Phoenix, AZ — An up-and-coming militant organization, Horner G6S Mercenary Incorporated, or simply known as G6S, which has known ties to the U.S. military, says it is now aggressively hiring the general public for the specific purpose of killing those affiliated with the Islamic State. The company is offering a mind-blowing starting pay of $500,000 […]
London, England — The elusive graffiti artist, political activist, film director, painter and long time fugitive that for years has gone by the pseudonymous name of Banksy, was arrested early this morning by London’s Metropolitan Police. After hours of questioning and a raid of his London art studio, his true name and identity have finally […]
Hollywood, CA — Exciting news for Big Lebowski fans around the world as a sequel to the cult classic has just been announced. Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, directors of the first Lebowski movie, confirmed with E! Online they will both be returning to direct the sequel. “We’re thrilled to be coming back to film […]
Phoenix, AZ — An Arizona man was arrested by federal agents early this morning after learning he had written a satirical article about the tragic events of September 11th, 2001 one day before they actually occurred. According to NPR, the story was published September 10th, 2001 on the satirical website National Report and titled, ‘Tomorrow […]
Las Vegas, NV — Just days after the elevator knockout heard around the world, Ray Rice and wife Janay have announced a charity cage match to help abused women in India. “This is for a really good cause,” Janay Rice told reporters. “We’re going to turn this negativity into something positive. The money raised from […]
Menlo Park, CA — What some are calling a “harmless prank” is being taken very seriously by the Fox News Channel. On Sunday, the links on Facebook which display related articles by Fox News were showing ‘satire’ tags beside them. No one is sure if this is permanent, temporary or a mistake, but lawyers of […]
DeQuincy, LA — In a Louisiana courtroom today, 15-year-old Paul Horner broke down in tears after a judge found the young man guilty on two counts of domestic terrorism and was sentenced to twenty-five years to life in federal prison. Horner is the first person in history to be charged with what is known as […]
Hollywood, CA — Breaking Bad fans around the world are celebrating the stunning, glorious and amazing news announced today: Walter White is not dead, and there will indeed be a sixth season of the wildly-popular, award-winning AMC drama. This shocking and exciting news comes not from an internet message board or the rumor mill but […]
Menlo Park, CA — The Facebook Drug Task Force or FDTF, will begin monitoring all Facebook postings and messages of its users for drug activity beginning October 1st. Chairman and chief executive of Facebook, Inc., Mark Zuckerberg, spoke with CNN about the FDTF. “The task force was created to keep users of Facebook safe,” Zucckerberg said. […]
Menlo Park, CA — Beginning October 1st, Facebook will be implementing a drug task force designed to arrest those who buy and sell narcotics while using the online social networking site. Facebook is calling the group the Facebook Drug Task Force, or FDTF, and will be monitoring all postings and messages created by its users. […]
Huntsville, AL — A 31-year-old pregnant woman, wife and mother of three, was brutally murdered after she was seen working on Sunday, or the Sabbath, by a fellow member of the church. Brandy Hull, a devoted member of ‘Paul Church’, a church which takes the Bible literally, was working at ‘Hank’s Bass Pro Shop’ on […]
Christian Anti-Masturbation Group Sues Other Christian Anti-Masturbation Group For $350 Million Claiming Trademark Infringement
Creve Coeur, MO — A federally funded Christian anti-masturbation organization claims that another federally funded Christian anti-masturbation organization has violated their intellectual property and is now suing for millions. Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and their parent organization Stop Masturbation Now have accused Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Shark of using the same name of their famous dolphin […]
Washington, DC — In a press conference at the White House today, President Barack Obama announced his controversial decision to raise the minimum drinking age from 21 to 24 years of age. “We need to work harder to protect the young people in this country,” Obama told reporters. “Our young folks are dying from alcohol […]
Phoenix, AZ — Arizona Governor Jan Brewer announced her controversial decision today granting a full pardon to 35-year-old Phoenix resident Paul Horner, known to his thousands of followers as Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin. Horner made world news last month after his ironic arrest for public masturbation. “I did a lot of soul searching before making […]
Phoenix, AZ — In an ironic twist of a fate, a mascot for a Christian anti-masturbation organization was arrested Sunday for masturbating in public. The group recently finished a federally funded 31-city nationwide school tour which it says focused on educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of masturbation. Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, […]
Washington, DC — In what is being dubbed as the “Wedding Of The Century”, openly-gay football star of the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam and his long-time boyfriend, Vito Cammisano, are to be married at the White House, with President Barack Obama overseeing the Muslim themed event. At a press conference on Saturday, Obama spoke […]
New York City, NY — The Twittersphere is in a buzz with hashtags such as #AIKEN4EVER and #AIKENSHOTINFACE, after former “American Idol” star Clay Aiken was found dead with an apparent gun shot to the face. Police are ruling out suicide as the bullet entered through the glass window of Aiken’s New York City Penthouse. […]
MORE SUPER OFFICIAL NEWS
>> SUPER OFFICIAL BREAKING NEWS:[Updated 03-18-14] News that Fred Phelps with the Westboro Baptist Church finally dieing is fantastic! It does not matter what your beliefs are in anything, all this guy did was bad. He tried to stop love by spreading hate. And he did. People hate Fred Phelps. But now, and hopefully soon, this pure evil will be gone from the planet. That is great news!
The 4th of July celebrates a victory over an oppressive government. Right now it seems like we're in the same position we were in before, but a lot worse.
The corrupt banking system, unnecessary wars, the 1% in total power, Wall Street, unemployment, the recession, the debt, whistleblowers getting locked up, the Federal Reserve, huge corporations buying politicians, Drones, TSA, NDAA, NWO, PRISM and the NSA... just to name a few.
This country needs a new 4th of July.
[Updated 06-26-13] My hero, Edward Snowden, current hide-and-seek champion of the world. Click here for full image!
[Updated 06-24-13] Oh wow, George Zimmerman quit his job and even resigned from the Men's Wearhouse board of directors. I didn't even know that was the same guy. I wonder if his last words to Trayvon Martin were, "You're going to like the way you look. I guarantee it."
On a somewhat related note: To the 8th grade girl that sat behind me in English class when I lived in Minnesota who I talked to once which included the exact six words, "Can I please borrow a pencil?" I'm friends with you on here for some reason. So please get super offended by the above joke and delete me. Thank you so much!
[Updated 06-17-13] This is Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin's new movement to inform the general public about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. If it can save just one soul, this multi-million dollar ad campaign will be worth it! Click here to see one of their first nationwide ads.
[Updated 06-05-13] New Study Proves Global Climate Change Is Linked Directly To Masturbation!
A recent study by the Foundation for a Better Tomorrow has revealed that masturbation is the primary cause for warming, rising sea levels, and an increase in severe weather.
Masturbation causes friction and heavy breathing, both result in heat and CO2 emissions. The Semen result from masturbation runs to the oceans where it sinks to the bottoms forever raising the sea level.
For more information on this groundbreaking find, please visit STOP Masturbation NOW. It is never too late to stop masturbating and save this planet before it turns into a flaming, molten lava fireball of terror and destruction that will kill us all.
[Updated 05-25-13] COMING SOON! Super Official News Presents: Twenty Slow News Days. Available for download on iPad, iPod, iPhone, Kindle etc. This will be the best book you have ever read in your entire life. To view a full size of the cover, click here.
[Updated 04-15-13] Welcome to the new members of the Super Official Action News Team! Of course you already know Blaine Anderson (center), but now joining him will be Nathan McDaniels (left) and Dariusz Krawczyk (right). Welcome aboard new team members! Lets make Super Official News the most super and official news site on the planet!
[Updated 04-11-13] GREAT NEWS EVERYONE! We raised the $10,000,000 ransom that was demanded by North Korea for the safe release of Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin! Thanks to your tax payer dollars, Fappy® is now a free dolphin! Fappy® says it was a long 7 days being held captive without food or water but he's looking forward to being in Seattle, Washington on April 12th. While there he will be speaking with various elementary schools in the area about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. Fappy® only has 20 cities left on his 31-city nationwide anti-masturbation school tour. If your school would like Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin to speak to your students please contact us immediately as spaces are extremely limited. Praise Fappy®!
[Updated 04-04-13] We have just received word from Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin in North Korea. The conversation was brief, but apparently Dennis Rodman is planning to team up with Kim Jung Un to rule the world. It is still unclear what their policies on masturbation will be, but Fappy® will definitely get to the bottom of this mess. In the meantime, please take two seconds and sign the following petition to help us deport Dennis Rodman from the United States. Thank you!
>> CLICK HERE FOR MORE FUNNY NEWS