CONFIRMED TRUE: Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin WAS Arrested At SeaWorld For Masturbating In Public
There is a story going around the internet about a dolphin mascot for a Christian anti-masturbation organization who was arrested at SeaWorld for public masturbation. This story is in fact TRUE. On November 13th Fappy, AKA Paul Horner, was arrested at Sea World after employees notified police about a man swimming in the dolphin tank […]
Making its way around the internet is a story about a book titled, ‘The Black House‘. The best-selling book is about an Ex-Secret Service agent who claims that Obama is a Muslim and also a homosexual. This has been confirmed as TRUE. We spoke with Lawn Gnome Publishing‘s owner, Aaron Johnson, who put out the […]
Salisbury, NC — In an article originally published by NBC News, Survivor band members claim they are suing Kim Davis and Mike Huckabee for $1.2 million dollars for using their song “Eye of the Tiger” without permission. This story has been confirmed true by the lawyer representing Survivor. “We have filed the necessary paperwork with […]
According to Fox News, the Copenhagen brand of chewing tobacco recently launched a new ad campaign targeting teenagers. The ads, which began showing up last month in teen magazines like Seventeen, have parents all over the country up in arms. “It’s sickening what Copenhagen is doing,” Samantha Davies of Truth, an anti-tobacco organization, told Fox […]
DeQuincy, LA — In a Louisiana courtroom today, 15-year-old Paul Horner broke down in tears after a judge found the young man guilty on two counts of domestic terrorism and was sentenced to twenty-five years to life in federal prison. Horner is the first person in history to be charged with what is known as […]
London, England — What is Bill Murray not capable of doing? According to Fox News and NBC, that is the question being asked by London residents and police today as Murray saved the life of a 9-year-old girl from certain death after he pushed her out of the way at the last second of a […]
Phoenix, Arizona — After 22-years of controversy, the tents in Phoenix, Arizona are finally coming down. In a unanimous decision early this morning, the Maricopa County Board of Supervisors voted in favor of closing the facility this December. Paul Horner with the American Civil Liberties Union spoke with reporters about the closing of Tent City. […]
Since Friday, when the Supreme court ruled in favor of legalizing gay marriage, entrepreneurs around the world have been figuring out ways to cash in. Phoenix, Arizona resident, Paul Horner told local news station ABC 15 how he got his business rolling. “It was actually really simple,” Horner said. “I bought a van, fixed it […]
Beginning July 4th, the US Mint will begin its limited release of Caitlyn Jenner Commemorative Gold Coins. The move is said to celebrate Caitlyn’s bravery and living the American dream. “This coin symbolizes a shared history and friendship with the sports star,” said U.S. Mint Director Paul Horner. The coin is legal tender and is […]
Hollywood, CA — Fight Club fans around the world are celebrating as a sequel to the cult classic has just been announced. This is the must-see movie of the decade and probably the most highly anticipated film in recent memory. David Fincher, director of the first Fight Club movie, confirmed with E! Online that production […]
Phoenix, Arizona — A McDonald’s restaurant in is scrapping the idea of employing humans to run its new store opening in Phoenix, Arizona and going with robots. The robots will take orders, collect money, make food, you name and they can do it. Paul Horner, the stores manager, and only human, told CNN he will […]
London, England — The graffiti artist and pothole activist known as Wanksy has been arrested. The City of London Police told the BBC that Wanksy’s real name is Paul Edwin Horner. London Police Chief James Edwards held a press conference explain how Horner was finally apprehended. “We had a 24-hour Anti-Graffiti Pothole Task Force monitoring […]
In a hacked email by the hackivist group Anonymous, the First Lady Michelle Obama has accepted Hillary Clinton’s offer as running mate for the presidential election in 2016. In a posting to the website Pastebin Hillary says: “It thrills me that you have accepted my offer as my running mate in 2016, you will make […]
Facebook will begin charging its users $1.99/mo starting June 1st. The change takes place after Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg held a press conference today announcing the news. “This is something that must be done,” Zuckerberg told reporters. If you cannot afford the monthly fee, in a new status update, copy and paste the words, ‘I […]
Beginning in June President Obama will sign an executive order to raise the minimum wage to $25/hr. Some individuals agree with this and some do not. Obama said this is thing that must be done to help the economy and lower the national debt. Rand Paul says he does not agree with the decision made […]
Just when you thought the drug problem in Colorado could not get any worse, law enforcement officials are now reporting incidents of marijuana users turning gay. “We’ve never seen anything like this,” said Dr. Paul Horner of the Barrow Neurological Institute. “The drug users in Colorado are injecting a strain of marijuana that changes the […]
Beginning June 1st, Facebook will require signed parental consent forms for any users under the age of 18. Those under the age of 18 will begin to receive consent forms in their Facebook inbox as soon as May 1st. To receive your form early, you can click this link here provided or call the 24-hour […]
Doctors in Africa are reporting that a 36-year-old man has made an 80% recovery after receiving the first ever head transplant. Horner, whose body was riddled with bone cancer, received the donor body from a 21-year-old man who has been brain dead from a car accident back in 2012. Doctors are excited about the surgery […]
Washington, DC — At a press conference today, President Barack Obama announced he would be implementing a new law changing the current monthly 4-Week church services down to 2 times a month. Obama says during these rough economic times it crucial to take drastic measures so Americans can work work harder and pray less. These […]
MORE SUPER OFFICIAL NEWS
>> SUPER OFFICIAL BREAKING NEWS:[Updated 03-18-14] News that Fred Phelps with the Westboro Baptist Church finally dieing is fantastic! It does not matter what your beliefs are in anything, all this guy did was bad. He tried to stop love by spreading hate. And he did. People hate Fred Phelps. But now, and hopefully soon, this pure evil will be gone from the planet. That is great news!
The 4th of July celebrates a victory over an oppressive government. Right now it seems like we're in the same position we were in before, but a lot worse.
The corrupt banking system, unnecessary wars, the 1% in total power, Wall Street, unemployment, the recession, the debt, whistleblowers getting locked up, the Federal Reserve, huge corporations buying politicians, Drones, TSA, NDAA, NWO, PRISM and the NSA... just to name a few.
This country needs a new 4th of July.
[Updated 06-26-13] My hero, Edward Snowden, current hide-and-seek champion of the world. Click here for full image!
[Updated 06-24-13] Oh wow, George Zimmerman quit his job and even resigned from the Men's Wearhouse board of directors. I didn't even know that was the same guy. I wonder if his last words to Trayvon Martin were, "You're going to like the way you look. I guarantee it."
On a somewhat related note: To the 8th grade girl that sat behind me in English class when I lived in Minnesota who I talked to once which included the exact six words, "Can I please borrow a pencil?" I'm friends with you on here for some reason. So please get super offended by the above joke and delete me. Thank you so much!
[Updated 06-17-13] This is Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin's new movement to inform the general public about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. If it can save just one soul, this multi-million dollar ad campaign will be worth it! Click here to see one of their first nationwide ads.
[Updated 06-05-13] New Study Proves Global Climate Change Is Linked Directly To Masturbation!
A recent study by the Foundation for a Better Tomorrow has revealed that masturbation is the primary cause for warming, rising sea levels, and an increase in severe weather.
Masturbation causes friction and heavy breathing, both result in heat and CO2 emissions. The Semen result from masturbation runs to the oceans where it sinks to the bottoms forever raising the sea level.
For more information on this groundbreaking find, please visit STOP Masturbation NOW. It is never too late to stop masturbating and save this planet before it turns into a flaming, molten lava fireball of terror and destruction that will kill us all.
[Updated 05-25-13] COMING SOON! Super Official News Presents: Twenty Slow News Days. Available for download on iPad, iPod, iPhone, Kindle etc. This will be the best book you have ever read in your entire life. To view a full size of the cover, click here.
[Updated 04-15-13] Welcome to the new members of the Super Official Action News Team! Of course you already know Blaine Anderson (center), but now joining him will be Nathan McDaniels (left) and Dariusz Krawczyk (right). Welcome aboard new team members! Lets make Super Official News the most super and official news site on the planet!
[Updated 04-11-13] GREAT NEWS EVERYONE! We raised the $10,000,000 ransom that was demanded by North Korea for the safe release of Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin! Thanks to your tax payer dollars, Fappy® is now a free dolphin! Fappy® says it was a long 7 days being held captive without food or water but he's looking forward to being in Seattle, Washington on April 12th. While there he will be speaking with various elementary schools in the area about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. Fappy® only has 20 cities left on his 31-city nationwide anti-masturbation school tour. If your school would like Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin to speak to your students please contact us immediately as spaces are extremely limited. Praise Fappy®!
[Updated 04-04-13] We have just received word from Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin in North Korea. The conversation was brief, but apparently Dennis Rodman is planning to team up with Kim Jung Un to rule the world. It is still unclear what their policies on masturbation will be, but Fappy® will definitely get to the bottom of this mess. In the meantime, please take two seconds and sign the following petition to help us deport Dennis Rodman from the United States. Thank you!
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