Archives for October 2012

Millions Feared Dead By Hurricane Sandy: Pussy Name For A Hurricane To Blame

October 29, 2012 by 6 Comments

Hurricane Sandy has such a pussy name for a hurricaneNew York, NY — Officials are now saying the death toll of Hurricane Sandy could be in the millions, this all due to the hurricane being given such a pussy name. “People didn’t think this hurricane was going to be that big of a deal,” Danielle Patch from the Red Cross said. “People were out there dancing in the rain with horse masks on playing grab ass, and now they’re all dead.”

New York City Police Chief Paul Horner said he’s extremely disappointed in the hurricane’s name and told reporters what he would have named it if it was up to him. “They needed to name it something more menacing like Hurricane Shaniqua or Hurricane Satan Hell Fire,” Horner said. “I wouldn’t mess with those bitches. You wouldn’t have to tell me twice to evacuate after hearing those names.”

32-year-old Mike Simmons who gave the Hurricane it’s name said he’s truly sorry. “I thought it was a good name at first,” Simmons told reporters. “I figured it would get quite ‘sandy’ during this hurricane, so it was kind of a play on words. Boy was I wrong.” Simmons continued, “I think I’m gay too. Yeah, mom and dad if you’re reading this, I’m coming out of the closet. I’m gay. I hope you can accept my sexuality and I hope the rest of the world can forgive me for naming the hurricane such a pussy name.”

It’s not clear if the hurricane’s name will be changed mid-hurricane but critics are doing all they can. “This pussy hurricane’s name needs to change now,” says Michael Anthony Claypool, a meteorologist for WPIX TV in New York. “The people that don’t have to deal with this hurricane are all laughing at us right now, and I don’t think it’s funny one bit. Plus with all the couples being forced to stay in doors because of this storm, in nine months do you know how many kids in New York with the lame name Sandy there are going to be? Lots. Not cool guy who named this hurricane, not cool at all.”

For more information about Hurricane Sandy or to vote on changing the name of the hurricane to something more frightening please contact the Hurricane Sandy Name Change Crisis Hotline at (785) 273-0325.

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Fuck Mitt Romney.

October 29, 2012 by 17 Comments

Fuck Mitt RomneyNote: This article is currently being reviewed by the Pulitzer Prize Board of Directors. Awards for the Pulitzer and excellence in journalism will be announced by the end of this year.

Washington, D.C. — Holy goddamn fucking shit, two-faced, cunt bitch asshole, Mitt Romney. Fucking lame ass, punk bitch cocksucker, fucking up my shit! Motherfucker, ass cunt 47%, fuckin’ shit. Putting down his own $5,000 to buy food to donate to his bitch ass for Sandy, fake photo opp motherfucker. Fucking bitch, cuntface dickhead ass-hat.

Carpetmuncher, cockfucker, gift-from-god-rape or fuckin’ legitimate rape? Douchewaffle Romney, tittyfuck binders full of women, cumslut muffdivers. Pig-fucker Paul Ryan shitty homodumbshit, another fake photo opp faggot scrubbing clean dishes, Ayn Rand rimjob, thundercunt Vice Presidential running mate.

Corporations are people bullshit, boner handjob, fuck. Deregulate everything polesmokers. Ass clowns Romney/Ryan douchebag faggots, no plan. 1% get richer, cum guzzling dickweasels. Poor and working class get bonerfilled harder. Nation fucking collapses. Fuck!

President of the World, Paul Horner asks, “How?”

Answer: Fucking fear, lies, misinformation, Fox News, evil, the Bible Belt, rigged voting machines, old angry white people, ignorance, stupidity, racism, corporate money, teabagging shitfaced dicknozels.

Poor people? The middle class? Education? Healthcare? Jobs? Economy? Women’s rights? Gay rights? Fuck it!

Romnesia shit, goddamn delusional dickbag. Asshead, windows on a plane should open? Fucking retard! Mormon Romney is a god of his own universe when he dies. Kolob cult, dumb fucking shit.

Fuck Mitt Romney.

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14 Billion Dollars Worth Of Drugs Stolen From DEA Warehouse In Daring Heist

October 28, 2012 by 18 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 10/28/2012 6:00:12 PM PDT

El Paso drug heist DEA 14 billion dollars worth of drugsEl Paso, TX — In something straight out of a movie, the Drug Enforcement Administration is telling reporters that a group of 10 armed men stormed a warehouse in El Paso, Texas and made off with more than 14 billion dollars of various illegal drugs, making this by far the largest robbery in history. The burglary happened last night when men wearing ski masks and armed with automatic weapons were able to overpower the guards protecting the warehouse. The drugs were being stored as evidence in upcoming criminal trials and then eventually would have been incinerated. Most of the drugs being stored in the warehouse had been seized from The Sinaloa and the Zetas cartel.

Paul Horner who heads up the DEA in El Paso said he’s saddened by news of the robbery but happy that no one was injured. “Luckily none of the guards or police at the warehouse were injured in this tragic event,” Horner said. “It’s just a shame all these drugs will be back on the street.”

A list was made available to reporters of the drugs stolen from the warehouse:

  • 4,600 tons of Marijuana
  • 2,500 kilos of Cocaine
  • 950 kilos of Heroin
  • 810 kilos of Methamphetamine
  • 36,000,000 pills of Ecstasy
  • 1.2 tons of Ketamine
  • 1.1 tons of Bath Salts

Officials said the armed men made entry into the warehouse by way of air ducts in the ventilation system. They subdued the guards and police in and outside of the building. Cameras show at least 5 white vans and a tractor-trailer leaving the seen of the crime.

El Paso resident 19-year-old Ben Sanders said he is happy to hear that these drugs will be back on the street. “Things were getting pretty dry around here for a moment,” Sanders said. “I was getting desperate, smoking this horrible dirt weed my neighbor has. Hopefully some of this stolen 4,600 tons of herb out there is chronic and I can get my hands on some.” Sanders continued, “This whole ‘war on drugs’ is truly a shame. All the violence, the killings, the millions of addicts in prison, the multi-billion dollar a year black market activity. None of it would exist if drugs were just made legal and heavily regulated. People that do drugs are going to do drugs regardless if they are legal or not. No one is going to start slamming heroin just because it’s legal.”

If anyone has any information about this robbery, officials are urging people to contact (785) 273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.

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eHarmony Acquires Romney’s Binders Full Of Women For Their Premium Members

October 20, 2012 by 7 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 10/20/2012 11:00:42 PM PDT

eHarmony buys Mitt Romney's binders full of womenSanta Monica, CA — The online dating website eHarmony is proud to announce that it has purchased Mitt Romney’s binders full of women and is making them exclusively available to all of their premium members.

Paul Horner who is the president of eHarmony said he is excited to offer it’s members more options when it comes to dating. “At eHarmony we are ecstatic to have worked out a deal with the Romney camp in acquiring these binders full of women,” Horner said. “Dating and finding that perfect match is hard enough these days. But now with Romney’s binders full of women it will make it that much easier when it comes to finding your true soul mate.”

The ‘binders full of woman’ controversy occurred during Tuesday’s presidential debate in a response to a question on gender pay inequality. “I went to a number of women’s groups and said, ‘Can you help us find folks,’ and they brought us whole binders full of women,” Romney said.

Critics of eHarmony offering these binders full of women to their members say it is wrong and immoral. “These binders are meant to help these women find jobs, not be targeted by horny men on a dating site. This is just disgusting what eHarmony and Romney are doing,” 33-year old Garret Roach from Minnesota said. “After this there is no way that I would vote for Mitt Romney. Even though Obama is black, he now has my vote.”

Dick Johnson from the Romney campaign said selling the binders of women to eHarmony was meant to help the economy and is in no way meant to embarrass these women. “By now the women in these binders would have found jobs, but they haven’t,” Johnson told reporters. “Mitt Romney is concerned about the well being of these women. He knows that if they can’t get a job at least they can find a husband through eHarmony who will support them while they cook and clean and raise the babies.”

To sign up for eHarmony’s new program called eRomoney you can contact the 24-hour Binders Full Of Women Hotline at (785) 273-0325.

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Obama: Halloween Changed To November 2nd This Year

October 13, 2012 by 13 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 10/13/2012 4:00:42 PM PDT

Halloween date changes this yearWashington, DC — President Obama held a press conference today to announce some new changes his office plans on implementing to make the country run more efficiently. Obama and his team are calling these new changes ‘DAFUQ’, which is an initialism for ‘Defending America’s Family Unifying Quality’. The first DAFUQ will be implemented this month and will be applied towards changing the date of Halloween from October 31st to November 2nd.

“It works out better for everyone this way,” Obama told reporters. “Instead of Halloween falling on a weekday, it now falls on a Friday. That means the kids get to stay out later and collect more candy because it’s not a school night. The young adults get to stay up later and socialize because it’s a weekend, thus spending for local businesses will increase. And the homeowners passing out the candy are not bothered that they have to hand out candy till 9 or 10 pm since for most Americans, a Saturday usual means a day off of work.”

Mike Wang who is a customs agent at the Canadian border said he’s worried about all the possible criminal activity that could occur with after Halloween specials. “Since Canada’s Halloween will go on as regularly scheduled, we are worried about people buying up all the Halloween discounted merchandise in Canada on November 1st, smuggling their goods into the states and then selling them to the people there at full price,” Wang said. “We hope that Canada and the United States can work together on this to prevent criminals from taking advantage of the situation.”

Paul Horner who is in charge of the DAFUQ Task Force says rules will strongly be enforced for any lawbreakers. “We’ll be working with local and national law enforcement to make sure these new changes are not taken advantage of. Any children caught trick-or-treating on October 31st instead of November 2nd will be arrested and prosecuted,” Horner said. “We’ll be posting all the new laws online shortly. As long as you’re following the rules there is no reason that you or any of your family members will end up in prison.”

Obama finished the press conference by explaining the possible future of DAFUQ. “This is just one of our many ideas we’re planning to roll out to make the country run more smoothly,” Obama said. “We might be doing to this for Thanksgiving and Christmas too. We’re currently exploring the idea of Christmas falling sometime in February, maybe around Valentines Day, but we’ll see how Halloween in November works out first.”

To report anyone trick-or-treating on October 31st or for more information, please contact the DAFUQ 24-hour hot line at (785) 273-0325.

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Lay’s® Announces Top 3 Finalists For The Million Dollar Prize In The LAY’S® Do Us A Flavor™ Contest

October 5, 2012 by 271 Comments

Lay's® Potato Chips held a press conference today to announce it's top three qualifiers for their Make a New Lay's® Flavor million dollar prize that they will be given away on November 1st.El Paso, TX — Lay’s® Potato Chips held a press conference today to announce it’s top three finalists for The LAY’S® Do Us A Flavor™ Contest. The first place winner will receive a million dollars that will be given away February 29th, 2013.

Lay’s® president Bill Hanover said it was a tough decision picking the top three flavors. “We received millions of great submissions and tasty flavors, but in the end I think we picked the best three. Now it’s up to the public to decide who gets the million dollars!”

Joyce Barth was one of the entrants in the contest and said she was sad to hear that she was not one of the top three chosen. “I really thought my Apricot Chipotle had a chance,” Barth said. “Well at least I hope the prize goes to a good person who really deserves the money.”

Paul Horner from Laveen, Arizona is one of the top three finalists. He explained to reporters today about his potato chip entry and what his thought process was behind creating it. “My three ingredients for my ‘Mitt Romney Hates You’ potato chip was ‘Poor People’, ‘Blacks & Latinos’ and the ‘LGBT Community’,” Horner said. “Then I started thinking that flavor would be pretty gross. That’s kind of like what a cannibalism flavor would taste like if there was one. So I decided to change the flavor to more of an evil, lying, anti-christ flavor with each bite thinking it’s better than you are. Well, that’s what the judges liked I guess because now I’m one of the top three finalists. That million dollar prize is mine!”

Here are the top three choices Lay’s® made available for the voting public. The top voted on flavor by February 29th, 2013 at midnight will receive the million dollars. You must have a Facebook account to vote. Choose wisely!

Mitt Romney despises you
Mitt Romney doesn't like you
Mitt Romney hates you
UPDATE 3/22/14: LAY’S® Do Us A Flavor™ Announces Top Three Finalists For Million Dollar Grand Prize

The LAY’S® Do Us A Flavor™ Contest began on July 20, 2012. The contest was open to legal residents of any of the 50 United States or District of Columbia, who were 18 years of age or older at the time of entry. Winners will be notified by mail. For the names of the winners, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope which must be received by February 29th, 2013 to: LAY’S Do Us A Flavor Sweepstakes Winner’s List, PO Box 750519, El Paso, TX 88575-0519.

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