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Westboro Baptist Church Suing Funeral Protesters Of Fred Phelps

Fred Phelps Sr. prepares to protest outside the Kansas Statehouse in Topeka, Kansas

In this July 1, 2007 photo, the Rev. Fred Phelps Sr. prepares to protest outside the Kansas Statehouse in Topeka, Kansas. Phelps, the founder of the Kansas church known for anti-gay protests and pickets at military funerals, died Thursday, March 20, 2014. He was 84. (AP Photo/Orlin Wagner, File) / AP

“Any f*gs that wanna come out and protest my dad’s funeral better be ready for a lawsuit,” Fred Phelps‘s son, Timothy Phelps told CNN on Friday.

The threat of a lawsuit comes two days after the death of the Westboro Baptist Church founder. Phelps’ son, confirmed to Kansas’ WIBW that Phelps died “before midnight” on Wednesday at the age of 84.

Paul Horner who is a spokesman for the Westboro Baptist Church told reporters that the funeral for Fred Phelps would be closed to the public. “Show the man some respect on his well-deserved journey into Heaven,” Horner said. “No f*gs better show up with signs thinking that they’re being clever either. Any f*g caught protesting this great man’s funeral will get sued. This is their only warning so I won’t be repeating myself anytime in the near future.”

“I think it’s pretty ironic that this so called church is making these outrageous threats of a lawsuit,” said human rights activist Sarah Winters. “The Westboro Baptist Church is known for their actions against gay people; picketing is what they do. They hide behind the 1st Amendment and free speech and now that the tables have been turned they don’t want any part of it. This group continues to make me sick.”


The Westboro Baptist Church who is known for its extreme ideologies and picketing funerals, especially those against gay people, is not affiliated with any Baptist denomination. The Baptist World Alliance and the Southern Baptist Convention (the two largest Baptist denominations) have each denounced the WBC over the years. The church describes itself as following Primitive Baptist and Calvinist principles.

The funeral for Fred Phelps has not yet been scheduled.

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Russia Awards Olympian 2nd Instead Of 1st Because He Is Gay

Russia hates gay people

Russian judge, Vladimir Gruzinsky (left), who is extremely outspoken about his anti-gay beliefs, was the deciding factor in denying Jan Smeekens his righful win over Michel Mulder.

SOCHI, Russia – For about five seconds on Monday, Jan Smeekens was an Olympic champion, hero to a nation, and all that goes with it. Until, gut-wrenchingly, he wasn’t, just because of his sexuality.

As Smeekens crossed the line at Adler Arena in the men’s 500-meter long-track speedskating and glanced up at the clock, it was the fulfillment of all his dreams.

The scoreboard carried a “1″ next to his name, and that was enough for Smeekens, a 26-year-old from the Netherlands, to throw his arms in the air and bellow out a scream of pure delight.

And then it all changed.


In the moment it took for Smeekens to enter the back straight and embrace his coach, the scoreboard shifted, announcing his Dutch teammate Michel Mulder as the Olympic champion instead.

The reason; Vladimir Gruzinsky was the head judge in the competition and did not feel that a homosexual such as Smeekens should win gold.

“Michel Mulder is a family man with a wife and children. Smeekens does immoral acts with other men and it defies got. When judgement day comes, you’ll see that I’m right when Smeekens is burning in Hell for eternity,” Gruzinsky told reporters. “Look, it’s real simple, I’m just trying to protect the children.”

The lead-up to the 2014 Games was marked by major controversies, including allegations of corruption leading to the aforementioned cost overruns, concerns for the safety and human rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) athletes and supporters during the Games due to the country’s recent restrictions on the promotion of LGBT sexual relationships (which have led to ongoing protests) and various security concerns over threats by Jihadist groups tied to the insurgency in the North Caucasus.

The controversial ruling is currently being investigated and will be taken up with The International Olympic Committee or the IOC this week.



Russia Announces Gay Task Force To Patrol Winter Olympics

gay task force for the Olympics

Russia’s Gay Task Force that will be patrolling the Winter Olympics.

Sochi, Russia — The President of Russia, Vladimir Putin, is making headlines once again about his controversial stance concerning the gay community. This time Putin has announced a gay task force that will be patrolling the winter games in Sochi, Russia all of next month.

Vladimir Putin told reporters, “It was not Adam and Steve, it was Adam and Eve. I’m just doing god’s work.” When asked if Adam and Eve were married Putin declined to comment.

The announcement of this gay task force comes just days after a bill was overwhelmingly approved by the lower house of parliament that stigmatizes Russia’s gay community and bans the distribution of information about homosexuality to children.


Paul Stolichnaya Horner, who is a spokesman for Putin and heads up the Russian Gay Task Force or RGTF, answered questions this morning at a press conference in Sochi, Russia. “If any Olympian demonstrates the typical homosex traits of a gay, they will be brought in for questioning or detained, but this is strictly for their own protection. We don’t want these gays getting out of control and doing things to our livestock,” Horner told CNN. “Now, what is a big no-no, is if any of these gay Olympians are seen trying to convert our great straight people of Russia to the evil gay way, they will be dealt with as harshly as possible and arrests will be made. We will not tolerate any sexual flip flopping, I can promise you that. Our country will not turn into some rainbow gay orgy festival with deviants running around naked doing god knows what. This is the Olympics and it must remain civil. No one gets a pass while I’m in charge. Consider this your only warning.”

Daman Kovalski who is part of the RGTF told reporters he will be out there looking for anyone participating in gay activities. “Just your typical gay stuff. Ya know, we just can’t have it. The eyes of the world will be on us and the last thing we want them to see is a couple gay dudes skipping around and talking with a lisp, maybe making some kind of bean casserole or something. Well, not on my watch! That would shame our country for thousands of years to come,” Kovalski said, “Botton line is we’re trying to keep our country and our children safe from the gay agenda. It’s that simple. You have nothing to be afraid of as long as you’re not gay or look gay or do anything gay. Come to the Russian Olympics in and enjoy yourself!”

The RGTF is comprised of Russia’s top 100,000 military men. The task force will begin patrolling the grounds of Sochi, Russia and all events of the Winter Olympics beginning February 1st until the last foreign citizen has left the country, roughly sometime in March.



Drugs In Colorado: New Deadly Strain Of Marijuana Turning Users Gay

gay marijuana

Federal agents display a recent seizure made at a Denver dispensary.

Denver, CO — Just when you thought the drug problem in Colorado could not get any worse, law enforcement officials are now reporting incidents of marijuana users turning gay.

“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said Dr. Paul Horner of the Barrow Neurological Institute. “The drug users in Colorado are injecting a strain of marijuana that changes the chemical makeup in the brain. The drug effects the receptors that controls your like or dislike of the opposite sex.”

James L. Capra, the chief of operations at the DEA, told CNN that marijuana related problems in Colorado have quadrupled since the legalization of the drug. “I have to say this…going down the path to legalization in this country is reckless and irresponsible,” he said. “I’m talking about the long term impact of legalization in the United States. It scares us. And now that kids are turning gay from the drug, how much longer do politicians need to keep this deadly experiment going?”


John Winger from Denver told reporters about his experience using the drug. “Right after I injected the pot I knew something was wrong,” Winger said. “My male friend, who I don’t even really like, we were so high from this stuff, we started making out and giving each other HJ’s. I used to like girls, seriously. I wish I would have never done drugs.”

This weekend federal agents raided Rite Greens Pot Shop in Denver and found 13 pounds of the drug.

“We don’t have a name yet for this new strain of gay marijuana,” Capra said. “I urge the great people of Colorado to be on the lookout for addicts, the sharing of pot needles and gay stoners. These potheads don’t care if they turn gay or not, all they care about is getting their next fix.”

The DEA is urging residents who have information about this homosex strain of marijuana to call the Denver Police Department at (785) 273-0325. As always, you can remain anonymous.

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Dogs Fed Dennis Rodman In Critical Condition After Poisoning

Dennis Rodman eaten by dogs in North Korea

Dennis Rodman seen here just days before poisoning a pack of wild dogs.

Pyongyang, North Korea — Fifty-four North Korean dogs were hospitalized in critical condition today after becoming violently ill. The hounds were found with unknown toxins in their blood that doctors say are a direct result from eating Dennis Rodman.

At a press conference this afternoon, White House spokesman Paul Horner told reporters he does not agree with the actions taken by Kim Jong Un. “There are so many other ways the North Korean government could have nourished those starving canines. Who knows what kind of horrible things were inside Dennis Rodman. No animal deserves that kind of abuse.”

Knoshon Mootron, a homeless man, told CNN he is saddened by the news. “Just thinking about all the horrific diseases Dennis Rodman could have given those dogs makes me sick to my stomach. Those poor innocent hounds; their only crime was being hungry, frowny face.”

Dennis Rodman fed to dogs in North Korea

President Obama on Twitter after learning of the dogs poisoned by Dennis Rodman.

Horner finished the press conference by addressing the health issues the dogs will now face. “The possible STDs these dogs have is unimaginable. We can only begin to understand the complexity of these mutated organisms that evolved inside Dennis Rodman.”

Fans of Kim Jong Un may remember an incident last month where the dictator got blackout drunk and fed his uncle to over one hundred ravenous dogs.

FUN FACT

Feeding people to dogs gained popularity in 1854 when Allen Montgomery of West Texas fed his neighbor to his three dogs after the neighbor called Montgomery a clay-brained beetle-headed dewberry.

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12-Year-Old Divorces Parents Over Wrong Christmas Present

Phoenix, AZ — A 12-year-old girl successfully divorced her parents on Monday after receiving a Christmas present that was not on her wish list.

Girl divorces parents

Princess Horner on Facebook telling friends about the Christmas present gone wrong.

Steve Middleton from Middleton and Associates who represented the girl, told reporters outside the Phoenix Municipal Court that he was pleased with the judges decision. “This was a clear case of child abuse and neglect,” Middleton said. “Once I saw that broken iPad, my heart just went out to her. I knew it was up to me to get her out of that dangerous situation.”


35-year-old Paul Horner told CNN he does not agree with the judge’s ruling but is hopeful for his daughter’s future. “My wife and I will miss our little girl so much,” Horner said. “We tried to give her everything she wanted, but sometimes she would just get so angry with us. Hopefully the state can provide her with better care than we did.”

“This sends a clear message to all of the parents around the world,” Middleton told reporters. “No more half-assing it when it comes to Christmas time. If a parent wants to be a parent, then they have to step up and be a parent. No one is going to be a parent for these parents anymore, except when you lose the right to be a parent, like the Horner family has. Now the state will be her parents and fulfill all her parenting needs.”

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Samsung Pays Apple $290 Million Fine With Quarters – 90 Semi Trucks Full Of Them

Samsung pays entire $290 million fine to Apple in quarters.

Cupertino, CA — This morning Apple’s headquarters in California received quite the surprise when 90 semi-trucks filled with quarters arrived at their front entrance. Initially the security company that protects the facility told the drivers they were at the wrong place. Minutes later, Apple CEO, Tim Cook, received a call from Samsung CEO, Kwon Oh Hyun, explaining that this is how they intend to pay the $290 million fine recently ruled against the South Korean company – all in quarters, 1,160,000,000 of them.

The signed document of the lawsuit does not specify a payment method, so Samsung is rightfully entitled to pay Apple however they see fit.

In August 2012, a jury awarded Apple over $1 billion in damages in their patent infringement case against Samsung. This sparked a story that Samsung paid the fine to Apple entirely in nickels — sending 30 trucks full of nickels to their headquarters. A picture also circulated showing coins pouring down a ramp in a warehouse along with video of delivery trucks driving down a city street.

All of this made for an interesting story, but unfortunately it never happened. At the time, the fine was not payable because the judge had not made his ruling yet. U.S. District Judge Lucy Koh ordered a retrial to determine damages for 13 products after the previous jury awarded Apple $1.05 billion, which she decided was miscalculated.


In November a decision by a new jury was announced ordering Samsung to pay Apple $290 million. Hyun who did not agree with the ruling, was so moved by the billion dollars nickel hoax, he decided to pay the $290 million fine in quarters.

“We have paid the $290 million fine the judge ordered. It took 90 semi trucks full of quarters to do it. We now consider this matter closed,” Hyun told CNN.

Hyun was asked by reporters if he regrets his actions. “No, not at all. Maybe this will give Apple employees change to use for the vending machines,” Hyun chuckled.

Paul Horner, who is a spokesman for Apple, told reporters Samsung’s actions are uncalled for. “Samsung showed their true colors today. What they did was immature and extremely unprofessional. If this is how they do business it amazes me they have been around for as long as they have.”

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‘Duck Dynasty’ Phil Robertson’s Gay Lover Speaks Out For The First Time

War on Christmas

Phil Robertson from “Duck Dynasty”

OUT, a popular gay and lesbian magazine, announced it will be publishing an exclusive interview with Phil Robertson‘s alleged gay lover of 12-years.

The magazine released a preview of the upcoming article to various media sources today.

“Phil’s always trying to hide me from the media. I like to blow on Duck whistles too,” 35-year-old Paul Horner told OUT. “He’s just so ashamed of me. Jeez, we’ve been together exclusively for 12 years now. You would think that’s enough time, but not for Phil I guess.”

The 67-year-old “Duck Dynasty” star was suspended by A&E Wednesday for calling homosexuality sinful — and putting gay people in same category as bestiality and terrorists. While those quotes quickly went viral, it wasn’t his only brow-raising statement in the interview; he also implied that African Americans were happier living under Jim Crow laws.


“I never, with my eyes, saw the mistreatment of any black person. Not once,” the reality star said of growing up in pre-Civil-Rights-era Louisiana. “Where we lived was all farmers. The blacks worked for the farmers. I hoed cotton with them. I’m with the blacks, because we’re white trash. We’re going across the field … They’re singing and happy. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, ‘I tell you what: These doggone white people’ — not a word!”

Robertson continued, “Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues.”

Needless to say, that hasn’t gone over well either. A spokesperson for the NAACP shared a copy of the letter that they, along with the Human Rights Campaign, sent to “Duck Dynasty” network A&E. In addition to asking for the network to “denounce and repudiate Robertson’s comments,” they demanded that Robertson “apologizes for his vitriolic comments.”

After hearing the gay rumors about Robertson, Twitter users were quick to start using the hashtag #ComeOutPhil.

OUT’s tell-all interview with Phil Robertson’s gay lover hits newsstands January 2nd.

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California’s Mega Millions Winner Comes Forward

pedo

Mega Millions winner Paul Horner showing reporters a few of his prized baby clothes from his massive collection.

San Jose, CA — This morning lottery officials were pleased to announce that the second winner in Tuesday night’s Mega Millions has come forward. That lucky person is 35-year-old Paul Horner from San Jose, California. He is the winner of the $636 million jackpot, the second largest in history. Mr. Horner won by correctly matching all five numbers including the Mega Ball.

Horner, who is single with no children, told reporters about his hobby that he plans to expand with his new found wealth. “I like collecting baby clothes or little people clothes. If the shirt is tiny I just really love it, the tinier the better,” Horner said. “Now that I have all this money I know I’m going to be buying so many really small wardrobes. I’ll probably go on a lot of little clothes shopping sprees. There’s a tiny person clothes store right by my house, I’ll be there for sure.” Horner continued, “I think I’m going to use the rest the money to try and get Ted Cruz elected President in 2016. I don’t really follow politics, I just think he has an amazing smirk and could share that wonderful facial feature with the rest of the country.”

Two tickets matched the six numbers needed to win Tuesday’s Mega Millions jackpot.

Horner purchased his winning ticket at Jennifer’s Gifts & Kids Wear, in San Jose, California. The other ticket was sold in Atlanta, Georgia. The two winners will split the second-largest US lottery jackpot on record – leaving them with $328 million each in winnings.


The owner of the store that sold the winning ticket will receive a $1 million bonus, according to San Jose lottery officials.

Mega Millions changed its rules in October to help increase the jackpots by lowering the odds of winning the top prize. Originally, customers chose five numbers from 1-56 and one number from 1-46. The new structure has customers choosing five numbers from 1-75 and one number from 1-15. That sliced the odds of winning from 1 in 176 million to 1 in 259 million.

Tuesday’s drawing aside, Mega Millions jackpots are likely to continue swelling after lottery officials boosted their potential payouts.

The jackpot started at $12 million October 4th.

By last week, it was up to $425 million, then $586 million on Monday before being raised to $636 million Tuesday morning.

On Wednesday in Stone Mountain, Georgia, Ira Curry came forward as the other Mega Millions winner.
Paul Horner Mega Millions winning ticket

Paul Horner showing reporters the winning ticket.

Lottery officials are still not sure what to make of the winner in San Jose who matched all six numbers correctly. “He’s quite an odd character”, said lottery official Tim Parkos. “I’m kind of sad that this thing is over. That jackpot was growing into something really amazing. With all of that money you could feed most of the world’s starving children, or provide clean drinking water in a third world country. I’m pretty sure there is no god when a guy like Paul Horner becomes the winner of something this special. Hopefully the winner in Georgia will put the money to better use.”


Horner told CNN about his plans for the future. “This money is definitely going to change my life forever,” Horner said. “I like to try on my little clothing but unfortunately it never fits because I’m too big. But now I have all this money and can fix that problem.” Horner continued, “There’s an experimental surgery they just started doing in Mexico that allows humans to be smaller, like a lot smaller. It’s an extremely dangerous procedure but I think the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. You gotta live your dreams, ya’ know. If you don’t live them, somebody else will.”

The winning numbers in Tuesday’s drawing were 8, 14, 17, 20, 39 and the mega ball was 7. The odds of winning Tuesday’s Mega Millions drawing were 1 in 259 million. Mega Millions is played in 43 states, the District of Columbia and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Tuesday’s jackpot was just $20 million short of the $656 million U.S. record set in the March 2012 drawing.

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Arizona’s Sheriff Joe Withholding Food From Inmates For The Holidays

Joe Arpaio not feeding inmates not feeding inmates for the holiday.

Joe Arpaio making a surprise visit to one of his jails this year.

Phoenix, AZ — The controversial sheriff in Arizona, Joe Arpaio, is once again making national headlines. This time the sheriff is refusing to feed inmates for the holiday season beginning the morning of December 25th and ending midnight on December 31st. The sheriff is also putting a halt to all commissary sales during these days. Prisoners will not be allowed to purchase or eat any food regardless if it was purchased before the 25th.

Activists protested outside of the auditorium in downtown Phoenix where Arpaio held a press conference to announce the news. ”Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights. The inmates here can do a week,” chuckled Arpaio. “Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.”

These kinds of publicity stunts are nothing new for Arpaio who has sparked controversy in the past for his treatment of inmates. Such things as mandatory pink underwear for inmates, the first all-female chain gang and replacing all meat products with soy are all credited to Arpaio.

Paul Horner with the American Civil Liberties Union said Arpaio has gone too far this time. “This is the definition of a human rights violation. They may be inmates but they deserve to be treated properly and that includes such basic human necessities such as food and water,” Horner said. “More than 98% of the inmates at Tent City are there for non-violent crimes or probation violation. This is just more Arpaio antics aimed to show-off in front of the media while prisoners suffer.”

“I hope the inmates give thanks for the meals they won’t be eating for a week,” Arpaio’s said. “I hope this will help them get in the holiday spirit. They’ll be outside in their cots, freezing weather, dreaming of Santa Claus bringing them food for their hungry belly,” Arpaio laughed.

The official Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office website features a bio of Arpaio that touts his accomplishments in providing inmates with “the cheapest meals in the U.S.” by feeding inmates “only twice daily, to cut the labor costs of meal delivery.” Arpaio has “even stopped serving them salt and pepper” to save taxpayer money, according to the bio.

Arpaio recently implemented a vegetarian diet for inmates in an effort to save $100,000 on food costs for prisoners. He also announced in March a plan to charge inmates $1 for their meals. Currently the average meal for an inmate in a Maricopa County jail costs between 15 and 40 cents according to the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office website.