Billionaire’s New Presidential Campaign: Check None Of The Above

The Ass Press
Posted: 05/1/2012 6:05:52 PM PDT

Austin, TX. — A Texas billionaire is making news by starting his own presidential campaign of sorts. For the past few months Texas native Paul Horner has been hard at work on a campaign that he calls, Check None Of The Above. “What I’m doing is showing my disgruntlement for the options the American people have when it comes to choosing their next president,” Horner said at a press conference in Austin this afternoon. “I don’t like Obama and I don’t like Romney. I say check none of the above.”

45 year old Mitch Reynolds said, “We just love what Paul Horner is doing. He’s been placing ads in newspapers and he’s even putting up billboards. It’s exactly like that movie Brewster’s Millions from the 80’s with Richard Pryor and John Candy.”

“I’m doing this for all the Americans out there who are left with two bad choices for president in this upcoming election.” Horner continues, “I’m also getting really tired of people saying that what I’m doing is like what they did in Brewster’s Millions. I came up with this idea all by myself, it has nothing to do with that movie.”

“Everything he’s doing is exactly like that movie Brewster’s Millions,” Sarah Bellignton a long time resident of Austin said. “Paul Horner received all this money as an inheritance from his great-uncle and he needs to spend it all in 30 days to get his actual inheritance or he gets nothing. But there’s a catch to all of this, Paul can’t buy anything tangible. So he’s been spending his money on things like a rare stamp that he actually mailed to someone. He also paid the New York Yankees a huge amount of money to play against his baseball team in an exhibition game and now he’s starting this presidential campaign. I think it’s a great move on Horner’s part to spend the money on something like this. A campaign like this will cost millions and every dollar spent will bring him that much closer to his actual inheritance.”

Horner told reporters, “I don’t play for a baseball team that is playing exhibition games with the Yankees. This is not money I received from a great uncle and I have not been mailing letters to people with rare stamps on them. People are making this out to be much more than it actually is. I just don’t want Obama or Romney in the White House come next year, it’s as simple as that.”

Kevin Harding from San Antonio said, “I wonder if Paul Horner will be able to spend all of his money before the 30 days is up and claim his true inheritance or will he walk away with nothing? I can’t wait to find out what happens!”

Horner said, “The money I’m using for this campaign is not money that I received from an inheritance. I don’t have 30 days to spend a certain amount of money or I lose a bigger inheritance. Let me again reiterate what this is about. I don’t want Barack Obama or Mitt Romney in the White House after this upcoming election, so when voting, I say check none of the above.”

The press conference ended abruptly when Horner physically assaulted a reporter from Fox News after he was asked if he knew anything about a possible sequel to Brewster’s Millions happening in the near future.

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