Man’s New Year’s Resolution Is To Get Clean After Becoming A Drug Addict Last Week

December 30, 2012 by 8 Comments
Paul Horner

Paul Horner seen in this picture before he started abusing drugs so he could have a New Year’s resolution to stop using drugs.

Concord, NH — A Concord man is celebrating New Year’s Eve a little different this year, he finally has a New Year’s resolution. “I’ve never had a cool New Year’s resolution. It’s always been something lame like, lose a couple pounds or finally finish a crossword puzzle,” says 34-year-old Paul Horner. “I’ve never smoked cigarettes, I’m not a thief, I don’t beat my wife or anything cool like that so I can’t give any of that up.” Horner continued, “Well this New Years I wanted to really make it count. So I a made a promise to myself to stop using drugs and finally get clean, but first I had to start using drugs.”

Approximately six days ago, Horner started using heroin, crystal meth, cocaine and PCP. “In this last week of being addicted to drugs, my whole life has been turned upside down. My family and friends won’t talk to me. I’ve contracted HIV. I’ve been arrested 8 times. I’ve even been forced to turn tricks on the street to pay for my addiction,” Horner said. “If I had to choose a drug of choice right now, I’d probably say anything you put in front of me. But if I had to pick just one, it’s definitely huffing gold Krylon out of a sock. I’m going to be sad when I finally have to give that up.”

“I really wish Paul the best in getting clean,” says his mother Janet Horner. “These last 6 days that he’s been a drug addict has been a nightmare for our whole family. He’s pawned all my jewelery, stole my purse – twice. He held my husband and I at gun point until we told him our PIN numbers and then he went and emptied out our bank accounts of more than $50,000. I can’t wait until he fulfills his New Year’s resolution.”

“I never used drugs until last week, but I’m getting pretty good at doing them. I think I’m going to really miss this lifestyle once I get clean,” Horner said. “I’ve told my parents I’m checking into rehab January 1st, 2013 and they wish me the best. Hopefully I can finally beat this evil disease once and for all.”

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Mars Rover Finds First Signs Of Life On The Red Planet

August 9, 2012 by 4 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 08/09/2012 6:00:04 AM PDT

Mars rover Curiosity finds life on MarsPASADENA, CA — NASA scientists have confirmed that the Mars rover Curiosity has just found the first signs of life on the Red Planet. The air is electrifying as word spread that remains of 4 out of the 7 rovers that have previously landed on Mars have been located and are all doing just fine.

Paul Horner who is NASA’s lead scientist said that everyone at NASA simply forgot about all the other previous missions to Mars. “In all the excitement of the Mars rover Curiosity landing on Mars, we totally spaced it and forgot that we’ve already been to this planet numerous of times before.” Horner continued, “So far we’ve found remains of the Mars 2 and Mars 3 from the Soviet Union in 1971, the Mars Pathfinder from 1997 and the Phoenix Lander from 2008. We’re still searching for the Viking probe from 1976, the Beagle 2 from Europe and the MER-A Mars Exploration Rover from 2003.”

31 year old Steve Middleton from Arizona said he threw a party in celebration of the Mars landing. “I’m actually kind of embarrassed now about this whole rover landing on Mars thing. When this happened a few days ago I was so happy. I threw a huge landing on Mars party with all my friends. I put up signs all around my house that said ‘USA #1’. I called people I knew in other countries and told them to ‘suck it’. And then today I find out the Soviet Union was the first to land on Mars, over 40 years ago. That’s when I put my sad face on and went into a deep depression.”

Beau Hough from Minnesota said he tried moving to the Soviet Union so he could be number one when it came to the subject of landing on Mars. “So I bought two airline tickets to the Soviet Union from this ‘reputable’ guy off Craigslist for $800. Turns out there is no Soviet Union anymore and now I’m out $800. Thanks NASA and the Mars rover Curiosity!”

NASA’s chief engineer, Victor Shueman, said he is happy with the findings from these other rovers. “So far we’ve found a couple Radiohead CD’s on the Mars Pathfinder from 1997, so that’s all we’ve been listening to here in the control booth for the past 24 hours. For a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself,” Shueman laughs, “That’s from that one karma song of theirs. I really like that song.”

NASA says it will be giving more updates once it finds the other three rovers that were tied to missions that also landed on the Mars surface many, many years before the rover Curiosity.

>>> Mars Rover Comes Out Of Closet
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Mars Rover Comes Out Of The Closet

August 6, 2012 by 3 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 08/06/2012 12:00:14 PM PDT

The Mars rover is gay - comes out of the closetPasadena, CA — NASA scientists have confirmed that the Mars rover Curiosity has come out of the closet after safely landing on the Red Planet this morning. Engineers are saying that it hasn’t been roving around like it’s supposed to, but instead has been skipping from destination to destination. NASA is also informing reporters that the rover changed it’s own name from ‘Curiosity’ to ‘Bi-Curiosity’ and is currently sending back the photos it’s collecting to Earth using Instagram.

Paul Horner who is NASA’s lead scientist on the project said that everyone at NASA knew the rover was gay. “Going into this project, we all knew the rover was attracted to robots of it’s own gender. The rover was doing things a straight rover just wouldn’t do. We also caught it numerous times sexting with WALL-E.” Horner continued, “I think Mars is a good place for a rover to safely come out of the closet. It’s a far enough distance from Republicans, Christians and any Chick-fil-A restaurants.”

Dale Simmons is a television executive at FOX News who says the station is refusing to broadcast information about the Mars landing until NASA replaces the gay rover with a straight rover. “This is one of the most important pieces of news this year, besides Obama’s missing birth certificate of course, and some fruity little rover is up there in charge of everything. I don’t know about you, but as an American, I don’t like it one darn bit.”

Horner says the Mars rover Bi-Curiosity will continue with it’s current mission of collecting data about the region, but has added ‘looking for signs of gay life’ to it’s list of things to do. “We believe any previous gay life on Mars could have listened to music the equivalent of a band like Cold Play or Nickelback. So the rover is currently looking for album cover remains and things of that nature.”

NASA’s chief engineer, Victor Shueman, said he is extremely pleased with the photos that the rover is transmitting back to Earth. “The first pictures that the rover sent back were just your basic black and white photos. But since the rover came out of the closet this morning, these recent ones are actually quite amazing. They are in full color. Some have images of smiley faces and unicorns on them too. The rover has also been sending us photos of it’s ‘fabulous’ tan that it has acquired since landing on the Red Planet.”

The Bi-Curiosity rover is informing NASA it will stay on the planet collecting data and taking pictures as long as the mission takes and also until Mars allows gay marriage.

>>> Mars rover finds first signs of life on the Red Planet
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