Announced – The Big Lebowski 2: The Dude Goes To Washington

June 27, 2012 By 31 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 06/27/2012 6:00:14 AM PDT

The Big Lebowski sequelHollywood, CA — Exciting news for Big Lebowski fans everywhere has just been announced. A sequel to the 1998 cult classic is said to begin filming sometime this October.

The story centers around Jeff Bridges as Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski and Walter Sobchak who is played by John Goodman. The two have just learned that their bowling alley will be closing in exactly one week to make way for a parking garage all at the hands of a corrupt and evil land owner named Bavarian Illuminati, who is played by Bill Murray.

The pair decide to seek out the help of The Dude’s only son Mark Lebowski, played by Jesse Eisenberg, who was conceived in the first movie. The Dude’s son is now 18 years of age and just happens to be the youngest congressman in the history of the United States.

Making a return is Julianne Moore as Maude Lebowski. Also returning is Philip Seymour Hoffman as Brandt who is said to be acting as help for the “The Dude” and Walter as they make their way to Washington. In addition, accompanying the trio to D.C. is Jesus Quintana, played by John Turturro. It’s still unclear if Tara Reid will be appearing in the film. It’s rumored that the Coen brothers were so angry after she leaked the project back in 2011 that they pulled her from the film. Sources close to the film say that special guest appearances will be made by Rand and Ron Paul.

30-year-old actor Steve Middleton from Arizona, who plays one of the villains in the movie said he was so excited to be part of this highly anticipated sequel. “In the movie I play a character named Tad Stevens. He’s the tough guy in the movie, trying to give “The Dude” and Walter a hard time. Throughout the movie I wear Tapout and Affliction shirts, drive a Hummer and sport a lot of hair gel. It’s fun. To be honest this is pretty much how I am in real life so it wasn’t that big of a change for me.”

Film critic Paul Horner with the New York Times says this movie should be huge. “The extremely talented Ethan Coen and Joel Coen did the writing for this and Joel will even be directing again. This is definitely at the top of my list for most anticipated upcoming movies to see.”

The scheduled release date for “The Big Lebowski 2: The Dude Goes To Washington” is said to be sometime around the Summer of 2015.

For more Big Lebowski check out, The Little Lebowski.

Filed Under: News Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Joe Arpaio Announces New Zombie Bath Salt Task Force Called SALTS

June 26, 2012 By 16 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 06/26/2012 6:00:14 AM PDT

Sheriff Joe Arpaio Announces New Zombie Bath Salt Task Force Called SALTSPhoenix, AZ — The controversial sheriff in Arizona, Joe Arpaio, is making headlines again. This time it’s not about arresting illegal aliens, or questioning Obama’s birth certificate but stopping a possible bath salt related zombie attack in the state. Arpaio spoke with reporters this morning about his new zombie bath salt task force called SALTS.

Arpaio said, “These zombie attacks from bath salts are becoming a huge problem, not just in Arizona but around the country. It’s impossible to tell who is on them and who isn’t, so we’re stopping and questioning everyone. Any individuals suspected of being under the influence of bath salts are being arrested and quarantined.”

Officer Paul Horner, a 15-year veteran of the Phoenix Police Department detailed with the SWAT unit, will be heading up the new SALTS Task Force. He said he’s optimistic about stopping a zombie attack from happening in Arizona. “When we make a traffic stop, even if the person is not doing anything wrong, all we need now is just a gut feeling that the person or persons is on bath salts or has already transformed into a zombie. Your civil rights don’t apply when it comes to zombie attacks.”

24-year-old Phoenix resident Brandon Adams, a survivor of the DeQuincy zombie attacks, says he doesn’t support Arpaio or this new zombie bath salt task force. “It’s just one more way they are trying to take away our freedoms. These zombies mean us no harm. They take menial, hard labor jobs for little pay that most of us wouldn’t want anyway,” Adams said. “We should be trying to make friends with the zombies, not arrest them.”

81-year-old Sun City resident Ann Hardy said she’s been doing all she can to stop a possible zombie attack. “I’ve been going around to all the stores like Bed Bath and Beyond and buying up all of their bath salts. If Obama doesn’t want to do anything to prevent a zombie attack, and hates America, I think it’s up to the citizens of this great state to do what they can.”

Obama spoke briefly to reporters in Washington about the situation in Arizona. He said he was concerned about the mental health of Arpaio and some of the residents living there. “The real problem in Arizona is there’s just not enough younger folks to out-vote all the senior citizens living there. The state is overrun with angry, delusional, old white people who spend their day watching Fox News.” Obama continued, “Thankfully there is a solution to all of this. The older folks there in Arizona, that continue to vote for Joe Arpaio year after year, keeping him in office, will eventually die.”

Any information about a possible bath salt related zombie attack in your area, please contact the SALTS Task Force hotline. As always you can remain anonymous.

  • SALTS Task Force 24 Hour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

Video: The dangers of a bath salt zombie attack

Filed Under: News Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

DEA Chief Dodges More Questions Friday At Her Own Mental Health Screening

June 23, 2012 By 17 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 06/23/2012 7:15:14 AM PDT

DEA Cheif Michele LeonhartWashington, DC — Under strict orders by psychiatrists and other health officials worried about DEA Chief Michele Leonhart’s mental health, the Judiciary Subcommittee met again late Friday. This time with questions a little more elementary and straightforward.

This all stemmed from Wednesday’s Subcommittee hearing where two congressman, Jared Polis and Steve Cohen, pursued almost identical lines of questioning to the head of the Drug Enforcement Administration, only to have their questions stonewalled and unanswered.

The questions on Wednesday were related to the use of marijuana and the agencies position on it’s health risks to society. Leonhart dodged questions about whether drugs like crack, cocaine, meth and heroin are worse than marijuana. She was repeatedly pressed on the relative health impacts of marijuana versus other drugs, but would not give a direct answer.

Leading the questioning on Friday was Republican Congressman Paul Horner from Arizona. Here are just a few of the excerpts from yesterday’s questioning:

Horner: “Ms. Leonhart, thank you for joining us. After your odd display of actions here on Wednesday, we all have become quite concerned about the state of your mental health. So let’s start with a few basic questions and then go from there, ok?”

Leonhart: “Ok.”

Horner: “Let me first start off by asking you if know whether the number five is greater or less than the number two?”

Leonhart: “Those are both numbers.”

Horner: “No, that is not what I’m asking you. Is the number five greater than the number two?”

Leonhart: “Those are, um… those are both prime numbers.”

Horner: “Incorrect again. Let me simplify it for you further. If Bill had five bananas and Jane had two bananas, who would have more bananas?

Leonhart: “The problem with the amount of bananas in our society really depends on supply and demand. Our administration works hand in hand with different agencies to bring the distributors and suppliers to justice.”

Horner: “Never mind, let’s move on. Ms. Leonhart, is the Holocaust worse than marijuana?”

Leonhart: “They are both problems that society has attempted to stop at one time or another.”

Horner: “What about the Black Plague, starvation, the recession, cancer, Tyler Perry, Snooki and Aids all combined into one evil force… would that evil force be worse than marijuana?”

Leonhart: “That would be bad. As for the outcome on society, I was not around during the Black Plague, but I have seen Tyler Perry and Snooki, so maybe, in my own personal opinion, marijuana might not be as bad as that.”

Congressman Horner talked to reporters after the screening and considers what happened there a big success. “Ms. Leonhart is obviously slow. She exhibits symptoms of impaired judgement, short-term memory loss and poor critical thinking. These are all the classic signs of someone high on marijuana.” Horner continued, “But she does realize that this evil force that I talked about could be worse than the marijuana that she probably uses herself. So it’s a great start.”

Reporters talked to Knoshon Mootron, a homeless man, about the mental health of Leonhart. “This woman is out of her goddamn mind.” Mootron continued, “That lady is in there trying to debate that marijuana is worse than crack, cocaine, heroin and meth… and she’s in charge of the DEA? Oh my lawd, I actually heard that woman say the words “marijuana addiction,” Moontron laughs. Then Moontron went on to explain how he would run the DEA if he was in charge. “Get me up in there, shiiit. Next time those crackers up there asking me questions like that I’ll tell em’, ‘Yo! I don’t make the laws homeboys, I just enforces them.’ That’s it, that’s all she had to say. Damn.”

DEA Chief Leonhart will appear on Dancing With The Stars next month. She won’t admit if this show is worse than marijuana, but does say people that smoke marijuana are prone to deadly and addictive dances of death.

VIDEO: DEA Chief Michele Leonhart, after a possible head injury, giving it her best effort to answer questions at the Judiciary Subcommittee hearings on Wednesday

Filed Under: News Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Mitt Romney Campaign Using “Ron Paul Diversion Vehicles”

June 20, 2012 By 11 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 06/20/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT

Mitt Romney Campaign Using "Ron Paul Diversion Vehicles"Tampa, FL — In shocking news just released this morning, sources say Mitt Romney and his campaign for President are using funds to buy up what is being referred to as “Ron Paul Diversion Vehicles”. The idea is to discredit Ron Paul supporters and make them appear “crazy” and “uninformed”.

This information was leaked by an informant who says she was paid to drive around cars with “ridiculous amounts of Ron Paul advertisements”. Since she came forward this weekend, now others have too.

51 year old Bill Jenkins from Miami says he was paid $1,550 a month by Romney’s campaign to drive around his “Ron Paul Diversion Vehicle” in Tampa, Florida. He said he would get bonuses for yelling out the window of his car at school children or old people saying such things as “Investigate the Bilderberg Group” and “9/11 was an inside job.” Jenkins continued, “If anyone out there wants me to drive around a car promoting their goods or services, please contact me. I feel what I did for Mitt Romney is a great start to a possible career in this.”

Another person close to the scandal, who wished to remain anonymous said the accusations are 100% true. “Yeah, they called them diversion vehicles. We couldn’t get enough people to drive these things around. Politics are a dirty game and it’s a tough economy out there. Plus, most people are stupid and have no morals whatsoever.”

Paul Horner, a campaign spokesman for Romney, spoke briefly to reporters this morning saying that these allegations are completely false. “We’re running a fair campaign here. Obviously when someone runs for President, the nut jobs are going to come out of the wood work. That’s all this is.” Horner then went on to say, “What we need to be focusing on right now is important issues like Obama’s Birth Certificate. You like having a black Muslim running your country? What about all these gays having the same rights as others? And you’re worried about Mitt Romney buying a few vehicles to possibly deceive the American people, possibly change the outcome of the Presidential election and the future of this country? Seriously people, let’s get our priorities straight here.”

Ron Paul or any of his campaign officials could not be reached for comment at the time of this release.

Filed Under: News Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

New Drug Craze Leaves 3 Teenagers Hospitalized

June 10, 2012 By 48 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 06/10/2012 5:35:14 AM PDT

5 Hour Energy drug called 5HEAustin, TX — A new drug called 5HE is putting American teens in the hospital at alarming rates. The recent incident happened Friday to  three students at the Jonestown High School in Austin, Texas.

All three students were rushed to Jonestown Memorial Hospital. Doctors say all three of them will recover but it was an extremely close call. Emergency room staff there say they have seen an increase in cases linked to 5HE or what is sometimes referred to by police as “the new LSD”.

Authorities told reporters the drug is taken orally and produces extreme euphoria and hallucinations. “The teenagers are buying large amounts of the energy drink commonly known as 5-Hour Energy,” said Police Captain Eric Roberts. “They drink five or more of these bottles at a time and because there’s only 24 hours in a day, it becomes too much energy for their bodies to handle.” Roberts continued, “Three students from Friday’s incident each had about 40 hours of energy in them, 16 hours more energy than what is actually possible in a 24 hour day.”

AJ Smith, a 12th grader at the school, said he’s tried using 5HE and told reporters about his experience. “One day after school I was hanging out at a friend’s house. They had a whole case of 5HE. So I opened five of them and drank them all at once. Soon I blasted off somewhere else. My soul was tasting and hearing colors. I was swimming in love. There were these beings of light telling me that everything was going to be alright and that I shouldn’t fall into amazement. They told me that there is nothing to ever be afraid of and that life is all just a ride. There was no time or space. I could have been there for a billion years or one minute. Yeah, it’s pretty awesome.”

Not so awesome for Meagan Graff though, who was one of the three students who overdosed from 5HE on Friday. Friends say she drank eight 5-Hour Energy drinks. “That equals 40 hours of energy. There is just not enough hours in the day,” sobs Becky Winters, a long time friend of the girl.

The Chief of Police in Austin, Paul Horner, believes the entire incident could easily have been prevented. “It’s just too much energy for the body to handle in a 24 hour period,” says Horner. “Some of these kids are now actually smoking 5-Hour Energy to get even more energy. The lengths that these junkies will go to never ceases to amaze me.”

Most stores in Austin have now banned the sale of 5-Hour Energy or limited purchases to two drinks or less. Dale Evans a store clerk at Fiesta Mart told reporters that with all the recent bans on 5HE he says kids have been getting pretty desperate these days to get their fix. “Sometimes we’ll see homeless people in here trying to buy 5-Hour Energy for the kids. We know what they’re up to.”

Paul Horner ended the press conference by stating to reporters, “I have a message out there for anyone selling 5-Hour Energy. If people are dying because of your LSD that you’re selling, you will be charged with murder whether you like it or not. There’s not going to be anymore funny business around here, not on my watch.”

Even though most states have now banned the sale of 5-Hour Energy, Texas is not one of them. With this recent tragedy though, Texas lawmakers say a bill is currently being drafted and should be in front of members of congress for a vote as soon as Thursday.

Dave Martin, Principle at Jonestown High School in Austin, said the school will be closed Monday and grief counselors will be available to students and families.

NOTE FROM SUPER OFFICIAL NEWS: This story was written over 5 months ago. The purpose of the story was to make light of that cannibalistic episode in Miami where idiot cops called bath salts the “new LSD”. Their purpose was to cause fear in the country… and guess what? They did. And guess what else? The guy who ate that homeless man’s face off wasn’t on bath salts, they only found marijuana in his system. Also, I had just performed stand-up comedy with a joke about 5-Hour Energy a few days before this. Plus the 5HE drug trip I describe in the story is actually about DMT (check that out). So that’s where this story derives from. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the 13 kids that have lost their lives to this energy drink.

Filed Under: News Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Gay Zombie Attack In Louisiana From Bath Salts Leaves 7 Dead

June 2, 2012 By 193 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 06/02/2012 11:03:17 AM PDT

New Zombie Attack From Bath Salts in Louisiana: Leaves 7 DeadDeQuincy, Louisiana — Reports are coming in about a new zombie attack that has just occurred, this time happening in a small town in Louisiana. The massacre happened this morning, leaving 7 dead and 6 badly wounded. This all comes just days after the previous zombie attack which occurred in Miami after a naked man chewed the face off another individual. The zombie attack in Miami is being blamed on a drug called bath salts. It appears the attack today is drug related also.

This new zombie attack appears to have started when a priest from the Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy had given one of it’s alter boys, 23 year old Brandon Adams, too much bath salts.

Tom Hardly a 27 year veteran priest for the church said, “I just gave the boy the normal dose of bath salts that any other priest would give to one of their alter boys. I didn’t know Brandon would just snap like that. I’m lucky to be alive.”

When asked why the priests there give the alter boys bath salts, Hardly responded, “We give them the bath salts because it helps them fight the gay away. There is nothing worse in life than a homosexual. Well, maybe a flesh eating zombie, I don’t know, that’s a close one.” Hardly continued, “Brandon was the cutest of all the alter boys. This last batch of bath salts must have been bad or something because when I was trying to get him on his knees to beg for a load of my forgiveness, he growled at me, then he tried biting me, but not in a good way. Zombies are scary.”

The church was packed with people at the time of the incident. Adams is reported to have suddenly started leaping through the pews, row by row, ravishing any face and body that he could find.

“Oh lawd, it was just horrible,” says Betty Johnson a choir singer for the Holy Lovers Methodist Church. “He had an appetite the lord couldn’t fulfill. I think he was possessed by Satan himself,” she continued, “Plus he was only chewing the men’s faces off I noticed, not any females. If I had to guess Brandon is probably a homosexual. So along with the whole human eating zombie thing going on today, he’ll also be burning in hell for eternity because of his homosexual actions. Our loving lord and father can forgive being a flesh eating zombie, but homosexuality is a big no-no.”

Police Chief Paul Horner from DeQuincy called these bath salts the new LSD. “It’s a scare tactic we use to demonize drugs like LSD. If we scare the kids enough, then maybe they’ll be too scared to ever come out of their houses and think for themselves. I’ll be honest with you, bath salts are nothing like LSD, but hey, the media will print anything we say,” Horner laughs, “Journalists are a bunch of idiots. I’ve taken my fair share of acid back in the 60′s. I don’t ever remember wanting to eat someone’s face off, but hey, that’s just me. Call me old school I guess.”

The Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy has been criticized in the past for giving it’s alter boys bath salts. Spokeswoman for the church Barbara Smith said, “We are seriously looking into this matter and will be making a decision shortly. Our hearts go out to the family members involved in this horrible tragedy. I just want to say a word to the grieving parents out there. Word.”

Before leaving behind all the carnage at the scene of the crime, Brandon Adams set fire to the church and then exploded through the burning church doors, something like out of a horror movie witnesses say. Luckily everyone except the 7 dead victims made it out alive.

Police say that Brandon Adams is still on the run. They are unaware if he has any more bath salts in his possession. Police are saying that if he is spotted to not approach him and instead contact the authorities. Anyone having information about his whereabouts are urged to contact The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line. As always you can remain anonymous.

The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line: (785) 273-0325

[Updated at 11:15 AM PDT] Exclusive video just obtained by Super Official News shows police and firemen battling the flames at The Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy. The death toll now stands at 7. The number of known injuries is 6. Their conditions are not known at this time. Brandon Adams is still at large.

[Updated at 2:54 PM PDT] The National Guard and other military forces are now in DeQuincy. The FBI and local law enforcement agencies are on the ground too. The town of DeQuincy has been sealed off and quarantined. Lieutenant Colonel Franklin with The National Guard said that over 45% of the town’s residents are now zombies. Friends and family members of anyone in DeQuincy are urged to call The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line (785) 273-0325 for information as it becomes available.

[Updated at 4:20 PM PDT] The Mayor of DeQuincy is said to be holed up in a safe house 50 miles out of town. He said this to reporters this afternoon, “Let The National Guard and military do it’s job. They are telling me that over %70 of everyone in DeQuincy is now a zombie. They warn us that these zombies will post on forums and message boards, telling others that nothing is wrong in the town, attempting to lure them into the town so they can dine on their flesh. DON’T FALL FOR THEIR TRICKS! Stay away from DeQuincy until this matter is resolved. God save DeQuincy!”

[Updated at 5:25 PM PDT] Resistance groups are fighting against the zombies but are making little head way. One of the groups, The Resistance For Life, are saying there’s just too many zombies to fight off and they are out numbered.

New Zombie Attack From Bath Salts in Louisiana: Leaves 7 Dead

[Updated at 7:15 PM PDT] Colonel Franklin made a statement saying, “I can confirm that roughly 85% of the population here has been infected. We still have not found the original zombie, Brandon Adams. Unless the resistance can stop and kill the infection, we will have to neutralize the town. Please stay away from DeQuincy. God save us all.”

[Updated at 8:01 PM PDT] So far Bob from the resistance and the Peacock are reported to be safe.

[Updated at 8:28 PM PDT] Colonel Franklin spoke to reporters, “Supplies are dwindling. Items currently needed are water, food, weapons, zombie rounds and any animals that can be used as bait to lure the zombies out of their hiding spots. Please call The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line (785) 273-0325 for more information and how to donate.”

[Updated at 12:54 AM PDT] Colonel Franklin spoke one last time to reporters before heading back to Washington, “It is my deepest regret to inform you all that the town of DeQuincy has been vaporized. We had no other options. The resistance failed and the zombies had complete control of the town. DeQuincy is now just a crater of dirt, which in my opinion is an improvement from what it was before. My thoughts and prayers go out to all the families and friends, blah, blah, blah, yada yada yada. Our government won’t tolerate gay zombie terrorists on bath salts from this day forward. A precedent has been set here today. God bless America!”

Image of the bomb that destroyed DeQuincy Louisiana from the zombie attack from bath salts

[Updated at 7:16 AM PDT] Bob from the resistance and the peacock made it out of DeQuincy safely before the bombing began. Bob says he plans to raise llamas and build a memorial wall dedicated to those who lost their lives at DeQuincy.

[Updated at 06-10-12 | 7:07 PM PDT] The Mayor of DeQuincy made a statement to reporters this evening about the zombie apocalypse that almost occurred. “When it comes to DeQuincy, zombies don’t care what you look like. They don’t care how dumb and ignorant you are. They don’t care if you’re related or not. They don’t care how inbred you may be. They don’t care how many sheep or other farm animals you have sex with on a daily basis. They don’t care if you are fat, have no teeth, balding, or smell really bad. They don’t care if your IQ is under 70. They don’t care if you use soap or shower. They don’t care how much you hate gay people while at the same time probably being a closet homosexual yourself. They don’t care how much you hate minorities. They don’t care how intolerant of other cultures you are or how badly you want to bomb their country. They don’t care if you are a Creationist who thinks the Earth is only 6,000 years old. They don’t care if you can read or write. They don’t even care how badly you beat your wife. The fact of the matter is zombies just don’t care how backwards and out of touch you are with society, they only care about how good your face tastes. So that’s why it’s a good thing the government was able to get in there, vaporize the town and save DeQuincy before it got any worse.”

[Updated at 06-10-12 | 9:14 PM PDT] Ford Motor Company is proud to announce their new line of zombie proof cars being built specifically for the townspeople of DeQuincy. These cars make it easy to get around town while at the same time hiding from any zombies that still may be lurking in the shadows.

Image of the new zombie proof cars for DeQuincy

[Updated at 06-16-12 | 11:28 AM PDT] New music video for DeQuincy about the dangers of doing bath salts and then turning into a zombie.

[Updated at 07-01-12 | 10:55 PM PDT] Now that the zombies have completely taken over what is left of Dequincy, the homeless there have been forced to take drastic measures.

Zombie bath salts

[Updated at 08-10-12 | 4:17 PM PDT] The zombies have begun to rebuild in Dequincy. Here are ad campaigns for the new Subway and McDonald’s that have just finished being built in the center of town.

Zombie bath salts

Zombie McDonalds

[Updated at 06-05-12 | 6:14 AM PDT] A new zombie attack from bath salts in Louisiana. This time happening in Lafayette Parish, Louisiana.

[Updated at 06-12-12 | 5:27 PM PDT] The nonprofit organization Neighbors 4 Neighbors is accepting donations on behalf of Ronald Poppo, the man who’s face was eaten by a zombie in Florida on May 26th. They can be reached at (305) 597-4404. Jackson Memorial is also accepting donations via check at the following address:

Jackson Memorial Foundation
Park Plaza East
Suite G
901 NW 17th Street
Miami, FL 33136

Filed Under: Misc Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

North Carolina: First State Making It Illegal To Be Gay

May 28, 2012 By 91 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 05/28/2012 6:00:52 AM PDT

Bev Perdue talking about making gay illegal in North CarolinaJacksonville NC. — More controversial news is coming out of North Carolina, this time it’s a law making it an actual crime to be gay. The previous weeks saw the state approve an amendment banning gay marriage and now with this new law it makes being gay a felony. Voters approved the new law by a 61%-39% margin with all counties reporting, according to returns from the State Board of Elections.

“We can’t change the results of this vote, but we can determine what comes next,” said Jasmine Beach-Ferrara, director of Campaign for Southern Equality. “When kids across the state wake up, I want them to know that this story isn’t over. We will repeal this new law.”

At a press conference this morning Paul Horner, founder of the Christian group ‘God Protects Marriage’, said the state has already begun shipping some offenders of the new law out by train. “If police catch you being gay, you will be rounded up, put on a train and sent to a camp where authorities will then deal with you accordingly.” Horner explains, “I have nothing against gay people. Trust me, this is what our loving god would want.”

Reporters asked Horner if these gay camps were similar to the camps once used by the Nazis. “No of course not, why would you say that? We’re just moving them all out to their own place so they can romp and play and do whatever it is that gay people do,” Horner said. “I don’t have a problem with gay people. You can be gay, just not in North Carolina, gross.”

Police are going door to door this morning looking for any signs of gay activity. “Whether it be a cocked wrist, a lisp or even a Cold Play album, we will find you,” said Jacksonville Police Chief Mike Davis. “If we see you being fruity in anyway you will be arrested. We’re just trying to keep our children safe.”

“You can marry your cousin in North Carolina. You can legally have sex with animals in North Carolina. Seriously, bestiality is a-OK. A cop could catch you humping a horse and instead of arresting you, he would probably want to join in. But two people in love are not allowed to be together because of the hate and ignorance of idiots, which according to the voting on this new law, make up 61% of North Carolina,” said Tom Watkins, 41, of Greensboro. “I’m moving to a different state.”

Penalties in North Carolina are strict says opponents of the new law. A first time offense for being gay carries a mandatory 30 days in jail. Repeat offenders, such as those getting caught being gay a second or third time will see a much stricter sentence.

To report any gay activity in your area, please contact the North Carolina Gay-Be-Gone tip line. There are various cash rewards depending on the information provided and as always, you can remain anonymous.

Phone: (785) 273-0325

Filed Under: News Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Prisoner Escape Used Scenes From The Shawshank Redemption

May 16, 2012 By 3 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 05/16/2012 6:00:14 AM PDT

Prisoner Paul Horner escapes using The Shawshank RedemptionSt. Cloud, MN. — A prison escape in St. Cloud yesterday had all the action and drama of a real movie, and that is maybe because it was actually based on one. Authorities believe escapee 54-year-old Paul Horner used scenes directly from The Shawshank Redemption to escape from the Minnesota Correctional Facility in St. Cloud on Tuesday. Guards found Horner missing during the morning’s cell check. When they searched his cell they found a bible that had been cut out specifically for a tool such as a rock hammer. They also found a poster on the wall that when removed revealed a hole that led directly out of the prison.

“There was always a different girly poster on his wall,” said Gary Fulton, a 24 year veteran guard of the prison. “Sometimes during our surprise inspections I would reference the poster and make a joke about tunneling out of the prison. Then Horner would quote a line from Shawshank Redemption and we’d both laugh. It turns out he actually was tunneling out of the prison.” Fulton continued, “I always thought it would take a man 600 years to tunnel through these walls. Paul Horner did it in less than twenty.”

The prison in St. Cloud that Horner escaped from is a level four, close-security institution. It has an inmate population of about 1,000 men and was built in 1889. This is only the second escape to happen in the prison’s history.

Tom Davis, who is the warden at the prison, talked to reporters at a press conference this afternoon. “Paul Horner always claimed it was a one armed man who killed his wife. Well, that’s from the movie The Fugitive, not The Shawshank Redemption.” Davis continued, “We think he’s either headed towards Zihuatanejo, Mexico where he plans to buy a boat to fix up so he can take guests charter fishing, or he’s going to find the one-arm man who killed his wife. I wish he would have left a note or something so we would know what movie he’s copying exactly.” Davis finished the press conference by saying, “I’m disappointed in myself and my staff today. I know for a fact that we’ve all seen those two movies like a thousand times. This incident should have been prevented.”

Deputy James Wellington, a U.S. Marshal, spoke briefly to police this morning before beginning the search for Horner. “Alright, listen up, people. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, hen-house, outhouse and doghouse in the area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitive’s name is Dr. Paul Horner. Go get him.”

Anyone having information about Paul Horner’s whereabouts are urged to contact the Jonestown Police Department.

Filed Under: News Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Obama Says More Gay Comments, This Time About Nickelback

May 14, 2012 By 1 Comment
The Ass Press
Posted: 05/14/2012 6:00:49 AM PDT

Obama gay marriage commentsWashington, D.C. — President Obama made headlines again when he shocked reporters by stating that he enjoys listening to the band Nickelback. These gay comments of his come just days after he announced in an interview with ABC News that he supports gay marriage. While his comment about gay marriage was literally a gay comment, these new comments about Nickelback are just gay.

“I think Nickelback is pretty good,” Obama told reporters at Sunday’s press conference. “I think they have a lot of talent and I believe most folks don’t care for them just because it’s the popular thing to do.”

Reporters were quick to argue with the president and his gay comment. Paul Horner from The New York Times said, “Mr. President, I beg of you not to share these gay opinions of yours with the American people. Nickelback perpetuates the sadness of honoring mediocre and un-original, non-creative music. They have blast beats, growled vocals and every one of their songs sound exactly the same. The longer Nickelback is allowed to play venues, the longer our country will continue to suffer.”

The gay comments by Obama didn’t end there. “My favorite song by Nickelback is probably Rockstar,” Obama said. “It’s got a catchy beat and an excellent music video that accompanies it. Plus I think it brings out the true rockstar in us all. If you haven’t heard it, I highly recommend it.”

The scene at the press conference turned from bad to worse when riots broke out after the president revealed that he was wearing a Nickelback shirt underneath his suit. Leading the group of rioters is Stephen Andrews, journalist for The Washington Herald. “Our demands are simple,” said Andrews. “It’s imperative that Obama withdrawal his gay comments about Nickelback and burn that t-shirt immediately. Our country already has enough problems right now, we don’t need a president who likes Nickelback too.”

Before ending the press conference Obama did one last gay thing and announced the touring dates and locations for upcoming Nickelback concerts. Obama then instructed his staff to put out the fires in the room that were set by reporters. Five people were arrested and the death toll now stands at eleven.

Filed Under: News Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Man Who Determined Ice Cube’s “Good Day” Awarded Nation’s Highest Medal

May 6, 2012 By 16 Comments

Donovan Strain being given the Presidential Medal of Freedom by Barack ObamaWashington, D.C. — Fans of hip hop were in for a surprise Saturday when a user of the popular website Tumblr received one of the United States’ highest civilian honors that a president can award. 82 year old Donovan Strain was given the Presidential Medal of Freedom for pin pointing the exact date that rapper Ice Cube was referring to in his hit song from the 90′s entitled ‘It Was a Good Day’.

While presenting the award President Barack Obama said, “I’m proud to give this award to Donovan Strain. His courage and excellent detective skills are honored here today. I just love that song and I’ve always wondered what the actual good day that Ice Cube was referring to. Thanks to Donovan, now we all know.”

When asked how he came up with the date of Ice Cube’s good day, Strain said, “In the song he says that he went to Short Dog’s house and they were watching Yo MTV Raps. That show didn’t air until August 6th, 1988. Ice Cube’s song didn’t come out until February 23rd, 1993.” Strain continues, “During the song he says the Lakers beat the Super Sonics. So if you match up the days that Yo MTV Raps aired during that time span and basketball games where the Lakers beat the Super Sonics it will give you a grand total of twelve dates. Then by checking the weather on those dates for days that had no smog, just like in the song, you’ll narrow those twelve down to four possible dates.”

Reporters questioned Strain how he knew which of the four possible dates was the actually date that Ice Cube was rapping about. “This is where it gets interesting,” Strain said. “Ice Cube says that he got a beep from Kim, and she can f*ck all night. Beepers weren’t adopted by mobile phone companies until the 1990′s. The dates then left where mobile beepers were available to the public are January 18th, 1991 and January 20th, 1992. Ice Cube starred in the film Boyz In The Hood that was being filmed in 1990 and early 1991. He would have been too busy on set filming the movie January 18th, 1991 to be lounging around the streets with no plans.” Strain proudly raises his hands in the air and a smile emerges on his face, “So ladies and gentlemen, the only day when Yo MTV Raps was on the air, it was a clear and smogless day, beepers were commercially sold, the Lakers beat the Super Sonics and Ice Cube had no events to attend was… January 20th, 1992.”

Ice Cube was on hand at the awards ceremony for Strain. When asked by reporters what he thought of the day’s events he responded by saying, “I don’t really see what the big deal is here. If the president wanted to know the date that I was rapping about he could have just asked me. I’m happy for Donovan I guess.”

Demonstrators lined the White House for hours protesting the song that Obama was presenting the award for. Paul Horner who was participating in the demonstration said he didn’t agree with Obama’s decision. “So because Ice Cube didn’t have to use his AK-47 assault rifle, that made it a good day for him?” Horner continued, “How could anyone relate to this song?”

Asked what his plans are for the future, Strain said, “Right now I’m working on finding an answer to a question that has been keeping the science community and I up late at night for years now. What if the boys were already on their way to the yard, and the milkshakes had nothing to do with it?”

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Filed Under: News Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Mitt Romney Mad About His Universe Selection As God In The Afterlife

May 4, 2012 By 5 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 05/3/2012 6:30:57 PM PDT

Mitt Romney Mad About His Universe Selection As God In The AfterlifeProvo, UT — Today the lottery drawing of all lottery drawings was held in Provo, Utah. The Mormon council of elders handed down Mitt Romney’s fate for eternity, and he was not pleased.

Romney’s anger centered around a little-known fact about the Mormon religion that is unbeknownst to most people. The Mormons believe that when a man dies he becomes a god of his own universe. The man is then accompanied by a dozen or more woman who remain eternally pregnant. Romney, a lifetime Mormon and one of the religion’s biggest financial contributors, says he is extremely displeased with the results of today’s lottery. “This is ridiculous,” Romney said at a press conference this afternoon. “They gave me some crap universe with no life in it whatsoever. It’s made up of mostly gaseous planets, I mean there’s nothing there. It’s going to be billions of boring years before anything actually good happens. Yeah and don’t even get me started about the eternally pregnant wives I’ll be bringing with me. If any one of those girls gets down below three hundred pounds by the time this actually happens I’ll be extremely surprised.”

58 year old Susan Litchey, who is a big Mitt Romney supporter, said she’s happy for him getting his own universe in the afterlife. “As a longtime Christian, Mitt’s religion and my own are actually very similar. So what if he’s going to be god of his own universe when he dies, I think that’s really neat,” Litchey said. “These people that don’t agree with him are just jealous because they probably want to be god of their own universe too. Personally I hope I get selected as one of his eternally pregnant wives.”

“This is what the Mormons actually believe,” says Paul Horner who is an ex-member of the Mormon religion. “I was a Mormon for 30 years. It’s a religion created by a guy named Joseph Smith who was a liar and a cheat. He started the religion for money and woman, that’s all,” Horner explains. “They roped me in with the idea that it’s just like Christianity. They don’t tell you all these weird secrets until years later. My whole life became about them so when I finally decided to leave, I had no one left to fall back on. It was really tough.” Horner continues, “I can’t believe Romney’s religion hasn’t become more of an issue in these elections. Christians that are voting for this guy because they think his beliefs are on par with their own are extremely mistaken. Or they just don’t want to vote for a black guy as president, which if I had to guess, is 90% of what’s actually behind all of Romney’s popularity.”

“The women they selected as my eternally pregnant wives are big girls and definitely not very appealing to the eyes. I’m seriously doubting my faith today,” Romney said. “I’ve actually been thinking about joining the Muslim religion, but the idea of 72 virgins when I die…jeez, that just sounds like a lot of work to me. Maybe I’ll join Scientology? Xenu the Galactic Overlord and Tom Cruise can’t be any worse than my doomed fate.”

Filed Under: News Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Billionaire’s New Presidential Campaign: Check None Of The Above

May 2, 2012 By 10 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 05/1/2012 6:05:52 PM PDT

Check none of the aboveAustin, TX. — A Texas billionaire is making news by starting his own presidential campaign of sorts. For the past few months Texas native Paul Horner has been hard at work on a campaign that he calls, Check None Of The Above. “What I’m doing is showing my disgruntlement for the options the American people have when it comes to choosing their next president,” Horner said at a press conference in Austin this afternoon. “I don’t like Obama and I don’t like Romney. I say check none of the above.”

45 year old Mitch Reynolds said, “We just love what Paul Horner is doing. He’s been placing ads in newspapers and he’s even putting up billboards. It’s exactly like that movie Brewster’s Millions from the 80′s with Richard Pryor and John Candy.”

“I’m doing this for all the Americans out there who are left with two bad choices for president in this upcoming election.” Horner continues, “I’m also getting really tired of people saying that what I’m doing is like what they did in Brewster’s Millions. I came up with this idea all by myself, it has nothing to do with that movie.”

“Everything he’s doing is exactly like that movie Brewster’s Millions,” Sarah Bellignton a long time resident of Austin said. “Paul Horner received all this money as an inheritance from his great-uncle and he needs to spend it all in 30 days to get his actual inheritance or he gets nothing. But there’s a catch to all of this, Paul can’t buy anything tangible. So he’s been spending his money on things like a rare stamp that he actually mailed to someone. He also paid the New York Yankees a huge amount of money to play against his baseball team in an exhibition game and now he’s starting this presidential campaign. I think it’s a great move on Horner’s part to spend the money on something like this. A campaign like this will cost millions and every dollar spent will bring him that much closer to his actual inheritance.”

Horner told reporters, “I don’t play for a baseball team that is playing exhibition games with the Yankees. This is not money I received from a great uncle and I have not been mailing letters to people with rare stamps on them. People are making this out to be much more than it actually is. I just don’t want Obama or Romney in the White House come next year, it’s as simple as that.”

Kevin Harding from San Antonio said, “I wonder if Paul Horner will be able to spend all of his money before the 30 days is up and claim his true inheritance or will he walk away with nothing? I can’t wait to find out what happens!”

Horner said, “The money I’m using for this campaign is not money that I received from an inheritance. I don’t have 30 days to spend a certain amount of money or I lose a bigger inheritance. Let me again reiterate what this is about. I don’t want Barack Obama or Mitt Romney in the White House after this upcoming election, so when voting, I say check none of the above.”

The press conference ended abruptly when Horner physically assaulted a reporter from Fox News after he was asked if he knew anything about a possible sequel to Brewster’s Millions happening in the near future.

Filed Under: News Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Man Not Guilty in Killing Wife Over Too Many Facebook Game Requests

April 25, 2012 By 4 Comments
THE ASS PRESS
POSTED: 04/25/2012 6:00:57 PM PDT

Man Not Guilty in Killing Wife For Sending Him Game Requests on FacebookKabul, Afghanistan — An Afghan man was found not guilty Wednesday by a Tribunal of his elders for the gruesome murder of his wife of 42 years. The man, 54 year old Aasif Zawaydeh, apparently had choked his wife to death, cut her body up and fed it to the family dog. His defense was that she sent him too many game requests on Facebook and because of this she needed to die. The man says his wife knew he didn’t like the Avengers movie and kept sending him game requests for it on Facebook even after repeatedly telling her to stop.

Zawaydeh explained to the Tribunal, “I told her numerous times to stop sending me these stupid Facebook game requests for Avengers Alliance but she never listened.” Zawaydeh continued, “I yelled at her, I beat her, I raped her, I let my brother rape her, I let the neighbors rape her, I let the village rape her and still she kept sending me these damn game requests for Avengers Alliance. I don’t like using Facebook except to stay in contact with old friends from my militia and she knew this. I don’t like the Avengers movie and I especially don’t want to play the stupid game on Facebook.”

The Tribunal voted 12-0 unanimously in favor of the man saying that he was justified in the killing of his wife.

48 year old Steven Edwards from England who’s in Afghanistan because of work was at the trial when the verdict came in. “What is wrong with these people? I have to get the fu*k out of this country right now.”

At a press conference in New York this morning Paul Horner, the president of PGF or People against Games on Facebook said, “This is just one of the many problems that can arise when people send game requests on Facebook. Your annoying friend on Facebook gets the brilliant idea that maybe you want to stop doing what you’re doing and help them build a cartoon barn or plant a field of carrots. So they send you a game request and then you have to log in to Facebook to see what your friend sent. You see it’s something you could absolutely care less about, you get mad and then you wanna kill them. Eventually what happened in Afghanistan is going to happen somewhere else. It’s only a matter of time.”

Filed Under: News Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Televangelist Pat Robertson Tells His Congregation That He’s Gay

April 25, 2012 By 7 Comments
THE ASS PRESS
POSTED: 04/24/2012 6:00:47 PM PDT

Pat Robertson coming out of the closetVirginia Beach, VA. — In a shocking move, 82 year old televangelist Pat Robertson announced to his followers that he is in fact gay. “I hesitated coming out for a while. I thought god would strike me down if I did. Then when I finally announced the news, nothing happened. God must still love me. I encourage all of the other confused souls out there to come out with me and be your true selves. God will still love you, I promise.”

52-year-old Paul Horner who is a member of the choir group for Robertson’s congregation said, “We always knew he was gay. He would take these long vacations and cruises with his ‘friend’ Manual. Also at work instead of the normal ‘casual Friday’, he would call it ‘fabulous Friday’. Plus no one can spew that much hate towards gay people without actually being gay themselves.”

Robertson told reporters, “I know I’ve said a lot of hurtful, mean and evil things to the gay community in the past and for that I’m truly sorry. My hatred of gays was just me being mad at myself.” Robertson continued, “I didn’t know if I was actually gay for a long time. I was afraid to be who I really was. Then I started having feelings for the young Brazilian boy that I had been sleeping with and that’s when I knew.”

“Growing up I always knew he was gay,” Robertson’s youngest daughter Laura Robertson said. “He always had his ‘friend’ Glenn over and they were always hanging out in the guest house. They would stay out there for days, we would never see them. My dad would tell me they were just writing new sermons or something, but I knew. We all knew.”

“I always knew he was gay,” Pat Robertson’s wife of 48 years Sheila Robertson said. “During sex he would sometimes have me dress up as a construction worker and talk in a deep voice. It was really weird, but hey, the congregation made Pat and I a lot of money. It bought us a lot of nice things, so I just kind of went with it and didn’t ask any questions.”

“My wife and I always knew he was gay,” Ben Jenkins who was a neighbor of Pat Robertson for twenty years said. “We would always see young men coming and going from his house at weird hours of the night. Also one time he asked me if I was into men and when I said no he grabbed my hand and tried putting it on his private area. He then pulled down his pants and showed me a tattoo on his left butt cheek with my name right below an image of Jesus. Plus I get a dozen roses from him every Valentine’s Day, so yeah.”

During Robertson’s coming out sermon this weekend he laid out an action plan of new changes for his congregation:

  • Gay toy drives
  • More ‘fabulous’ decorations for the church
  • Food drives for the gay homeless
  • ‘Gay Marriage Wednesday’, as Pat calls it. He says he’ll be overseeing weddings for gay men and woman in the area free of charge
  • Instead of the red wine that is typically used at his sermons, Pat says now they’ll be using Chardonnay
  • Changing the word ‘congregation’ to ‘congregaytion’

 

Robertson was asked what he’s going to do now after coming out of the closet, “I’m excited for the future,” he said. “First of all I’m shutting down my gay-to-straight conversion summer camps. I’m closing them and re-opening them as places that encourage one’s true sexuality. I’m renaming one of my biggest camps from ‘Camp Old Testament’ and changing it to ‘Camp Come-Out’.” Robertson finished his sermon by saying, “I can’t wait to get with more dudes, Amen.”

Filed Under: News Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Obama Signs NTACT Into Law: Allows Waterboarding Marijuana Users

April 21, 2012 By 22 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 04/20/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT

Obama Signs NTACT Into Law: Allows Waterboarding Marijuana UsersWashington DC — In a controversial move this morning President Obama made NTACT official and signed it into law. NTACT stands for the National Trees Act and was passed by Congress last week. The bill allows government officials, such as the military and DEA, to waterboard marijuana users in order to gain any potential information they may or may not have. The act states that by waterboarding the marijuana user for information, such as where they bought their drugs from, it will allow law enforcement officials to use that information to then arrest the dealers, distributors and the actual growers.

After signing NTACT into law, President Obama stated, “This is a great first step in putting an end to this nightmare that has plagued our country for so long now. Marijuana is a destructor of families and communities. By getting to the source of the problem, the actual marijuana user, I think we can finally win the war on drugs. God willing, no one will ever use marijuana again.”

U.S. Representative Lamar S. Smith, who introduced the bill into Congress said, “Marijuana users think they can sit around all day, smoke their reefer, eat fattening foods and watch their stupid television shows… well, not on my watch. Now with the threat of torture, I seriously doubt marijuana addicts will have the guts to smoke their drugs again.”

Obama went on to restate his position by saying, “I want to be clear. If a state legalizes marijuana, this law will still affect those residents. I’m sure you’re already well aware, that I won’t hesitate to send DEA agents into states that have already legalized the drug. It doesn’t matter if marijuana is legal in your state or not, or who you are, if you make the choice to use marijuana, we will find you and we will waterboard you.” Obama went on to say, “With a marijuana arrest before, you might have just lost all your possessions, family and gone to prison. Thanks to this new bill I signed into law today, you’re now also going to get waterboarded. I’ve already passed The National Defense Act (NDAA), which allows us to send American citizens to jail for an infinite amount of time with no lawyer, judge or jury, so I think you should know by now that I’m not one to mess with.”

Paul Horner, one of Obama’s presidential advisers on the matter told the press today, “There’s just too many special interests out there that are making too much money because of marijuana’s illegal status. Do you have any idea how much money those lobbyists and special interest groups would stand to lose if we suddenly legalized marijuana? They would lose a lot. Sure our economy would probably improve if we taxed and regulated it, but the super-elite, the %1, are the ones who get hurt here. They are the ones we listen to.” Horner continued, “You can’t just make things like hemp legal. Pretty soon you wouldn’t have to cut down trees, then what are all the loggers out there going to do? You have to think about things like that. We see the big picture here at the White House. That’s why I’m up on stage holding a press conference and you’re down there writing everything that I’m saying.”

Danny Simmons from the DEA had this to say, “I don’t think there’s anyone I work with that isn’t excited about this law being passed. I think it’s going to be hilarious waterboarding a pot head, they are already so paranoid to begin with. The looks on their faces are gonna be priceless. They’ll be like, ah don’t kill me, I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.” Simmons laughs, “How awesome are things going to be now.”

RELATED NEWS >>> Obama Auctioning Off All Pot Seized In Drug Raids Since 2008
Filed Under: Misc Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

New ‘Work to Fly’ Program Sponsored by Mitt Romney

April 19, 2012 By 5 Comments

The Ass Press
Posted: 04/18/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT
Horner Airlines teams up and Mitt Romney for Work to FlyBoston, MA. — Horner Airlines is proud to announce that it has teamed up with presidential hopeful Mitt Romney in a first of its kind ‘Work to Fly’ program. Paul Horner, president of Horner Airlines, said the program will essentially allow people to fly for free as long as they put in a few days of manual labor for Mitt Romney.

Ben Thomas, a spokesman for Horner Airlines said, “In this tough economic climate, people want to travel but just can’t afford to. Now thanks to Mitt Romney and our ‘Work to Fly’ program they can. Mitt Romney is making dreams come true.”

Martha Jones from Mississippi was one of the first people to take part in the program. She went with her husband on an all-expense-paid trip to Hawaii. She said, “We always wanted to visit Hawaii but just couldn’t afford it. Thanks to this program we were finally able to go.” She then goes on to explain what kind of work they did to get the free trip. “My husband and I spent one day digging ditches around a sewage treatment plant of Romney’s and then another day working as correctional officers for a privately owned prison of his in Texas. Those working credits added up to two round trip tickets to Waikiki and free hotel accommodations right on the beach. It was so beautiful and our marriage needed that. It was falling apart before all of this but thanks to this romantic getaway, we’ve never been happier. I truly believe Mitt Romney saved our marriage.”

At a press conference this afternoon to announce the deal Mitt Romney said, “Throughout all my years I’ve fired so many people and paid so little in taxes. Now I can have people work for me for free too. I’m just thrilled.”

The president of Horner Airlines finished the press conference by saying, “We currently have jobs available in all 50 states for this ‘Work to Fly’ program. There are different plans for different free flights and hotel stays. The more work you do for Mitt Romney translates into more free flights and accommodations. Contact a representative today.”

Phone # (785) 273-0325
Use coupon code: FLY FOR FREE

Filed Under: News Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
« Older Posts
Newer Posts »