Archives for June 2012

Details Of The 5-Year Marriage Contract Between Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes

June 30, 2012 by 46 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 06/30/2012 6:05:14 PM PDT

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes 5 year marriage contractHollywood, CA — Just hours after People magazine revealed that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are calling it quits after five years of marriage, a source from the law firm that drew up the five year marriage contract has come forward with it’s details.

The source at the law firm, who wished to remain anonymous, says the marriage between Holmes and Cruise was just for show. The sole purpose of the heterosexual marriage was done for Scientology and preventing more gay rumors from circulating about Tom Cruise. “Homosexuality is a big no-no in Scientology. There was a lot of pressure coming down on Tom to appear straight. Scientology leader David Miscavige told him he was going to have to make a decision soon. It was either the ‘church’ or his gay lifestyle, he couldn’t have both. This was a way Tom Cruise could appear straight and keep in good standings with the ‘church’. It was also a great way to get Katie Holmes more attention and a quick payday. It was a win-win for both of them.”

According to the source at the law firm, here are just a few of the conditions of the contract:

#4 – Ms. Holmes will receive $3 million per year of marriage, with a $50 million bonus at the end of the fifth year. Ms. Holmes is required to pay $10 million to Mr. Cruise if she terminates the marriage before the five years.

#7 – After 11 years if Ms. Holmes is still with Mr. Cruise, the prenup and contract will become null and void. She is then entitled to half of Cruise’s entire fortune.

#12 – Must submit to random drug testing.

#17 – $10 million bonus per offspring produced.

#43 – Attend all required Scientology courses, classes and events.

#71 – Not allowed to speak of Scientology’s teachings and happenings to the press or any friends and family.

#95 – Must be accompanied by a Scientology chaperone(s) at all times.

#132 – Smile and agree with everything that Mr. Cruise says.

#141 – Give the appearance of happiness at all times.

#157 – No gay jokes of any kind. This includes calling the movie Top Gun, gay. Referring to the union as ‘Marriage: Impossible’. Or saying that Mr. Cruise has been in ‘A Few Good Men’.

#350 – Cannot speak ill of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard or make short jokes about David Miscavige. It is preferred that the joke telling be left in the hands of Mr. Cruise.

#690 – Cannot speak to anyone about the “special” male friends of Mr. Cruise.

#750 – Must live by the rituals, practices and laws of The Galactic Federation of Planets.

#857 – Xenu outfits are to be worn at all religious ceremonies and during mating sessions for offspring.

#915 – In the rare occurrence that Xenu returns to earth or Teegeeack, Ms. Holmes must accompany Mr. Cruise on the mothership or a vessel of his choosing, or forfeit any money earned.

#1256 – $10 million bonus for a surgically attached penis.

Paul Horner who is a spokesman for the ‘Church’ of Scientology denied these claims. “I don’t know what this guy from this law firm is talking about. He’s obviously sick. He’s probably gay himself or takes a lot of pills.” Horner then went on to say, “I can tell you for a fact that this will be investigated and he will be sued. I’m sure if he wasn’t so afraid of Scientology he wouldn’t be making up all of these ridiculous claims. We would be more than happy to help him with all of his mental problems, for a small fee.”

“We’re just so glad she’s finally free,” long time Katie Holmes fan Sarah Barkins said. “I’m just so happy Scientology and Tom Cruise can’t ruin her life anymore. Plus from the way this contract sounds, it looks like she’ll be walking away with some serious loot. I just hope she didn’t get the penis attachment.”

A representative for Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes could not be reached for comment at the time of this release.

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Announced – The Big Lebowski 2: The Dude Goes To Washington

June 27, 2012 by 35 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 06/27/2012 6:00:14 AM PDT

The Big Lebowski sequelHollywood, CA — Exciting news for Big Lebowski fans everywhere has just been announced. A sequel to the 1998 cult classic is said to begin filming sometime this October.

The story centers around Jeff Bridges as Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski and Walter Sobchak who is played by John Goodman. The two have just learned that their bowling alley will be closing in exactly one week to make way for a parking garage all at the hands of a corrupt and evil land owner named Bavarian Illuminati, who is played by Bill Murray.

The pair decide to seek out the help of The Dude’s only son Mark Lebowski, played by Jesse Eisenberg, who was conceived in the first movie. The Dude’s son is now 18 years of age and just happens to be the youngest congressman in the history of the United States.

Making a return is Julianne Moore as Maude Lebowski. Also returning is Philip Seymour Hoffman as Brandt who is said to be acting as help for the “The Dude” and Walter as they make their way to Washington. In addition, accompanying the trio to D.C. is Jesus Quintana, played by John Turturro. It’s still unclear if Tara Reid will be appearing in the film. It’s rumored that the Coen brothers were so angry after she leaked the project back in 2011 that they pulled her from the film. Sources close to the film say that special guest appearances will be made by Rand and Ron Paul.


30-year-old actor Steve Middleton from Arizona, who plays one of the villains in the movie said he was so excited to be part of this highly anticipated sequel. “In the movie I play a character named Tad Stevens. He’s the tough guy in the movie, trying to give “The Dude” and Walter a hard time. Throughout the movie I wear Tapout and Affliction shirts, drive a Hummer and sport a lot of hair gel. It’s fun. To be honest this is pretty much how I am in real life so it wasn’t that big of a change for me.”

Film critic Paul Horner with the New York Times says this movie should be huge. “The extremely talented Ethan Coen and Joel Coen did the writing for this and Joel will even be directing again. This is definitely at the top of my list for most anticipated upcoming movies to see.”

The scheduled release date for “The Big Lebowski 2: The Dude Goes To Washington” is said to be sometime around the Summer of 2015.

For more Big Lebowski check out, The Little Lebowski.

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Joe Arpaio Announces New Zombie Bath Salt Task Force Called SALTS

June 26, 2012 by 16 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 06/26/2012 6:00:14 AM PDT

Sheriff Joe Arpaio Announces New Zombie Bath Salt Task Force Called SALTSPhoenix, AZ — The controversial sheriff in Arizona, Joe Arpaio, is making headlines again. This time it’s not about arresting illegal aliens, or questioning Obama’s birth certificate but stopping a possible bath salt related zombie attack in the state. Arpaio spoke with reporters this morning about his new zombie bath salt task force called SALTS.

Arpaio said, “These zombie attacks from bath salts are becoming a huge problem, not just in Arizona but around the country. It’s impossible to tell who is on them and who isn’t, so we’re stopping and questioning everyone. Any individuals suspected of being under the influence of bath salts are being arrested and quarantined.”

Officer Paul Horner, a 15-year veteran of the Phoenix Police Department detailed with the SWAT unit, will be heading up the new SALTS Task Force. He said he’s optimistic about stopping a zombie attack from happening in Arizona. “When we make a traffic stop, even if the person is not doing anything wrong, all we need now is just a gut feeling that the person or persons is on bath salts or has already transformed into a zombie. Your civil rights don’t apply when it comes to zombie attacks.”

24-year-old Phoenix resident Brandon Adams, a survivor of the DeQuincy zombie attacks, says he doesn’t support Arpaio or this new zombie bath salt task force. “It’s just one more way they are trying to take away our freedoms. These zombies mean us no harm. They take menial, hard labor jobs for little pay that most of us wouldn’t want anyway,” Adams said. “We should be trying to make friends with the zombies, not arrest them.”

81-year-old Sun City resident Ann Hardy said she’s been doing all she can to stop a possible zombie attack. “I’ve been going around to all the stores like Bed Bath and Beyond and buying up all of their bath salts. If Obama doesn’t want to do anything to prevent a zombie attack, or put rehabs in Arizona, and hates America, I think it’s up to the citizens of this great state to do what they can.”

Obama spoke briefly to reporters in Washington about the situation in Arizona. He said he was concerned about the mental health of Arpaio and some of the residents living there. “The real problem in Arizona is there’s just not enough younger folks to out-vote all the senior citizens living there. The state is overrun with angry, delusional, old white people who spend their day watching Fox News.” Obama continued, “Thankfully there is a solution to all of this. The older folks there in Arizona, that continue to vote for Joe Arpaio year after year, keeping him in office, will eventually die.”

Any information about a possible bath salt related zombie attack in your area, please contact the SALTS Task Force hotline. As always you can remain anonymous.

  • SALTS Task Force 24 Hour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

Video: The dangers of a bath salt zombie attack

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DEA Chief Dodges More Questions Friday At Her Own Mental Health Screening

June 23, 2012 by 17 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 06/23/2012 7:15:14 AM PDT

DEA Cheif Michele LeonhartWashington, DC — Under strict orders by psychiatrists and other health officials worried about DEA Chief Michele Leonhart’s mental health, the Judiciary Subcommittee met again late Friday. This time with questions a little more elementary and straightforward.

This all stemmed from Wednesday’s Subcommittee hearing where two congressman, Jared Polis and Steve Cohen, pursued almost identical lines of questioning to the head of the Drug Enforcement Administration, only to have their questions stonewalled and unanswered.

The questions on Wednesday were related to the use of marijuana and the agencies position on it’s health risks to society. Leonhart dodged questions about whether drugs like crack, cocaine, meth and heroin are worse than marijuana. She was repeatedly pressed on the relative health impacts of marijuana versus other drugs, but would not give a direct answer.

Leading the questioning on Friday was Republican Congressman Paul Horner from Arizona. Here are just a few of the excerpts from yesterday’s questioning:

Horner: “Ms. Leonhart, thank you for joining us. After your odd display of actions here on Wednesday, we all have become quite concerned about the state of your mental health. So let’s start with a few basic questions and then go from there, ok?”

Leonhart: “Ok.”

Horner: “Let me first start off by asking you if know whether the number five is greater or less than the number two?”

Leonhart: “Those are both numbers.”

Horner: “No, that is not what I’m asking you. Is the number five greater than the number two?”

Leonhart: “Those are, um… those are both prime numbers.”

Horner: “Incorrect again. Let me simplify it for you further. If Bill had five bananas and Jane had two bananas, who would have more bananas?

Leonhart: “The problem with the amount of bananas in our society really depends on supply and demand. Our administration works hand in hand with different agencies to bring the distributors and suppliers to justice.”

Horner: “Never mind, let’s move on. Ms. Leonhart, is the Holocaust worse than marijuana?”

Leonhart: “They are both problems that society has attempted to stop at one time or another.”

Horner: “What about the Black Plague, starvation, the recession, cancer, Tyler Perry, Snooki and Aids all combined into one evil force… would that evil force be worse than marijuana?”

Leonhart: “That would be bad. As for the outcome on society, I was not around during the Black Plague, but I have seen Tyler Perry and Snooki, so maybe, in my own personal opinion, marijuana might not be as bad as that.”

Congressman Horner talked to reporters after the screening and considers what happened there a big success. “Ms. Leonhart is obviously slow. She exhibits symptoms of impaired judgement, short-term memory loss and poor critical thinking. These are all the classic signs of someone high on marijuana.” Horner continued, “But she does realize that this evil force that I talked about could be worse than the marijuana that she probably uses herself. So it’s a great start.”

Reporters talked to Knoshon Mootron, a homeless man from Arizona detoxification centers, about the mental health of Leonhart. “This woman is out of her goddamn mind.” Mootron continued, “That lady is in there trying to debate that marijuana is worse than crack, cocaine, heroin and meth… and she’s in charge of the DEA? Oh my lawd, I actually heard that woman say the words “marijuana addiction,” Moontron laughs. Then Moontron went on to explain how he would run the DEA if he was in charge. “Get me up in there, shiiit. Next time those crackers up there asking me questions like that I’ll tell em’, ‘Yo! I don’t make the laws homeboys, I just enforces them.’ That’s it, that’s all she had to say. Damn.”

DEA Chief Leonhart will appear on Dancing With The Stars next month. She won’t admit if this show is worse than marijuana, but does say people that smoke marijuana are prone to deadly and addictive dances of death.

VIDEO: DEA Chief Michele Leonhart, after a possible head injury, giving it her best effort to answer questions at the Judiciary Subcommittee hearings on Wednesday

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Mitt Romney Campaign Using “Ron Paul Diversion Vehicles”

June 20, 2012 by 11 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 06/20/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT

Mitt Romney Campaign Using "Ron Paul Diversion Vehicles"Tampa, FL — In shocking news just released this morning, sources say Mitt Romney and his campaign for President are using funds to buy up what is being referred to as “Ron Paul Diversion Vehicles”. The idea is to discredit Ron Paul supporters and make them appear “crazy” and “uninformed”.

This information was leaked by an informant who says she was paid to drive around cars with “ridiculous amounts of Ron Paul advertisements“. Since she came forward this weekend, now others have too.

51 year old Bill Jenkins from Miami says he was paid $1,550 a month by Romney’s campaign to drive around his “Ron Paul Diversion Vehicle” in Tampa, Florida. He said he would get bonuses for yelling out the window of his car at school children or old people saying such things as “Investigate the Bilderberg Group” and “9/11 was an inside job.” Jenkins continued, “If anyone out there wants me to drive around a car promoting their goods or services, please contact me. I feel what I did for Mitt Romney is a great start to a possible career in this.”

Another person close to the scandal, who wished to remain anonymous said the accusations are 100% true. “Yeah, they called them diversion vehicles. We couldn’t get enough people to drive these things around. Politics are a dirty game and it’s a tough economy out there. Plus, most people are stupid and have no morals whatsoever.”

Paul Horner, a campaign spokesman for Romney, spoke briefly to reporters this morning saying that these allegations are completely false. “We’re running a fair campaign here. Obviously when someone runs for President, the nut jobs are going to come out of the wood work. That’s all this is.” Horner then went on to say, “What we need to be focusing on right now is important issues like Obama’s Birth Certificate. You like having a black Muslim running your country? What about all these gays having the same rights as others? And you’re worried about Mitt Romney buying a few vehicles to possibly deceive the American people, possibly change the outcome of the Presidential election and the future of this country? Seriously people, let’s get our priorities straight here.”

Ron Paul or any of his campaign officials could not be reached for comment at the time of this release.

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New Drug Craze Leaves 3 Teenagers Hospitalized

June 10, 2012 by 51 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 06/10/2012 5:35:14 AM PDT

5 Hour Energy drug called 5HEAustin, TX — A new drug called 5HE is putting American teens in the hospital at alarming rates. The recent incident happened Friday to  three students at the Jonestown High School in Austin, Texas.

All three students were rushed to Jonestown Memorial Hospital. Doctors say all three of them will recover but it was an extremely close call. Emergency room staff there say they have seen an increase in cases linked to 5HE or what is sometimes referred to by police as “the new LSD”.

Authorities told reporters the drug is taken orally and produces extreme euphoria and hallucinations. “The teenagers are buying large amounts of the energy drink commonly known as 5-Hour Energy,” said Police Captain Eric Roberts. “They drink five or more of these bottles at a time and because there’s only 24 hours in a day, it becomes too much energy for their bodies to handle.” Roberts continued, “Three students from Friday’s incident each had about 40 hours of energy in them, 16 hours more energy than what is actually possible in a 24 hour day.”

AJ Smith, a 12th grader at the school, said he’s tried using 5HE and told reporters about his experience. “One day after school I was hanging out at a friend’s house. They had a whole case of 5HE. So I opened five of them and drank them all at once. Soon I blasted off somewhere else. My soul was tasting and hearing colors. I was swimming in love. There were these beings of light telling me that everything was going to be alright and that I shouldn’t fall into amazement. They told me that there is nothing to ever be afraid of and that life is all just a ride. There was no time or space. I could have been there for a billion years or one minute. Yeah, it’s pretty awesome.”

Not so awesome for Meagan Graff though, who was one of the three students who overdosed from 5HE on Friday. Friends say she drank eight 5-Hour Energy drinks. “That equals 40 hours of energy. There is just not enough hours in the day,” sobs Becky Winters, a long time friend of the girl.

The Chief of Police in Austin, Paul Horner, believes the entire incident could easily have been prevented. “It’s just too much energy for the body to handle in a 24 hour period,” says Horner. “Some of these kids are now actually smoking 5-Hour Energy to get even more energy. The lengths that these junkies will go to never ceases to amaze me.”

Most stores in Austin have now banned the sale of 5-Hour Energy or limited purchases to two drinks or less. Dale Evans a store clerk at Fiesta Mart told reporters that with all the recent bans on 5HE he says kids have been getting pretty desperate these days to get their fix. “Sometimes we’ll see homeless people in here trying to buy 5-Hour Energy for the kids. We know what they’re up to.”

Paul Horner ended the press conference by stating to reporters, “I have a message out there for anyone selling 5-Hour Energy. If people are dying because of your LSD that you’re selling, you will be charged with murder whether you like it or not. There’s not going to be anymore funny business around here, not on my watch.”

Even though most states have now banned the sale of 5-Hour Energy, Texas is not one of them. With this recent tragedy though, Texas lawmakers say a bill is currently being drafted and should be in front of members of congress for a vote as soon as Thursday.

Dave Martin, Principle at Jonestown High School in Austin, said the school will be closed Monday and grief counselors will be available to students and families.

NOTE FROM SUPER OFFICIAL NEWS: The purpose of this story was to make light of that cannibalistic episode in Miami where idiot cops called bath salts the “new LSD”. Their purpose was to cause fear in the country… and guess what? They did. And guess what else? The guy who ate that homeless man’s face off wasn’t on bath salts, they only found marijuana in his system. Also, I had just performed stand-up comedy with a joke about 5-Hour Energy a few days before this. Plus the 5HE drug trip I describe in the story is actually about DMT (check that out). So that’s where this story derives from. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the 13 kids that have lost their lives to this energy drink.

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Gay Zombie Attack In Louisiana From Bath Salts Leaves 7 Dead

June 2, 2012 by 195 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 06/02/2012 11:03:17 AM PDT

New Zombie Attack From Bath Salts in Louisiana: Leaves 7 DeadDeQuincy, Louisiana — Reports are coming in about a new zombie attack that has just occurred, this time happening in a small town in Louisiana. The massacre happened this morning, leaving 7 dead and 6 badly wounded. This all comes just days after the previous zombie attack which occurred in Miami after a naked man chewed the face off another individual. The zombie attack in Miami is being blamed on a drug called bath salts. It appears the attack today is drug related also.

This new zombie attack appears to have started when a priest from the Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy had given one of it’s alter boys, 23 year old Brandon Adams, too much bath salts.

Tom Hardly a 27 year veteran priest for the church said, “I just gave the boy the normal dose of bath salts that any other priest would give to one of their alter boys. I didn’t know Brandon would just snap like that. I’m lucky to be alive.”

When asked why the priests there give the alter boys bath salts, Hardly responded, “We give them the bath salts because it helps them fight the gay away. There is nothing worse in life than a homosexual. Well, maybe a flesh eating zombie, I don’t know, that’s a close one.” Hardly continued, “Brandon was the cutest of all the alter boys. This last batch of bath salts must have been bad or something because when I was trying to get him on his knees to beg for a load of my forgiveness, he growled at me, then he tried biting me, but not in a good way. Zombies are scary.”

The church was packed with people at the time of the incident. Adams is reported to have suddenly started leaping through the pews, row by row, ravishing any face and body that he could find.

“Oh lawd, it was just horrible,” says Betty Johnson a choir singer for the Holy Lovers Methodist Church. “He had an appetite the lord couldn’t fulfill. I think he was possessed by Satan himself,” she continued, “Plus he was only chewing the men’s faces off I noticed, not any females. If I had to guess Brandon is probably a homosexual. So along with the whole human eating zombie thing going on today, he’ll also be burning in hell for eternity because of his homosexual actions. Our loving lord and father can forgive being a flesh eating zombie, but homosexuality is a big no-no.”

Police Chief Paul Horner from DeQuincy called these bath salts the new LSD. “It’s a scare tactic we use to demonize drugs like LSD. If we scare the kids enough, then maybe they’ll be too scared to ever come out of their houses and think for themselves. I’ll be honest with you, bath salts are nothing like LSD, but hey, the media will print anything we say,” Horner laughs, “Journalists are a bunch of idiots. I’ve taken my fair share of acid back in the 60’s. I don’t ever remember wanting to eat someone’s face off, but hey, that’s just me. Call me old school I guess.”

The Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy has been criticized in the past for giving it’s alter boys bath salts. Spokeswoman for the church Barbara Smith said, “We are seriously looking into this matter and will be making a decision shortly. Our hearts go out to the family members involved in this horrible tragedy. I just want to say a word to the grieving parents out there. Word.”

Before leaving behind all the carnage at the scene of the crime, Brandon Adams set fire to the church and then exploded through the burning church doors, something like out of a horror movie witnesses say. Luckily everyone except the 7 dead victims made it out alive.

Police say that Brandon Adams is still on the run. They are unaware if he has any more bath salts in his possession. Police are saying that if he is spotted to not approach him and instead contact the authorities. Anyone having information about his whereabouts are urged to contact The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line. As always you can remain anonymous.

The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line: (785) 273-0325

[Updated at 11:15 AM PDT] Exclusive video just obtained by Super Official News shows police and firemen battling the flames at The Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy. The death toll now stands at 7. The number of known injuries is 6. Their conditions are not known at this time. Brandon Adams is still at large.

[Updated at 2:54 PM PDT] The National Guard and other military forces are now in DeQuincy. The FBI and local law enforcement agencies are on the ground too. The town of DeQuincy has been sealed off and quarantined. Lieutenant Colonel Franklin with The National Guard said that over 45% of the town’s residents are now zombies. Friends and family members of anyone in DeQuincy are urged to call The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line (785) 273-0325 for information as it becomes available.

[Updated at 4:20 PM PDT] The Mayor of DeQuincy is said to be holed up in a safe house 50 miles out of town. He said this to reporters this afternoon, “Let The National Guard and military do it’s job. They are telling me that over %70 of everyone in DeQuincy is now a zombie. They warn us that these zombies will post on forums and message boards, telling others that nothing is wrong in the town, attempting to lure them into the town so they can dine on their flesh. DON’T FALL FOR THEIR TRICKS! Stay away from DeQuincy until this matter is resolved. God save DeQuincy!”

[Updated at 5:25 PM PDT] Resistance groups are fighting against the zombies but are making little head way. One of the groups, The Resistance For Life, are saying there’s just too many zombies to fight off and they are out numbered.

New Zombie Attack From Bath Salts in Louisiana: Leaves 7 Dead

[Updated at 7:15 PM PDT] Colonel Franklin made a statement saying, “I can confirm that roughly 85% of the population here has been infected. We still have not found the original zombie, Brandon Adams. Unless the resistance can stop and kill the infection, we will have to neutralize the town. Please stay away from DeQuincy. God save us all.”

[Updated at 8:01 PM PDT] So far Bob from the resistance and the Peacock are reported to be safe.

[Updated at 8:28 PM PDT] Colonel Franklin spoke to reporters, “Supplies are dwindling. Items currently needed are water, food, weapons, zombie rounds and any animals that can be used as bait to lure the zombies out of their hiding spots. Please call The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line (785) 273-0325 for more information and how to donate.”

[Updated at 12:54 AM PDT] Colonel Franklin spoke one last time to reporters before heading back to Washington, “It is my deepest regret to inform you all that the town of DeQuincy has been vaporized. We had no other options. The resistance failed and the zombies had complete control of the town. DeQuincy is now just a crater of dirt, which in my opinion is an improvement from what it was before. My thoughts and prayers go out to all the families and friends, blah, blah, blah, yada yada yada. Our government won’t tolerate gay zombie terrorists on bath salts from this day forward. A precedent has been set here today. God bless America!”

Image of the bomb that destroyed DeQuincy Louisiana from the zombie attack from bath salts

[Updated at 7:16 AM PDT] Bob from the resistance and the peacock made it out of DeQuincy safely before the bombing began. Bob says he plans to raise llamas and build a memorial wall dedicated to those who lost their lives at DeQuincy.

[Updated at 06-10-12 | 7:07 PM PDT] The Mayor of DeQuincy made a statement to reporters this evening about the zombie apocalypse that almost occurred. “When it comes to DeQuincy, zombies don’t care what you look like. They don’t care how dumb and ignorant you are. They don’t care if you’re related or not. They don’t care how inbred you may be. They don’t care how many sheep or other farm animals you have sex with on a daily basis. They don’t care if you are fat, have no teeth, balding, or smell really bad. They don’t care if your IQ is under 70. They don’t care if you use soap or shower. They don’t care how much you hate gay people while at the same time probably being a closet homosexual yourself. They don’t care how much you hate minorities. They don’t care how intolerant of other cultures you are or how badly you want to bomb their country. They don’t care if you are a Creationist who thinks the Earth is only 6,000 years old. They don’t care if you can read or write. They don’t even care how badly you beat your wife. The fact of the matter is zombies just don’t care how backwards and out of touch you are with society, they only care about how good your face tastes. So that’s why it’s a good thing the government was able to get in there, vaporize the town and save DeQuincy before it got any worse.”

[Updated at 06-10-12 | 9:14 PM PDT] Ford Motor Company is proud to announce their new line of zombie proof cars being built specifically for the townspeople of DeQuincy. These cars make it easy to get around town while at the same time hiding from any zombies that still may be lurking in the shadows.

Image of the new zombie proof cars for DeQuincy

[Updated at 06-16-12 | 11:28 AM PDT] New music video for DeQuincy about the dangers of doing bath salts and then turning into a zombie.

[Updated at 07-01-12 | 10:55 PM PDT] Now that the zombies have completely taken over what is left of Dequincy, the homeless there have been forced to take drastic measures.

Zombie bath salts

[Updated at 08-10-12 | 4:17 PM PDT] The zombies have begun to rebuild in Dequincy. Here are ad campaigns for the new Subway and McDonald’s that have just finished being built in the center of town.

Zombie bath salts

Zombie McDonalds

[Updated at 06-05-12 | 6:14 AM PDT] A new zombie attack from bath salts in Louisiana. This time happening in Lafayette Parish, Louisiana.

[Updated at 06-12-12 | 5:27 PM PDT] The nonprofit organization Neighbors 4 Neighbors is accepting donations on behalf of Ronald Poppo, the man who’s face was eaten by a zombie in Florida on May 26th. They can be reached at (305) 597-4404. Jackson Memorial is also accepting donations via check at the following address:

Jackson Memorial Foundation
Park Plaza East
Suite G
901 NW 17th Street
Miami, FL 33136

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