don’t look at porn all day long. Though I’m a little edgier and don’t sleep more than 30 minutes a night, but it gives me plenty of time to work on not being a loser. One day soon, I just know it, Mr. Romney will come to my house and knock on my door. He’ll say, ‘Congratulations Dean, you’re not a loser anymore. Welcome to the club, big guy. Now you’re baller status’. That will be the happiest day of my life.”

Romney campaign promoter Mike Sanders said they’re coming out with a whole new line of t-shirts and other merchandise so you can support Romney’s cause. “We have some really great shirts now with a lot of extremely inspirational sayings. My favorite ones so far are, Every time you masturbate, Mitt Romney sheds a tear and Get a job and stop jerking off, you f*cking loser.” Sanders continued, “I think it was Mitt Romney who said it best, Cash rules everything around me, C.R.E.A.M. get the money, dollar, dollar bill y’all.”

Multimillionaire Paul Horner said he’s confused if he’s a loser or not. “I’m part of Mitt Romney’s 47% of losers. I paid zero taxes last year, but I wasn’t alone. Over 7,000 other millionaires in America paid zero taxes in 2011. About 55,000 millionaires paid a lower tax rate than millions of middle-income Americans last year and I’m pretty sure that includes Mitt Romney himself. Is Mitt Romney calling himself a loser?” Horner continued, “Maybe Mitt Romney could be a little more specific and clarify who the real losers in America exactly are. The last thing I want is Mitt Romney thinking that I’m a loser.”

Mitt Romney’s 47% Video

RELATED NEWS >> Mitt Romney Does Blackface On BET

Mitt Romney doing blackface on BET

Read full story >> HERE

Update 1/4/13
Popular vote 2012: Mitt Romney ironically gets … 47% of the vote, read more.

The Prophet Muhammad Returns: Addresses All The Bullsh*t That’s Been Happening

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/15/2012 6:00:11 PM PDT

The Prophet Muhammad returns a black womanEditors note: This article is a paid advertisement by Barack Obama and The United States Government. Super Official News is not responsible for the content on this page.

Tel Aviv, Israel — Muslims around the world are rejoicing as the Prophet Muhammad has finally returned after all these hundreds of years. The news comes as both exciting and shocking as Muslims are learning the true identity of the mysterious prophet, a large African American woman. Muhammad was originally believed to be a man that was taller than average, had a muscular build, a large forehead, a sloping nose and a thick beard, but it turns out all of that was wrong. Muhammad held a press conference this afternoon to address the bullsh*t that’s been happening in the Muslim community lately.

“This bullsh*t needs to stop right now,” said Muhammad. “Muslims killing motherf*ckas over some silly movie or a cheesy cartoon, shit ain’t right. They best needs to chill before I roll up on em’. They think they gansta? Sh*t, I’ll show em’ who’s gansta.”

When told about all the suicide bombings and the recent killings at the US Embassy in Libya, Muhammad said she did not approve. “Oh heeelll no,” Muhammad said. “What is wrong with these people? I’ll tell you what it is. They aren’t allowed to have sex till they’re married, they can’t masturbate, plus they live on piles of hot sand in the middle of a war zone. You try to make me live on a pile of sand, where it’s hot as sh*t, not allowing me to get my f*ck on or even rub on myself while bombs and explosions and sh*t are going off all the time, and then you wanna make fun of my religion too? Well, I’d probably bust a cap in a n*gga also. But still, these player haters better recognize and stop all this bullsh*t right now. Don’t make me come back here again.”

Ahmed Saed Bin Hussein Al-Nasser, a 52-year-old devout Muslim, spoke briefly to reporters answering their questions about the Muslim religion. “The Muslim faith is a religion of peace, love, acceptance and understanding,” Al-Nasser said. Though his tone quickly changed once finding out that Muhammad is actually an obese African American woman from the inner city. “I will rape and murder all of you and everyone that you know,” Al-Nasser shouted at reporters.

David Miscavige who is founder of the human rights organization ‘Religious Freedom Watch’ said people need to stop mocking the Muslim religion. “These movies and images of Muhammad are an insult to the Muslim faith,” Miscavige said. “People need to respect their beliefs, especially now that we have found out Muhammad is an overweight, African American woman from the ghetto.”

Paul Horner, a free speech advocate, said he’s happy the violence will end now that people finally know Muhammad’s true identity. “This has always been an issue about free speech. No one cares what Muslims or any other religions actually believe. People only give Muslims are hard time because they are attempting to stop free speech. Muslims need to deal with the criticism of Muhammad in a peaceful manner otherwise they will never grow and mature as a religion,” Horner said. “If they didn’t fight everything and just accepted that not everyone is going to love your religion, then no one would be making these images and movies mocking Muhammad in the first place. It’s only done because Muslims get so ridiculously sensitive about the whole thing. They think the United States Government is behind these stupid images and lame movies, when it’s actually just some random guy. If they would stop getting so emotional about everything, no one would even care in the first place, and then these images and movies would never exist.”

Muhammad ended the press conference early saying that she needed to “meet up with her baby’s daddy” and “get her drink on”. For additional information on the return of the Prophet Muhammad, please contact the 24-hour ‘Muhammad Returns With A Vengeance Hotline’ at (785) 273-0325.

‘Innocence of Muslims’, The Movie Radical Muslims Are Killing People Over

[Updated at 09-20-12 | 11:35 PM PDT] Judge refuses to order YouTube to remove anti-Islam film.

‘The X Factor’ 43-Story Tall Marble Statue Unveiled In Times Square

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/13/2012 8:00:11 PM PDT

The 43 story marble statue depicting the judges from the 'X Factor' was finally unveiled in Times Square today.New York, NY — The 43-story tall marble statue featuring the judges from ‘The X Factor’ was finally unveiled in Times Square today. The statue depicts the likenesses of Demi Lovato, Britney Spears and Simon Cowell. The statue is the brain child of Simon Cowell who is one of the controversial judges from the show and also the creator of American Idol.

Michael Bloomberg, the Mayor of New York, said he’s extremely pleased with the statue. “Who doesn’t love statues? Especially one that is 43-stories tall, features the judges from ‘The X Factor’ and is right in the middle of Times Square? This will definitely drive more tourism to our great city.”

Demi Lovato who is a judge from ‘The X Factor’ said she was not pleased with the statue. “Why isn’t the statue taller? You can barely even see this from ten miles away. Everyone needs to know the name Demi Lovato and remember it.”

Long-time New York cab driver, 52-year-old Amir Krishna Hashim, said the statue makes it extremely more difficult to get through the city now. “What is this thing that’s as tall as a skyscraper? Driving through Times Square was already impossible, now I have to look at these b*tches too?”

Paul Horner who was the artist on the project talked to reporters this afternoon and explained his thought process behind creating the statue. “It celebrates America,” Horner said. “The statue was either going to be a fat guy eating a giant hamburger riding a bull on top of Walmart and high-fiving Jesus or this. After long and careful thought I decided to go with ‘The X Factor’ statue.”

Mumia Abu-Jamal from the NAACP said he is extremely angry that African American judge L.A. Reid was excluded from the marble statue. “He’s one of the four judges on that horrible show. Why is he not in the statue too? I count three silly crackers, but no brother? The NAACP will definitely be filing a lawsuit against the city for discrimination.”

Simon Cowell was asked by reporters why L.A. Reid was not in the statue. “I guess that’s the real x-factor right there,” Cowell said. “No, actually the budget ran out for the statue and we unfortunately could not include him.”

Bloomberg finished the press conference by explaining to reporters the historic value of the statue. “This statue will be enjoyed by people in Times Square for hundreds of years to come. Even when ‘The X Factor’ gets cancelled in six months, we will still have a great reminder of what could have been.”

Clint Eastwood Takes Chair On Nationwide Comedy Tour

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/10/2012 8:00:11 AM PDT

Clint Eastwood Empty Chair Comedy TourTampa, FL — Clint Eastwood is taking his empty-chair routine from the Republican National Convention on a nationwide comedy tour. The ‘Clint Eastwood Empty Chair Comedy Tour’ will soon be coming to major cities and comedy clubs all around the country. The tour kicks off in Arizona on September 25th at Copper Blues in downtown Phoenix and ends in Dallas, Texas on November 17th.

Eastwood’s agent Paul Horner held a press conference this morning to talk to reporters about the upcoming ’empty-chair’ comedy tour. “Mr. Eastwood is extremely excited about doing this,” Horner explained. “If you thought Clint Eastwood talking to an invisible Obama at the RNC was hilarious, just wait till you see him with his chair live and uncensored.”

Long-time Clint Eastwood fan Eric Burns from Tampa said he’s looking forward to the comedy tour. “Ever since I was a little kid, Clint Eastwood has always been my hero,” Burns said. “When he was on stage at the Republican convention talking to that empty chair, it blew my f*cking mind. It was like Obama was sitting there, but at the same time he wasn’t actually sitting there. All I could think of was that this was some crazy M. Night Shyamalan type of sh*t.” Burns continued, “I live in Tampa so I can’t wait till he performs here in November. I’m buying tickets for this thing today.”

Kyle Brock who is a political adviser for Mitt Romney supports what Eastwood is doing. “Clint’s empty-chair routine at the Republican National Convention amazed everyone in attendance. Unfortunately everyone else in the real world, outside the convention, was calling him senile and his performance sad and pathetic.” Brock continued, “I think this comedy tour of his is exciting and will spread Romney’s message, whatever that may be, across the country.”

The ‘Clint Eastwood Empty Chair Comedy Tour’ begins September 25th in Phoenix, Arizona and ends November 17th in Dallas, Texas. For a complete list of dates and locations of this tour, click here. For more information please call the 24-hour Clint Eastwood Empty Chair Comedy Tour Hotline.

  • Clint Eastwood Empty Chair Comedy Tour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

[Updated at 09-15-12 | 10:56 PM PDT] Saturday Night Live agrees that my idea for a Clint Eastwood chair comedy tour would be a good idea.

Todd Akin Accepts Bill Nye’s Challenge For A Science Debate

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/01/2012 6:00:12 PM PDT

bill nye todd akin debatePetersburg, KY — In a move that is shocking the nation, Missouri Representative Todd Akin has agreed to Bill Nye’s challenge for a debate in science. The announcement was made this afternoon at a press conference held at the Creation Museum in Kentucky. “I accept Bill ‘Lies’ the Science Guy and his challenge for a debate,” Akin told reporters. “He’ll quickly learn that the word of god will always win over the word of some guy.”

The Akin/Nye feud started with Akin’s recent statements regarding “legitimate” rape and homosexuality. Akin claims that science educator Nye has angered god with a Youtube video in which he says creationism “hurts kids”. He also claims that Nye is to blame for Hurricane Issac – the deadly storm currently heading towards New Orleans.

Nye was quick to respond to Akin’s comments during a live interview Thursday on the Smithsonian Channel. Nye called Akin “a f*cking idiot” for accusing him of personally starting Hurricane Issac.

“Look, these people, they’re f*cking retarded,” Nye said. “Rape can’t cause pregnancy? Breast milk cures homosexuality? I caused a hurricane by challenging creationism? Who can possibly take these people seriously anymore?”

Nye went on to say, “It used to be these Republicans didn’t believe in global warming or evolution. That was bad enough. Now they don’t even believe in egg + sperm = baby. Where does Todd Akin think babies come from? Does he think there are separate storks for people who were raped and people who weren’t? Hey look over there! It’s the rape stork. It drops it’s babies directly at the orphanage.”

That’s when Nye offered the challenge of a science debate with Akin. “So Todd I got an offer for you. You and me. Any time. Any place. Debating science mano-a-mano. I’ll bring the facts, and you bring the Vaseline. Because your ass is gonna f*cking need it when I’m done whipping.”

“This name calling by Bill just shows his true colors,” Akin told reporters. “That’s how all these atheists are. They anger god with their gays in the military, lesbians on the Supreme Court, all this promiscuity in Hollywood and in music and on the streets. Then we have this guy Bill Nye going around saying we can’t teach the word of god to our children! Of course this angers god and that is what is causing these hurricanes.”

Akin finished the press conference by agreeing to Nye’s challenge for a debate. “Bill Nye said any place, any time. Well I’m naming the Creation Museum in Kentucky, September 15th at noon sharp. I’ll be there to debate real, legitimate science. We’ll see if Bill has the guts to show up.”

Paul Horner who is an executive at NBC has already agreed to air the debate if Nye agrees to Akin’s terms. “This will be the debate of the century,” says Horner. “Forget about the Presidential debates, I wanna see Bill Nye versus Todd Akin.”

Nye has yet to respond. The Creation Museum is located at 2800 Bullittsburg Church Rd. Petersburg, KY 41080.

RELATED NEWS >>> Accused Rapist Found Not Guilty Using ‘Todd Akin Defense’