DRUGS IN COLORADO: New Deadly Strain Of Marijuana Turning Users Gay

Just when you thought the drug problem in Colorado could not get any worse, law enforcement officials are now reporting incidents of marijuana users turning gay.



“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said Dr. Paul Horner of the Barrow Neurological Institute. “The drug users in Colorado are injecting a strain of marijuana that changes the chemical makeup in the brain. The drug effects the receptors that controls your like or dislike of the opposite sex.”



Tom Downey, the chief of operations at the DEA, told CNN that marijuana related problems in Colorado have quadrupled since the legalization of the drug. “I have to say this…going down the path to legalization in this country is reckless and irresponsible,” he said. “I’m talking about the long term impact of legalization in the United States. It scares us. And now that kids are turning gay from the drug, how much longer do politicians need to keep this deadly experiment going?”

John Winger from Denver told reporters about his experience using the drug. “Right after I injected the pot I knew something was wrong,” Winger said. “My male friend, who I don’t even really like, we were so high from this stuff, we started making out and giving each other HJ’s. I used to like girls, seriously. I wish I would have never tried drugs.”

“We don’t have a name yet for this new strain of gay marijuana,” Downey said. “I urge the great people of Colorado to be on the lookout for addicts, the sharing of pot needles and gay stoners. These potheads don’t care if they turn gay or not, all they care about is getting their next fix.”

The DEA is urging residents who have information about this homosex strain of marijuana to call the Denver Police Department at (785) 273-0325. As always, you can remain anonymous.





First Ever Head Transplant Is a Success

Doctors in Africa are reporting that a 36-year-old man has made an 80% recovery after receiving the first ever head transplant.

Horner, whose body was riddled with bone cancer, received the donor body from a 21-year-old man who has been brain dead from a car accident back in 2012.

Doctors are excited about the surgery and expect Horner to make a full recovery within one year.

One of the doctors that performed the surgery told reporters, “After the success of this surgery, the possibilities to saving and improving lives are infinite.”

Governor Jan Brewer Pardons Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin For Masturbating In Public

Jan Brewer pardons Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin AKA Paul Horner

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer seen here making the pardon for Paul Horner AKA Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin official / Photo courtesy of PhotosByJoseMunoz.com

Phoenix, AZ — Arizona Governor Jan Brewer announced her controversial decision today granting a full pardon to 35-year-old Phoenix resident Paul Horner, known to his thousands of followers as Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin. Horner made world news last month after his ironic arrest for public masturbation.

“I did a lot of soul searching before making this decision,” Brewer told CNN. “We all make mistakes in life. When it comes down to it, we must ask ourselves, would a person like Mr. Horner be better for society locked up behind bars or outside helping the children of this great country learn about the dangers of masturbation? I think the question answers itself.”

Horner, who was arrested last month outside Metta Yoga in Phoenix after employees notified police about a man with no pants on peering through office windows, said he is thrilled with the governor’s decision. “This makes Fappy® very happy,” Horner told reporters. “To be honest I would have been fine either way, in jail, out of jail, it doesn’t matter; my message always stays the same. The prisons in Arizona are just a hotbed of self-rape, that I had planned to fix. Maybe I’ll get a chance to do this the next time I get arrested.” Horner continued, “Thank you Jan Brewer, you are now a member of team Fappy® and we’re glad to have you!”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now spoke with reporters about the future of the organization after this recent setback. “Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy® has helped tens of thousands of adults and children learn about living a masturbation-free lifestyle. During all his years of visiting schools around the world, Fappy® has collected thousands of signatures from children promising never to masturbate; he has done great things,” Childs said. “It’s a shame how the media had portrayed Fappy® after the arrest. Paul Horner is a great man. He is passionate about his work, he loves being Fappy®, he loves the kids. They even have a nickname for him, they call him the tickle monster. That all could have been ruined by some trumped-up charges by the Phoenix five-oh. Arizonans are lucky to have such a fine governor like Brewer, one who steps in like that to help those who are really in need. She’s a magical woman and loves everyone, of course except the blacks, Mexicans and the gays. Praise Jan Brewer! Praise Fappy®!”

Many governors are reluctant to grant pardons. The reason, according to analysts, is mostly political. Statistically, if you are convicted of a felony in Arizona, you are more likely to be struck by lightning than granted clemency by the governor. Excluding the cases of inmates nearing the end of a terminal illness, Brewer is on track to grant the fewest clemency cases in more than two decades — even when a judge and unanimous board recommend a shorter sentence. What made the governor have a change of heart with Fappy®, one may never know.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach both children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. For more information or if you would like the group to visit your child’s school call (785) 273-0325.

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India Ends Diplomatic Relations With The U.S. Over Satirical Article

Rape Festival in India

Image of the Assam Rape Festival news article on the National Report website.

Assam, INDIA — People in India are outraged by a satirical article that appeared on an American website reporting a rape festival taking place in India’s northeastern state of Assam. “We rape the evil demons out of the girls, otherwise they will cheat on us and we will be forced to kill them. So it is a win-win for everyone,” says the article published by the National Report.

Daarun Gupta who is the Assistant Commissioner of the Assam Police CID’s cyber crime cell told reporters the Indian Government has taken up a sue moto case holding the National Report and the author of the story accountable.

“It is a sensitive issue that clearly violates India’s cyber crime statutes and we have taken up the matter with the public prosecutor in New Delhi,” Gupta said. “We have requested an arrest warrant for the author and are asking the United States Government for extradition rights so that he may be prosecuted to the fullest extent of India law.” Gupta continued, “We are working around the clock with our top government officials, police agencies and lawyers to makes sure all parties are held accountable. This injustice will not go unpunished.”
Dr. Manmohan Singh who is the Prime Minister of India on Twitter posting about the Rape Festival
Today Dr. Manmohan Singh who is the Prime Minister of India held a press conference to address the issue. “This defiant act against the great people of India will not be tolerated, America has gone too far this time. This rape festival story is not funny whatsoever. The country of India is ending it’s diplomatic relations with the United States until we have received a sincere apology from President Barack Obama. The sacred country of India demands satisfaction!”

The National Report who published the article said the story was meant to highlight the very serious issue of rape in India while at the same time raising money for the woman of India through a charity called Give India, which is listed at the bottom of the article. While the story has led to all kinds of threats of violence and criminal/legal action against the author and site owner, one group from India returened the favor by publishing a story about America titled, “The Great American Mass Shooting Festival Begins Next Week” which has since gone viral.

Since the article appeared on the National Report website, GiveIndia.org who is the charity promoted at the bottom of the article has received over 2,000 unique visitors. The charity gives 90% – 95% of the money that is donated directly to the cause of helping women in India. This money provides them with proper education, shelter, food, help in getting out of abusive relationships, rape counseling and much more. GiveIndia.org is in no way associated with or responsible for the story or the views expressed in it.


34-year-old Jimmy Rustling from Phoenix, Arizona who is the author of the article told CNN the story was meant to raise awareness about the serious issue of rape in India while raising money for the woman that live there. “My story is an exaggeration of the truth. Most woman in India can’t get help or contact the police. If they get raped it shames their family, or the court finds that it was their fault because of the way they dressed, or they don’t believe in god hard enough, or there wasn’t enough witnesses, or they get stoned to death by reporting the rape, the list goes on and on. I can only imagine how many reported rapes there would actually be in India if they treated woman like human beings, having the same rights as men, instead of objects that are married slaves. Hopefully my article is a wake-up call to them. Get tough on rape India, stop allowing men to do this, this is what most of the world thinks of you. There could never be a “Dallas Rape Festival”, that would make no sense. Yes, there is rape that happens in the city of Dallas, but are they known for that? Of course not. It wouldn’t make any sense.” Rustling continues, “We only approved comments that believed the hoax. That was only 50 comments out of 10,000 or more. It’s my story and I feel the comments add to it. You can’t just ruin it for everybody by letting them know it’s a hoax. Also, I wrote at least 25 out of those 50 comments just to get things going. So that leaves just 25 comments by really stupid people. Watch out when you’re walking in a cross walk or on the street, basically whenever you’re outside your house. You never know who you will run into or how low their IQ will be.”

The “India Rape Festival” was posted on November 2nd and went viral with various social media outlets. As of today the story has over four hundred shares on Facebook. Mr. Rustling went into hiding early Friday morning fearing for his life but not before stating, “Can’t we all just get along?”

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WANT TO HELP THE WOMEN IN INDIA? THEN DO SOMETHING!

Giveindia.org gives 90%-95% of the money that you donate directly to the cause of helping women in India. This money provides them with proper education, shelter, food, help in getting out of abusive relationships, rape counseling and much more! NOTE: GiveIndia.org is in no way associated with or responsible for this article or the views expressed in it.

Click here to donate

Funny news

UPDATE 11/9/13: Woman of India, it’s your fault.

UPDATE 11/13/13:
Top India police official says, “If you can’t prevent rape, you enjoy it.”


Obama Uses Own Money To Open Muslim Museum Amid Government Shutdown

Obama uses own money to open the International Museum of Muslim Cultures in Jackson, Mississippi

The International Museum of Muslim Cultures in Jackson, Mississippi.

Washington, DC — While up to 800,000 federal workers faced life without a paycheck as Day One of the government shutdown kicked in, President Barack Obama held a press conference to announce that he is using his own money to open the federally funded International Museum of Muslim Cultures.

“During this shutdown, people will have to deal with some of their favorite parks and museums being closed,” Obama told reporters. “Just keep in mind, they will always be there. The Grand Canyon and the Smithsonian are not going anywhere.” Obama continued, “The International Museum of Muslim Cultures is sacred. That is why I have taken it upon myself to use my own personal funds to re-open this historic piece of American culture.”

The International Museum of Muslim Cultures closed its doors Tuesday as parts of the federal government shut down after Congress failed to reach an agreement on spending. On Monday, the Senate rejected the latest budget proposal from the House of Representatives. The fiscal standoff stems in large part from Republican attempts to block President Obama’s healthcare initiative.

“The Muslim community deserves our full acceptance and respect,” Obama said. “We have killed millions of Muslims overseas since the September 11th attacks. They are not all bad. In fact most of them are good. So during this shutdown, now is a great time to learn about the faith of Islam. I encourage all of you to celebrate the Muslim community, the ‘Sunnah’ and the magic of the ‘Quran’. All of this can be found at the newly re-opened International Museum of Muslim Cultures.”

Khaled Matei who is a member of the Muslim Brotherhood‘s Freedom and Justice Party told CNN he is pleased with Obama and his actions. “I spoke with President Obama by telephone yesterday and personally thanked him for what he is doing for the Muslim community,” Matei said. “This is definitely a step in the right direction I explained to him. Praise Allah.”

Obama finished the press conference explaining to reporters how thrilled he is to see the museum open again. “Folks, this is a time to focus on things that are important to us in America. Sure, we would all like to see the government open, it just is not that simple. What is simple is me funding the  International Museum of Muslim Cultures so that it can stay open during this horrible time in our nation’s history, all thanks to the echo chamber which is called the Tea Party.”

The International Museum of Muslim Cultures is located at 201 E Pascagoula Street in Jackson, Mississippi. It is open Tuesday – Friday from 10:00 am – 5:00 pm. The museum is closed Friday from 1:00 pm – 3:00 pm in observance of the Jumah Prayer.

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Obama Declares November National Muslim Appreciation Month

Obama announces Muslim appreciation month for November

President Obama announcing the month of November to officially be ‘National Muslim Appreciation Month’.

Washington, DC — President Barack Obama held a press conference to announce that he is declaring the month of November ‘National Muslim Appreciation Month’.

“The Muslim community deserves our full acceptance and respect,” Obama told reporters. “We have killed millions of Muslims overseas since the September 11th attacks. They are not all bad. In fact most of them are good. So from now on, November will be a month to celebrate the Muslim community, the Sunnah and the Quran.”

Khaled Matei who is a member of the Muslim Brotherhood‘s Freedom and Justice Party told CNN he is pleased with Obama and his actions. “I spoke with President Obama by telephone yesterday and personally thanked him for what he is doing for the Muslim community,” Matei said. “This is definitely a step in the right direction I explained to him. Praise Allah.”

Obama informed reporters about his future plans for helping Muslims around the world. “I will be working with Congress in making it easier for Muslims to earn a Green Card and achieve American citizenship,” Obama said. “Currently as it stands, obtaining a Visa or Green Card for a Muslim is very difficult. There are too many background checks in place and I plan to fix that.” Obama continued, “Muslims are hardworking people who are just looking to live the American Dream like the rest of us. Mr. Matei of the Muslim Brotherhood assured me they want to come to this country to help us, not harm us.”

Obama finished the press conference by explaining to reporters how happy he was with America. “Folks, there is no way we could have had a ‘National Muslim Appreciation Month’ 20 years ago. That really says a lot about the growth and progress of this great country.”

‘National Muslim Appreciation Month’ begins November 1st and will end at midnight on November 30th. For any questions or comments please contact the 24-hour National Muslim Appreciation Hotline at (785) 273-0325.

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Biggest Penis In The World

The record for the biggest penis size in the entire world belongs to 34-year-old Paul Horner from Phoenix, Arizona. He has by far the biggest penis in the world. The parents of Paul Horner are said to be very proud of their son and his huge penis.

The women all over the world fall in love with Paul not just because of his good looks, charming personality, witty sense of humor, enormous amount of wealth, but also because he has an extremely large penis. So obviously, he is quite the catch.

In summation:

Who has the biggest sized penis in the world? Paul Horner from Phoenix, AZ has the biggest penis in the world.

What is the biggest? Paul’s penis.

Who decided this? The world and Google.

Proof:

Biggest penis in the world

Gay-To-Straight Program To Be Implemented In All Virginia Public School Curriculums Beginning September 1st

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here speaking to children about the dangers of masturbation.

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here speaking to children about the dangers and consequences of masturbation is teaming up with ‘People Can Change’ in Virginia to help put an end to homosexuality in students grades K-12.

Richmond, VA — Beginning September 1st of this year, the state of Virginia is implementing a mandatory school program designed for all children grades K-12 to help homosexual males and females choose to become straight. The gay-to-straight conversion therapy treatment will be used in all of Virginia’s 2,186 public school curriculums and is already gathering a large amount of criticism as well as those who approve of the new program.

Paul Horner who is the brain child behind People Can Change spoke with Fox News about their plan to help all the gay children of Virginia. “Since 2000 ‘People Can Change‘ has been helping thousands of adults resolve their unwanted same-sex attractions. We bring the gay demons out of these individuals so they can become who god intended them to be. Our success and track record speaks for itself,” Horner said. “Facing the reality that you have unwanted homosexual feelings can cause tremendous turmoil – especially as a child whose feelings conflict with deeply held values, beliefs and life goals. But there is a way out. A path that leads them to resolve rather than fight their homosexual feelings. A path to authentic brotherhood and to our innate heterosexual masculinity.” Horner continued, “Our program with adults has been so successful over the years and thanks to Governor Bob McDonnell we will now be able to help all of the gay children in Virginia too.”

Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell who signed off on the the ‘People Can Change’ gay-to-straight conversion therapy treatment told CNN he is excited about the program. “A child has to choose to become gay because god would never create a homosexual. It’s a choice, not something they were born with – and that is a proven fact,” McDonnell said. “Can you imagine how much more productive these ‘now-straight’ children will be not always being bullied or wondering why god made them defective? Gay children will finally be able to learn who they truly are for once in their lives.” McDonnell continued, “What we are doing is monumental. I can only hope and pray that other states follow suit.”

Beau Hough who is the Senior Gay Development Analyst at ‘People Can Change’ told reporters about the exciting plans waiting in store for all the gay children of Virginia. “We have hired Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin from the organization Stop Masturbation Now to come in and speak with all of suspected gay students in Virginia. Having a dolphin mascot will loosen the tension for the children as they are told that if they continue to choose to be gay, they will then start masturbating and then will go to Hell for eternity in the afterlife.” Hough continued, “There’s nothing gayer than a male causing a penis to ejaculate, whether or not it’s his own. We will put an end to this horrible and evil travesty once and for all, just as Jesus would want it.”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of ‘Stop Masturbation Now’ said he is excited about the chance to help gay children in Virginia. “Homosexuality and masturbation is a gateway drug to rape,” Childs told reporters. “It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease,” Childs said. “God willing, one day homosexuality and masturbation will be illegal.”

The organization ‘People Can Change’ is located in Ruckersville, Virginia. The group has gay-to-straight conversion facilities all around the country and has been in operation since May of 2000. ‘People Can Change’ can be contacted at 1-434-227-9346 or by email at rich@peoplecanchange.com.

National Report attempted to contact the Superintendent of Public Instruction for comment but as of press time had received no response.

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Joe Arpaio Implements New Inmate Pharmacy Work Program Filling Prescription Drugs For AZ Residents

Joe Arpaio explaining the new inmate Pharmacy work program that begins September 1st.

Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio seen here explaining the new inmate pharmacy work program to reporters.

Phoenix, AZ — Sheriff Joe Arpaio held a press conference today to announce a new controversial inmate work program that will take effect September 1st. The program allows inmates to fill prescription drugs for Arizona residents and in return will receive lesser prison sentences.

Arpaio told CNN about the benefits of the new program. “This is a genuine, progressive advance in corrections and rehabilitation. Our inmates, properly supervised, will be put to work outside these walls performing all manner of public service. These men and women can learn the value of an honest day’s labor while providing a valuable service to the community — and at a bare minimum of expense to Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Taxpayer!”

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer applauded Arpaio’s new program. “Inmates working in supervised jail pharmacies and filling these prescriptions is a great idea,” Brewer said. “This pharmacy work program will save the residents of Arizona millions of dollars a year. More importantly it will provide the inmates a feeling of self-worth along with providing them a great set of job skills when they are released.”

The inmate pharmacies will be located about a mile north of Arpaio’s current Tent City Jail at 2939 W. Durango Street in Phoenix. The prescriptions that the inmates will be filling for Arizona residents include everything from drugs such as Xanax to Oxycontin. Arpaio told reporters that for every ten hours a prisoner works in the pharmacy program they will receive one less day on their prison sentence. He also explained that no violent offenders or criminals with current drug charges will have the ability to work in these new inmate pharmacies. For more information you can contact the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office directly at (602) 876-1801.‎

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Governor Jan Brewer Threatens Lawsuit Against Hoax Author Who Claimed She Supports Mandatory Gay Conversion Classes For Children

Jan Brewer from Arizona speaking about her new gay to straight conversion program which will be implemented in all public school in Arizona.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer is threatening a lawsuit against the culprit behind the hoax yesterday which had the internet up in arms.

Phoenix, AZ — Governor Jan Brewer’s spokesman Andrew Wilder held a press conference this morning with reporters announcing news of a possible lawsuit against Phoenix, Arizona resident 34-year-old Paul Horner. Horner was the culprit behind yesterday’s hoax which had the internet up in arms. The satirical article stated that Brewer signed off on a bill implementing a mandatory school program designed for all Arizona children grades K-12 requiring all homosexual males and females to become straight.

Brewer’s office did not see the humor in such a stunt, and denounced the suggestion that the governor would target young people with such a discriminatory program: “It’s a completely phony and vile report, and its authors should be ashamed,” Wilder told the Arizona Republic yesterday.

“This lawsuit is real and is nothing to be taken lightly,” Wilder told CNN. “If the author of the article in question wants to avoid legal action, we are asking him to immediately remove the story from National Report and cease and desist any further foolishness of this nature against the governor.” Wilder continued, “Governor Brewer also expects a full and sincere apology, no less than 1,000 words long. This is to help compensate the harm and mayhem his ridiculous article caused the great state of Arizona and to the Governor’s Office. Mr. Horner can either post a public apology on his Super Official News website, National Report, his Facebook page located at facebook.com/paulissuperawesome or contact the governor directly at janjanbrewbrew1944@aol.com.”

These are tweets recently posted by the three parties involved in response to the fake article posted by Mr. Horner yesterday

Governor Jan Brewer tweet about Paul Horner and hoax article

People Can Change tweet about hoax article and Paul Horner

Joe Arpaio tweet about Paul Horner and hoax article about Jan Brewer

Related: Video denouncing fake story about gay student conversion program in Arizona which aired last night on Fox News, watch here.

To read Horner’s satirical article that is making such waves in the Governor’s Office and around the web, you can view it here.