Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin Arrested For Public Masturbation

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here speaking to children about the dangers and consequences of masturbation.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here on March 15th at Evergreen Elementary School in Los Angeles, California.

Portland, OR — In an ironic twist of a fate, a mascot for a federally funded 31-city nationwide school tour focusing on educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of masturbation was arrested yesterday in Portland, Oregon for masturbating in public.

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now spoke to reporters about the future of the tour after this recent setback. “Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy® has helped thousands of adults and children live a masturbation-free lifestyle. Fappy® also collected thousands of signatures from children promising to never masturbate; he did great things,” Childs said. “It’s a shame how the media is portraying Fappy® right now. All the good that he’s done, all the lives he’s saved, all ruined by some ‘alleged’ public masturbation charge. I ask each and every one of you to keep Fappy® in your prayers until this nonsense is resolved.” Childs continued, “Until he is bonded out, Rubit® The Anti-Masturbation Rabbit will temporarily be taking his place on the school tour until we can get this mess sorted out. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.”

Fappy®, whose real identity is 34-year-old Arizona resident Paul Horner, told CNN by phone that he plans to make the most of his imprisonment. “I want to apologize to all my amazing fans out there, I love you all,” Horner said. “I will make the most of this bad situation. Jail is just a hotbed for self-rape and immoral acts. I plan to do everything in my power to stop the masturbation currently happening in this jail.” Horner continued, “Satan’s wicked ways came over me in a moment of weakness and I’m now paying dearly for it. At this jail though, it seems everyone here is having moments of weakness at least four or five times a day. God willing I’ll be able to put an end to all of that debauchery once and for all.”

“Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape,” Childs told reporters. “It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease. This nationwide tour is designed to help make children and parents aware of the dangers of masturbation in and outside of the home. If your arms are long enough to touch your private areas, you are a possible suspect in raping yourself.” Childs continued, “With the help of god and people like Horner, one day masturbation will finally be illegal.”

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. For a complete list of dates and locations of this nationwide tour, click here. For more information or if you would like your school to participate, please call the 24-hour Anti-Masturbation Tour Hotline at (785) 273-0325.

Horner is being held at the Multnomah County Jail awaiting his bond hearing. He is currently charged with public masturbation, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and sexual exploitation of a child.

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Comments

  1. Pray for Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin who was obviously wrongfully accused of these horrible crimes. Praise Fappy!

  2. Dennis System says:

    FREE FAPPY!!!!

  3. Captain Obvious says:

    #IRONIC

  4. Samantha Harrison says:

    give Fappy the anti-masturbation dolphin a second chance… the kids just love em!

  5. I guess the lesson learned here is; if you are ever the mascot for an anti-masturbation campaign, don’t get caught masturbating in public.


  6. Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin needs
    your help and support in ending masturbation!
    Get your very own Fappy® merchandise here!

  7. Children's signatures says:

  8. Director Of Kony 2012 Announces Plans For Anti-Masturbation Documentary says:

    Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin who recently kicked off a 31-city nationwide school tour on March 6th just happened to be in San Diego today talking with various schools in the area about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. “Masturbation is the devil’s playground,” Fappy® told reporters. “By getting to the children when they’re young and before they’ve had a chance to rape themselves, that’s when you can truly make a difference. Fappy® and friends are just thrilled to be helping Jason with his new documentary and look forward to it’s completion.”

    http://superofficialnews.com/public-masturbator-director-of-kony-2012-vows-to-never-masturbate-again/

  9. Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin Tour Dates & Locations says:

  10. Remember what Fappy the dolphin says... says:

    Fappy

  11. This bastard is teaching our children!!! WTF!

  12. Thomas Tiddlebum says:

    Fappy has been helping me in halting the evils of touching my no-no place. When he came to our school, I was afraid at first, but he really helped make me feel special in the closet and even though his candy had some fuzz on it, it was still good. I liked his funny eeep eeep noises he made when he showed me how not to touch my devil’s wand.

  13. Maltazard says:

    Since when is jerkin’ off not healthy? I did not see a feasible enough reason among the so called of jerkin’ off on the article. Waste of taxpayers money

  14. The best flask EVER says:
  15. Rubit The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin says:

  16. No more gays or masturbation in San Francisco!!!!!!!! says:

    Numbers are now just starting to come in, but so far it looks like Fappy®’s two day visit to San Francisco was a complete success! Next stop on the anti-masturbation tour is Portland, Oregon!

    • Whatever says:

      What about beeing gay is “wrong”? What about Fapping is “wrong”?
      Get your facts straight. It is proven that masturbating actually is good for your stamina, fertility and health.
      This is so wrong in so many ways. On the one hand you want everyone to be allowed to have a weapon because of the “freedom” and “free choice” and on the other hand you want to make masturbating illegal which harm no one and is very private?

      • Piffy Stiffenz says:

        what is wrong with being gay? Um duh, your sexual orientation is inverted. Either it is an obvious birth defect or it is a conditioned dysfunction. Those are the only two options if we are going to disregard people who are just perverts and deviants who refuse to consider any moral implications of their sexual indulgences.

  17. FREE FAPPY'S HAT! says:

  18. Darious Rubics says:

    I LOVE YOU FAPPY! YOU MADE ME FAP FREE AND I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT!!!!

  19. Fapzilla says:

    Hahahahahaha I can’t believe this is fucking real. Are people really dense enough to believe this drivel? Oh wait…they’re all probably Christian…so yes, they are dense indeed.

  20. Draco Nidhoggson says:

    SERIOUSLY?! hahaha hilarious and ironic… this guy deserves that… Oh! by the way, not to be mean for those who LOVE this Fappy… but he probably will end up being the girl of someone on jail… and even get killed for trying to stop the masturbation in there…

  21. Astrochronic says:

    This is an obvious set up. Does anyone really believe this is a serious thing? FAPPY??? FAPPY the anti-masturbating DOLPHIN? Dolphins widely known to be one of the most masturbatory animals in the world. This who thing is a setup. Its a hoax to make fun of the idiots who thought it was a sincere initiative to discourage masturbating. People are dumb, but that doesn’t make this crap funny. Its just sick.

    • Piffy Stiffenz says:

      I totally agree Astro, so I am going to quote you and pretend I thought of it. Thanks. Yay for me.

  22. free him says:

    free him

  23. Bill Matthews says:

    I masturbated so much today.

  24. Dale Baker says:

    I masturbated to this.

  25. But Fappy, can’t I just do it until I need glasses?

    What a crock of crap to be wasting our tax money on. This guy is a pedophile pervert.

  26. Dorky Porky says:

    This has to be a joke. I hope this goofball gets ass-raped in prison.

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