Westboro Baptist Church Suing Funeral Protesters Of Fred Phelps

Fred Phelps Sr. prepares to protest outside the Kansas Statehouse in Topeka, Kansas

In this July 1, 2007 photo, the Rev. Fred Phelps Sr. prepares to protest outside the Kansas Statehouse in Topeka, Kansas. Phelps, the founder of the Kansas church known for anti-gay protests and pickets at military funerals, died Thursday, March 20, 2014. He was 84. (AP Photo/Orlin Wagner, File) / AP

“Any f*gs that wanna come out and protest my dad’s funeral better be ready for a lawsuit,” Fred Phelps‘s son, Timothy Phelps told CNN on Friday.

The threat of a lawsuit comes two days after the death of the Westboro Baptist Church founder. Phelps’ son, confirmed to Kansas’ WIBW that Phelps died “before midnight” on Wednesday at the age of 84.

Paul Horner who is a spokesman for the Westboro Baptist Church told reporters that the funeral for Fred Phelps would be closed to the public. “Show the man some respect on his well-deserved journey into Heaven,” Horner said. “No f*gs better show up with signs thinking that they’re being clever either. Any f*g caught protesting this great man’s funeral will get sued. This is their only warning so I won’t be repeating myself anytime in the near future.”

“I think it’s pretty ironic that this so called church is making these outrageous threats of a lawsuit,” said human rights activist Sarah Winters. “The Westboro Baptist Church is known for their actions against gay people; picketing is what they do. They hide behind the 1st Amendment and free speech and now that the tables have been turned they don’t want any part of it. This group continues to make me sick.”


The Westboro Baptist Church who is known for its extreme ideologies and picketing funerals, especially those against gay people, is not affiliated with any Baptist denomination. The Baptist World Alliance and the Southern Baptist Convention (the two largest Baptist denominations) have each denounced the WBC over the years. The church describes itself as following Primitive Baptist and Calvinist principles.

The funeral for Fred Phelps has not yet been scheduled.

###



Drugs In Colorado: New Deadly Strain Of Marijuana Turning Users Gay

gay marijuana

Federal agents display a recent seizure made at a Denver dispensary.

Denver, CO — Just when you thought the drug problem in Colorado could not get any worse, law enforcement officials are now reporting incidents of marijuana users turning gay.

“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said Dr. Paul Horner of the Barrow Neurological Institute. “The drug users in Colorado are injecting a strain of marijuana that changes the chemical makeup in the brain. The drug effects the receptors that controls your like or dislike of the opposite sex.”

James L. Capra, the chief of operations at the DEA, told CNN that marijuana related problems in Colorado have quadrupled since the legalization of the drug. “I have to say this…going down the path to legalization in this country is reckless and irresponsible,” he said. “I’m talking about the long term impact of legalization in the United States. It scares us. And now that kids are turning gay from the drug, how much longer do politicians need to keep this deadly experiment going?”


John Winger from Denver told reporters about his experience using the drug. “Right after I injected the pot I knew something was wrong,” Winger said. “My male friend, who I don’t even really like, we were so high from this stuff, we started making out and giving each other HJ’s. I used to like girls, seriously. I wish I would have never done drugs.”

This weekend federal agents raided Rite Greens Pot Shop in Denver and found 13 pounds of the drug.

“We don’t have a name yet for this new strain of gay marijuana,” Capra said. “I urge the great people of Colorado to be on the lookout for addicts, the sharing of pot needles and gay stoners. These potheads don’t care if they turn gay or not, all they care about is getting their next fix.”

The DEA is urging residents who have information about this homosex strain of marijuana to call the Denver Police Department at (785) 273-0325. As always, you can remain anonymous.

###


Dogs Fed Dennis Rodman In Critical Condition After Poisoning

Dennis Rodman eaten by dogs in North Korea

Dennis Rodman seen here just days before poisoning a pack of wild dogs.

Pyongyang, North Korea — Fifty-four North Korean dogs were hospitalized in critical condition today after becoming violently ill. The hounds were found with unknown toxins in their blood that doctors say are a direct result from eating Dennis Rodman.

At a press conference this afternoon, White House spokesman Paul Horner told reporters he does not agree with the actions taken by Kim Jong Un. “There are so many other ways the North Korean government could have nourished those starving canines. Who knows what kind of horrible things were inside Dennis Rodman. No animal deserves that kind of abuse.”

Knoshon Mootron, a homeless man, told CNN he is saddened by the news. “Just thinking about all the horrific diseases Dennis Rodman could have given those dogs makes me sick to my stomach. Those poor innocent hounds; their only crime was being hungry, frowny face.”

Dennis Rodman fed to dogs in North Korea

President Obama on Twitter after learning of the dogs poisoned by Dennis Rodman.

Horner finished the press conference by addressing the health issues the dogs will now face. “The possible STDs these dogs have is unimaginable. We can only begin to understand the complexity of these mutated organisms that evolved inside Dennis Rodman.”

Fans of Kim Jong Un may remember an incident last month where the dictator got blackout drunk and fed his uncle to over one hundred ravenous dogs.

FUN FACT

Feeding people to dogs gained popularity in 1854 when Allen Montgomery of West Texas fed his neighbor to his three dogs after the neighbor called Montgomery a clay-brained beetle-headed dewberry.

###


12-Year-Old Divorces Parents Over Wrong Christmas Present

Phoenix, AZ — A 12-year-old girl successfully divorced her parents on Monday after receiving a Christmas present that was not on her wish list.

Girl divorces parents

Princess Horner on Facebook telling friends about the Christmas present gone wrong.

Steve Middleton from Middleton and Associates who represented the girl, told reporters outside the Phoenix Municipal Court that he was pleased with the judges decision. “This was a clear case of child abuse and neglect,” Middleton said. “Once I saw that broken iPad, my heart just went out to her. I knew it was up to me to get her out of that dangerous situation.”


35-year-old Paul Horner told CNN he does not agree with the judge’s ruling but is hopeful for his daughter’s future. “My wife and I will miss our little girl so much,” Horner said. “We tried to give her everything she wanted, but sometimes she would just get so angry with us. Hopefully the state can provide her with better care than we did.”

“This sends a clear message to all of the parents around the world,” Middleton told reporters. “No more half-assing it when it comes to Christmas time. If a parent wants to be a parent, then they have to step up and be a parent. No one is going to be a parent for these parents anymore, except when you lose the right to be a parent, like the Horner family has. Now the state will be her parents and fulfill all her parenting needs.”

###


California’s Mega Millions Winner Comes Forward

pedo

Mega Millions winner Paul Horner showing reporters a few of his prized baby clothes from his massive collection.

San Jose, CA — This morning lottery officials were pleased to announce that the second winner in Tuesday night’s Mega Millions has come forward. That lucky person is 35-year-old Paul Horner from San Jose, California. He is the winner of the $636 million jackpot, the second largest in history. Mr. Horner won by correctly matching all five numbers including the Mega Ball.

Horner, who is single with no children, told reporters about his hobby that he plans to expand with his new found wealth. “I like collecting baby clothes or little people clothes. If the shirt is tiny I just really love it, the tinier the better,” Horner said. “Now that I have all this money I know I’m going to be buying so many really small wardrobes. I’ll probably go on a lot of little clothes shopping sprees. There’s a tiny person clothes store right by my house, I’ll be there for sure.” Horner continued, “I think I’m going to use the rest the money to try and get Ted Cruz elected President in 2016. I don’t really follow politics, I just think he has an amazing smirk and could share that wonderful facial feature with the rest of the country.”

Two tickets matched the six numbers needed to win Tuesday’s Mega Millions jackpot.

Horner purchased his winning ticket at Jennifer’s Gifts & Kids Wear, in San Jose, California. The other ticket was sold in Atlanta, Georgia. The two winners will split the second-largest US lottery jackpot on record – leaving them with $328 million each in winnings.


The owner of the store that sold the winning ticket will receive a $1 million bonus, according to San Jose lottery officials.

Mega Millions changed its rules in October to help increase the jackpots by lowering the odds of winning the top prize. Originally, customers chose five numbers from 1-56 and one number from 1-46. The new structure has customers choosing five numbers from 1-75 and one number from 1-15. That sliced the odds of winning from 1 in 176 million to 1 in 259 million.

Tuesday’s drawing aside, Mega Millions jackpots are likely to continue swelling after lottery officials boosted their potential payouts.

The jackpot started at $12 million October 4th.

By last week, it was up to $425 million, then $586 million on Monday before being raised to $636 million Tuesday morning.

On Wednesday in Stone Mountain, Georgia, Ira Curry came forward as the other Mega Millions winner.
Paul Horner Mega Millions winning ticket

Paul Horner showing reporters the winning ticket.

Lottery officials are still not sure what to make of the winner in San Jose who matched all six numbers correctly. “He’s quite an odd character”, said lottery official Tim Parkos. “I’m kind of sad that this thing is over. That jackpot was growing into something really amazing. With all of that money you could feed most of the world’s starving children, or provide clean drinking water in a third world country. I’m pretty sure there is no god when a guy like Paul Horner becomes the winner of something this special. Hopefully the winner in Georgia will put the money to better use.”


Horner told CNN about his plans for the future. “This money is definitely going to change my life forever,” Horner said. “I like to try on my little clothing but unfortunately it never fits because I’m too big. But now I have all this money and can fix that problem.” Horner continued, “There’s an experimental surgery they just started doing in Mexico that allows humans to be smaller, like a lot smaller. It’s an extremely dangerous procedure but I think the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. You gotta live your dreams, ya’ know. If you don’t live them, somebody else will.”

The winning numbers in Tuesday’s drawing were 8, 14, 17, 20, 39 and the mega ball was 7. The odds of winning Tuesday’s Mega Millions drawing were 1 in 259 million. Mega Millions is played in 43 states, the District of Columbia and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Tuesday’s jackpot was just $20 million short of the $656 million U.S. record set in the March 2012 drawing.

— End —


Arizona’s Sheriff Joe Withholding Food From Inmates For The Holidays

Joe Arpaio not feeding inmates not feeding inmates for the holiday.

Joe Arpaio making a surprise visit to one of his jails this year.

Phoenix, AZ — The controversial sheriff in Arizona, Joe Arpaio, is once again making national headlines. This time the sheriff is refusing to feed inmates for the holiday season beginning the morning of December 25th and ending midnight on December 31st. The sheriff is also putting a halt to all commissary sales during these days. Prisoners will not be allowed to purchase or eat any food regardless if it was purchased before the 25th.

Activists protested outside of the auditorium in downtown Phoenix where Arpaio held a press conference to announce the news. ”Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights. The inmates here can do a week,” chuckled Arpaio. “Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.”

These kinds of publicity stunts are nothing new for Arpaio who has sparked controversy in the past for his treatment of inmates. Such things as mandatory pink underwear for inmates, the first all-female chain gang and replacing all meat products with soy are all credited to Arpaio.

Paul Horner with the American Civil Liberties Union said Arpaio has gone too far this time. “This is the definition of a human rights violation. They may be inmates but they deserve to be treated properly and that includes such basic human necessities such as food and water,” Horner said. “More than 98% of the inmates at Tent City are there for non-violent crimes or probation violation. This is just more Arpaio antics aimed to show-off in front of the media while prisoners suffer.”

“I hope the inmates give thanks for the meals they won’t be eating for a week,” Arpaio’s said. “I hope this will help them get in the holiday spirit. They’ll be outside in their cots, freezing weather, dreaming of Santa Claus bringing them food for their hungry belly,” Arpaio laughed.

The official Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office website features a bio of Arpaio that touts his accomplishments in providing inmates with “the cheapest meals in the U.S.” by feeding inmates “only twice daily, to cut the labor costs of meal delivery.” Arpaio has “even stopped serving them salt and pepper” to save taxpayer money, according to the bio.

Arpaio recently implemented a vegetarian diet for inmates in an effort to save $100,000 on food costs for prisoners. He also announced in March a plan to charge inmates $1 for their meals. Currently the average meal for an inmate in a Maricopa County jail costs between 15 and 40 cents according to the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office website.

9-Year-Old Suspended For Saying ‘Merry Christmas’ To Teacher

War on Christmas

Outside Anon Elementary school where the war on Christmas was declared.

San Francisco, CA — The ‘war on Christmas’ continues as a simple well-wishing of ‘Merry Christmas’ has led to big trouble for one fourth-grade San Francisco boy this week.

Timothy Dawson, a 9-year-old student at Anon Elementary School in San Francisco, CA., was in the school cafeteria Monday eating with friends when he was taken to the principal’s office and given a week-long suspension. His punishment was consequence for saying ‘Merry Christmas’ to his homeroom teacher earlier that morning.

Dawson’s teacher, 35-year-old Paul Horner who is an outspoken Atheist, was offended at the students display of Christmas spirit and had staff suspend the young boy for the rest of the week.


“I say ‘Merry Christmas’ to everyone,” the boy told CNN. “I didn’t think it would cause so much trouble just for saying a couple little words.”

The boy’s mother, Laura Dawson, 41, was fuming over the issue.

“You don’t traumatize a child who loves to go to school, who wanted to be early every day to school, you don’t make him cry, just for wishing someone Merry Christmas,” she told reporters, holding back tears. “You just don’t do it.”

Reporters spoke with Mr. Horner as he was leaving from school on Tuesday. “I warned the children not to bring religion into my classroom,” Horner said. “Maybe he’ll [Tim] listen to adults next time.”

Anon Elementary School officials declined to comment.

UPDATE 12/12/13:

We have located the email address for the Atheist teacher in the story, Paul Horner. I think he deserves a nice well-wishing of Merry Christmas!

Email: paul.horner.a.elementary@gmail.com

###


California Allows First-Ever State Recognized Human-Animal Marriage

man marries dog

Paul Horner and his dog Mac at their wedding on Monday in front of friends, family and a priest declaring their love towards each other for eternity.

San Francisco, CA — On Monday history was made at the Chapel of Our Lady at the Presidio in San Francisco as the first-ever state recognized human-animal marriage took place.

Local resident 35-year-old Paul Horner was the groom during the ceremony. Joining him was his faithful dog Mac who is 36-years-old in dog years. Mac also decided to be the groom but ended up wearing a white veil at the last moment.

Father McHale who officiated the outdoor wedding told reporters he was extremely happy to be a part of this joyous moment of life. “This is the definition of true love my friends. There is nothing more sacred than the bond between a man and his faithful dog,” McHale said. “Now, since it is recognized as a legally binding marriage in the state of California, Mr. Horner and Mac will have all the same tax benefits and everything else coming to them that a regular married couple would receive. It’s a fantastic day to be alive!”

So how could this have happened?

In the book of California’s State Laws and Regulations there is a little known law that was passed as the state was first forming in 1850. According to article 155, paragraph 10, it clearly states:

If a man and a man can get married and a woman and a woman can get married, if ever comes that day, then a human and animal will have the exact same rights to marriage in every eye of the law. God help us if this ever is to happen!


In attendance was Horner’s entire family who flew in from Hawaii to witness the event. Mac had her puppies on hand and making a special celebrity appearance was Alex from Stroh’s and Spuds Mckenzie.

“I just love my Mac so much, I can’t wait till we can finally get back to the honeymoon sweet in Montana where bestiality is legal. Gosh, get with the times California! We can marry here just fine, but love making is a big no-no,” said Horner. “People keep asking me why I wanted to marry a dog. I told them I just want the same god given rights that every person in California is allowed to have. Don’t tell me I can’t marry my dog. I don’t tell you that you can’t marry a 500 lb woman with gas issues. That’s your decision. Don’t tread on me. I love my dog and I know he loves me a hundred times more than any gay wedding out there.”

With this wedding between a man and a male dog now on the books, one can only ask what is in store next?

A man marrying a toaster? A toaster marrying a dog? A toaster marrying a toaster?

America, what happened to the sanctity of marriage? Tsk. Tsk.

###


‘Knockout’ Thug Loses Game Permanently to Granny’s Big Gun

Granny kills knockout game thug

Gladis Bennett shows reporters the gun she used to kill her ‘Knockout Game’ attacker.

St. Louis, MO — 93-year-old Gladis Bennett was on her way to visit her grandchildren as she usual does every Saturday morning. The air was crisp and cool without a cloud in the sky. It was a special morning too. It was her granddaughter’s 14th birthday. Bennett who has a pension from the military was excited that she could afford the extra presents and treats for her granddaughter’s party that afternoon. She was waiting for the number ten bus that would take her into downtown. That is when everything changed.

“I was waiting at the bus stop and suddenly felt this sharp pain to the left side of my body. The blunt force was so strong that it knocked me down. When I looked up I could see a group of thugs laughing at me. Then one of them started kicking me. So before they had a chance to do more harm, I reached in my purse, pulled out my gun and shot the main aggressor. Luckily they all ran after that. I was terrified. I thought they were going to kill me.”

51-year-old Knoshon Mootron a homeless man from St. Louis who witnessed the attack told reporters that Bennett acted like a superhero. “I saw her get sucker punched from behind, hard. She hit the ground, then they all start kicking her, she grabs this huge gun out of her purse and BOOM! Headshot! Game over son, ya know what I’m sayin’? Poor n*gga never had a chance.”


“I was mugged about a year ago,” says Bennett. “It’s scary living alone. My grandsons are all grown up so I decided to get my NRA card and a concealed weapons permit. If I hadn’t done what I did who knows what those group of boys would have done to me.”

Bennett was taken to St. Luke’s Hospital with scrapes and bruises but was released later that day. As for her attacker 21-year-old Damon Williams, he was pronounced dead at the seen from a bullet inflicted wound to the head.”

St. Louis Police Detective Paul Horner told CNN the ‘Knockout Game’ is extremely dangerous and needs to stop before more people get killed. “How many more of our young African American youths will have to die before it clicks in their tiny little brains not to do this stupid sh*t anymore? It’s not cool, people are dying. These folks out there are getting themselves severely injured over some stupid game. This unnecessary violence needs to stop now. People are becoming more and more aware of this ‘Knockout Game’ so it is only a fact more and more people are carrying a gun to protect themselves,” Horner said, “You play the ‘Knockout Game’ and expect to be shot. It’s that simple.”

St. Louis Police Officers detained Bennett for questioning where she was soon released. As of this moment no charges are expected to be filed.

What Is The Knockout Game?

The ‘Knockout Game’ is a violent new trend which is growing in popularity among African Americans both young and old. The so-called “Knockout Game” involves assaulting people without warning and it is claiming lives.


The victims of the brutal game are chosen at random. Defenseless and unsuspecting people are attacked by groups of teens who have one goal in mind: to knock the victim out with one punch.

“One-hitter quitter,” “knock em’ and drop em,” “point em’ out and knock ‘em out” are all names for this disturbing new trend that is now drawing nationwide attention.

Recent attacks have occurred in New York, New Haven, Conn., Washington, D.C. and suburban Philadelphia. But the violent attacks go back several years too. In 2011, St. Louis, Mo. had a rash of incidents, one of which led to the killing of a Vietnamese immigrant. Some of the assaults are recorded and posted on websites such as Youtube by the attackers.

If you are a witness to the ‘Knockout Game’ immediately contact your local authorities. You could just save a life and receive a possible reward. As always you can remain anonymous.

###



Man Finds 6 Million Dollars Worth Of Bitcoins At Garage Sale

The online virtual currency Bitcoins

Image of the online virtual currency Bitcoins.

Phoenix, AZ — An Arizona man got the surprise of his life when a ten dollar investment at a neighborhood garage sale this weekend turned him into a millionaire overnight.

35-year-old Paul Horner was out walking his dog Mac when he came upon a neighborhood yard sale and decided to stop. “I found an old Dell computer that my neighbor was selling for 15 dollars. I talked him down to ten,” Horner said. “When I got home and turned it on I found Word documents in one of the folders. There was password information for something called Bitcoins. So I logged in to the account and there was over 10,000 of these things. I quickly sold half of them and the other half I decided to keep.”

Bitcoins are a virtual currency facilitated by an open-source peer-to-peer cryptographic protocol that functions without the intermediation of any central authority. The concept was introduced in a 2008 paper by a pseudonymous developer known as “Satoshi Nakamoto” and have been in use since January of 2009.

Mr. Horner’s name may seem familiar to some. He was recently in the news for having the biggest penis in the world according to Guinness World Records.

“Things have been really going my way lately,” Horner told CNN. “I feel as if I have 6 million dollars and the biggest penis in the world… oh wait, I do.”

The Bitcoin took a huge step towards the mainstream on Monday when federal authorities signaled their willingness to accept it as a legitimate payment alternative. The Department of Justice and Securities and Exchange Commission told a U.S. Senate committee that Bitcoins are legitimate financial instruments.

Horner told reporters he plans to use the money to better mankind. “I told my neighbor who sold me the computer I’m giving him a million dollars. I’ll probably give my family a million dollars too. The rest I’ll use to buy a new house, probably buy a sweet nightclub, a helicopter or something, a dolphin costume, a couple cars, only important stuff. I always wanted to do two chicks at the same time. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, because chicks dig dudes with money.”

According to U.S. based Coinbase, which allows users to buy and sell Bitcoins who have a United States bank account, the price of a single Bitcoin reached a high of $800 late Monday evening.