The Ass Press
Posted: 07/4/2012 4:15:52 PM PDT
Provo, UT — Mormons around the world were shocked to learn today that Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has denounced his lifetime religion of Mormonism and is converting to Christianity. Mitt Romney held a press conference this afternoon and spoke to reporters to explain his actions.
“Most of the American people are of the Christian faith. It only makes sense as a Presidential candidate to be part of the majority. I will be whatever the people want me to be.”
Paul Horner from the Mormon council of Elders said he was disappointed in Romney’s decision today. “Do you know how much money we’re going to lose now without him paying his weekly 10% tithing? We’re probably going to have to shut down at least a dozen churches, maybe even a whole city. I just hope he still doesn’t expect to become a god of his own universe when he dies.”
Romney said he’s most excited about what the Christians refer to as ‘confession’. “If I become President and I do anything wrong, all I have to do is go to confession for 10 minutes, and then it’s like it never happened. I should have become a Christian years ago.”
Dean Huls who is an avid Romney supporter said he is confused with his decision today. “I don’t know why he’s doing this so close to the election. Most Christians already think Obama is a Muslim trying to eradicate the Christian religion, plus he’s black. Romney could be a pedophile into satanic rituals and paganism… he’s still getting the Christian vote.”
Romney told reporters he’s giving a tax break to all carpenters and people with the name Jesus. “In addition to the tax breaks for people named Jesus, I’m also providing them with free healthcare since most people named Jesus don’t pay for it anyway.”
Romney said he got the idea to become Christian when his wife returned home pregnant after a three month cruise to the Bahamas. “Ann told me that since I couldn’t have impregnated her the only answer was immaculate conception. I can’t explain how happy we are to be a part in the second coming of Jesus Christ.” Romney continued, “Plus the Mormon religion is kind of odd with their beliefs in getting your own universe when you die and the woman becoming eternally pregnant. A god that created Adam and Eve who communicated with a talking snake and a human being that can walk on water just makes much more sense to me.”
Romney finished the press conference by informing reporters what his first duty as a Christian President will be if he becomes elected. “I will be working with Congress to pass laws against anyone possessing or wearing the Christian cross. The laws will be especially tough on churches who continue to display a cross anywhere on their building. A cross is the last thing Jesus would want to see when he returns.”
Bill Hicks Christian cross joke:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXes84ESQ5U
I can’t believe Mitt would do this… so close to the elections. I guess I just don’t understand politics
Will he sell his magic underwear on Ebay? Definitely going to bid on that.
Ron Paul 2012!
“I will be whatever the people want me to be” Mitt Romney is truly the king of all panderers, at least his faith is weak enough to possibly exploit. And there goes all the jokes about Romney being a Mormon…
Uhh…wow. This guy is the most openly two-faced politician ever. If the majority religion was no religion, would he become atheist?
Ron Paul 2012!!!!!
In really poor taste! Even if you don’t like Mitt Romney or his belief system, it’s going pretty low to publish this kind of stuff. I’m English and I have no interest in US politics, but I am concerned when a good man’s personal beliefs (whatever they are) are used like this. Very poor journalism!
Since you said you don’t follow politics… let me clue you in.
A lot of the problems with anything in politics, government and the world these days is because of Christianity and the bible. Obama is a Muslim… gays have no rights… In GOD we trust… evolution vs creationism… wars… etc etc etc etc etc etc
Mitt Romney is a Mormon. The Mormon beliefs are nothing like Christianity. Mormons might claim they are, but they aren’t. So the fact that no one is making a big deal out of this, since he’s the Republican nominee for the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, is absolutely ridiculous.
You’re welcome.
I have 4 families on my street who are Mormon. I understand how hard it must be for Romney to leave his faith. I wish him nothing but a good outcome in all of this.
I will post this on twitter and facebook!
-Thank you Lord Jesus Christ because u touch your son Mitt Romney’s heart to see the you our Lord Jesus Christ!
Mr. Mitt Romney I ask you to read more in the Holy Bible & discover the OLD CHRISTIANITY – The Holy Christian Orthodox Church…..
-Try to visit ANY Christian Coptic Orthodox Church in USA to help u to find the nearly Coptic Orthodox Church in your State……
+God bless you Mr. Mitt Romney,
Ron Paul 2012!
WHY? Why would Mitt do this, right now? So close to election. DUMB!