The Ass Press
Posted: 08/09/2012 6:00:04 AM PDT
PASADENA, CA — NASA scientists have confirmed that the Mars rover Curiosity has just found the first signs of life on the Red Planet. The air is electrifying as word spread that remains of 4 out of the 7 rovers that have previously landed on Mars have been located and are all doing just fine.
Paul Horner who is NASA’s lead scientist said that everyone at NASA simply forgot about all the other previous missions to Mars. “In all the excitement of the Mars rover Curiosity landing on Mars, we totally spaced it and forgot that we’ve already been to this planet numerous of times before.” Horner continued, “So far we’ve found remains of the Mars 2 and Mars 3 from the Soviet Union in 1971, the Mars Pathfinder from 1997 and the Phoenix Lander from 2008. We’re still searching for the Viking probe from 1976, the Beagle 2 from Europe and the MER-A Mars Exploration Rover from 2003.”
31 year old Steve Middleton from Arizona said he threw a party in celebration of the Mars landing. “I’m actually kind of embarrassed now about this whole rover landing on Mars thing. When this happened a few days ago I was so happy. I threw a huge landing on Mars party with all my friends. I put up signs all around my house that said ‘USA #1’. I called people I knew in other countries and told them to ‘suck it’. And then today I find out the Soviet Union was the first to land on Mars, over 40 years ago. That’s when I put my sad face on and went into a deep depression.”
Beau Hough from Minnesota said he tried moving to the Soviet Union so he could be number one when it came to the subject of landing on Mars. “So I bought two airline tickets to the Soviet Union from this ‘reputable’ guy off Craigslist for $800. Turns out there is no Soviet Union anymore and now I’m out $800. Thanks NASA and the Mars rover Curiosity!”
NASA’s chief engineer, Victor Shueman, said he is happy with the findings from these other rovers. “So far we’ve found a couple Radiohead CD’s on the Mars Pathfinder from 1997, so that’s all we’ve been listening to here in the control booth for the past 24 hours. For a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself,” Shueman laughs, “That’s from that one karma song of theirs. I really like that song.”
NASA says it will be giving more updates once it finds the other three rovers that were tied to missions that also landed on the Mars surface many, many years before the rover Curiosity.
How cool is this! Where is your god now?
F*ck it, I’m moving to the Soviet Union
Damn you Soviet Union… DAMN YOU!
Soviet Union… always ruining my day