My First Love

I was in love with my 8th grade English teacher. The best part of my day was attending her class. She was 27, I was 14. She had long legs, beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes. She was smart and funny, she was everything I wanted in a woman.

I would flirt with her all the time, and it seemed like she would flirt with me too. I knew she was too old for me and it was illegal and she was my hot teacher, but all of this made it even better. I wanted to go out with her, on a date or something. I thought, what’s the worst that could happen if I asked her out. So one day I decided to stay after class. I went up to her disk and said, “Ms. Summers, I don’t want this to come off as weird or anything, but I really like you. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime, maybe go to the movies or something?” And  she said yes. I was so excited, I couldn’t contain myself. I was going to go on a date with the hot, older teacher of mine!

We planned that she would pick me up on Friday at 6pm. She made me swear not to tell anyone. I promised, but I wanted to so bad. I know my friends would give me so many points for going on a date with the teacher, but I kept my word and didn’t say a thing. So Friday night comes around. I tell her to park a block away from my house so no one sees. She’s there exactly at 6pm to pick me up. I tell my parents that I’m going to a friends house, probably staying the night. Anyway, I get in the car and immediately she gives me a kiss, on the lips. She then says, “What do you want to do?” I didn’t know, so I just said, “We could go to the drive in theater that is a couple miles from here.” She agrees.

We get to the open field where the movie was playing. I don’t even remember what movie it was, I think John Candy was in it. So it’s just her and I all alone in the car. Suddenly my stomach starts feeling weird. I’m ready to tell her that I need to go the bathroom but just as I’m about to, she says she needs to go. So I say, “No problem babe, I’ll wait for ya.” She kisses me again and then leaves. Well she is gone for over 20 minutes and during that time, I just couldn’t hold it anymore. So I grabbed a bag I found in her car, pulled down my pants and did what I had to do. It just kept going and wouldn’t stop, it filled up the entire bag. Then I saw her coming back to the car so I quickly tied up the bag the best I could and put it in the back seat under some clothes she had back there. She gets in the car and immediately starts making out with me. I needed to go the bathroom and clean myself up, but she held me tight and it was pretty awesome so I stayed. We make out for at least an hour. She lets me touch her boobs and everything. She drops me off at my house and says to me as I’m getting out, “Hey stud, we should do this again.” Then she grabs my ass, which is completely soaked by now, and takes off.

The next day at school I come into her class and what do I see? My bag of sh*t, right there on her desk, front and center. She didn’t even say anything about it, she just kept it there for the rest of the year. We still went out a few more times, had sex, but there was always this weird awkwardness between us.

Finally one day, I ended up calling it off with her, and I never saw my bag of sh*t again.

Gay Wedding Mobile Vans Cashing In On The Legalization Of Gay Marriage

Since Friday, when the Supreme court ruled in favor of legalizing gay marriage, entrepreneurs around the world have been figuring out ways to cash in.

Phoenix, Arizona resident, Paul Horner told local news station ABC 15 how he got his business rolling.

“It was actually really simple,” Horner said. “I bought a van, fixed it up and added a sweet rainbow paint job. Then I went online and became an ordained minister, took me just a few minutes. Then I bought some camera equipment, flowers and some ingredients to make wedding cakes with; I’m good to go!”

Paul Horner gay marriage mobile
The Paul Horner Gay Marriage Mobile – Picture courtesy of Dennis System AP

These are interesting times and there is money in the streets. Who will be there to pick it up, I guess that is the question.

Katey Kinkade Is The Most Beautiful Girl In Australia

There is a girl that lives in Australia named Katey Kinkade. She is the most beautiful, funny, clever, creative, intelligent, caring girl that I know.

When Katey Kinkade is not being the most beautiful girl in Australia, she is talking with her Facebook boyfriend Paul Horner. That is a very smart move on her part, but what else would she do in Australia besides being beautiful and catching huge car-size spiders?

If you get a chance to meet the beautiful and charming Katey Kinkade from Australia, I highly recommend it. Though what I do not recommend is living with spiders the size of houses, unless they are beautiful spiders and Katey Kinkade can protect you. She will bash spiders and ride them to America and lease them to amusement parks.

Katey Kinkade is the most beautiful girl in Australia

Katey Kinkade from Australia

Katey Kinkade is beautiful

Katey Kinkade lives in Australia

Katy Kinkade is beautiful

Katey Kinkade likes to paint her face because she is beautiful

Katey Kinkade is the most beautiful girl in Australia

Katey Kinkade beautiful

The most beautiful girl in Australia is Katey Kinkade
Katey Kingade beautiful rapper
This is a signed photo for you player haters out there by non other than Katey Kinkade. This girl is not only the most beautiful female in Australia but also the most amazing rap battle superstar on this planet. I’ve NEVER seen her lose a battle once, not even close, and that is why she is the undefeated world wide rap battle champ 27 years and running. Ladies, give up now and save the tears and embarrassment.

This video is just an example of what happens when Katey Kinkade destroys other rappers who think they can compete with the best, especially sorority girls who think they’re tough. This is your only warning! Best believe that!

 

I hope you enjoyed these beautiful pictures of Katey Kinkade from Perth, Australia. If you are ever thinking of being as beautiful as her, think again. You will just get your feelings hurt and then the huge spiders living in Australia will sense that, and eat you alive.

 

First Gay Marriage To Be Held At The White House

Obama and the Muslim Brotherhood


President Obama, seen here with his brother, Malik Obama from Kenya, is just one member of the Muslim Brotherhood who plans to attend the gay wedding between Michael Sam and Vito Cammisano to be held at the White House. (AP Photo/Michael Kortas)

Washington, DC — In what is being dubbed as the “Wedding Of The Century”, openly-gay football star of the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam and his long-time boyfriend, Vito Cammisano, are to be married at the White House, with President Barack Obama overseeing the Muslim themed event.

At a press conference on Saturday, Obama spoke with reporters about the gay wedding to be held at the White House.

“These are amazing times my friends. I am proud to be part of an era where two grown men can fall in love, and have it accepted by the majority of the American citizens. What better place to join these two men in holy matrimony than the White House,” Obama said. “I am thrilled to be a part of this historic event.”

President Obama has long been a staunch supporter of gay rights, even signing the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act in 2009.


Muhammad El-Sayed, who is a member of the Muslim Brotherhood’s Freedom and Justice Party told CNN that he is pleased with Obama and his actions. “I spoke with President Obama by telephone yesterday after his announcement and personally thanked him for what he is doing. Not just for the Muslim community, but for all non-Christians living in this country”, El-Sayed said. “We need to make this Muslim-themed wedding absolutely amazing, even if it is between two men. Praise Allah.”

Others were not so supportive of the gay wedding to be held at the White House. Michele Bachmann told Fox News, “This is everything that is wrong with America. Our country was founded as a Christian nation, and that’s a fact! The Holy Bible tells us that marriage is between a man and a woman. These people are making a mockery of this sacred, heterosexual union. What’s next, a toaster and a man getting married? A dog and a woman getting married? Giving homosexuals the right to marry is a slippery slope, and Obama should be ashamed of himself. What kind of message does this send to the young people of today?”

Tax payers are also a bit miffed at the wedding expenses, which are expected to be in the millions. All the guests will be put up at local Washington DC five star hotel, The Jefferson and flown in by private jet.


Members of the guest list include, Ellen Degeneres, Neil Patrick Harris, George Clooney, Malik Obama, Paul Horner and leaders from both the Muslim Brotherhood, and LGBTQ groups. Entertainment will be a healthy mix of pop, and traditional Muslim tunes from such acts as Kanye West, Yusuf Islam, Seven 8 Six and Beyonce Knowles.

Obama will serve as the “Maulavi“, which is the Islamic version of an ordained minister. The Commander And Chief will also perform the entire ceremony, called a “Nikaah“, in his native Islamic tongue, and he and his wife, Michelle Obama, will be robed in traditional Muslim clothing.

Sam’s fiance, Vito Cammisano, 23-year-old grandson of late Mafia boss William (Willie the Rat) Cammisano — who reportedly got his name for the way he disposed of bodies — and the son of Gerlarmo Cammisano, 60, who followed in the family’s business and ended up doing prison time for running a Kansas City-based gambling ring, according to records. Vito converted to Islam two years ago, and has since gone onto disassociate himself from his family and their alleged mob-ties.

Sam, who came out during interviews with ESPN and The New York Times in February was selected by the Rams as the 249th overall pick in the 2014 NFL Draft.



Utah City Makes Porn Illegal – 30 Days In Jail For First Offense

Porn banned in St. George, Utah

A sign in front of a restaurant in downtown St. George.

St. George, UT — One city in Utah has decided it has had enough porn in their town and is taking the drastic measure of banning all pornography along with making it a criminal offense. In a unanimous decision by the city council of St. George, Utah, a law was passed making the possession of any pornographic related material in the city limits a crime punishable by 30 days in jail.

Mayor Arthur McDaniel told CNN he is excited about the new law. “It’s time a city steps up and sets a precedent that this disgusting filth that has plagued this great country of ours for generations will no longer be tolerated,” McDaniel said. “Pornography is a defiant act against Jesus and his teachings. The rest of the country can keep their heads in the sand about this smut and corruption to our children, but not the great city of St. George. I can only hope and pray other cities and states follow suit.”

The ban on pornography in St George takes effect November 1st of this year. Sheriff Paul Covington explained to reporters about the criminal implementation of the upcoming ban. “Our police force will be targeting anyone selling, distributing or using pornographic material including but not limited to magazines, toys, movies and of course the internet; basically anything that is porn related. Anyone in violation of this new law will be subject to a jail sentence of no less than 30 days,” Covington said. “We will also be removing certain produce from our grocery stores; we know all the tricks of a sexual deviant.”

48-year-old St. George resident Myron Danus told reporters he does not approve of the ban. “I don’t care if this is a Mormon backwards state or not, this is a free country and I can watch porn if I damn well please,” Danus said. “If I want to watch naked girls, that’s my business. I’ll be the first one down there in front of the courthouse with a Playboy magazine in one hand and tub of Vaseline in the other.”

According to recent porn data usage released by pornhub.com; the average visit duration time of a resident in Utah is a little over ten minutes. The top three porn searches for Utah is ‘compilation’, ‘teen’ and ‘hentai’.

The town of St. George has a population of 75,561 as of the 2012 census and is located in the southwestern part of Utah on the Arizona border. So far state officials in Utah have yet to make a formal statement concerning the ban on pornography.

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Gay-To-Straight Program To Be Used In All Arizona Public School Curriculums Beginning November 1st

Jan Brewer from Arizona speaking about her new gay to straight conversion program which will be implemented in all public school in Arizona.

Governor Jan Brewer from Arizona held a press conference today to speak about her new gay-to-straight conversion program which will be implemented in all Arizona public schools beginning November 1st.

Phoenix, AZ — Beginning November 1st of this year, the state of Arizona is implementing a mandatory school program designed for all children grades K-12 to help homosexual males and women become straight. The controversial conversion therapy will be used in all of Arizona’s 2,325 public school curriculums and is already gathering a large amount of criticism as well as those who approve of the new program.

Paul Horner who is the brain child behind People Can Change spoke with Fox News about their plan to help all the gay children of Arizona. “Since 2000 ‘People Can Change’ has been helping thousands of children resolve their unwanted same-sex attractions. We bring the gay demons out of these individuals so they can become who god intended them to be. Our success and track record speaks for itself,” Horner said. “Facing the reality that you have unwanted homosexual feelings can cause tremendous turmoil – especially as a child whose feelings conflict with deeply held values, beliefs and life goals. But there is a way out. A path that leads them to resolve rather than fight their homosexual feelings. A path to authentic brotherhood and to our innate heterosexual masculinity.”

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer who signed off on the the ‘People Can Change’ program told CNN she is excited about the program. “I think this will be an amazing opportunity for gay children to finally learn who they truly are for once in their lives,” Brewer said. “Can you imagine how much more productive these ‘now-straight’ children will be not always being bullied or wondering why god made them defective? What we have done here today is monumental. I can only hope and pray that other states follow suit.”


Sheriff Joe Arpaio who runs some of the toughest jails and prisons in the country applauds Brewer’s decision. “Less gays in our jails makes for a smoother running prison system. There will be no more prancing around, along with all the other gay activities that homosexuals like to do,” Arpaio said. “More importantly, we as parents can now sleep a little better at night just knowing there will be less gays out there wandering the streets trying to molest our children. I’m excited about this and I know all Arizonans are too.”

Though not everyone from Arizona feels the same way as Brewer and Arpaio. 32-year-old Katherine Morris from Phoenix whose son Daniel is a 12-year-old homosexual said she does not agree with the program. “My son Daniel is one of the nicest boys in the world. He is the most wonderful and loving child you could ever meet in your life. There’s not a problem with him, there is a problem with this conversion therapy,” Morris said. “I urge all Arizonians to fight back before this curriculum takes effect in November. Call your congressman. Call your senator. We still have time to fix this wrong. Tell them we do not want ‘People Can Change’ in our schools! It’s not only a waste of tax payer money but it is fixing something that is not broken.”

The organization ‘People Can Change’ is located in Ruckersville, Virginia and has hundreds of gay-to-straight camps and therapy conversion facilities all around the country. They have been in operation since May of 2000. ‘People Can Change’ can be contacted at 434-985-8551 or by email at lynn@peoplecanchange.com.

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Al Sharpton Outraged About New Online “Slavery” Website

Jerome Smith, Chairman & CEO of Black Friend Connect, Inc.

Jerome Smith, Chairman & CEO of Black Friend Connect, Inc.

Washington, DC — It seems you can find just about every type of website and service out there these days; this is probably one you have never heard of or seen before. It is called ‘Black Friend Connect’. Their business model revolves around the idea of a white person “renting” a black friend and while the company is gaining in popularity, it has a lot of people outraged, including the Reverend Al Sharpton.

“This company is ridiculous! They are just some racist group trying to make a quick buck. It’s vile, full of hate and disgusting,” Sharpton told reporters. “Black Friend Connect is the new form of slavery. Why don’t they just have the negro come out to their plantation and pick cotton?”

Jerome Smith, Chairman and CEO of Black Friend Connect, Inc. defends his company and told reporters it is great way for white people to find a new black friend. “Every white person needs a black friend. Whether it is fist bumping you in front of your white co-workers or being the black friend you introduce to all your white friends at a party, Black Friend Connect will fulfill all of your black friend needs,” Smith said. “Bottom line is, Black Friend Connect will help prove to your white friends that you are not a racist along with providing you a new and interesting friend.”


52-year-old Mavis Downton told CNN that she does not agree with Black Friend Connect. “I have black friends, and I certainly would not ‘rent’ a friend of any description. If you have to pay for it, they are not your friend.”

Smith told reporters that they are helping both white people and black people with his company. “We provide well-paying jobs for African Americans and friends for white people who would normally not have a black friend. It’s a win-win situation.”

“What Black Friend Connect has just done is revoke the dreams and ideas of Dr. Martin Luther King. They are setting this country back 200 years,” Sharpton said. “It just makes me sick and action must be taken to shut down Black Friend Connect as soon as possible!”

To find your very own black friend you can contact Black Friend Connect online at BlackFriendConnect.com, or by phone at 480.286.9861.

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Groundhog Day 20th Anniversary Reunion Tour Kicks Off July 13th

Bill Murray from Groundhog Day

Bill Murray from a scene in Groundhog Day will be participating in the 20th Anniversary party for the movie that begins July 13th in Phoenix, Arizona.

Culver City, CA — The day that would never end for Bill Murray is turning 20-years-old and the cult classic Groundhog Day is celebrating it properly with a 29-city movie reunion tour that kicks off in Phoenix, Arizona on July 13th. Included in the tour will be cast members Bill Murray, Chris Elliott, Andie MacDowell and Stephen Tobolowsky. It is unclear the exact parties they plan to attend, but if you live in any of the cities listed on the tour, the main characters from Groundhog Day might just be partying with you.

Paul Horner who is a spokesman for Sony Pictures Studios said everyone is excited about the reunion tour. “What better way to celebrate the 20th anniversary of Groundhog Day than a reunion tour visiting and partying with the same fans who made this movie as popular as it still is today,” Horner said. “Besides the fun and excitement this tour will bring it is also helping others by raising money for the March of Dimes that works to improve the health of mothers and babies.”


For those not familiar with the movie; it centers around an arrogant and egocentric Pittsburgh TV weatherman (Murray) who is reluctantly sent to cover a story about Groundhog Day. This is the fourth year in a row that he has done the story and makes no effort to hide his frustration. The following day he finds himself in a time loop, repeating the same day over and over again. Groundhog Day has been considered a tale of self-improvement which emphasizes the need to look inside oneself and realize that the only satisfaction in life comes from turning outward and concerning oneself with others rather than concentrating solely on one’s own wants and desires. According to the website Wolf Gnards, Murray’s character Phil Connors spends 8 years, 8 months and 16 days trapped in Groundhog Day.

It is not yet known the venues of the parties and where they will be held in each city. Horner told CNN that most of the parties will be at someone’s personal residence. “Any house or location interested must have a sheet or banner with the words ‘Groundhog Day Party Here’. You can also contact the hotline we have setup and inform us of a party that you will be throwing,” Horner said. “Ideas for your party can include a screening of the movie Groundhog Day, karaoke, Groundhog Day themed costumes along with plenty of food and alcohol just to name a few. Murray, Elliott, MacDowell and Tobolowsky will be signing autographs and just hanging out with guests so please make your party as comfortable as possible for them.”

The odd moment of the press conference came when 27-year-old Eli Kluger from Phoenix, Arizona told reporters he thought Rick Moranis was in Groundhog Day. “Wasn’t Rick Moranis in Groundhog Day, or am I thinking of another movie?” That is when all the reporters in attendance laughed and pointed at him for being stupid or attempting to be funny.

The Groundhog Day Movie Reunion Tour kicks off July 13th in Phoenix, Arizona and will end September 14th in Austin, Texas. For a complete list of dates and locations of this tour, click here. For more information please call the 24-hour Groundhog Day Movie Reunion Tour Hotline at (310) 244-4000.

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Hating Anything In Life Is Only Hating Yourself

Hate, intolerance, racism all can be fixedHate, intolerance and racism in this world could all be a thing of the past but it first starts with you. This is your life and you can choose to live it however you want. There is no one stopping you from living a life full of love and acceptance except yourself.

I was hanging out with this girl last night at my house who is lucky enough to have a permanent tan. She knows I write and do standup and wanted to hear some jokes. I told her a few and then warned her about the next one. “I’m going to tell it to you”, I said, “But you might find it racist or offensive.” She said, “Say it! I want to hear it!” So after a moment of thinking, I told her the joke.

“I’m so tired of people referring to things by adding color in the description. For example, ‘Hey everybody, check out my new black shoes!’ Why can’t they just say, ‘Hey everybody, check out my new shoes?’ The same goes for painting. Why do people have to say ‘black paint’? Why can’t they just say, ‘Jamal, please paint the fence’.”

She started laughing and milk actually shot out of her nose. I didn’t even have any milk in the house. She must have brought it from home, maybe in a milk flask or something.

I asked her if that joke was too racist or offensive. She kind of blew my mind with her answer and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. She said, “The people that find that joke racist, are racist. It’s something deep down, almost subconscious. It’s something that they don’t like about themselves. So instead of fixing their problem they take their anger and frustrations out on someone else.”

Nevermind album cover by the band Nirvana

The controversial ‘Nevermind’ album cover by the band Nirvana released on September 24, 1991.

Think about most of the Republicans out there like Rick Santorum for example. He hides his hate and homophobia behind a 2,000-year-old book. That guy thinks about gay sex more than gay people think about gay sex.

As a person in office that represents the gay hate machine, Santorum will never publicly come out of the closet, but I guarantee that sooner or later a scandal will emerge about him being with another man. It’s only a matter of time.

Kurt Cobain said it best about the cover of his 1991 album Nevermind:

“If you’re offended by this, you must be a closet pedophile.”

Don’t Be Afraid Of Love!

Don't be afraid of love
Hello fans of Super Official News,

I just put up this site called www.dontbeafraidoflove.com and I think you’ll love it!

It consist of 5 second videos of people shouting the word “LOVE!” or something of that nature at someone and then you see the person’s face and it’s really funny.

What to do:

1. Take a 5 second video scaring someone by shouting the word “LOVE” and then getting their reaction.

2. Upload the video to Youtube or whatever video hosting provider you prefer.

3. Submit link of video here and it will be posted for all to see.

4. Profit!

Feel free to add your name and any other information you would like posted with your video. Youtube works the best for this but whatever you would like to use is just fine.

Let’s make this legendarily funny and always remember, don’t be afraid of love.

Love,

Paul Horner