Hollywood, CA — Ghostbuster’s fans around the world are celebrating as it has just been confirmed that Bill Murray has signed on to do Ghostbusters 3.
For years it has been unclear whether Murray would be joining the rest of the cast, which includes Harold Ramis as Dr. Egon Spengler and Dan Aykroyd as Dr. Raymond Stantz, or even if the movie would ever be made at all. In September on the red carpet at “Hyde Park on Hudson” Bill Murray admitted there was another Ghostbuster’s script in the works and that he was considering it.
Ramis told reporters how he had received word that Murray was agreeing to the project. “Yeah, it was kind of crazy,” Ramis said. “Just out of nowhere, I get a phone call from Bill at almost three in the morning on Thursday and he simply said, ‘Yeah, ok, I’m in’. That’s Bill Murray for you. Surprising and straight to the point.” Ramis continued, “Bill also said a major factor in his decision to do the movie had been all the support he received from fans during his 29 city ‘Party Crashing Tour‘ earlier this year.”
26-year-old Kaiser Solzie attended one of the parties that Murray appeared at during the tour. “In Austin I actually got to talk with him for a few minutes, what a cool guy,” Solzie says. “I said Ghostbusters 3 wouldn’t be the same without you. He told me if he did decide to do it, I could have a role in the movie.” Solzie laughs, “Now that Bill is doing the movie I sure hope he doesn’t forget what he said to me.”
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Obama held a press conference this morning to announce that he has granted Governor Rick Perry and the state of Texas their request to secede from the Union. This effect will take place December 31st, 2012 at midnight. Texas is the first state to secede from the Union. 20 more states are currently requesting secession.
Obama told reporters that he will be sad to see Texas go but said his administration won’t stand in the way of their happiness. “They will be missed, but if this is what they truly want, I wish them all the best,” Obama said.
Eric Burns who heads up The Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality spoke to reporters about the current economic state of Texas. “Texas secessionists claim their state to be one of the largest and because of this the most capable of maintaining independence, yet Texas remains one of the poorest states in the nation,” Burns said. “Almost one in four Texans are uninsured. The state ranks worst in the nation for health care delivery and this isn’t even including the nearly 4 million Texans relying on federal nutrition assistance. It’s going to be a mess for them once they secede in January.”
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Santa Monica, CA — The online dating website eHarmony is proud to announce that it has purchased Mitt Romney’s binders full of women and is making them exclusively available to all of their premium members.
Paul Horner who is the president of eHarmony said he is excited to offer it’s members more options when it comes to dating. “At eHarmony we are ecstatic to have worked out a deal with the Romney camp in acquiring these binders full of women,” Horner said. “Dating and finding that perfect match is hard enough these days. But now with Romney’s binders full of women it will make it that much easier when it comes to finding your true soul mate.”
The ‘binders full of woman’ controversy occurred during Tuesday’s presidential debate in a response to a question on gender pay inequality. “I went to a number of women’s groups and said, ‘Can you help us find folks,’ and they brought us whole binders full of women,” Romney said.
Critics of eHarmony offering these binders full of women to their members say it is wrong and immoral. “These binders are meant to help these women find jobs, not be targeted by horny men on a dating site. This is just disgusting what eHarmony and Romney are doing,” 33-year old Garret Roach from Minnesota said. “After this there is no way that I would vote for Mitt Romney. Even though Obama is black, he now has my vote.”
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Washington, D.C. — A video surfaced the other day from a private fund-raising event that was held for Mitt Romney in May of this year. The tape shows Romney describing almost half of Americans as “dependent upon government”. He said the 47% of voters who didn’t pay taxes last year will support President Obama because they believe they are “entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it”. In one segment, Romney described how his campaign is writing off “47% of the people” who will vote for Mr. Obama “no matter what.” He says they “are people who pay no income tax” and also explains “so our message of low taxes doesn’t connect”. Most people would believe these words said by Romney would infuriate the 47% of losers that Romney is referring to, but in fact it has done the complete opposite. Romney has inspired people in America not to be losers anymore.
Brian Morris is a US Soldier that returned home from Iraq in February of last year after losing both of his legs. He says he can’t work now but believes Romney’s statements are life changing for him. “I haven’t been able to get a job and I’ve had to rely on my un-taxed VA benefits to survive. I’m part of the 47% of the losers in this country,” Morris said. “So I’ve been saving up my money the best I can and I’m going to buy those same type of legs that Captain Dan had in Forest Gump. They will be my magic legs in returning to work so I can prove to Mitt Romney that I’m not a loser anymore.”
Dale Jenkins from Dequincy, Louisiana said he had a revelation after he heard what Romney said. “I was just sitting there drinking a forty of King Cobra, thinking about whether to beat my wife now or go down to the bar first, and then beat my wife later. At this exact moment my friend Lenny Gene Harris from down the road called me up and told me that Mitt Romney thinks we’re losers. Well, that truly inspired me. I decided right then and there that I was gonna go back to school, get my GED and then I’m gonna become an astronaut.”
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Tampa, FL — Clint Eastwood is taking his empty-chair routine from the Republican National Convention on a nationwide comedy tour. The ‘Clint Eastwood Empty Chair Comedy Tour’ will soon be coming to major cities and comedy clubs all around the country. The tour kicks off in Arizona on September 25th at Copper Blues in downtown Phoenix and ends in Dallas, Texas on November 17th.
Eastwood’s agent Paul Horner held a press conference this morning to talk to reporters about the upcoming ’empty-chair’ comedy tour. “Mr. Eastwood is extremely excited about doing this,” Horner explained. “If you thought Clint Eastwood talking to an invisible Obama at the RNC was hilarious, just wait till you see him with his chair live and uncensored.”
Long-time Clint Eastwood fan Eric Burns from Tampa said he’s looking forward to the comedy tour. “Ever since I was a little kid, Clint Eastwood has always been my hero,” Burns said. “When he was on stage at the Republican convention talking to that empty chair, it blew my f*cking mind. It was like Obama was sitting there, but at the same time he wasn’t actually sitting there. All I could think of was that this was some crazy M. Night Shyamalan type of sh*t.” Burns continued, “I live in Tampa so I can’t wait till he performs here in November. I’m buying tickets for this thing today.”
Read more about the dates and locations of this upcoming comedy tour here
Phoenix, AZ — On Wednesday Bill Murray kicked off his 29 city party crashing tour in Phoenix, Arizona. It’s still unclear how many parties in Phoenix Mr. Murray ended up attending but one of them has been confirmed at Lawn Gnome Publishing that was thrown in his honor.
Aaron Johnson who threw the party said it was truly an amazing event. He said the huge turnout was electrifying which was all capped off by the arrival of Bill Murray. “Thanks to all of the people that made my dreams come true tonight. It was great seeing everyone having fun, singing karaoke and celebrating a living legend. The night couldn’t have gotten any better when Bill Murray actually showed up and made a quick appearance. This celebration will be remembered by all.”
Read about Bill Murray showing up in Phoenix here
New York, NY — Known to crash parties all over the New York City area, Bill Murray will soon be giving the rest of the country the same treatment. It’s unclear the exact parties that he will be attending, but if you live in any of the cities that he plans to crash, Bill Murray might just be partying with you that night.
Mr. Murray did not speak to reporters but did have his agent Paul Horner answer some of their questions and make a few statements. “Mr. Murray is looking to take a vacation around the United States. He’s hoping that if he shows up to your party with a bottle of wine or vegetable tray, you will be able to make the proper accommodations for him. This includes allowing him to sleep on your couch or in a spare bedroom, both of those options being completely acceptable.”
Read more about the dates and locations of this upcoming tour here
Hollywood, CA — Just hours after People magazine revealed that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are calling it quits after five years of marriage, a source from the law firm that drew up the five year marriage contract has come forward with it’s details.
The source at the law firm, who wished to remain anonymous, says the marriage between Holmes and Cruise was just for show. The sole purpose of the heterosexual marriage was done for Scientology and preventing more gay rumors from circulating about Tom Cruise. “Homosexuality is a big no-no in Scientology. There was a lot of pressure coming down on Tom to appear straight. Scientology leader David Miscavige told him he was going to have to make a decision soon. It was either the ‘church’ or his gay lifestyle, he couldn’t have both. This was a way Tom Cruise could appear straight and keep in good standings with the ‘church’. It was also a great way to get Katie Holmes more attention and a quick payday. It was a win-win for both of them.”
Read the details of the five year marriage contract here
Hollywood, CA — Exciting news for Big Lebowski fans everywhere has just been announced. A sequel to the 1998 cult classic is said to begin filming sometime this October.
The story centers around Jeff Bridges as Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski and Walter Sobchak who is played by John Goodman. The two have just learned that their bowling alley will be closing in exactly one week to make way for a parking garage all at the hands of a corrupt and evil land owner named Bavarian Illuminati, who is played by Bill Murray.
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Washington, DC — Under strict orders by psychiatrists and other health officials worried about DEA Chief Michele Leonhart’s mental health, the Judiciary Subcommittee met again late Friday. This time with questions a little more elementary and straightforward.
This all stemmed from Wednesday’s Judiciary Subcommittee hearing where two congressman, Jared Polis and Steve Cohen, pursued almost identical lines of questioning to the head of the Drug Enforcement Administration, only to have their questions stonewalled and unanswered.
The questions on Wednesday were related to the use of marijuana and the agencies position on it’s health risks to society. Leonhart dodged questions about whether drugs like crack, cocaine, meth and heroin are worse than marijuana. She was repeatedly pressed on the relative health impacts of marijuana versus other drugs, but would not give a direct answer.
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Silicon Valley, CA — The humor website 9Gag.com is suing Reddit.com for libel and damages in the amount of $50,000,000. That’s a five with seven zeros attached to it.
Joyce Barth, Esq., 9Gag’s head attorney says the lawsuit is definitely winnable. “The Reddit community has been destroying 9Gag since it first launched about four years ago. Reddit will use DDoS attacks on the 9Gag web server attempting to make the site crash and unviewable to it’s users. Other members of Reddit will setup fake accounts and then post images of gore, porn, and other disgusting material. They will raid the website with images of underage pornography and then their members will upvote these images to the top so it can be seen by anyone who visits the site. The owners and moderators of Reddit do nothing to stop this illegal activity. It’s just truly sickening.”
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Silicon Valley, CA. — Facebook is excited to announce that they are finally launching their gold account program. This will now be available to all of their 800 million active users at a price of $9.95 per month. Some say this is a move that has been in the works for years, others say it’s being released now due to Facebook’s declining stock price. Regardless what the reasons are, users could not be happier.
“It’s so cool! There is now all these new features in my account that I didn’t have before. I can finally dislike a comment if I want to, this makes me so happy,” says 24 year old Sarah Michaels, an avid user of Facebook for the past three years.
Facebook chief executive Mark Zuckerberg says he’s excited about the new monthly plan. “Users have been contacting us for years telling us how they would pay a monthly fee if it included special features that non paying members didn’t have access to. Well now we can offer them Facebook Gold.”
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Provo, UT — Today the lottery drawing of all lottery drawings was held in Provo, Utah. The Mormon council of elders handed down Mitt Romney’s fate for eternity, and he was not pleased.
Romney’s anger centered around a little-known fact about the Mormon religion that is unbeknownst to most people. The Mormons believe that when a man dies he becomes a god of his own universe. The man is then accompanied by a dozen or more woman who remain eternally pregnant. Romney, a lifetime Mormon and one of the religions biggest financial contributors, says he is extremely displeased with the results of today’s lottery. “This is ridiculous,” Romney said at a press conference this afternoon. “They gave me some crap universe with no life in it whatsoever. It’s made up of mostly gaseous planets, I mean there’s nothing there. It’s going to be billions of boring years before anything actually good happens. Yeah and don’t even get me started about the eternally pregnant wives I’ll be bringing with me. If anyone of those girls gets down below three hundred pounds by the time this actually happens I’ll be extremely surprised.”
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A local man is a hero today after he single-handedly stopped a couple who were attempting to rob a coffee shop. His quick thinking saved the day according to restaurant manager Ted Barkins. “He just started quoting movie lines from Pulp Fiction. The robbers kind of went berserk and then they just left.” Local hero, Paul Horner, who thwarted the would-be robbers said, “It was really lucky that I had my wallet with me that said ‘bad motherf*cker’ on it. The robbers came around demanding everybody’s wallet and I just held it up, you know like how Samuel L. Jackson did in Pulp Fiction.”
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