The Ass Press
Posted: 04/7/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT
The magazine People is pleased to announce Rick Santorum as this year’s sexiest Republican alive. This is Santorum’s first win as ‘sexiest’ and was chosen from a long list of other Republicans currently serving in office.
“I think this is fantastic,” Rick Santorum said this morning at a press conference after he was informed of being voted sexiest Republican alive. “This just proves that you don’t have to be gay to be sexy and if you are gay, well, that’s just gross.”
“He’s not afraid to get wild and crazy sometimes, just be himself,” Susan Kindle editor for People said, “He loathes gay people because of the bible but at the same time has his whole staff work on the Sabbath. According to the bible, those employees of his should be put to death! Oh man, classic Santorum! Just making it up as he goes along. Only one word for that… sexy!”
After receiving the ‘Sexiest Republican Alive’ award, Santorum spoke briefly about Iran. “They don’t have many sexy individuals over there. They are a nation full of religious zealots, that with the help of god, will be blown off the face of this planet. With god’s love and mercy, they will all burn in hell for eternity.”
Paul Horner of Louisiana said he hopes this win will eventually lead to a Presidency for Santorum. “Yeah he’s sexy, but I want him as my next president. He doesn’t need a lot of fancy schoolin’ degrees like our current president, he’s got a PHD in Jesus.” Horner goes on to say, “I for one know I’ll get a lot more done once pornography becomes illegal. Though I am worried about all the missionary sex I’ll be having with no contraception. Maybe Mr. Santorum will allow me to use a condom if it has a picture of the Virgin Mary on it. I sure would appreciate that.”
Steve Reynold’s marketing executive for People said, “It was a tough choice to find a Republican that we could call sexy because they’re all kind of fat and old.” Reynold’s said, “Rick Santorum isn’t bald, he’s under seventy and he weighs less than 300 pounds… so yeah, he’s our winner.”
Sanford, Fla— New pictures and information, released by Matt Drudge from the Drudge Report, show a completely different side to the Trayvon Martin that we’ve been seeing portrayed by most of the media. “These innocent child hood photos of Trayvon, being shown in the news, are just not who he actually was. The photos we’ve obtained indicate that he was a lot more than just some young kid going to high school. More than likely he was a 7’2, 480 lbs professional football player, though we’re not exactly sure what team he played for. Our editors are working around the clock on putting all the pieces together,” says Drudge. “We also have obtained new information about George Zimmerman. The ‘tough guy’ pictures showing Zimmerman in an orange jumpsuit are about as inaccurate as you can get. Reliable sources now tell us he is likely a 3’6 Asian dwarf who was lured to the dark alleys of his neighborhood by the scent of Skittles.”
Gaithersburg, MD— This morning lottery officials were pleased to announce that one of the three winners in last night’s Mega Millions has come forward. That lucky person is Paul Horner from Baltimore County, Maryland. He is the winner of Friday’s world record $640 million jackpot. Mr. Horner won by correctly matching all five numbers and then also the Mega Ball.
