Menlo Park, CA — At a press conference this morning, Facebook rolled out their new fee structure for those that use the social media website while intoxicated. Beginning January 1st of next year, Facebook says it will start implementing fees ranging from $20 all the way upwards of $1,000 for repeat offenders. The social media giant says the move is to keep inappropriate content off the site and maintain a family-friendly oriented place for individuals to gather online.
“We thought long and hard about this decision, but at the end of the day, we had no choice but to add these fees,” Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg told reporters. “If we don’t do something about all the belligerent postings on Facebook, we could face an unrecoverable financial burden and become obsolete.”
“This is excellent news for Facebook stock holders,” says Wall Street analyst Dale Sackrider. “As of August this year, Facebook had a total of 1.317 billion users. If just 10% of those members pay the new fees associated with inebriated postings on Facebook, that will mean an annual influx of cash totaling roughly $100 billion. That’s not just an increase in profits of a few dollars, that’s a game changer right there.”
In an interview with CNN, Facebook spokesman Paul Horner explained the reason for the fees.
“Economic times are tight, the ads on Facebook are not as profitable as we had planned. Our costs are going up as hundreds of thousands of individuals continue to join the site every day,” Horner said. “There’s so many pictures of cats, and all of those costs add up, we just can’t foot the bill any longer. Bottom line is, if you post on Facebook while intoxicated, you will pay a penalty for that.”
Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, a mascot for a Christian anti-masturbation group, says their business could not survive without Facebook.
“Charging people to use Facebook while drunk means there won’t be as many masturbating heathens on the site cluttering it up with their obscene language and misspellings, which makes my job much easier. Personally, I like Facebook because it helps me promote my side business of making personalized video greetings. Those videos are good, clean fun for the whole family, and they also help pay for my anger management and sex offender classes. Praise Fappy!”
Horner spoke to reporters about repeat offenders who continue to use the site while intoxicated.
“We’re extremely excited about the launch of a new breathalyzer chat and status update posting feature. Violators will now be required to blow into the Facebookalyzer™ before posting a status update or chatting with friends. The idea is to help other users get a better perspective on what they’re reading or who they are chatting with based on that person’s blood alcohol level,” Horner said. “Users with a blood alcohol level over .15 will now be blocked from posting or chatting about such things as boyfriends, girlfriends, exes, religion, politics or personal stances on activism of any kind. The topics for these users are limited to such things as mini-giraffes and recipes for pumpkin pie.”
45-year-old Tom Downey from Arlington, Ohio says he enjoys using the Facebookalyzer™.
“Before I would drink a fifth of Jack Daniels, go online and rant about how much of a b*tch my girlfriend is or how much I love her. Now with this new feature from Facebook that doesn’t happen anymore. Thanks Facebookalyzer™!”
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