New York, NY — Officials are now saying the death toll of Hurricane Sandy could be in the millions, this all due to the hurricane being given such a pussy name. “People didn’t think this hurricane was going to be that big of a deal,” Danielle Patch from the Red Cross said. “People were out there dancing in the rain with horse masks on playing grab ass, and now they’re all dead.”
New York City Police Chief Paul Horner said he’s extremely disappointed in the hurricane’s name and told reporters what he would have named it if it was up to him. “They needed to name it something more menacing like Hurricane Shaniqua or Hurricane Satan Hell Fire,” Horner said. “I wouldn’t mess with those bitches. You wouldn’t have to tell me twice to evacuate after hearing those names.”
32-year-old Mike Simmons who gave the Hurricane it’s name said he’s truly sorry. “I thought it was a good name at first,” Simmons told reporters. “I figured it would get quite ‘sandy’ during this hurricane, so it was kind of a play on words. Boy was I wrong.” Simmons continued, “I think I’m gay too. Yeah, mom and dad if you’re reading this, I’m coming out of the closet. I’m gay. I hope you can accept my sexuality and I hope the rest of the world can forgive me for naming the hurricane such a pussy name.”
It’s not clear if the hurricane’s name will be changed mid-hurricane but critics are doing all they can. “This pussy hurricane’s name needs to change now,” says Michael Anthony Claypool, a meteorologist for WPIX TV in New York. “The people that don’t have to deal with this hurricane are all laughing at us right now, and I don’t think it’s funny one bit. Plus with all the couples being forced to stay in doors because of this storm, in nine months do you know how many kids in New York with the lame name Sandy there are going to be? Lots. Not cool guy who named this hurricane, not cool at all.”
For more information about Hurricane Sandy or to vote on changing the name of the hurricane to something more frightening please contact the Hurricane Sandy Name Change Crisis Hotline at (785) 273-0325.