President Obama Presents Paul Horner With Super Universe Ultimate Award For Excellence In Winning The Game

Paul Horner awardWashington, D.C. — At a press conference this morning President Barack Obama presented Paul Horner the Super Universe Ultimate Award For Excellence In Winning The Game. This prestigious award is presented once every 100 years to the most famous, powerful, successful and good looking person in the world.

Obama told reporters how proud he is to present this award to Horner. “Folks need to appreciate everything that Mr. Horner has done for mankind,” Obama said. “He is a living legend. He’s contributed so much to society and has never asked for anything in return.” Obama continued, “It’s also Mr. Horner’s 34th birthday today as well. I hope he invites me to his birthday party.”

Reporters were given a list of occupations and job titles that Horner currently holds. They are as follows:

Maryland’s $640 million Mega Millions winner
Employee for the NAACP
Owner of Horner Airlines
Obama’s presidential adviser
A member of Pat Robertson’s choir group
The president of PGF or People against Games on Facebook
A Texas billionaire
Ex-member of the Mormon religion
Protest organizer
New York Times editor
54-year-old doctor – prison escapee
Founder of the Christian group ‘God Protects Marriage’
Facebook spokesman
Police Chief of DeQuincy, Louisiana
The owner of 9Gag
Chief of Police in Austin, Texas
Campaign spokesman for Mitt Romney
Republican Congressman
Phoenix Police Department SALTS Task Force
New York Times Film Critic
Spokesman for the Church of Scientology
Mormon council of Elders
TSA supervisor
Marijuana Dispensary owner
Bill Murray’s agent
Cult leader
President of NAMBLA
Avid marijuana user
Television executive at NBC
NASA scientist
CEO and Managing Director of Ttokkyo Laboratories
Judge in Dequincy, Louisiana
Producer at Comedy Central
Four-time Tony Award winner
Hero who stopped robbery by quoting Pulp Fiction
Clint Eastwood’s agent
Statue artist in Times Square
Free speech advocate
Multimillionaire that paid zero taxes
Senior political analyst for FOX News
Top three finalists in the LAY’S® Do Us A Flavor™ Contest
Head of the DAFUQ Task Force
President of eHarmony
Head of the DEA in El Paso, Texas
President of the World
New York City Police Chief
Campaign manager for Mitt Romney
Political adviser for Governor Bobby Jindal from Louisiana
Obama’s top political adviser
Disgruntled Papa John’s employee
29-year old from Apple Valley, Minnesota
Writer for Ghostbusters 3
Arizona’s record $588 Powerball winner
Senator from Texas

Paul Horner spoke briefly to reporters before getting on his Gulfstream G650 private jet to spend his birthday with super models in Brazil. “Thug life bitches,” Horner said. “It’s all about my swag that keeps this flowin’ goin’, best believe that!”


  1. Dave Jenkins says:

    I thought I was going to win this award :(

  2. This award will get you so laid

  3. I really doubt this story is true. No one can have that many jobs all at once!

    • The guy from Fight Club had almost that many jobs… but he never really slept. Maybe this Paul Horner guy doesn’t sleep either?

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