Christian Anti-Masturbation Group’s Mascot Arrested For Public Masturbation

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here speaking to children about the dangers and consequences of masturbation.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here at Evergreen Elementary School in Los Angeles, California while on his nationwide tour.

Phoenix, AZ — In an ironic twist of a fate, a mascot for a Christian anti-masturbation organization was arrested Sunday for masturbating in public. The group recently finished a federally funded 31-city nationwide school tour which it says focused on educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of masturbation.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, whose real name is 35-year-old Paul Horner, was arrested on Sunday at Metta Yoga in Phoenix after employees notified police about a man with no pants on peering through office windows.

Tom Downey with the Phoenix Police Department, who took Horner into custody, spoke with Arizona news station ABC 15 about the arrest. “We thought at first he was possibly intoxicated or mentally unstable, ya know, talking about children and how deadly it is for them to masturbate. Telling us he was in town with a Christian organization aimed at talking with children about the dangers of masturbation. Saying things like, ‘They need to stop playing on the devil’s playground, stop pounding their devil stick or ringing the Devil’s doorbell’,” Downey said. “Things got very odd when Horner broke down crying in the back of my cruiser and began making noises, kind of like a fish, saying that he believed himself to be an actual dolphin. It was really strange.”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now spoke with reporters about the future of the organization after this recent setback. “Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy has helped tens of thousands of adults and children learn to live a masturbation-free lifestyle. During his visits to schools around the world, Fappy has collected thousands of signatures from children promising to never masturbate; he has done great things,” Childs said. “It’s a shame how the media is portraying Fappy right now. Paul Horner is a great man. He’s passionate about his work, he loves being Fappy, he loves the kids. They even have a nickname for him, they call him the tickle monster. But now, all of that is possibly ruined by some trumped-up charges by the Phoenix five-oh, such a shame. I have activated my prayer app and I ask each and every one of you to keep Fappy in your prayers until this incident is resolved. Praise Fappy!”

Horner told CNN by phone that he plans to make the most of his imprisonment. “I want to apologize to all my amazing fans out there, I love and miss you all,” Horner said. “You have my word that I will make the most of this bad situation. Jail is just a hotbed for self-rape and immoral acts. I plan to do everything in my power to stop the masturbation currently happening in this jail.”

On the group’s Facebook page this morning, news was posted of the arrest.

I have some bad news everyone. I want you to hear it here first before the media outlets spread their lies about the incident. Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, whose real name is Paul Horner, was arrested yesterday by Phoenix police. Our lawyers tell us he is being charged with public masturbation, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. He is currently being held at the 4th Avenue Jail in Phoenix, Arizona until a bond is set by a judge, this happening hopefully soon. Please don’t jump to any conclusions about this until we have all the evidence. Please keep Fappy in your prayers during this difficult time.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach both children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. For more information or if you would like the group to visit your child’s school call (785) 273-0325.

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First Gay Marriage To Be Held At The White House

Obama and the Muslim Brotherhood


President Obama, seen here with his brother, Malik Obama from Kenya, is just one member of the Muslim Brotherhood who plans to attend the gay wedding between Michael Sam and Vito Cammisano to be held at the White House. (AP Photo/Michael Kortas)

Washington, DC — In what is being dubbed as the “Wedding Of The Century”, openly-gay football star of the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam and his long-time boyfriend, Vito Cammisano, are to be married at the White House, with President Barack Obama overseeing the Muslim themed event.

At a press conference on Saturday, Obama spoke with reporters about the gay wedding to be held at the White House.

“These are amazing times my friends. I am proud to be part of an era where two grown men can fall in love, and have it accepted by the majority of the American citizens. What better place to join these two men in holy matrimony than the White House,” Obama said. “I am thrilled to be a part of this historic event.”

President Obama has long been a staunch supporter of gay rights, even signing the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act in 2009.


Muhammad El-Sayed, who is a member of the Muslim Brotherhood’s Freedom and Justice Party told CNN that he is pleased with Obama and his actions. “I spoke with President Obama by telephone yesterday after his announcement and personally thanked him for what he is doing. Not just for the Muslim community, but for all non-Christians living in this country”, El-Sayed said. “We need to make this Muslim-themed wedding absolutely amazing, even if it is between two men. Praise Allah.”

Others were not so supportive of the gay wedding to be held at the White House. Michele Bachmann told Fox News, “This is everything that is wrong with America. Our country was founded as a Christian nation, and that’s a fact! The Holy Bible tells us that marriage is between a man and a woman. These people are making a mockery of this sacred, heterosexual union. What’s next, a toaster and a man getting married? A dog and a woman getting married? Giving homosexuals the right to marry is a slippery slope, and Obama should be ashamed of himself. What kind of message does this send to the young people of today?”

Tax payers are also a bit miffed at the wedding expenses, which are expected to be in the millions. All the guests will be put up at local Washington DC five star hotel, The Jefferson and flown in by private jet.


Members of the guest list include, Ellen Degeneres, Neil Patrick Harris, George Clooney, Malik Obama, Paul Horner and leaders from both the Muslim Brotherhood, and LGBTQ groups. Entertainment will be a healthy mix of pop, and traditional Muslim tunes from such acts as Kanye West, Yusuf Islam, Seven 8 Six and Beyonce Knowles.

Obama will serve as the “Maulavi“, which is the Islamic version of an ordained minister. The Commander And Chief will also perform the entire ceremony, called a “Nikaah“, in his native Islamic tongue, and he and his wife, Michelle Obama, will be robed in traditional Muslim clothing.

Sam’s fiance, Vito Cammisano, 23-year-old grandson of late Mafia boss William (Willie the Rat) Cammisano — who reportedly got his name for the way he disposed of bodies — and the son of Gerlarmo Cammisano, 60, who followed in the family’s business and ended up doing prison time for running a Kansas City-based gambling ring, according to records. Vito converted to Islam two years ago, and has since gone onto disassociate himself from his family and their alleged mob-ties.

Sam, who came out during interviews with ESPN and The New York Times in February was selected by the Rams as the 249th overall pick in the 2014 NFL Draft.



Clay Aiken Shot In The Face

Clay Aiken

A Lego rendition of Clay Aiken taken just seconds before he was shot in the face at his New York City Penthouse on Saturday. (AP Photo/Orlin Wagner, File) / AP

New York City, NY — The Twittersphere is in a buzz with hashtags such as #AIKEN4EVER and #AIKENSHOTINFACE, after former “American Idol” star Clay Aiken was found dead with an apparent gun shot to the face. Police are ruling out suicide as the bullet entered through the glass window of Aiken’s New York City Penthouse.

“This was obviously done by some kind of sniper who did not like Aiken, and for good reason,” Police Detective Paul Horner told CNN Saturday morning. “The assassin was probably was a ninja dressed in black, or something super stealth, who really hated Clay Aiken. It’s too bad for Aiken that he was not wearing a bullet-proof vest. I’m sure there were talks of investing in one but those talks unfortunately came too late for Aiken.”

“He was just so g**damn gay, and then they killed him,” long-time person Keven Sanders of Las Vegas said. “Whenever someone would talk about Clay Aiken, the conversation would always start off about how many dudes he probably slept with and if he always wore a bullet proof vest, and if he wore the bullet proof vest while sleeping with the dudes. Everyone knew this was eventually going to happen.”

“We loved him so much,” 37-year-old Matthew Davis and his mother 67-year-old Martha Davis screamed. “It wouldn’t have even mattered if he always wore a bullet proof vest because a bullet proof vest doesn’t protect your face from being shot.” They then they proceeded to sing one of Aiken’s gay songs about rainbows or humanity or something.

Aiken was extremely popular with older lonely woman who were attracted to him or wanted him as their virtual child and men of all ages. Aiken was on the verge of securing the Democratic nomination Friday in North Carolina’s 2nd district, just three days after appearing to win the primary. The killer is described as a ninja in black possibly part of an elite sniper team. Any information please contact Detective Horner at (785) 273-0325. As always, you can remain anonymous.

Westboro Baptist Church Suing Funeral Protesters Of Fred Phelps

Fred Phelps Sr. prepares to protest outside the Kansas Statehouse in Topeka, Kansas

In this July 1, 2007 photo, the Rev. Fred Phelps Sr. prepares to protest outside the Kansas Statehouse in Topeka, Kansas. Phelps, the founder of the Kansas church known for anti-gay protests and pickets at military funerals, died Thursday, March 20, 2014. He was 84. (AP Photo/Orlin Wagner, File) / AP

“Any f*gs that wanna come out and protest my dad’s funeral better be ready for a lawsuit,” Fred Phelps‘s son, Timothy Phelps told CNN on Friday.

The threat of a lawsuit comes two days after the death of the Westboro Baptist Church founder. Phelps’ son, confirmed to Kansas’ WIBW that Phelps died “before midnight” on Wednesday at the age of 84.

Paul Horner who is a spokesman for the Westboro Baptist Church told reporters that the funeral for Fred Phelps would be closed to the public. “Show the man some respect on his well-deserved journey into Heaven,” Horner said. “No f*gs better show up with signs thinking that they’re being clever either. Any f*g caught protesting this great man’s funeral will get sued. This is their only warning so I won’t be repeating myself anytime in the near future.”

“I think it’s pretty ironic that this so called church is making these outrageous threats of a lawsuit,” said human rights activist Sarah Winters. “The Westboro Baptist Church is known for their actions against gay people; picketing is what they do. They hide behind the 1st Amendment and free speech and now that the tables have been turned they don’t want any part of it. This group continues to make me sick.”


The Westboro Baptist Church who is known for its extreme ideologies and picketing funerals, especially those against gay people, is not affiliated with any Baptist denomination. The Baptist World Alliance and the Southern Baptist Convention (the two largest Baptist denominations) have each denounced the WBC over the years. The church describes itself as following Primitive Baptist and Calvinist principles.

The funeral for Fred Phelps has not yet been scheduled.

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Drugs In Colorado: New Deadly Strain Of Marijuana Turning Users Gay

gay marijuana

Federal agents display a recent seizure made at a Denver dispensary.

Denver, CO — Just when you thought the drug problem in Colorado could not get any worse, law enforcement officials are now reporting incidents of marijuana users turning gay.

“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said Dr. Paul Horner of the Barrow Neurological Institute. “The drug users in Colorado are injecting a strain of marijuana that changes the chemical makeup in the brain. The drug effects the receptors that controls your like or dislike of the opposite sex.”

James L. Capra, the chief of operations at the DEA, told CNN that marijuana related problems in Colorado have quadrupled since the legalization of the drug. “I have to say this…going down the path to legalization in this country is reckless and irresponsible,” he said. “I’m talking about the long term impact of legalization in the United States. It scares us. And now that kids are turning gay from the drug, how much longer do politicians need to keep this deadly experiment going?”


John Winger from Denver told reporters about his experience using the drug. “Right after I injected the pot I knew something was wrong,” Winger said. “My male friend, who I don’t even really like, we were so high from this stuff, we started making out and giving each other HJ’s. I used to like girls, seriously. I wish I would have never done drugs.”

This weekend federal agents raided Rite Greens Pot Shop in Denver and found 13 pounds of the drug.

“We don’t have a name yet for this new strain of gay marijuana,” Capra said. “I urge the great people of Colorado to be on the lookout for addicts, the sharing of pot needles and gay stoners. These potheads don’t care if they turn gay or not, all they care about is getting their next fix.”

The DEA is urging residents who have information about this homosex strain of marijuana to call the Denver Police Department at (785) 273-0325. As always, you can remain anonymous.

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Dogs Fed Dennis Rodman In Critical Condition After Poisoning

Dennis Rodman eaten by dogs in North Korea

Dennis Rodman seen here just days before poisoning a pack of wild dogs.

Pyongyang, North Korea — Fifty-four North Korean dogs were hospitalized in critical condition today after becoming violently ill. The hounds were found with unknown toxins in their blood that doctors say are a direct result from eating Dennis Rodman.

At a press conference this afternoon, White House spokesman Paul Horner told reporters he does not agree with the actions taken by Kim Jong Un. “There are so many other ways the North Korean government could have nourished those starving canines. Who knows what kind of horrible things were inside Dennis Rodman. No animal deserves that kind of abuse.”

Knoshon Mootron, a homeless man, told CNN he is saddened by the news. “Just thinking about all the horrific diseases Dennis Rodman could have given those dogs makes me sick to my stomach. Those poor innocent hounds; their only crime was being hungry, frowny face.”

Dennis Rodman fed to dogs in North Korea

President Obama on Twitter after learning of the dogs poisoned by Dennis Rodman.

Horner finished the press conference by addressing the health issues the dogs will now face. “The possible STDs these dogs have is unimaginable. We can only begin to understand the complexity of these mutated organisms that evolved inside Dennis Rodman.”

Fans of Kim Jong Un may remember an incident last month where the dictator got blackout drunk and fed his uncle to over one hundred ravenous dogs.

FUN FACT

Feeding people to dogs gained popularity in 1854 when Allen Montgomery of West Texas fed his neighbor to his three dogs after the neighbor called Montgomery a clay-brained beetle-headed dewberry.

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12-Year-Old Divorces Parents Over Wrong Christmas Present

Phoenix, AZ — A 12-year-old girl successfully divorced her parents on Monday after receiving a Christmas present that was not on her wish list.

Girl divorces parents

Princess Horner on Facebook telling friends about the Christmas present gone wrong.

Steve Middleton from Middleton and Associates who represented the girl, told reporters outside the Phoenix Municipal Court that he was pleased with the judges decision. “This was a clear case of child abuse and neglect,” Middleton said. “Once I saw that broken iPad, my heart just went out to her. I knew it was up to me to get her out of that dangerous situation.”


35-year-old Paul Horner told CNN he does not agree with the judge’s ruling but is hopeful for his daughter’s future. “My wife and I will miss our little girl so much,” Horner said. “We tried to give her everything she wanted, but sometimes she would just get so angry with us. Hopefully the state can provide her with better care than we did.”

“This sends a clear message to all of the parents around the world,” Middleton told reporters. “No more half-assing it when it comes to Christmas time. If a parent wants to be a parent, then they have to step up and be a parent. No one is going to be a parent for these parents anymore, except when you lose the right to be a parent, like the Horner family has. Now the state will be her parents and fulfill all her parenting needs.”

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California’s Mega Millions Winner Comes Forward

pedo

Mega Millions winner Paul Horner showing reporters a few of his prized baby clothes from his massive collection.

San Jose, CA — This morning lottery officials were pleased to announce that the second winner in Tuesday night’s Mega Millions has come forward. That lucky person is 35-year-old Paul Horner from San Jose, California. He is the winner of the $636 million jackpot, the second largest in history. Mr. Horner won by correctly matching all five numbers including the Mega Ball.

Horner, who is single with no children, told reporters about his hobby that he plans to expand with his new found wealth. “I like collecting baby clothes or little people clothes. If the shirt is tiny I just really love it, the tinier the better,” Horner said. “Now that I have all this money I know I’m going to be buying so many really small wardrobes. I’ll probably go on a lot of little clothes shopping sprees. There’s a tiny person clothes store right by my house, I’ll be there for sure.” Horner continued, “I think I’m going to use the rest the money to try and get Ted Cruz elected President in 2016. I don’t really follow politics, I just think he has an amazing smirk and could share that wonderful facial feature with the rest of the country.”

Two tickets matched the six numbers needed to win Tuesday’s Mega Millions jackpot.

Horner purchased his winning ticket at Jennifer’s Gifts & Kids Wear, in San Jose, California. The other ticket was sold in Atlanta, Georgia. The two winners will split the second-largest US lottery jackpot on record – leaving them with $328 million each in winnings.


The owner of the store that sold the winning ticket will receive a $1 million bonus, according to San Jose lottery officials.

Mega Millions changed its rules in October to help increase the jackpots by lowering the odds of winning the top prize. Originally, customers chose five numbers from 1-56 and one number from 1-46. The new structure has customers choosing five numbers from 1-75 and one number from 1-15. That sliced the odds of winning from 1 in 176 million to 1 in 259 million.

Tuesday’s drawing aside, Mega Millions jackpots are likely to continue swelling after lottery officials boosted their potential payouts.

The jackpot started at $12 million October 4th.

By last week, it was up to $425 million, then $586 million on Monday before being raised to $636 million Tuesday morning.

On Wednesday in Stone Mountain, Georgia, Ira Curry came forward as the other Mega Millions winner.
Paul Horner Mega Millions winning ticket

Paul Horner showing reporters the winning ticket.

Lottery officials are still not sure what to make of the winner in San Jose who matched all six numbers correctly. “He’s quite an odd character”, said lottery official Tim Parkos. “I’m kind of sad that this thing is over. That jackpot was growing into something really amazing. With all of that money you could feed most of the world’s starving children, or provide clean drinking water in a third world country. I’m pretty sure there is no god when a guy like Paul Horner becomes the winner of something this special. Hopefully the winner in Georgia will put the money to better use.”


Horner told CNN about his plans for the future. “This money is definitely going to change my life forever,” Horner said. “I like to try on my little clothing but unfortunately it never fits because I’m too big. But now I have all this money and can fix that problem.” Horner continued, “There’s an experimental surgery they just started doing in Mexico that allows humans to be smaller, like a lot smaller. It’s an extremely dangerous procedure but I think the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. You gotta live your dreams, ya’ know. If you don’t live them, somebody else will.”

The winning numbers in Tuesday’s drawing were 8, 14, 17, 20, 39 and the mega ball was 7. The odds of winning Tuesday’s Mega Millions drawing were 1 in 259 million. Mega Millions is played in 43 states, the District of Columbia and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Tuesday’s jackpot was just $20 million short of the $656 million U.S. record set in the March 2012 drawing.

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Arizona’s Sheriff Joe Withholding Food From Inmates For The Holidays

Joe Arpaio not feeding inmates not feeding inmates for the holiday.

Joe Arpaio making a surprise visit to one of his jails this year.

Phoenix, AZ — The controversial sheriff in Arizona, Joe Arpaio, is once again making national headlines. This time the sheriff is refusing to feed inmates for the holiday season beginning the morning of December 25th and ending midnight on December 31st. The sheriff is also putting a halt to all commissary sales during these days. Prisoners will not be allowed to purchase or eat any food regardless if it was purchased before the 25th.

Activists protested outside of the auditorium in downtown Phoenix where Arpaio held a press conference to announce the news. ”Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights. The inmates here can do a week,” chuckled Arpaio. “Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.”

These kinds of publicity stunts are nothing new for Arpaio who has sparked controversy in the past for his treatment of inmates. Such things as mandatory pink underwear for inmates, the first all-female chain gang and replacing all meat products with soy are all credited to Arpaio.

Paul Horner with the American Civil Liberties Union said Arpaio has gone too far this time. “This is the definition of a human rights violation. They may be inmates but they deserve to be treated properly and that includes such basic human necessities such as food and water,” Horner said. “More than 98% of the inmates at Tent City are there for non-violent crimes or probation violation. This is just more Arpaio antics aimed to show-off in front of the media while prisoners suffer.”

“I hope the inmates give thanks for the meals they won’t be eating for a week,” Arpaio’s said. “I hope this will help them get in the holiday spirit. They’ll be outside in their cots, freezing weather, dreaming of Santa Claus bringing them food for their hungry belly,” Arpaio laughed.

The official Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office website features a bio of Arpaio that touts his accomplishments in providing inmates with “the cheapest meals in the U.S.” by feeding inmates “only twice daily, to cut the labor costs of meal delivery.” Arpaio has “even stopped serving them salt and pepper” to save taxpayer money, according to the bio.

Arpaio recently implemented a vegetarian diet for inmates in an effort to save $100,000 on food costs for prisoners. He also announced in March a plan to charge inmates $1 for their meals. Currently the average meal for an inmate in a Maricopa County jail costs between 15 and 40 cents according to the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office website.

9-Year-Old Suspended For Saying ‘Merry Christmas’ To Teacher

War on Christmas

Outside Anon Elementary school where the war on Christmas was declared.

San Francisco, CA — The ‘war on Christmas’ continues as a simple well-wishing of ‘Merry Christmas’ has led to big trouble for one fourth-grade San Francisco boy this week.

Timothy Dawson, a 9-year-old student at Anon Elementary School in San Francisco, CA., was in the school cafeteria Monday eating with friends when he was taken to the principal’s office and given a week-long suspension. His punishment was consequence for saying ‘Merry Christmas’ to his homeroom teacher earlier that morning.

Dawson’s teacher, 35-year-old Paul Horner who is an outspoken Atheist, was offended at the students display of Christmas spirit and had staff suspend the young boy for the rest of the week.


“I say ‘Merry Christmas’ to everyone,” the boy told CNN. “I didn’t think it would cause so much trouble just for saying a couple little words.”

The boy’s mother, Laura Dawson, 41, was fuming over the issue.

“You don’t traumatize a child who loves to go to school, who wanted to be early every day to school, you don’t make him cry, just for wishing someone Merry Christmas,” she told reporters, holding back tears. “You just don’t do it.”

Reporters spoke with Mr. Horner as he was leaving from school on Tuesday. “I warned the children not to bring religion into my classroom,” Horner said. “Maybe he’ll [Tim] listen to adults next time.”

Anon Elementary School officials declined to comment.

UPDATE 12/12/13:

We have located the email address for the Atheist teacher in the story, Paul Horner. I think he deserves a nice well-wishing of Merry Christmas!

Email: paul.horner.a.elementary@gmail.com

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