Punjab, INDIA — 32-year-old Indira Mahajan was stoned to death today after being found guilty by the Haryana High court of Punjab, India. Her husband, 51-year-old Bijan Kumar Mahajan said he is thrilled with the ruling and says the court’s decision brings much happiness to his friends and family. Justice Paramjeet Singh Dhaliwal heard Mr. Mahajan’s thirty [...]
London, England — An insider working at the offices of Facebook in London, England told the BBC News today that almost half the accounts on Facebook are fake. He said these shill accounts are known to exist and Facebook is fully aware of them yet does nothing to delete them. Paul Horner (not his real [...]
New York, NY — Verizon held a press conference today to announce their new ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’. This announcement comes just days after news leaked that communication companies have been sharing Americans’ phone records with the National Security Agency (NSA). Verizona CEO President Paul Horner explained to reporters about the new plan. “At Verizon we [...]
London, England — What is Bill Murray not capable of doing? That is the question being asked by London residents today as Murray saved the life of a little girl from being hit by a truck. 34-year-old Paul Horner who is in London on business witnessed the near fatal accident. “Yeah, it was horrifying. I [...]
Hollywood, CA — Controversial filmmaker Michael Moore held a press conference to announce his new upcoming documentary that is being released in December simply titled “Fappy”. Moore talked with reporters and explained briefly what the documentary is about. “The story follows a religious anti-masturbation organization who travels around the country preaching to school children about [...]
Phoenix, AZ — What was supposed to be a fun game on Facebook has instilled terror and fear among the citizens of Phoenix, Arizona as the infamous ‘Candy Crush Saga Killer’ has struck once again. The latest victim is 34-year-old Shilda Vafaei who was known to play Candy Crush Saga for days on end and [...]
Tolleson, AZ — A two year undercover drug sting came to a close today as almost 100 students at Tolleson Union High School in Arizona were arrested. The students apprehended were in a sting called Operation Disco Party. Over the course of two years, undercover deputies posed as high school students to catch those possessing and [...]
DeQuincy, LA — A small town in Louisiana is taking a new approach to education that has created quite the controversy and already has other cities considering doing the same. In the past year the town of DeQuincy, Louisiana has torn down it’s elementary school, it’s middle school and turned their entire high school into what [...]
Creve Coeur, MO — The Monsanto Company held a press conference today to announce their funding of an anti-masturbation organization who recently lost federally funding and was shut down by the FBI. This controversial move comes just days after the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) was taken over by Monsanto. Dave Myers who is administrator [...]
Hollywood, CA — It has come to our attention that the onslaught of attacks on J.K. Rowling is undeserved and unwarranted. In an attempt to preserve Hogwart’s tradition, J.K. Rowling (a muggle) was given a detailed synopsis of a grand story on her window sill. No one was really sure where the story came from, [...]
Hello fans of Super Official News, I just put up this site called www.dontbeafraidoflove.com and I think you’ll love it! It consist of 5 second videos of people shouting the word “LOVE!” or something of that nature at someone and then you see the person’s face and it’s really funny. What to do: 1. Take [...]
Happy Mother’s Day To Flappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin! Fappy® made a song about not masturbating or if you do you’ll go to Hell. I hope you enjoy it! More info @ facebook.com/fappythedolphin
Punjab, INDIA — Exciting news is coming out of Punjab, India this morning as this year’s Punjab Rape Festival results have been announced and prizes are being awarded. It was close, but in the end it was Nikhil Thakur who took home the ‘The Baalkrishan’ for most rapes this year. This was the first time [...]
The Women’s National Basketball Association (WNBA) held a press conference today to announce that the entire WNBA has come out of the closet. This comes on the heals of the courage shown by Jason Collins, who on Monday became the first openly gay male athlete in a major American team sport. WNBA president Laurel J. Richie [...]
Phoenix, AZ — Three floors below the Madison Street Jail in Phoenix, Arizona authorities have found what appears to be a human sex trafficking operation. They were tipped off by an Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agent who wished to remain anonymous. The ICE agent answered questions and explained to reporters how the operation worked. [...]
DeQuincy, LA — With all the current tensions overseas right now a small town in Louisiana has taken matters into their own hands. They have begun removing all Koreans currently living in the town and have prevented any new Koreans from entering. Maynard Wilkens who is the Mayor of DeQuincy spoke to reporters today and explained [...]
Watertown, MA — Authorities are now learning the names and motives behind the suspects responsible for the deadly Boston Marathon bombings that rocked the nation on Monday. All of this comes just hours after one of two suspects was killed early Friday in a violent standoff with the police in a quiet residential neighborhood just [...]
I opened up a fortune cookie recently that said to treat others how you would want to be treated. So now I walk around giving hand jobs to everyone I meet. Hostage negotiators really get on my nerves. They’re always asking me what I want, trying to calm me down, asking annoying questions about my [...]
SEOUL, South Korea — South Korean officials are telling the Korean Broadcasting System (KBS) that B-2 stealth bombers are currently dropping leaflets over the city of Pyongyang warning its citizens of an impending attack. At the time of this posting, the U.S. government or its military has not made a statement regarding this late breaking [...]
Hollywood, CA — With his bad press about arriving late at a London concert and being booed, fighting with paparazzi, and spitting on a neighbor, pop mogul Justin Bieber is having a rough time. To top it all off, German Customs Agents are still holding Bieber’s Capuchin monkey Mally under state arrest. Sources closest to [...]
For April Fool’s Day I am not posting an April Fool’s prank, since that happens on a regular basis at Super Official News. Instead, I am honoring the following individual as the greatest prankster in the history of the world. The following pictures explain why.
This morning California lawmakers voted in favor of permanently banning the organization known as STOP Masturbating NOW (SMN). This means that the organization, their current employees and even their mascot who goes by the name of Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin can no longer ‘legally’ enter the state or promote their message there again. Nancy Pelosi [...]
It is getting close to April Fool’s Day, the best day of the year. Here is some fun ideas to make your ‘prank day’ the best day it can possibly be! 1. If you are a guy, put a banana in your pants and see if anyone notices. If you are a girl, put balloons [...]
Portland, OR — In an ironic twist of a fate, a mascot for a federally funded 31-city nationwide school tour focusing on educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of masturbation was arrested yesterday in Portland, Oregon for masturbating in public. Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now spoke [...]
San Diego, CA — Jason Russell who was the director of the Kony 2012 Youtube video that went viral one year ago today made waves again as he announced to reporters his future plans for a documentary about living a masturbation-free lifestyle. What makes this announcement so shocking is that also one year ago today [...]
VATICAN CITY — It seems in this day and age, Las Vegas will take bets on just about anything; including how many altar boys the new Pope has molested in the past. Just hours after the white smoke cleared from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel and the new Pope Jorge Mario Bergoglio (pronounced Ber-GOAL-io) was [...]
Silicon Valley, CA — The humor website 9Gag.com is suing Reddit.com for libel and damages in the amount of $50,000,000. That’s a five with seven zeros attached to it. Joyce Barth, Esq., 9Gag’s head attorney says the lawsuit is definitely winnable. “The Reddit community has been attempting to destroy 9Gag since it first launched about [...]
New York, NY — Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and STOP Masturbation NOW are proud to announce a 31-city nationwide school tour focusing on educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of masturbation. Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now said he is excited about the tour. “Thanks to your [...]
Hollywood, CA — Disney held a press conference today to announce exciting Star Wars news confirming that none other than Michelle Obama will play a role in Episode VII of the upcoming Star Wars sequel trilogy. Disney says the First Lady will be playing the wife of Cloud City administrator and general in the Rebel Alliance, [...]
Hollywood, CA — Disney held a press conference today to give some insight into what fans can expect from Episode VII of the upcoming Star Wars sequel trilogy. Paul Horner who is a spokesman for Disney talked briefly with reporters this morning to explain what lies in store for fans. “I can’t go into much [...]
DeQuincy, LA — Lashawndra Harris from DeQuincy, Louisiana was arrested and charged today in connection with five murders. Harris had been dubbed by police as the ‘Facebook Friend Request Killer’ because at the scene of every murder a card was left on the victim’s body that showed the Facebook logo along with the section of [...]
Hollywood, CA — Actor Christopher Walken held a press conference for reporters today at his home in Wilton, Connecticut to reveal that he was in fact the one behind the Banksy arrest hoax that fooled the internet on Friday. The hoax was in the form of a press release reportedly stating that graffiti artist Banksy [...]
London, England — The England-based graffiti artist, political activist, film director, and painter that for years has gone by the pseudonymous name of Banksy, was arrested early this morning by police in London. After hours of questioning and a raid of his London art studio, his true name and identity have finally been revealed. The City [...]
MORE SUPER OFFICIAL NEWS
>> SUPER OFFICIAL BREAKING NEWS:[Updated 06-17-13] This is Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin's new movement to inform the general public about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. If it can save just one soul, this multi-million dollar ad campaign will be worth it! Click here to see one of their first nationwide ads.
[Updated 06-05-13] New Study Proves Global Climate Change Is Linked Directly To Masturbation!
A recent study by the Foundation for a Better Tomorrow has revealed that masturbation is the primary cause for warming, rising sea levels, and an increase in severe weather.
Masturbation causes friction and heavy breathing, both result in heat and CO2 emissions. The Semen result from masturbation runs to the oceans where it sinks to the bottoms forever raising the sea level.
For more information on this groundbreaking find, please visit STOP Masturbation NOW. It is never too late to stop masturbating and save this planet before it turns into a flaming, molten lava fireball of terror and destruction that will kill us all.
[Updated 05-25-13] COMING SOON! Super Official News Presents: Twenty Slow News Days. Available for download on iPad, iPod, iPhone, Kindle etc. This will be the best book you have ever read in your entire life. To view a full size of the cover, click here.
[Updated 04-15-13] Welcome to the new members of the Super Official Action News Team! Of course you already know Blaine Anderson (center), but now joining him will be Nathan McDaniels (left) and Dariusz Krawczyk (right). Welcome aboard new team members! Lets make Super Official News the most super and official news site on the planet!
[Updated 04-11-13] GREAT NEWS EVERYONE! We raised the $10,000,000 ransom that was demanded by North Korea for the safe release of Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin! Thanks to your tax payer dollars, Fappy® is now a free dolphin! Fappy® says it was a long 7 days being held captive without food or water but he's looking forward to being in Seattle, Washington on April 12th. While there he will be speaking with various elementary schools in the area about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. Fappy® only has 20 cities left on his 31-city nationwide anti-masturbation school tour. If your school would like Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin to speak to your students please contact us immediately as spaces are extremely limited. Praise Fappy®!
[Updated 04-04-13] We have just received word from Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin in North Korea. The conversation was brief, but apparently Dennis Rodman is planning to team up with Kim Jung Un to rule the world. It is still unclear what their policies on masturbation will be, but Fappy® will definitely get to the bottom of this mess. In the meantime, please take two seconds and sign the following petition to help us deport Dennis Rodman from the United States. Thank you!
[Updated 03-26-13] I was fortunate enough to be on this radio show last night speaking about the dangers and consequences of masturbation along with answering questions about Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin's nationwide school tour. You can listen to me starting at 70:00. I think people learned a lot of valuable information and now masturbation should no longer be a problem in this country.
[Updated 03-21-13] Rihanna's tour bus was stopped at the border today and marijuana was found. President Obama couldn't resist to make a joke on Twitter about it.
[Updated 03-14-13] I would never post a picture of Justin Bieber (on purpose), but he just demanded that all of his photos from the recent incident in the UK be removed from the internet. Silly Justin, you can't remove images from the internet. Even my 96-year-old grandma knows that.
[Updated 03-11-13] Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin needs your help and support in ending masturbation! Get your very own Fappy® merchandise here!
[Updated 03-06-13] Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin kicked off his nationwide school tour at Pansy Kidd Middle School in Poteau, Oklahoma with a bang! While there he answered questions and spoke to students about the dangers of masturbation. Way to go Fappy®!
[Updated 02-25-13] This was posted on Chris Brown's Twitter feed today. I just don't understand why he has such a problem with Seth MacFarlane and Super Official News. Beats me.
[Updated 02-23-13] At Super Official News we sincerely apologize for any problems you may be currently having in accessing the website. It's Banksy's fault.
We are upgrading the server in the next few days so this problem never happens again. Thanks for your patience!
[Updated 02-20-13] If you are ever being arrested, and don't want to go to jail, always remember to fight and resist arrest. This lets the cop see their mistake and they will back off. You are now free to enjoy the rest of your day!
[Updated 02-16-13] First image of the meteorite that hit Russia today. Stay tuned for more images to come!
[Updated 02-15-13] Starting at the age of 6 my dad would take pictures of my penis once a week. He said this would be a fun thing to do so that when I got older I could see the progress of my penis growth (more pubes, longer length etc). When I turned 12 or so, I started taking the pictures myself. It was the same routine, always once a week. I continued doing this up until I was 23 years old. So, I've had these pictures laying around and yesterday I compiled them into a video type of slideshow. It starts off with the first picture of my penis from my 6 year old birthday party and then rapidly continues all the way up to the last pictures of my penis when I was 23, click here.
[Updated 02-14-13] To my special Valentine and to all my super official friends, Happy Valentine's Day!
[Updated 02-12-13] North Korea says it has conducted a third nuclear test. Here is a map of North Korea if they decide to bomb the United States, click here.
Note: The bridge is not built to scale
[Updated 02-07-13] Horrible things are happening to women in India such as this and this. Do your part and help! Click here to learn more.
[Updated 02-03-13] Who was responsible for the blackout at the Super Bowl? Super Official News has just received this photo from a source inside the NFL, click here.
[Updated 01-29-13] Harry, my hero. I turned on the computer this morning, and I noticed it was acting slow. Well, I called my girlfriend Susan who recommended that I clear the browser’s history... read more
[Updated 01-28-13] Democrats Launch Terminator Obama To Explain Gun Control To Republicans
Obamanator: I'll be back, again tomorrow to speak with you further.
[Updated 01-27-13] Growing up for me was different than for most people I would have to say. I had an older brother who was kind of a douchebag and he was always taking drugs so it would really piss me off sometimes... read more
[Updated 01-24-13] Super Official News is proud to announce the release of our very own clothing line! Now with more stickers, tags, propellers and bows than any other company in the entire universe. Thug life!
[Updated 01-23-13] So this is the new cool thing to do on Facebook I guess.
[Updated 01-22-13] McDonald's has threatened to sue us if we don't remove the "Flying McLiger Sandwich" story from this website by January 31st. Oh, what to do?
> The letter they emailed, here.
> The story in question, here.
[Updated 01-21-13] President Obama during today's inauguration speech.
[Updated 01-19-13] "Say Super Official News... say Super Official News... Super Official News! You didn't say Super Official News?!!"
"Oh, i forgot..."
"How'd you forget, i wrote it on the paper!"
[Updated 01-18-13] Lance Armstrong is a huge a*shole, evil douchebag with zero remorse or morals whatsoever. Also, Killstrong!
[Updated 01-17-13] Aaron has Bieber fever. Doctors say he does not have much longer to live. "Whenever I hang out with him it's always Justin Bieber this or Justin Bieber that. I can't even talk to him anymore without Justin Bieber coming up in the conversation," says Aaron's friend Paul Horner. "I say something like, 'Hey Aaron, did you see the new Django Unchained movie by Quentin Tarantino?' and he'll say, 'Yeah, but it needed more Bieber'. I'm really worried that he soon might become a full on belieber and then no one will want to hang out with him anymore."
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