Surprise Winner At This Years Punjab Rape Festival

Winners of this year’s Punjab Rape Festival. Nikhil Thakur (second from left) being awarded ‘The Baalkrishan’ for most rapes.

Punjab, INDIA — Exciting news is coming out of Punjab, India this morning as this year’s Punjab Rape Festival results have been announced and prizes are being awarded. It was close, but in the end it was Nikhil Thakur who took home the ‘The Baalkrishan’ for most rapes this year. This was the first time Thakur had participated in the event and locals are still in shock.

Madhuban Ahluwalia who heads up the annual festival told reporters he is just baffled by this year’s winner. “We don’t know where Nikhil Thakur came from or who he is,” said Ahluwalia. “There are men in India who have participated in this festival since they were little boys, and then some guy just comes in here and wins it all by getting the most rapes.” Ahluwalia continued, “Well I can tell you that the locals around town are not too pleased.”

“It’s f*ckin’ bullsh*t, that’s what it is,” said 81-year-old Madhusmita Borthakur. “I’ve been participating in this festival since I was nine years old. And some new dude, some hip-hopper, just comes in and gets the most rapes. It’s not g*ddamn fair and I demand a recount!”

Ahluwalia told reporters why the event is so important. “This is a long time tradition in Punjab dating back thousands of years,” says Ahluwalia. “We rape the evil demons out of the girls, otherwise they will cheat on us and we will be forced to kill them. So it is win-win for everyone.” Ahluwalia continued, “The Punjab Rape Festival began in 43 BC when Baalkrishan Tamil Nadu raped everyone in his village of Ludhiana. Baalkrishan Tamil Nadu is remembered every year at this event, in fact the trophy given to the man with the most rapes is called ‘The Baalkrishan’.”

23-year-old Harikrishna Majumdar who tied for 3rd told reporters that he had been training all year for this event. “I told everyone that I would get the most rapes this year and I almost did!” Majumdar said, “I was practicing raping my sister and her friends every day and my hard work paid off!” Majumdar continued, “One day I will get the Baalkrishan prize for sure!”

WINNERS OF THIS YEAR PUNJAB RAPE FESTIVAL

1. Nikhil Thakur – 28 confirmed rapes
2. Suresh Ambiger – 24 confirmed rapes
3. Chandan Panjwani – 22 confirmed rapes
4. Harikrishna Majumdar – 22 confirmed rapes

“We normally award just three winners, but Harikrishna Majumdar was able to sneak in there at the last minute and get rape number 22,” said Ahluwalia. “We are all so proud of him!”

34-year-old Paul Horner who is a Rape Crisis Specialist said the rape statistics in India are incorrect. “Currently India is second in reported rapes in the world only behind the United States. This information is false for a number of reasons,” says Horner. “In India, for a woman that has been raped to go to the police she needs four to five witnesses to collaborate her story. This act will also shame her and her family for life. In India the woman is blamed for the rape, not the man. Plus in a lot of cases the woman can be stoned to death or even forced to marry the man who raped her. In the United States of course that does not exist in our free society. Well excuse me, it may not be a free society, but when it comes to a woman being able to report a rape to the proper authorities, justice is always served,” Horner continued, “No one looks down on a rape victim in the United States. She is only greeted with open arms and the person responsible goes to prison.” Horner finished by explaining to reporters, “I imagine in India, realistically, only about 2% of all rapes actually get reported. It is so sad. I truly hope the Indian Government starts doing something about this pure evil and embarrassment to their country.”

For more information about the festival or if you would like to participate in next year’s event, please call the 24-hour Punjab Rape Festival hotline at (785) 273-0325.

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UPDATE 11/7/13: Woman of India, it’s your fault.

UPDATE 10/8/13:
View India’a Response Here

UPDATE 10/9/13:
India Ends Diplomatic Relations With The U.S. Over Satirical Article

UPDATE 11/13/13:
Top India police official says, “If you can’t prevent rape, you enjoy it.”

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