Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin & SMN Banned In California

Evergreen Elementary School in Los Angeles

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin speaking to students at Evergreen Elementary School in Los Angeles.

This morning California lawmakers voted in favor of permanently banning the organization known as STOP Masturbating NOW (SMN). This means that the organization, their current employees and even their mascot who goes by the name of Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin can no longer ‘legally’ enter the state or promote their message there again.

Nancy Pelosi who represents California’s 12th congressional district told reporters the ban was an obvious decision that needed to happen immediately. “Their organization’s mascot, Fappy®, was going around different elementary schools in the state spreading complete and utter lies. While he was here in San Francisco this month he collected thousands of signatures from children as young as 5-years-old promising to never masturbate,” Pelosi said. “Dave Myers who is a spokesman for their organization was going on different radio shows presenting ridiculous lies as fact. He claimed that while Fappy® was in San Francisco he single-handily lowered the amount of “masturbators” and “the gays” by over 80%. The judgement that was passed down today was a no-brainer.”

Officer Erich Sean with the The San Francisco Police Department said he was amazed with the amount of problems the organization caused in such a short period of time. “Just a week ago their mascot, Paul Horner, was arrested in Portland for public masturbation. While in San Francisco he was walking around the city, harassing citizens and scaring the children,” Sean said. “This group is hypocritical and just a huge scam masquerading as some sort of public service. They are just pure evil and I’m glad we won’t ever be seeing them again.”

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation in affiliation with SMN told reporters they plan to repeal the ban. “This ruling won’t hold up and we’ll be back in California again soon, I can promise you that,” Myers said. “We are a Federally Funded Organization. The state might ban us, but federal laws always trump state law, so there’s your answer right there. Those California senators that voted in favor of this ban can go f*ck themselves.”

Mitch Hedberg with the San Francisco Examiner explained in his article this morning that he approves of the ban. “I used to masturbate. I still do, but I used to, too.”

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. For a complete list of dates and locations of this nationwide tour, click here. For more information or if you would like your school to participate, please call the 24-hour Anti-Masturbation Tour Hotline at (785) 273-0325.


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Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin needs your help and support in ending masturbation! Get your very own Fappy® merchandise here!


  1. WTF was an anti-masturbating dolphin doing talking to 5 year olds in the first place for???!!

  2. Good! They shouldn’t have been there in the first place!

  3. Nathan Adams says:

    Federally funded… like our tax dollars are paying for this bullshit organization to exist… someone is calling their congressman about this right now

  4. Dave Myers is insane. I heard him on http://www.blogtalkradio.com/freedomizerradio/2013/03/25/tbd-liquidbutterflye

    You can hear him starting at 70:00

  5. Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin has some sweet gear!


  6. Dariusz Rubics says:

    Fappy only tries to help, and I guess it’s just not good enough for them :(

  7. California is a disgrace to the nation. Fappy saved my friends life! He was addicted to gay bear bondage porn and shamelessly flogged Molly for hours everyday. It became to bad his health was in serious trouble and his doctor told him he’d die if he didn’t get his problem under control. That’s when he attended one of Fappy’s weekend Anti-Masturbation seminars. It cured him and today he lives a happy hetrosexual Christian life, saved and forgiven by Jesus. California hates everything NORMAL.

  8. I am pre-law and I belivel you that Fappy (r) and the organization has precedent to file suit against the State of California and possibly the US Congress for Rep Pelosi’s press realease. Sue for copy write infringement… see Hustler Magazine vs. Jerry Falwell…

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