Bill Murray Is Hero After Saving Child’s Life From Oncoming Traffic

August 3, 2015 by 20 Comments
Bill Murray saves a child in London, England from certain death

Bill Murray is a hero after he saves the life of a child in London, England today from certain death. (AP Photo/David Hatala)

London, England — What is Bill Murray not capable of doing? According to Fox News and NBC, that is the question being asked by London residents and police today as Murray saved the life of a 9-year-old girl from certain death after he pushed her out of the way at the last second of a semi-truck that was barreling down on the young girl at full speed.

36-year-old Paul Horner, who is in London on business, witnessed the near fatal accident, and told the BBC News about what he saw.

“Yeah, it was horrifying. I saw this little girl standing in the middle of road on her phone and this truck was just going full speed, right towards this poor girl. Then out of nowhere this man pushed her out of the way at the last second saving her life,” Horner said. “So I ran over to them to see if they were alright and to my amazement I see that the girl was perfectly fine and the guy who saved her was none other than Bill Murray! It was Bill frickin’ Murray who saved this kids life!” Horner continued, “That guy is always doing something awesome whether it’s making movies, playing golf with the pros, crashing random parties, bartending with RZA and GZA from the Wu Tang Claneating french fries off the tables of random people or saving lives! He’s everywhere!”

9-year-old Courtney Groves from Bristol, England told reporters about her near death experience.

“I was just playing Zombie Playground, it’s like my favorite game, and wasn’t paying attention to the cars around me. Thank you Mr. Murray for saving my life today,” Groves said. “He even sat down with me and helped me finish the level I was playing. We got a perfect score! He told me that he was in a movie years ago about a zombie, just like my game! I didn’t know what he was talking about but Bill Murray liked my game and he saved my life so I thought that was really neat!”

Murray spoke briefly to reporters about the incident.

“I’m no hero, I was just in the right place at the right time. I think anyone else in my position would have done the same,” Murray said. “Courtney is a great kid. We talked for a while. She even let me play her game on her phone. I told her the next time you wanna play video games, don’t do it in the middle of traffic.”

Tweet from Boris Johnson the Mayor of London about Bill Murray

25-year-old Brian Barth who is a game developer on the Zombie Playground™ team told CNN that he is thrilled the child was not injured.

“It’s an amazing thing that Bill Murray was there to save her life.” Barth said. “It feels really good when someone plays a game you helped create, had a hand in developing; it’s just not a game meant to be played in the middle of traffic, that’s for sure, well unless Bill Murray is there,” Barth laughs.

Boris Johnson who is the Mayor of London told reporters how proud he is to have Murray currently in his city.

“This is a day for everyone in London to celebrate Bill Murray,” Johnson said. “Most blokes would have just stood there like an arse and let that poor girl get run over, but not Mr. Murray. So it is decided, for his bravery we are throwing him a parade and awarding him a key to the city. Today is Bill Murray day in London!”

Murray was in London visiting friends and sightseeing when this near-tragic event took place. Murray says he plans to stay in London for another week and then is off to Japan to finish up work on a new project. Police say alcohol was a factor in this near-fatal tragedy.


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The US Mint Plans To Release Caitlyn Jenner Gold Coin

June 21, 2015 by Leave a Comment
Caitlyn gold coin by the US Mint

The Caitlyn Jenner gold coin by the US Mint scheduled to be released July 4th. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Beginning July 4th, the US Mint will begin its limited release of Caitlyn Jenner Commemorative Gold Coins. The move is said to celebrate Caitlyn’s bravery and living the American dream.

“This coin symbolizes a shared history and friendship with the sports star,” said U.S. Mint Director Paul Horner.

The coin is legal tender and is struck from 14.1 grams of pure gold. The commemorative coin is available at the pre-issue price of $799.00 through August 4th, and $949.00 thereafter. To qualify for pre-issue discount prices, orders must be postmarked or received no later than July 4th, 2015 and a limit of 5 coins per household is strictly enforced.

The designer of the coin, Tom Downey, said he wanted to show Caitlyn in her true form.

“I wanted to capture Caitlyn in all of her beauty and grace showing just how brave she is.”

The Caitlyn Jenner gold coin can be purchased directly online at USMINT.gov or by calling (785) 273-0325.

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Ray Rice And Wife Janay Announce Charity Cage Match In Las Vegas

September 10, 2014 by Leave a Comment
Ray Rice cage match in Las Vegas

Poster for the Rice vs. Rice cage match being held in Las Vegas at the MGM Grand next month. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Las Vegas, NV — Just days after the elevator knockout heard around the world, Ray Rice and wife Janay have announced a charity cage match to help abused women in India.

“This is for a really good cause,” Janay Rice told reporters. “We’re going to turn this negativity into something positive. The money raised from this will help thousands of women in India get a proper education, shelter, food, help in getting out of abusive relationships, rape counseling and much more!”

MGM Grand spokesman Paul Horner told CNN he is excited about the upcoming event. “Tickets went on sale this morning for the ‘Elevator Showdown’ and we’re already more than halfway sold out. This is something everyone wants to see because the elevator video we all saw wasn’t enough. Society’s taste for violence will be satisfied next month when these two meet in the cage to settle their differences once and for all. This is going to be the cage match of the century!”

Rice told reporters he’s looking forward to the cage match being held at the MGM Grand next month.

“This time she’s not going to be able to just fall on the ground and act like she’s knocked out. If she tries that again it’s really going to be lights out for her. I’ll teach her to respect a man,” Rice said. “I’m really excited about how much money this will raise to help woman in India that are in abusive relationships.”

“In the video people saw that I was only able to hit Ray in the face a few times, but that’s nothing,” Janay told reporters. “On October 24th, I’ll get my revenge. After I’m done with him I’ll make sure he can’t walk right. It’s not like he’ll be playing football any time soon.” Janay laughs.

The Baltimore Ravens, who cut Rice on Monday, donated five thousand Ray Rice jerseys to a local battered women’s shelter. What the woman will do with the jerseys is still unclear.

Vegas oddsmakers so far have Rice winning the cage match but insiders say a knockout by Janay is extremely possible with that paying out 7-1. Giveindia.org gives 90% of the money it collects directly to the cause of helping women in India. The ‘Elevator Showdown’ is scheduled for 5 rounds and will be held at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Nevada at 8pm on October 24th. Tickets can be purchased online or by calling (785) 273-0325.

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Russia Awards Olympian 2nd Instead Of 1st Because He Is Gay

February 10, 2014 by Leave a Comment
Russia hates gay people

Russian judge, Vladimir Gruzinsky (left), who is extremely outspoken about his anti-gay beliefs, was the deciding factor in denying Jan Smeekens his righful win over Michel Mulder.

SOCHI, Russia – For about five seconds on Monday, Jan Smeekens was an Olympic champion, hero to a nation, and all that goes with it. Until, gut-wrenchingly, he wasn’t, just because of his sexuality.

As Smeekens crossed the line at Adler Arena in the men’s 500-meter long-track speedskating and glanced up at the clock, it was the fulfillment of all his dreams.

The scoreboard carried a “1” next to his name, and that was enough for Smeekens, a 26-year-old from the Netherlands, to throw his arms in the air and bellow out a scream of pure delight.

And then it all changed.


In the moment it took for Smeekens to enter the back straight and embrace his coach, the scoreboard shifted, announcing his Dutch teammate Michel Mulder as the Olympic champion instead.

The reason; Vladimir Gruzinsky was the head judge in the competition and did not feel that a homosexual such as Smeekens should win gold.

“Michel Mulder is a family man with a wife and children. Smeekens does immoral acts with other men and it defies got. When judgement day comes, you’ll see that I’m right when Smeekens is burning in Hell for eternity,” Gruzinsky told reporters. “Look, it’s real simple, I’m just trying to protect the children.”

The lead-up to the 2014 Games was marked by major controversies, including allegations of corruption leading to the aforementioned cost overruns, concerns for the safety and human rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) athletes and supporters during the Games due to the country’s recent restrictions on the promotion of LGBT sexual relationships (which have led to ongoing protests) and various security concerns over threats by Jihadist groups tied to the insurgency in the North Caucasus.

The controversial ruling is currently being investigated and will be taken up with The International Olympic Committee or the IOC this week.

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Russia Announces Gay Task Force To Patrol Winter Olympics

January 29, 2014 by Leave a Comment
gay task force for the Olympics

Russia’s Gay Task Force that will be patrolling the Winter Olympics.

Sochi, Russia — The President of Russia, Vladimir Putin, is making headlines once again about his controversial stance concerning the gay community. This time Putin has announced a gay task force that will be patrolling the winter games in Sochi, Russia all of next month.

Vladimir Putin told reporters, “It was not Adam and Steve, it was Adam and Eve. I’m just doing god’s work.” When asked if Adam and Eve were married Putin declined to comment.

The announcement of this gay task force comes just days after a bill was overwhelmingly approved by the lower house of parliament that stigmatizes Russia’s gay community and bans the distribution of information about homosexuality to children.


Paul Stolichnaya Horner, who is a spokesman for Putin and heads up the Russian Gay Task Force or RGTF, answered questions this morning at a press conference in Sochi, Russia. “If any Olympian demonstrates the typical homosex traits of a gay, they will be brought in for questioning or detained, but this is strictly for their own protection. We don’t want these gays getting out of control and doing things to our livestock,” Horner told CNN. “Now, what is a big no-no, is if any of these gay Olympians are seen trying to convert our great straight people of Russia to the evil gay way, they will be dealt with as harshly as possible and arrests will be made. We will not tolerate any sexual flip flopping, I can promise you that. Our country will not turn into some rainbow gay orgy festival with deviants running around naked doing god knows what. This is the Olympics and it must remain civil. No one gets a pass while I’m in charge. Consider this your only warning.”

Daman Kovalski who is part of the RGTF told reporters he will be out there looking for anyone participating in gay activities. “Just your typical gay stuff. Ya know, we just can’t have it. The eyes of the world will be on us and the last thing we want them to see is a couple gay dudes skipping around and talking with a lisp, maybe making some kind of bean casserole or something. Well, not on my watch! That would shame our country for thousands of years to come,” Kovalski said, “Botton line is we’re trying to keep our country and our children safe from the gay agenda. It’s that simple. You have nothing to be afraid of as long as you’re not gay or look gay or do anything gay. Come to the Russian Olympics in and enjoy yourself!”

The RGTF is comprised of Russia’s top 100,000 military men. The task force will begin patrolling the grounds of Sochi, Russia and all events of the Winter Olympics beginning February 1st until the last foreign citizen has left the country, roughly sometime in March.


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Inspired By Jason Collins, Entire WNBA Comes Out Of The Closet

May 1, 2013 by 4 Comments
WNBA president Laurel J. Richie speaking to reporters

WNBA president Laurel J. Richie speaking to reporters about how rad lesbians are.

The Women’s National Basketball Association (WNBA) held a press conference today to announce that the entire WNBA has come out of the closet.  This comes on the heals of the courage shown by Jason Collins, who on Monday became the first openly gay male athlete in a major American team sport.

WNBA president Laurel J. Richie told reporters it took a lot of fortitude for Collins to tell the world he was gay and the WNBA is not afraid to stand there with him. “I know what most people are thinking, ‘Oh but how can a woman that plays basketball for a living be a lesbian?’ Well, it’s the truth,” Richie said. “In fact, I’ve been wanting to say this for a while now and thanks to Jason Collins I finally can; I’m officially coming out of the closet. I’m a proud lesbian!”

Sylvia Fowles of the Chicago Sky said she is excited about the future of the WNBA. “We’ve been lesbians for a long time now, but were always too scared to come out,” Fowles said. “We didn’t want to blow this masquerade of beautiful women who love men. We thought it would lower ticket sales if all the men knew that every member of the WNBA only loves rug.” Fowles continued, “But thanks to Jason Collins I think those worries are now a thing of the past.”

Candace Parker of the Los Angeles Sparks is the only player that did not come out of the closet but said she is considering it. “I love men, but I have to support the team, so maybe I’ll be bisexual. That actually sounds pretty hot.”

Long-time WNBA fan Paul Horner said he is amazed to hear of the news. “I’m still in shock,” said Horner. “These are woman who play basketball for a living. I had no idea that they were lesbians too.” Horner continued, “Well as long as they don’t fornicate on the court too much I’ll still continue going to games.”

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