San Francisco, CA — The ‘war on Christmas’ continues as a simple well-wishing of ‘Merry Christmas’ has led to big trouble for one fourth-grade San Francisco boy this week. Timothy Dawson, a 9-year-old student at Argon Elementary School in San Francisco, CA., was in the school cafeteria Monday eating with friends when he was taken to the […]
San Francisco, CA — On Monday history was made at the Chapel of Our Lady at the Presidio in San Francisco as the first-ever state recognized human-animal marriage took place. Local resident 35-year-old Paul Horner was the groom during the ceremony. Joining him was his faithful dog Mac who is 36-years-old in dog years. Mac […]
St. Louis, MO — 93-year-old Gladis Bennett was on her way to visit her grandchildren as she usual does every Saturday morning. The air was crisp and cool without a cloud in the sky. It was a special morning too. It was her granddaughter’s 14th birthday. Bennett who has a pension from the military was […]
Phoenix, AZ — An Arizona man got the surprise of his life when a ten dollar investment at a neighborhood garage sale this weekend turned him into a millionaire overnight. 35-year-old Paul Horner was out walking his dog Mac when he came upon a neighborhood yard sale and decided to stop. “I found an old […]
Apple Valley, MN — A Minnesota waitress got an unwelcome surprise this week when instead of getting a tip she received a disturbing note mocking her faith. It all happened at the Perkins Restaurant in Apple Valley where 37-year-old Shelly Anderson has worked as a waitress for over three years. “I served this gentlemen and […]
Assam, INDIA — People in India are outraged by a satirical article that appeared on an American website reporting a rape festival taking place in India’s northeastern state of Assam. “We rape the evil demons out of the girls, otherwise they will cheat on us and we will be forced to kill them. So it […]
Washington, DC — More bad news for ObamaCare as users of its website Healthcare.gov report finding pornographic material on a number of their signup pages. CGI Federal, the IT contractor responsible for the site said the obscene content was uploaded by a disgruntled employee. Ken Renynolds who is a spokesman for CGI Federal told CNN […]
Times are tight for most families. It seems everyone is struggling in one way or another just to get by. So here is a helpful tool to save a little hard-earned scratch this upcoming Christmas; Santa Claus! More and more parents are relying on the fat man in red than ever before. So go on, […]
Overland Park, Kansas — President Obama made a surprise visit to a Kansas restaurant where he spoke with a waiter who made national headlines last week for receiving an anti-gay message and no gratuity from a couple that he had waited on. It all began last week when a man and a woman dined at […]
Washington, DC — In 2012, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention jumped on the recent explosion of zombies in popular culture by launching a page dedicated to ‘zombie preparedness’, admitting that their tongue-in-cheek campaign, designed to engage new audiences in preparation for natural disasters, had become an effective platform for promoting hurricane, pandemic, earthquake, […]
The information being provided by the Obama administration about ObamaCare is not just confusing but is dead wrong. As a true American we must come together and stand up for our civil liberties. It is our job as Americans to inform others about the facts behind this corrupt health care system. When it comes to the […]
La Falda, Argentina — Residents of a small town in Argentina are celebrating today as one of their own citizens has become the new record holder in the field of masturbation. From 8pm Thursday evening until 8pm Friday night, 22-year-old Hugo Lopez from the city of La Falda masturbated a total of 83 times. This […]
Washington, DC — While up to 800,000 federal workers faced life without a paycheck as Day One of the government shutdown kicked in, President Barack Obama held a press conference to announce that he is using his own money to open the federally funded International Museum of Muslim Cultures. “During this shutdown, people will have […]
Washington, DC — President Barack Obama held a press conference to announce that he is declaring the month of November ‘National Muslim Appreciation Month’. “The Muslim community deserves our full acceptance and respect,” Obama told reporters. “We have killed millions of Muslims overseas since the September 11th attacks. They are not all bad. In fact most […]
St. George, UT — One city in Utah has decided it has had enough porn in their town and is taking the drastic measure of banning all pornography along with making it a criminal offense. In a unanimous decision by the city council of St. George, Utah, a law was passed making the possession of […]
DeQuincy, LA — The dance craze twerking has become such a problem in the small town of DeQuincy, Louisiana that city officials have made it illegal. Maynard Wilkens who is the Mayor of DeQuincy spoke to CNN about the ban on twerking that takes effect at midnight. “Twerking is a defiant act against Jesus and […]
The record for the biggest penis size in the entire world belongs to 34-year-old Paul Horner from Phoenix, Arizona. He has by far the biggest penis in the world. The parents of Paul Horner are said to be very proud of their son and his huge penis. The women all over the world fall in […]
Gay-To-Straight Program To Be Implemented In All Virginia Public School Curriculums Beginning September 1st
Richmond, VA — Beginning September 1st of this year, the state of Virginia is implementing a mandatory school program designed for all children grades K-12 to help homosexual males and females choose to become straight. The gay-to-straight conversion therapy treatment will be used in all of Virginia’s 2,186 public school curriculums and is already gathering […]
Phoenix, AZ — Sheriff Joe Arpaio held a press conference today to announce a new controversial inmate work program that will take effect September 1st. The program allows inmates to fill prescription drugs for Arizona residents and in return will receive lesser prison sentences. Arpaio told CNN about the benefits of the new program. “This […]
Governor Jan Brewer Threatens Lawsuit Against Hoax Author Who Claimed She Supports Mandatory Gay Conversion Classes For Children
Phoenix, AZ — Governor Jan Brewer’s spokesman Andrew Wilder held a press conference this morning with reporters announcing news of a possible lawsuit against Phoenix, Arizona resident 34-year-old Paul Horner. Horner was the culprit behind yesterday’s hoax which had the internet up in arms. The satirical article stated that Brewer signed off on a bill […]
Phoenix, AZ — Beginning November 1st of this year, the state of Arizona is implementing a mandatory school program designed for all children grades K-12 to help homosexual males and women become straight. The controversial conversion therapy will be used in all of Arizona’s 2,325 public school curriculums and is already gathering a large amount of […]
Washington, DC — It seems you can find just about every type of website and service out there these days; this is probably one you have never heard of or seen before. It is called ‘Black Friend Connect’. Their business model revolves around the idea of a white person “renting” a black friend and while […]
I received this message today from Paul Horner of Phoenix, Arizona: Dear Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, I recently made friends with a couple who lives next door to me. They are about my age, have a 6-year-old daughter and a 4-year-old Labrador Retriever. A few weeks ago they said their babysitter had canceled on them […]
George Zimmerman disobeyed police orders. The 911 dispatcher told him not to follow Martin. Instead he’s like, “No, I got this.” … “I’m going to get out of my car in a dark alley and confront some random 6’3″ tall, 160 lb thug-looking black guy in a hoodie”… For Zimmerman to be found not guilty on all […]
EDIT: 8/1/13 – It turns out I received bad intel on this story. I guess he was actually just granted asylum in Russia for one year. That’s where he is and will be for the while. My bad. Washington, DC — The Al Jazeera news agency is reporting that NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has safely landed […]
Culver City, CA — The day that would never end for Bill Murray is turning 20-years-old and the cult classic Groundhog Day is celebrating it properly with a 29-city movie reunion tour that kicks off in Phoenix, Arizona on July 13th. Included in the tour will be cast members Bill Murray, Chris Elliott, Andie MacDowell […]
I Don’t Know About You, But Times Are Changing, And I Don’t Like It One Bit, Not One Darn Bit I Tell Ya!
So the queers now have the same rights as us straight people when it comes to marriage? What’s next, women will be allowed to vote? The Negros will have the same rights as us good, decent, hardworking white folks? I don’t know about you, but times are changing, and this reporter doesn’t like it one […]
#HELLOIAMA34YEAROLDNAMEDPAULHORNERANDFUCKEDAHOTBLACKGIRLLASTNIGHTFORTHEFIRSTTIMEINMYLIFE ANDITWASSOBIGBOOTYAWESOMEIJUSTHADTOBRAGABOUTITANDALSOPROMOTEBIGBOOTYHOESTOTHEWHITEGUYS OUTTHERETHATAREAFRAIDBECAUSESERIOUSLYYOUHAVENOTHINGTOFEAREXCEPTHESTRONGPOSSIBILITYYOF GETTINGROBBEDATGUNPOINTANDCATCHNGAIDSBUTREGARDLESSITISSTILLWORTHITJUSSAYINBOOMERNICHOLS Guinness World Record For Longest Twitter Hashtag
Hate, intolerance and racism in this world could all be a thing of the past but it first starts with you. This is your life and you can choose to live it however you want. There is no one stopping you from living a life full of love and acceptance except yourself. I was hanging […]
Punjab, INDIA — 32-year-old Indira Mahajan was stoned to death today after being found guilty by the Haryana High court of Punjab, India. Her husband, 51-year-old Bijan Kumar Mahajan said he is thrilled with the ruling and says the court’s decision brings much happiness to his friends and family. Justice Paramjeet Singh Dhaliwal heard Mr. Mahajan’s thirty […]
London, England — An insider working at the offices of Facebook in London, England told the BBC News today that almost half the accounts on Facebook are fake. He said these shill accounts are known to exist and Facebook is fully aware of them yet does nothing to delete them. Paul Horner (not his real […]
New York, NY — Verizon held a press conference today to announce their new ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’. This announcement comes just days after news leaked that communication companies have been sharing Americans’ phone records with the National Security Agency (NSA). Verizona CEO President Paul Horner explained to reporters about the new plan. “At Verizon we […]
London, England — What is Bill Murray not capable of doing? That is the question being asked by London residents today as Murray saved the life of a little girl from being hit by a truck. 34-year-old Paul Horner who is in London on business witnessed the near fatal accident. “Yeah, it was horrifying. I […]
Hollywood, CA — Controversial filmmaker Michael Moore held a press conference to announce his new upcoming documentary that is being released in December simply titled “Fappy”. Moore talked with reporters and explained briefly what the documentary is about. “The story follows a religious anti-masturbation organization who travels around the country preaching to school children about […]
Phoenix, AZ — What was supposed to be a fun game on Facebook has instilled terror and fear among the citizens of Phoenix, Arizona as the infamous ‘Candy Crush Saga Killer’ has struck once again. The latest victim is 34-year-old Shilda Vafaei who was known to play Candy Crush Saga for days on end and […]
Tolleson, AZ — A two year undercover drug sting came to a close today as almost 100 students at Tolleson Union High School in Arizona were arrested. The students apprehended were in a sting called Operation Disco Party. Over the course of two years, undercover deputies posed as high school students to catch those possessing and […]
DeQuincy, LA — A small town in Louisiana is taking a new approach to education that has created quite the controversy and already has other cities considering doing the same. In the past year the town of DeQuincy, Louisiana has torn down it’s elementary school, it’s middle school and turned their entire high school into what […]
Creve Coeur, MO — The Monsanto Company held a press conference today to announce their funding of an anti-masturbation organization who recently lost federally funding and was shut down by the FBI. This controversial move comes just days after the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) was taken over by Monsanto. Dave Myers who is administrator […]
Hollywood, CA — It has come to our attention that the onslaught of attacks on J.K. Rowling is undeserved and unwarranted. In an attempt to preserve Hogwart’s tradition, J.K. Rowling (a muggle) was given a detailed synopsis of a grand story on her window sill. No one was really sure where the story came from, […]
Hello fans of Super Official News, I just put up this site called www.dontbeafraidoflove.com and I think you’ll love it! It consist of 5 second videos of people shouting the word “LOVE!” or something of that nature at someone and then you see the person’s face and it’s really funny. What to do: 1. Take […]
Happy Mother’s Day To Flappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin! Fappy® made a song about not masturbating or if you do you’ll go to Hell. I hope you enjoy it! More info @ facebook.com/fappythedolphin
Punjab, INDIA — Exciting news is coming out of Punjab, India this morning as this year’s Punjab Rape Festival results have been announced and prizes are being awarded. It was close, but in the end it was Nikhil Thakur who took home the ‘The Baalkrishan’ for most rapes this year. This was the first time […]
The Women’s National Basketball Association (WNBA) held a press conference today to announce that the entire WNBA has come out of the closet. This comes on the heals of the courage shown by Jason Collins, who on Monday became the first openly gay male athlete in a major American team sport. WNBA president Laurel J. Richie […]
Phoenix, AZ — Three floors below the Madison Street Jail in Phoenix, Arizona authorities have found what appears to be a human sex trafficking operation. They were tipped off by an Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agent who wished to remain anonymous. The ICE agent answered questions and explained to reporters how the operation worked. […]
DeQuincy, LA — With all the current tensions overseas right now a small town in Louisiana has taken matters into their own hands. They have begun removing all Koreans currently living in the town and have prevented any new Koreans from entering. Maynard Wilkens who is the Mayor of DeQuincy spoke to reporters today and explained […]
Watertown, MA — Authorities are now learning the names and motives behind the suspects responsible for the deadly Boston Marathon bombings that rocked the nation on Monday. All of this comes just hours after one of two suspects was killed early Friday in a violent standoff with the police in a quiet residential neighborhood just […]
MORE SUPER OFFICIAL NEWS
>> SUPER OFFICIAL BREAKING NEWS:The 4th of July celebrates a victory over an oppressive government. Right now it seems like we're in the same position we were in before, but a lot worse.
The corrupt banking system, unnecessary wars, the 1% in total power, Wall Street, unemployment, the recession, the debt, whistleblowers getting locked up, the Federal Reserve, huge corporations buying politicians, Drones, TSA, NDAA, NWO, PRISM and the NSA... just to name a few.
This country needs a new 4th of July.
[Updated 06-26-13] My hero, Edward Snowden, current hide-and-seek champion of the world. Click here for full image!
[Updated 06-24-13] Oh wow, George Zimmerman quit his job and even resigned from the Men's Wearhouse board of directors. I didn't even know that was the same guy. I wonder if his last words to Trayvon Martin were, "You're going to like the way you look. I guarantee it."
On a somewhat related note: To the 8th grade girl that sat behind me in English class when I lived in Minnesota who I talked to once which included the exact six words, "Can I please borrow a pencil?" I'm friends with you on here for some reason. So please get super offended by the above joke and delete me. Thank you so much!
[Updated 06-17-13] This is Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin's new movement to inform the general public about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. If it can save just one soul, this multi-million dollar ad campaign will be worth it! Click here to see one of their first nationwide ads.
[Updated 06-05-13] New Study Proves Global Climate Change Is Linked Directly To Masturbation!
A recent study by the Foundation for a Better Tomorrow has revealed that masturbation is the primary cause for warming, rising sea levels, and an increase in severe weather.
Masturbation causes friction and heavy breathing, both result in heat and CO2 emissions. The Semen result from masturbation runs to the oceans where it sinks to the bottoms forever raising the sea level.
For more information on this groundbreaking find, please visit STOP Masturbation NOW. It is never too late to stop masturbating and save this planet before it turns into a flaming, molten lava fireball of terror and destruction that will kill us all.
[Updated 05-25-13] COMING SOON! Super Official News Presents: Twenty Slow News Days. Available for download on iPad, iPod, iPhone, Kindle etc. This will be the best book you have ever read in your entire life. To view a full size of the cover, click here.
[Updated 04-15-13] Welcome to the new members of the Super Official Action News Team! Of course you already know Blaine Anderson (center), but now joining him will be Nathan McDaniels (left) and Dariusz Krawczyk (right). Welcome aboard new team members! Lets make Super Official News the most super and official news site on the planet!
[Updated 04-11-13] GREAT NEWS EVERYONE! We raised the $10,000,000 ransom that was demanded by North Korea for the safe release of Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin! Thanks to your tax payer dollars, Fappy® is now a free dolphin! Fappy® says it was a long 7 days being held captive without food or water but he's looking forward to being in Seattle, Washington on April 12th. While there he will be speaking with various elementary schools in the area about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. Fappy® only has 20 cities left on his 31-city nationwide anti-masturbation school tour. If your school would like Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin to speak to your students please contact us immediately as spaces are extremely limited. Praise Fappy®!
[Updated 04-04-13] We have just received word from Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin in North Korea. The conversation was brief, but apparently Dennis Rodman is planning to team up with Kim Jung Un to rule the world. It is still unclear what their policies on masturbation will be, but Fappy® will definitely get to the bottom of this mess. In the meantime, please take two seconds and sign the following petition to help us deport Dennis Rodman from the United States. Thank you!
[Updated 03-26-13] I was fortunate enough to be on this radio show last night speaking about the dangers and consequences of masturbation along with answering questions about Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin's nationwide school tour. You can listen to me starting at 70:00. I think people learned a lot of valuable information and now masturbation should no longer be a problem in this country.
[Updated 03-21-13] Rihanna's tour bus was stopped at the border today and marijuana was found. President Obama couldn't resist to make a joke on Twitter about it.
[Updated 03-14-13] I would never post a picture of Justin Bieber (on purpose), but he just demanded that all of his photos from the recent incident in the UK be removed from the internet. Silly Justin, you can't remove images from the internet. Even my 96-year-old grandma knows that.
[Updated 03-11-13] Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin needs your help and support in ending masturbation! Get your very own Fappy® merchandise here!
[Updated 03-06-13] Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin kicked off his nationwide school tour at Pansy Kidd Middle School in Poteau, Oklahoma with a bang! While there he answered questions and spoke to students about the dangers of masturbation. Way to go Fappy®!
[Updated 02-25-13] This was posted on Chris Brown's Twitter feed today. I just don't understand why he has such a problem with Seth MacFarlane and Super Official News. Beats me.
[Updated 02-23-13] At Super Official News we sincerely apologize for any problems you may be currently having in accessing the website. It's Banksy's fault.
We are upgrading the server in the next few days so this problem never happens again. Thanks for your patience!
[Updated 02-20-13] If you are ever being arrested, and don't want to go to jail, always remember to fight and resist arrest. This lets the cop see their mistake and they will back off. You are now free to enjoy the rest of your day!
[Updated 02-16-13] First image of the meteorite that hit Russia today. Stay tuned for more images to come!
[Updated 02-15-13] Starting at the age of 6 my dad would take pictures of my penis once a week. He said this would be a fun thing to do so that when I got older I could see the progress of my penis growth (more pubes, longer length etc). When I turned 12 or so, I started taking the pictures myself. It was the same routine, always once a week. I continued doing this up until I was 23 years old. So, I've had these pictures laying around and yesterday I compiled them into a video type of slideshow. It starts off with the first picture of my penis from my 6 year old birthday party and then rapidly continues all the way up to the last pictures of my penis when I was 23, click here.
[Updated 02-14-13] To my special Valentine and to all my super official friends, Happy Valentine's Day!
[Updated 02-12-13] North Korea says it has conducted a third nuclear test. Here is a map of North Korea if they decide to bomb the United States, click here.
Note: The bridge is not built to scale
[Updated 02-07-13] Horrible things are happening to women in India such as this and this. Do your part and help! Click here to learn more.
[Updated 02-03-13] Who was responsible for the blackout at the Super Bowl? Super Official News has just received this photo from a source inside the NFL, click here.
[Updated 01-29-13] Harry, my hero. I turned on the computer this morning, and I noticed it was acting slow. Well, I called my girlfriend Susan who recommended that I clear the browser’s history... read more
[Updated 01-28-13] Democrats Launch Terminator Obama To Explain Gun Control To Republicans
Obamanator: I'll be back, again tomorrow to speak with you further.
[Updated 01-27-13] Growing up for me was different than for most people I would have to say. I had an older brother who was kind of a douchebag and he was always taking drugs so it would really piss me off sometimes... read more
[Updated 01-24-13] Super Official News is proud to announce the release of our very own clothing line! Now with more stickers, tags, propellers and bows than any other company in the entire universe. Thug life!
[Updated 01-23-13] So this is the new cool thing to do on Facebook I guess.
[Updated 01-22-13] McDonald's has threatened to sue us if we don't remove the "Flying McLiger Sandwich" story from this website by January 31st. Oh, what to do?
> The letter they emailed, here.
> The story in question, here.
[Updated 01-21-13] President Obama during today's inauguration speech.
[Updated 01-19-13] "Say Super Official News... say Super Official News... Super Official News! You didn't say Super Official News?!!"
"Oh, i forgot..."
"How'd you forget, i wrote it on the paper!"
[Updated 01-18-13] Lance Armstrong is a huge a*shole, evil douchebag with zero remorse or morals whatsoever. Also, Killstrong!
[Updated 01-17-13] Aaron has Bieber fever. Doctors say he does not have much longer to live. "Whenever I hang out with him it's always Justin Bieber this or Justin Bieber that. I can't even talk to him anymore without Justin Bieber coming up in the conversation," says Aaron's friend Paul Horner. "I say something like, 'Hey Aaron, did you see the new Django Unchained movie by Quentin Tarantino?' and he'll say, 'Yeah, but it needed more Bieber'. I'm really worried that he soon might become a full on belieber and then no one will want to hang out with him anymore."
>> CLICK HERE FOR MORE FUNNY NEWS