Archives for November 2012

Arizona’s $588 Million Powerball Winner Comes Forward

November 30, 2012 by 61 Comments

Paul Horner from Arizona is the world record Powerball $588 million winner.Phoenix, AZ— This morning lottery officials were pleased to announce that one of the two winners in last night’s Powerball drawing has come forward. That lucky person is Paul Horner from Fountain Hills, Arizona. He is one of the two winners in Wednesday’s record $588 million Powerball jackpot. Mr. Horner won by correctly matching all five numbers and then also the Powerball.

Mr. Horner was ecstatic when he arrived at the Phoenix Lottery Office this morning says lottery official Debbie Arnette. “He had a smile from ear to ear. He was screaming at the top of his lungs that he had won, it was quite a sight to see,” Arnette says. “Then after we verified the winning ticket and finalized everything, we learned that Mr. Horner was homeless. He said the night before he had been sleeping on a park bench and was begging for change.” Arnette continued, “He told us that his wife had left him and took the kids to Wyoming after he lost his job at a meat packing factory in Phoenix last January. It made me tear up, what can I say, I’m a softy. This will truly be a rags to riches story.”

Horner talked to reporters telling them of his plans for his new found wealth and how he had picked the winning numbers. “First of all, I hope my wife will take me back and I can be with my kids again. That’s really all I want,” Horner said. “I’ve seen first hand how it is out there on the streets. I plan to give a lot of that money back to help others in need.” Horner continued, “As for how I picked the numbers, it was really easy. My youngest son Tim is five years old, my daughter Stephanie is 16, I married my wife when I was 22 and she was 23, and the 29th is the date when I planned to win all these millions,” Horner laughs for a moment, but that laughter quickly turns to tears. “And the number 6 is how many kids my wife and I had planned to have before she left me.”

“He came in smelling of malt liquor and a strong odor of what I believe to be marijuana,” says 41-year-old Monica Lanter who was at the Phoenix Lottery Office when Horner arrived with the winning ticket. “I heard one of the employees ask Mr. Horner if he was going to have a $500 million crack party, just like that one episode from the Chappelle Show. I didn’t think that was very nice or funny whatsoever.”

The winning numbers in last night’s drawing were 5-16-22-23-29 with a Powerball of 6. A total of two winning tickets were sold in the November 28th Powerball drawing. The other winning ticket, besides the one Mr. Horner purchased in Arizona, is from the state of Missouri. The winners from Missouri came forward earlier today. The odds of winning last night’s Powerball drawing were 1 in 175,223,510.00. The Phoenix Lottery Office is located at 4740 E. University Dr., Phoenix, AZ 85034 and is open Monday – Friday, except holidays, from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.

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Bill Murray Signs On For Ghostbusters 3

November 23, 2012 by 39 Comments

Bill Murray signed on for Ghostbusters 3Hollywood, CA — Ghostbuster’s fans around the world are celebrating as it has just been confirmed by Hollywood.com that Bill Murray has signed on to do Ghostbusters 3.

For years it has been unclear whether Murray would be joining the rest of the cast, which includes Harold Ramis as Dr. Egon Spengler and Dan Aykroyd as Dr. Raymond Stantz, or even if the movie would ever be made at all. In September on the red carpet at “Hyde Park on Hudson” Bill Murray admitted there was another Ghostbuster’s script in the works and that he was considering it.

Ramis told reporters how he had received word that Murray was agreeing to the project. “Yeah, it was kind of crazy,” Ramis said. “Just out of nowhere, I get a phone call from Bill at almost three in the morning on Thursday and he simply said, ‘Yeah, ok, I’m in’. That’s Bill Murray for you. Surprising and straight to the point.” Ramis continued, “Bill also said a major factor in his decision to do the movie had been all the support he received from fans during his 29 city ‘Party Crashing Tour‘ earlier this year.”

26-year-old Kaiser Solzie attended one of the parties that Murray appeared at during the tour. “In Austin I actually got to talk with him for a few minutes, what a cool guy,” Solzie says. “I said Ghostbusters 3 wouldn’t be the same without you. He told me if he did decide to do it, I could have a role in the movie.” Solzie laughs, “Now that Bill is doing the movie I sure hope he doesn’t forget what he said to me.”


Paul Horner who is one of the co-writers that assisted Etan Cohen in writing the script had heard that Murray could possibly be a part of the third movie. “Word through the grapevine was that Murray enjoyed reading our script that was passed along to him a few months ago. As for if he was going to be a part of it, well that was the million-dollar question,” Horner said. “The writers, the cast, the fans… everyone is truly excited for this to have finally all come together.”

Ivan Reitman, who directed Ghostbusters 1 & 2, will return once again to direct this highly anticipated film. Returning stars from the original movie are Sigourney Weaver as Dana Barrett and it’s said Rick Moranis could come out of retirement to perform as Louis Tully. Possible new faces for the project are Ashton Kutcher, Seth Rogen and Vincent Kartheiser.

Shooting for Ghostbusters 3 is said to begin in the fall of 2013, but now with Murray on board, filming for the movie could start as soon as February of next year.

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Obama Declares December National Gay Guy Appreciation Month

November 17, 2012 by 7 Comments

Obama announcing December as 'National Gay Guy Appreciation' MonthWashington, DC — President Obama held a press conference today to announce that he is declaring the month of December ‘National Gay Guy Appreciation Month’. “I probably would have never met my beautiful wife of 19 years if there were gay guys in the playing field. They stay away from females and make our job as men easier,” Obama told reporters. “Thank you to all the gay men in this world from the bottom of my heart.”

Eric Burns a Scientist at Bell Labs said if all gay men suddenly turned straight our society would cease to exist. “Gay men keep other gay men away from the female gender. If suddenly these gay men were to turn straight, there would not be enough females to go around, it would be complete chaos,” Burns said. “No males would go to work. They would end up wandering the streets for eternity searching for a female partner, which they never would find. Cities would crumble, Nations would collapse, Empires would fall.”

29-year old Paul Horner from Apple Valley, Minnesota said he is pleased with the president’s decision to hold a month just to celebrate gay guys. “At least 90% of gay dudes are better looking than me,” said Horner. “If suddenly they all turned straight, no way would I ever get laid. I barely get laid as it is.” Horner continued, “Without gay guys, my monthly expenses for hookers and hand lotion would go through the roof. Thank you gay guys.”

Billy Jo Williams from Dequincy, Louisiana told reporters he’s happy with president Obama’s decision. “Hell yes I’m grateful for all those queers,” Williams said. “With all those dudes off the market, I get my d*ck wet so much, you can’t even imagine. Thank you gay guys.”

Obama finished the press conference by telling reporters how happy he was with America and how far it has come since it’s inception. “Folks, there is no way we could have had a ‘National Gay Guy Appreciation Month’ 20 years ago. That really says a lot about the growth and progress of this great country.”

‘National Gay Guy Appreciation Month’ begins December 1st and will end at midnight on December 31st. For any questions or comments please contact the 24-hour National Gay Guy Appreciation Hotline at (785) 273-0325.

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Papa John’s Apologizes: Offers One Free Large Pizza Per Household Till The End Of The Year

November 16, 2012 by 11 Comments

Papa John's mansion - Free Pizza coupon offerLouisville, KY — Papa John’s owner John Schnatter held a press conference today at his mansion in a wealthy country club suburb of Louisville to announce that he was reversing his decision to raise prices on his pizza. He also said he was not going to cut any hours of his employees or lower their wages. “I was frustrated that Mitt Romney lost the election and also some personal issues I was having in the bedroom. I took my anger out on my employees and for that I’m truly sorry,” Schnatter told reporters. “Prices of our delicious pizza will stay the same, employees will keep their wages and hours, and now all our amazing employees will have healthcare. It’s a win-win for everyone,” Schnatter said. “I hope the American people can forgive me. Enjoy a free large pizza on me!”

The controversy began with comments made by Schnatter saying that he would raise prices and cut employees’ hours and wages to pay for costs associated with the Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare.

“Schnatter was just being another greedy corporate a*shole,” says long-time Papa John’s employee Paul Horner. “People were already starting to boycott our store. They would call us up, not to order a pizza but to tell us to ‘f*uck off’, like it’s my fault or something.” Horner continued, “At least he’s making this thing right before sh*t got real.”

Obamacare mandates that businesses with more than 50 workers offer an approved insurance plan or pay a penalty of $2,000 for each full-time worker over 30. Papa John’s CEO John Schnatter had previously said he would raise the price of his pizzas by 10-14 cents and cut the hours of some employees to put them below the eligibility threshold for health care. Analysis by Caleb Melby of Forbes found that the price increase would actually be closer 3.4 to 3.6 cents per pizza.

Schnatter ended the press conference by stating he hopes others that said they would raise prices will reverse their decision too. “I hope restaurants like Applebee’s and Denny’s will follow my lead and drop their plan to raise prices because of Obamacare,” said Schnatter. “I’ve learned it’s just not worth it in the long run. It only hurts our employees, the hard working men and women of this great country. Let’s all come together and make this thing right.”

Papa John's Free Large Pizza Coupon
[UPDATE: 01-25-13] CNN confirms Papa John’s CEO John Schnatter was lying about ObamaCare price increases

[UPDATE: 03-15-13] 50% off pizza at Papa John’s with the code 50PIZZA. Now you can buy twice as much crappy pizza.

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Obama Allows Texas To Secede From The Union

November 16, 2012 by 40 Comments

Texas to secede from UnionWashington, D.C. — Obama held a press conference this morning to announce that he has granted Governor Rick Perry and the state of Texas their request to secede from the Union. This effect will take place December 31st, 2012 at midnight. Texas is the first state to secede from the Union. 20 more states are currently requesting secession.

Obama told reporters that he will be sad to see Texas go but said his administration won’t stand in the way of their happiness. “They will be missed, but if this is what they truly want, I wish them all the best,” Obama said.

Eric Burns who heads up The Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality spoke to reporters about the current economic state of Texas. “Texas secessionists claim their state to be one of the largest and because of this the most capable of maintaining independence, yet Texas remains one of the poorest states in the nation,” Burns said. “Almost one in four Texans are uninsured. The state ranks worst in the nation for health care delivery and this isn’t even including the nearly 4 million Texans relying on federal nutrition assistance. It’s going to be a mess for them once they secede in January.”

Paul Horner, Obama’s top political adviser, said he’s confused with Texas and their decision to secede. “I’m not sure if they are aware of this but the government maintains relations with other countries, runs the Army, Navy, Air Force, Border Patrol and Customs, all to protect this country. They also provide food stamps and welfare among many other things, all of which they will no longer receive,” Horner said. “Governor Perry accepted $17.4 billion in stimulus packages from the government last year that of course we expect to be returned. The USDA farm subsidies in Texas have received $25.9 billion in federal funds from 1995-2011, so that won’t be happening anymore.” Horner continued, “Texas, you’re all good to go and join Mexico, just let us check your pockets first.”

Marsellus Wallace who is a spokesman for the president had one last thing to say before ending the press conference. “What now? I tell you what happens now between the United States and Texas. There is no United States and Texas. Not no more,” Wallace said. “Texas, you leave town January 1st, and when you’re gone, you stay gone, or you be gone. You lost all your United States privileges.”

Obama's letter to Texas to Secede

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New Law Allows Pregnant Women To Use Carpool Lane In Louisiana

November 11, 2012 by 9 Comments

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal held a press conference today to announce new carpool laws for pregnant woman.Dequincy, LA — The Governor of Louisiana Bobby Jindal held a press conference today to announce new carpool laws for pregnant women that take effect beginning December 1st, 2012. Pregnant women, driving alone, now legally count as two people and will have full access to all carpool and HOV lanes.

Jindal explained the groundbreaking new law to reporters. “Women that are pregnant will now legally be able to drive in any carpool or HOV lane in Louisiana,” Jindal said. “That fetus in the woman is a human being so it counts as two people in the car. We encourage other states to follow our example.”

Louisiana has the strictest rules in the country against abortion, according to NARAL. Ninety-two percent of Louisiana counties currently don’t have an abortion provider. State health officials are allowed to suspend the license of outpatient abortion facilities for as little as one violation. Louisiana law subjects women seeking abortion services to biased-counseling requirements and mandatory delays.

Long time resident Brandon Adams from Dequincy told reporters that he doesn’t agree with the new law. “I always drive in the carpool lane if I’m alone or with a buddy,” Adams said. “It’s a lot tougher to drive in the normal lanes when you’ve been drinking and now I’m going to have to deal with all these preggos that shouldn’t even be driving in the first place.” Adams continued, “Why do they let women drive anyway? They can’t make sandwiches very easily while driving.”

Paul Horner who is pro-life and a political adviser for Jindal says he fully agrees with the new law. “Pregnant women caught driving outside of the HOV or carpool lane will be subjected to a $500 fine. Women that go against our loving god’s wishes and decide to abort their human passenger living inside of them will face much more severe consequences.” Horner continued, “At the state level, they will have their driver’s license suspended for one full year. At the ‘defying-god-soulless level’, they will bathe in a pit of hell fire for eternity.”

  • For more information please contact the 24 Hour Louisiana HOV Pregnant Hotline: (785) 273-0325
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President Obama Presents Paul Horner With Super Universe Ultimate Award For Excellence In Winning The Game

November 5, 2012 by 4 Comments

Paul Horner awardWashington, D.C. — At a press conference this morning President Barack Obama presented Paul Horner the Super Universe Ultimate Award For Excellence In Winning The Game. This prestigious award is presented once every 100 years to the most famous, powerful, successful and good looking person in the world.

Obama told reporters how proud he is to present this award to Horner. “Folks need to appreciate everything that Mr. Horner has done for mankind,” Obama said. “He is a living legend. He’s contributed so much to society and has never asked for anything in return.” Obama continued, “It’s also Mr. Horner’s 34th birthday today as well. I hope he invites me to his birthday party.”

Reporters were given a list of occupations and job titles that Horner currently holds. They are as follows:

Maryland’s $640 million Mega Millions winner
Employee for the NAACP
Owner of Horner Airlines
Obama’s presidential adviser
A member of Pat Robertson’s choir group
The president of PGF or People against Games on Facebook
A Texas billionaire
Ex-member of the Mormon religion
Protest organizer
New York Times editor
54-year-old doctor – prison escapee
Founder of the Christian group ‘God Protects Marriage’
Facebook spokesman
Police Chief of DeQuincy, Louisiana
The owner of 9Gag
Chief of Police in Austin, Texas
Campaign spokesman for Mitt Romney
Republican Congressman
Phoenix Police Department SALTS Task Force
New York Times Film Critic
Spokesman for the Church of Scientology
Mormon council of Elders
TSA supervisor
Marijuana Dispensary owner
Bill Murray’s agent
Cult leader
President of NAMBLA
Avid marijuana user
Television executive at NBC
NASA scientist
CEO and Managing Director of Ttokkyo Laboratories
Judge in Dequincy, Louisiana
Producer at Comedy Central
Four-time Tony Award winner
Hero who stopped robbery by quoting Pulp Fiction
Clint Eastwood’s agent
Statue artist in Times Square
Free speech advocate
Multimillionaire that paid zero taxes
Senior political analyst for FOX News
Top three finalists in the LAY’S® Do Us A Flavor™ Contest
Head of the DAFUQ Task Force
President of eHarmony
Head of the DEA in El Paso, Texas
President of the World
New York City Police Chief
Campaign manager for Mitt Romney
Political adviser for Governor Bobby Jindal from Louisiana
Obama’s top political adviser
Disgruntled Papa John’s employee
29-year old from Apple Valley, Minnesota
Writer for Ghostbusters 3
Arizona’s record $588 Powerball winner
Senator from Texas

Paul Horner spoke briefly to reporters before getting on his Gulfstream G650 private jet to spend his birthday with super models in Brazil. “Thug life bitches,” Horner said. “It’s all about my swag that keeps this flowin’ goin’, best believe that!”

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Mitt Romney Drops Out Of Race: Endorses Obama For President

November 3, 2012 by 5 Comments

Mitt Romney drops out of presidential raceWashington, D.C. — Mitt Romney held a press conference today to announce he is stepping down as the Republican nominee and is now endorsing Barack Obama for president. This comes as shocking news to everyone, especially the Republican Party, since the election for president is less than two days away.

Mitt Romney spoke to reporters and explained his actions. “After careful consideration I realize I have absolutely no chance of winning the presidency on Tuesday. By endorsing Obama now, I can walk away from this without completely embarrassing everyone further than I already have. That includes my family, the Mormon Religion, my supporters, the Republican Party and of course myself.” Romney continued, “Just remember, I’m the best the Republican party could come up with this election year.”

Campaign manager Paul Horner does not agree with Romney’s decision and would like to see an alternative to his actions. “I think it’s ridiculous he’s dropping out of the race just days before the election,” Horner said. “I still don’t even know what his stance on anything is, and I’m his campaign manager. I guess this will just be something to put on the ol’ resume after this is all over.” Horner continued, “I think everyone that was going to vote for him would have been on the wrong side of history, but that’s what makes history so fun and exciting!”

“America, it’s not you, it’s me,” Romney said. “I would also like to formally apologize to Big Bird and anyone else I offended during my campaign of gaffes, lies and confusion. My magic underwear can only do so many miracles.”

Republicans that promised to move to Canada if Obama won are already starting to make the journey. “Well, our family is moving to Canada tomorrow.” Garret Roach from Minnesota said. “I don’t care if it’s a socialist country and the gays run things up there. At least the president there isn’t a Muslim negro from Kenya without a birth certificate.”

Hurricane Sandy made a statement to reporters explaining how sorry it was to have come during such an important time as the presidential elections. “My timing was just really bad and I truly apologize to the American people. I made Obama look like a hero and Romney like a zero,” Sandy said. “I think Romney is being the bigger man here and dropping out before losing the last tiny little shred of dignity he had left.” Hurricane Sandy continued, “I’m part of the 1% and Romney’s tax plan would have really helped me out a lot. Sorry guys.”

Romney said his plans for the future are to bankrupt more companies, put more people out of work, build a time machine to travel back in time to live in the 1950’s and become a god of his own universe when he dies.

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