Silicon Valley, CA — Facebook held a press conference today to announce that starting August 14th they will begin charging members a $3.99 monthly fee to use their services. “After thinking long and hard about this decision, unfortunately we were forced to add this monthly fee,” Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg told reporters. “If we don’t do something about our rising costs now, Facebook could cease to exist in the near future.”
Facebook spokesman Paul Horner explained the reason for the monthly fee. “Economic times are tight. Our stock price is falling, the ads aren’t working, our server costs are going up as new members join,” Horner said. “All these costs add up, and we just can’t foot the bill any longer.”
Paul Covington from Dequincy, Louisiana said he is not pleased with this new fee that will be implemented by Facebook. “I can barely pay for all my monthly online porn subscriptions right now, and now this Zuckerberg character wants another $4 a month out of me? Well I don’t think so bud,” Covington said. “I dunno though, I do like using Facebook. That Farmville game on there cracks me up. Hey, look at me, I’m planting some carrots in a field around my kick *ss barn.” Covington continued, “Maybe I can just cancel bigbootyasianhos.com and then I’ll be able to afford this new fee. But I tell you what, I won’t be happy about it. Where will I satisfy my big booty Asian ho fetish now? Answer me that Mr. Zuckerberg!”
Horner informed the media there is options for those who can’t afford the new monthly fee. “We at Facebook value each and every one of our members and don’t want to see anyone leave just because they can’t afford the new monthly fee,” Horner said. “For those who can’t afford the the new fee, just type ‘I AM POOR AND DON’T HAVE $4 TO GIVE TO FACEBOOK SO PLEASE WAVE MY MONTHLY FEE’ into your status update. This will inform our Facebook billing department and your monthly fee will be waved. Unfortunately for free users, access to Facebook games and groups will no longer be available.”
To order your monthly subscription please call the 24-hour Facebook hotline at (785) 273-0325. Discounts are available to those who pay for an entire year at once.