The Ass Press
Posted: 06/30/2012 6:05:14 PM PDT
Hollywood, CA — Just hours after People magazine revealed that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are calling it quits after five years of marriage, a source from the law firm that drew up the five year marriage contract has come forward with it’s details.
The source at the law firm, who wished to remain anonymous, says the marriage between Holmes and Cruise was just for show. The sole purpose of the heterosexual marriage was done for Scientology and preventing more gay rumors from circulating about Tom Cruise. “Homosexuality is a big no-no in Scientology. There was a lot of pressure coming down on Tom to appear straight. Scientology leader David Miscavige told him he was going to have to make a decision soon. It was either the ‘church’ or his gay lifestyle, he couldn’t have both. This was a way Tom Cruise could appear straight and keep in good standings with the ‘church’. It was also a great way to get Katie Holmes more attention and a quick payday. It was a win-win for both of them.”
According to the source at the law firm, here are just a few of the conditions of the contract:
#4 – Ms. Holmes will receive $3 million per year of marriage, with a $50 million bonus at the end of the fifth year. Ms. Holmes is required to pay $10 million to Mr. Cruise if she terminates the marriage before the five years.
#7 – After 11 years if Ms. Holmes is still with Mr. Cruise, the prenup and contract will become null and void. She is then entitled to half of Cruise’s entire fortune.
#12 – Must submit to random drug testing.
#17 – $10 million bonus per offspring produced.
#43 – Attend all required Scientology courses, classes and events.
#71 – Not allowed to speak of Scientology’s teachings and happenings to the press or any friends and family.
#95 – Must be accompanied by a Scientology chaperone(s) at all times.
#132 – Smile and agree with everything that Mr. Cruise says.
#141 – Give the appearance of happiness at all times.
#157 – No gay jokes of any kind. This includes calling the movie Top Gun, gay. Referring to the union as ‘Marriage: Impossible’. Or saying that Mr. Cruise has been in ‘A Few Good Men’.
#350 – Cannot speak ill of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard or make short jokes about David Miscavige. It is preferred that the joke telling be left in the hands of Mr. Cruise.
#690 – Cannot speak to anyone about the “special” male friends of Mr. Cruise.
#750 – Must live by the rituals, practices and laws of The Galactic Federation of Planets.
#857 – Xenu outfits are to be worn at all religious ceremonies and during mating sessions for offspring.
#915 – In the rare occurrence that Xenu returns to earth or Teegeeack, Ms. Holmes must accompany Mr. Cruise on the mothership or a vessel of his choosing, or forfeit any money earned.
#1256 – $10 million bonus for a surgically attached penis.
Paul Horner who is a spokesman for the ‘Church’ of Scientology denied these claims. “I don’t know what this guy from this law firm is talking about. He’s obviously sick. He’s probably gay himself or takes a lot of pills.” Horner then went on to say, “I can tell you for a fact that this will be investigated and he will be sued. I’m sure if he wasn’t so afraid of Scientology he wouldn’t be making up all of these ridiculous claims. We would be more than happy to help him with all of his mental problems, for a small fee.”
“We’re just so glad she’s finally free,” long time Katie Holmes fan Sarah Barkins said. “I’m just so happy Scientology and Tom Cruise can’t ruin her life anymore. Plus from the way this contract sounds, it looks like she’ll be walking away with some serious loot. I just hope she didn’t get the penis attachment.”
A representative for Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes could not be reached for comment at the time of this release.
Good for her! I’m glad she’s free… and she got paid!
Scientology sucks
Personally I hope she got the penis
Tom had her on a leash.. jeez
How the fck can a surgically attached working penis be attached to a woman? Where would it be attached? If it had to be attached between the legs, then Katie would have had to undergo surgery that would destroy her genitals. I hardly believe that she would allow that kind of surgical assault on her body.
If true I hope the Cruise’s sue that law firm. Whatever happened to lawyer client confidentiality?
Maybe it expired after the five year contract was up?
Perhaps sanity of client is a requirement to keep lawyers quiet. Talk of a mothership returning? Really?
It’s funny because a former coworker of mine had told me about this marriage contract a couple of years ago. We worked together at a talent agency, and she used to work at a tanning salon in LA where a lot of personal assistants to high profile actors went to gossip.
The rumor (and I stress the word rumor, because obviously I have no proof of any of this) was that Tom’s people were shopping this contract around to a number of high profile actresses. All of the details I heard regarding money and children match up with what the article said (except for the parts about Xenu outfits during sex and the optional penis surgery…I didn’t hear anything about that!).
I took the story with a grain of salt (and still do, for the most part), but it’s funny that now I’m hearing it from different sources. Honestly, having worked in the business, I’ve heard and seen too much to ever completely discount a rumor about a high profile actor just because it seems far-fetched. As for this one in particular, well…I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out to be true for the most part, but I would be a little shocked if Tom and Katie had genuinely gotten married for love.
as the scientologist spokesperson said this isnt even a reliable sourse and the guy who said and wrote that claim of contract will probably be sued by Cruise himself. We also dont know if the reason for the sham marriage was because Cruise had sex with men like travolta and contract was to suppress all that or whether Cruise simply gets bored with monogamy in which case he should also come out of the closet of conservative morality for show and just be like Charlie Sheen who prefers many high classed hookers over marriage simply because he does have the power of choise unlike most people who hypocritically say they’d prefer monogamy over polygamy.
I for one, would like to see the penis attachment if she got it
Pics or it didn’t happen
He was auditioning actress’ for a role in MI:3 and for his future girlfriend on the side. Scarlett Johanson went to lunch with him at a Scientology center then led her into a big hall where all the scientologists were waiting for them :/ He did the same with Keri Russel. Katie Holmes was on that list. Almost 5 months later he’s jumping on Oprah’s couch saying he loves her. 4 months after that Katie is giving birth to his child…hmmmmmmmm.
Tom is a weirder dude than I thought
Top Gun is gay:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHklGtW3rwU&
I hope she didn’t get the penis attachment
I’m glad Katie Holmes is safe, and didn’t get the penis implant
I wanna know how much more hardcore it got after condition #1256 of the marriage contract
Well, as a plant tech who has been in Pamela Anderson’s house, I would believe that actors buy their own pr/bs esp if they have the money to do so. All the money spent on the lavish wedding and etc would have wiped out world hunger if it had been spent in better ways. Pamela lives smack on top of san andreas fault, makes her living on her assetts and has a 6 foot mirror glued to ceiling over her bed–hellooooo-pop goes the weisel
Okay, it didn’t SAY she has a surgically attached penis….it said she would get a $10 million BONUS. I still thinke he is strange and controlling. There could have been some kind of contract… not sure if this was really it though.
If this is true, Tom Cruise is a sicko and i would be surprised if Katie agreed to such marriage.
This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Tom Cruise is a nut!
Look at any of their photos. TC may be a good actor but even he cannot fake looking straight!
It’s really too bad that Tom has to act all straight, and pull fraud marriages like this… just because Scientology won’t accept him as a gay man. He’s denying who he is in life. It’s f*cking sad. F*ck Scientology
We WILL see a tragic meltdown someday. You can’t live forever with this kind of denial.
true dat
I LOVE TOM CRUISE!
The biggest Chinese news website translated this news and treat it very seriously:
http://ent.sina.com.cn/s/u/2012-07-04/15593676105.shtml
omg, that’s so funny. Thanks for sharing. All I can say is:
http://translate.google.com
Chinese people treat everything seriously except for their own lives
so harsh
The contract is so funny!
No people are reluctant to sign such a contract. Unless she is mad.
强势围观
How many persons believe it？
I do not believe Tom Cruise is gay . He only became weird after joining Scientology, they have brainwashed him and he will lose everyone he loves until he gets out!
i’m Chinese,fck off
#141 is so ridiculous as to be unbelievable. However, the other items are all quite true.
I’m Tom Cruises boyfriend from 2005 to 2009 so I would know. By the way, he is actually very good in bed.
It was probably the Xenu outfit.
This is so retarded. I’m just glad she’s finally free now. Good for you Katie!
Katie holmes has a penis
3 words: High Class Prostitution
Maybe the contract itself has not seen the day light, but this info is as sure as Penelope Cruz was smart enough to say bye, bye
T. Cruise and his people will deny this, I imagine because it could be humiliating for such a wealthy Hollywood star to admit to doing menial labor at a company plant/factory and doing it for free just because he enjoyed the repetitive calming effect of the tedious labor, but it’s true: I’ve seen him sneak with a hoody and sunglasses on where I work and spend 1-4 hours at a time doing work, just like the rest of us.
I work at a fudge packing plant.
Ain’t no pussy worth that kind of money. And if he needed a beard, he could have gotten a better looking one than Joey. She’s a good looking woman certainly. But she is not TC calibre cooch.
TomKat… wow, that was weird.
Praise Jesus TomKat is over!