Archives for June 2013

I Don’t Know About You, But Times Are Changing, And I Don’t Like It One Bit, Not One Darn Bit I Tell Ya!

So the queers now have the same rights as us straight people when it comes to marriage?

What’s next, women will be allowed to vote? The Negros will have the same rights as us good, decent, hardworking white folks? I don’t know about you, but times are changing, and this reporter doesn’t like it one bit, not one darn bit I tell ya! I don’t even care if it says anything in the Bible about gay people not being allowed to get married, it’s just icky. It’s immoral and wrong!

We are a Christian nation and can make up the rules as we go along! It’s our religious freedom and we demand it! The Government needs to stop making laws based on fact and votes and other such hogwash and needs to start making their laws based on a 2,000 year old book that everyone should be forced to believe in. That is the root of the problem right there; everyone is not forced to believe what we believe. This country is going straight to Hell in a handbasket!

This is truly a sad day for all the real Americans out there and I’m mad as heck!

Guinness World Record For Longest Twitter Hashtag Has Been Announced

#HELLOIAMA34YEAROLDNAMEDPAULHORNERANDFUCKEDAHOTBLACKGIRLLASTNIGHTFORTHEFIRSTTIMEINMYLIFE
ANDITWASSOBIGBOOTYAWESOMEIJUSTHADTOBRAGABOUTITANDALSOPROMOTEBIGBOOTYHOESTOTHEWHITEGUYS
OUTTHERETHATAREAFRAIDBECAUSESERIOUSLYYOUHAVENOTHINGTOFEAREXCEPTHESTRONGPOSSIBILITYYOF
GETTINGROBBEDATGUNPOINTANDCATCHNGAIDSBUTREGARDLESSITISSTILLWORTHITJUSSAYINBOOMERNICHOLS

Guinness World Record For Longest Twitter Hashtag

Guinness World Record Hashtag award

Hating Anything In Life Is Only Hating Yourself

Hate, intolerance, racism all can be fixedHate, intolerance and racism in this world could all be a thing of the past but it first starts with you. This is your life and you can choose to live it however you want. There is no one stopping you from living a life full of love and acceptance except yourself.

I was hanging out with this girl last night at my house who is lucky enough to have a permanent tan. She knows I write and do standup and wanted to hear some jokes. I told her a few and then warned her about the next one. “I’m going to tell it to you”, I said, “But you might find it racist or offensive.” She said, “Say it! I want to hear it!” So after a moment of thinking, I told her the joke.

“I’m so tired of people referring to things by adding color in the description. For example, ‘Hey everybody, check out my new black shoes!’ Why can’t they just say, ‘Hey everybody, check out my new shoes?’ The same goes for painting. Why do people have to say ‘black paint’? Why can’t they just say, ‘Jamal, please paint the fence’.”

She started laughing and milk actually shot out of her nose. I didn’t even have any milk in the house. She must have brought it from home, maybe in a milk flask or something.

I asked her if that joke was too racist or offensive. She kind of blew my mind with her answer and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. She said, “The people that find that joke racist, are racist. It’s something deep down, almost subconscious. It’s something that they don’t like about themselves. So instead of fixing their problem they take their anger and frustrations out on someone else.”

Nevermind album cover by the band Nirvana

The controversial ‘Nevermind’ album cover by the band Nirvana released on September 24, 1991.

Think about most of the Republicans out there like Rick Santorum for example. He hides his hate and homophobia behind a 2,000-year-old book. That guy thinks about gay sex more than gay people think about gay sex.

As a person in office that represents the gay hate machine, Santorum will never publicly come out of the closet, but I guarantee that sooner or later a scandal will emerge about him being with another man. It’s only a matter of time.

Kurt Cobain said it best about the cover of his 1991 album Nevermind:

“If you’re offended by this, you must be a closet pedophile.”

Indian Woman Stoned To Death For Sending Husband Too Many Facebook Game Requests

The Punjab Haryana High Court in India where a woman was stoned to death for disobeying her husband

The Punjab Haryana High Court in India where a woman was stoned to death today for disobeying her husband.

Punjab, INDIA — 32-year-old Indira Mahajan was stoned to death today after being found guilty by the Haryana High court of Punjab, India. Her husband, 51-year-old Bijan Kumar Mahajan said he is thrilled with the ruling and says the court’s decision brings much happiness to his friends and family.

Justice Paramjeet Singh Dhaliwal heard Mr. Mahajan’s thirty minute long testimony and immediately found the woman guilty. “I heard Mr. Mahajan’s story and it was obvious that this woman needed to pay for her crimes. She shamed her husband, her family and her entire village. Justice was definitely served today.”

During the trial Mr. Mahajan explained to Justice Dhaliwal the reason that he wanted his wife of 21-years dead. “She kept sending me Facebook game requests for a stupid game called Candy Crush Saga. I told her numerous times to stop sending me these game requests but she never listened,” Mahajan said. “She knows I don’t like candy. One time I played Candy Crush Saga and I hated it. It has candy jewels that mock you if you make a mistake. Those jewels showed much disrespect for my family. I wanted to candy crush their souls.” Mr. Mahajan continued, “I did everything I could do to have her stop sending me requests to play the game. I yelled at her, I beat her, I raped her, I let my brother rape her, I let the neighbors rape her, I let the village rape her and still she kept sending me these game requests.”


34-year-old year old Erich Sean from England who is in Punjab on business was at the trial when the guilty verdict came in. “That poor, poor girl. What is wrong with these people? I have to get the fu*k out of this backwards country tonight!”

At a press conference in New York, Paul Horner who is the the president of ‘People against Games on Facebook’ (PGF) explained to reporters about the dangers of sending Facebook game requests to friends and family members. “This is just one of the many problems that can arise when people send game requests on Facebook. Your annoying friend on Facebook gets the brilliant idea that you might want to stop what you are doing and help them build a cartoon barn or plant a field of carrots,” Horner told CNN. “So they send you a game request and then you have to log in to Facebook to see what your friend sent. You then see it is something you could absolutely care less about, you get mad and then you want to kill them. Eventually the tragic event that took place in Punjab today is going to happen somewhere else. It’s only a matter of time.”

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rapes in India

UPDATE 11/7/13: Woman of India, it’s your fault.

UPDATE 10/8/13:
View India’a Response Here

UPDATE 10/9/13:
India Ends Diplomatic Relations With The U.S. Over Satirical Article

UPDATE 11/13/13:
Top India police official says, “If you can’t prevent rape, you enjoy it.”

Facebook Whistleblower Says Fake Accounts Makeup Half Of All Current Users

Bill Murray saves a child in London, England from certain death

Paul Horner seen here (not his real name) talks to the BBC News about Facebook and their hundreds of thousands of fake accounts.

London, England — An insider working at the offices of Facebook in London, England told the BBC News today that almost half the accounts on Facebook are fake. He said these shill accounts are known to exist and Facebook is fully aware of them yet does nothing to delete them.

Paul Horner (not his real name) told the BBC that the shill accounts are not deleted for the sole purpose of keeping Facebook’s stock price up. “I think it is wrong what Facebook is doing and it’s finally time that someone came forward to expose this scam and that someone is me,” Horner said. “Facebook claims it has over 1 billion active monthly users. The real numbers are closer to 600,000 at the most. If that news were made public the stock price would plummet, so Facebook is careful not to take action against the fake accounts or to disclose that information.”

Horner then went on to list the sites with the most fake users on Facebook. “With the private data that I have personally seen, the pages that have the most fake users are the ones belonging to Fox News, Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Bill O’ReillyRush Limbaugh, Rick Perry, Michele Bachman & Sarah Palin just to name some of the top offenders,” Horner said. “The fake users are easy to spot on their pages. Anyone agreeing with these people or telling them how much they love and appreciate what they are doing for America; that is a dead giveaway.” Horner continued, “All the Tea Party fan pages out there, those are 80-90% fake users. There is just not that much hate in the world for pages like those to have the numbers they do, and the companies that fund those pages know that too. So they create thousands of fake accounts and pay people with no morals to work their agendas using those shill accounts. Or they just let the shill account stay inactive but it gives the page the appearance of having more users than it actually does.”


Horner finished the interview by telling the BBC News where he got his inspiration to be a whistleblower. “If Edward Snowden has the courage to come forward and expose the NSA, then I can do the same in exposing Facebook.”

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg could not be reached for comment at the time of this press release. Facebook, Inc., ticker symbol FB, is currently trading at 23.48 -0.25‎ (-1.04%‎).

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Verizon Wireless Offering New ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’

Bill Murray saves a child in London, England from certain death

Picture: NSA Surveillance Van

New York, NY — Verizon held a press conference today to announce their new ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’. This announcement comes just days after news leaked that communication companies have been sharing Americans’ phone records with the National Security Agency (NSA).

Verizona CEO President Paul Horner explained to reporters about the new plan. “At Verizon we understand your concerns when it comes to privacy and your phone calls being monitored. So starting July 1st we are pleased to offer customers our new ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’. This cellphone plan comes with 128-bit encryption and is guaranteed to be effective against the F.B.I or NSA from listening in on your phone calls.”

President Barack Obama told reporters he understands the distress of the American people and is doing all he can to fix the situation. “I know I’ve made some promises in the last 5 years that I’ve kind of gone and done the complete opposite of and for that I truly am sorry. The Afghan war, Iraq war and Guantanamo Bay is still open. I’m sorry. I promised you no unwarranted wiretapping. I told you I was strongly against that, but signed off on it anyway. Sorry about that. The National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) that I authorized allowing indefinite military detention of American citizens without charge or trial. I am sorry. I told you I would be lenient on marijuana laws. As it turns out I’ve actually used the DEA to put more people in prison than any other president. That’s another blunder of mine I feel absolutely horrible about,” Obama said. “Drones, the war on whistle-blowers and increased surveillance with no transparency on any of our programs. Once again, I just gotta say, I’m sorry. The NSA monitoring American’s customer records from the three major phone networks as well as emails and web searches and cataloged credit-card transactions. My bad.” Obama continued, “We need to come together as the great country that we are and work through these problems in the name of “safety” and for the children. Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!”


Horner described the new Verizon program to CNN. “The ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’ starts at only $59.95 and for users that are looking for more minutes we offer an unlimited plan for only $149.95 a month. I think this will be a great way for customers to feel secure when using our service and not have to worry about getting arrested.”

Obama continued to explain some of his actions that he plans to fix. “The illegal wiretapping of American citizens needs to stop. No more national security letters to spy on citizens who are not suspected of a crime. We cannot allow NSA agents to literally watch what you type, as you type it,” Obama said. “The NSA’s reach has infiltrated nearly every major internet company’s servers, including Google, Facebook and Microsoft. We need to stop tracking citizens who do nothing but protest a misguided war. There will be no more ignoring the law when it is inconvenient. I promise to start fixing everything just as soon as humanly possible. You can trust me.” Obama continued, “I do have some good news though. In May the economy gained almost 179,000 new jobs! Unfortunately, most of those were F.B.I and NSA jobs to monitor your phone calls.”

Tweet from Verizon about the NSA and their new NSA Ant-Share Plan

Long-time Verizon user Ivan Schleinkofer told reporters he does not mind that the F.B.I. and NSA have been monitoring his phone calls. “I travel so that means I’m away from my wife a lot of the times. We like to have phone sex and we’re really big into voyeurism. If these agencies have been listening in on our phone calls for the past five years, they have heard some pretty kinky stuff,” Schleinkofer said. “Though I heard it’s only about one in five phone calls they listen to. Is there any way we can get them to listen in on us more than that? What if I tell my wife I want to stick my nuclear missile in her Al-Qaeda hiding spot? That would probably draw some red flags. I’ll have to try that tonight.”

To upgrade to the new ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’ you can visit your local Verizon Wireless store or call (785) 273-0325.