McDonald’s To Begin Employing Only Robots To Run It’s Store In Phoenix

May 20, 2015 by 1 Comment

Phoenix, Arizona  —  A McDonald’s restaurant in is scrapping the idea of employing humans to run its new store opening in Phoenix, Arizona and going with robots.
The robots will take orders, collect money, make food, you name and they can do it.

Paul Horner, the stores manager, and only human, told CNN he will be there for customer complaints and to make sure the robots run correctly.

“I’m proud to be a part of this. It’s the first time any store or restaurant will be run entirely be robots. I can’t wait.”

Will this be a good thing for humanity? Some think it is a step in the right direction and the future of fast food. Though critics like Michelle Bernstein disagree.

“Young kids, who can’t get jobs anywhere else rely on getting a job as McDonald’s,” Bernstein told reporters. “But now with the robots running the place, all those children will remain unemployed. It’s just so sad.”

I for one welcome are new burger overlords.

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DeQuincy, Louisiana Making Talking About ‘The Dress’ Illegal With 30 Days In Jail For Repeat Offenders

March 4, 2015 by Leave a Comment

A small town in Louisiana is making discussing the color of the dress illegal.

The city of DeQuincy is fining first time offenders $500 and assigning mandatory 30 day jail sentences for repeat offenders.

The Mayor of DeQuincy, Tom Downey, spoke to CNN about the ban the city is placing on discussing the the color of the dress.

“We already have a huge problem in this town with residents not going to work, and now, because of this gosh dang dress, they really haven’t been going to work,” said Downey. “They either stay at home or go to the bar and just look at pictures of these dresses and debate what color it is. Loud arguments and fights break out; It’s all a bunch of hogwash I tell ya!” Downey continued, “Talking about this dress is a waste of time and it’s effecting our economy here in this town, so finally I had to put my foot down, and now it’s illegal.”

VIDEO: A City In Louisiana Makes Discussing ‘The Color Of The Dress’ Illegal

Way to go DeQuincy!

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BREAKING NEWS: It’s Snowing In The Northeast, Again

February 20, 2015 by 14 Comments
Ken Harris shoveling his driveway in the Northeast

Ken Harris shoveling his sidewalk in the Northeast, again.

Boston, MA — A massive snow storm and blizzard is hitting the Northeast, again. The winter storm is stranding motorists on highways and piling up drifts so high that some homeowners are having problems getting their doors open. This may remind you of the great snow storm from 2014 where the exact same situation happened, along with every other year before that.

Erich Sean from Boston said he gets frustrated every year around this exact same time.

“I just keep telling myself that maybe this will be the year we don’t get blizzards and huge snow storms, but I’m always wrong,” Kelly said. “Well, maybe next year I’ll be right.”

Paul Horner who is weather man for WCVB said he was amazed with all the snowfall happening in the Northeast.

“When I first heard about the snowstorm I couldn’t understand how this could be possible. To see all this snow in February during the winter time, it just blows your mind,” Horner said. “I just want to say a word to all of our loyal viewers and readers; if you’re out in the snow, without clothes on, go back inside your home and put clothes on immediately. Then proceed to do what you’ve always done during February for the past 100 years or however long you’ve lived in the Northeast.”

73-year-old Wanda Jenkins from Sun City, Arizona told reporters she cannot believe the news about all the snowstorms and blizzards happening in the Northeast.


“Oh lawd, it’s just horrible. Have you seen the news lately? It’s snowing like crazy in the Northeast, again. And all of this during wintertime, in February, just like it always does,” Jenkins said. “I’m planning on sending care packages to all of my relatives that live in the Northeast. Each box will be filled with fake snow and photographs of my beautiful backyard and garden. I think I’ll take the pictures this Saturday, while in my shorts and t-shirt, when it’s supposed to be 80 degrees with clear blue skies.”

The National Weather Service is warning people living in the Northeast to expect more snow and blizzards. The threat level on their website has been elevated to “Normal”, which is where it has been since threat levels for snow and blizzards in the Northwest began being documented over 50 years ago.

If you know of a family member or loved one living in the Northeast, expect them to call you complaining about the weather. Make sure you have caller ID or a block in place so you can disregard their bitching that happens every year at this exact same time.


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Snoop Dogg Is Offering $100,000 A Year For A Blunt Roller To Join Crew

January 19, 2015 by Leave a Comment
Snoop Dogg blunt rolling contest; winner gets $100,000

For the poster, Snoop Dogg commissioned local Arizona artist Benji Sakoai and famous graffiti artist Shepard Fairey. Known by his stage names Snoop Doggy Dogg, Snoop Dogg is hiring a full-time blunt roller for his entourage. Pay starts at $100,000. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Los Angeles, CA — American rapper, singer-songwriter and actor, Snoop Doggy Dogg held a press conference today to announce his need for a full-time blunt-roller to join his crew, with an amazing starting pay of $100,000/yr.

The contest is being dubbed, “Wrapper For A Rapper“, and judges are asking contestants to submit a Youtube video. In the video, please explain why you are the best candidate for the job and if you can handle partying 24/7 with Snoop and his entourage. And of course, most importantly, show off your blunt and joint rolling skills. Please keep in mind that since this is Youtube, use tobacco or something non-narcotic.

Are you a bad enough dude to hang with Snoop Dogg’s entourage full time, and get $100,000/yr to do it? How about a $100,000/yr with a 3-year contract? Your only job is to roll blunts for Snoop and his crew and to be able to “keep up” with their worldwide partying and massive blunt sessions.

Snoop Dogg told 36-year-old Paul Horner, editor for the High Times Magazine, that he is thrilled to bring on a new member of the team whose sole purpose is to roll joints and blunts.”My crew and myself are so excited about bringing on a full-time blunt-roller and I think $100,000/yr is very fair price. It will bring out the best quality of blunt rollers and since part of video submission showing your skills, we’ll be able to see your personality and if you can handle hanging out with the big dogs,” Snoop said.” The new employee must be able to travel at a moment’s notice and roll blunts.” Snoop continued,”But he or she has gotta be quick on their feet, a great sense of humor, intelligent – dummies need not apply, and most importantly roll a joint or blunt faster than Yosemite Sam. I want this to be a career for the individual whoever it is we end up choosing. Snoop finished the press conference by informing reporters that, “Only the best of the best need apply for this highly coveted position of Snoop Dogg’s official blunt roller. If one can not split and twist a blunt with one hand while hitting and passing a second; then this career opportunity may not be for you. If you or someone you know would be interested in applying for this job; please click here.

Youtube videos are the only acceptable form of entry and please use a subject line of, “Wrapper For A Rapper”. Other tags are encouraged, like “Snoop Dogg’s Wrap-Off” or “Snoop Dogg Contest”.

For the poster, Snoop Dogg commissioned local Arizona artist Benji Sakoai and famous graffiti artist Sheppard Feiery.

A winner will be announced April 20th, 2015. The $100,000 a year salary includes a three-year contract plus full medical and dental. If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to call (785) 273-0325.

VIDEO: Snoop Dogg Offers $100K/Year For Blunt Roller To Join Entourage

Read The Full Story At News Examiner

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If you or someone you know would be interested in applying for this job; please click here.

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Facebook To Fine Users That Post While Drunk; Breathalyzer For Repeat Offenders

November 29, 2014 by Leave a Comment

Menlo Park, CA — At a press conference this morning, Facebook rolled out their new fee structure for those that use the social media website while intoxicated. Beginning January 1st of next year, Facebook says it will start implementing fees ranging from $20 all the way upwards of $1,000 for repeat offenders. The social media giant says the move is to keep inappropriate content off the site and maintain a family-friendly oriented place for individuals to gather online.

“We thought long and hard about this decision, but at the end of the day, we had no choice but to add these fees,” Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg told reporters. “If we don’t do something about all the belligerent postings on Facebook, we could face an unrecoverable financial burden and become obsolete.”

“This is excellent news for Facebook stock holders,” says Wall Street analyst Dale Sackrider. “As of August this year, Facebook had a total of 1.317 billion users. If just 10% of those members pay the new fees associated with inebriated postings on Facebook, that will mean an annual influx of cash totaling roughly $100 billion. That’s not just an increase in profits of a few dollars, that’s a game changer right there.”



In an interview with CNN, Facebook spokesman Paul Horner explained the reason for the fees.

“Economic times are tight, the ads on Facebook are not as profitable as we had planned. Our costs are going up as hundreds of thousands of individuals continue to join the site every day,” Horner said. “There’s so many pictures of cats, and all of those costs add up, we just can’t foot the bill any longer. Bottom line is, if you post on Facebook while intoxicated, you will pay a penalty for that.”

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, a mascot for a Christian anti-masturbation group, says their business could not survive without Facebook.

“Charging people to use Facebook while drunk means there won’t be as many masturbating heathens on the site cluttering it up with their obscene language and misspellings, which makes my job much easier. Personally, I like Facebook because it helps me promote my side business of making personalized video greetings. Those videos are good, clean fun for the whole family, and they also help pay for my anger management and sex offender classes. Praise Fappy!”



Horner spoke to reporters about repeat offenders who continue to use the site while intoxicated.

“We’re extremely excited about the launch of a new breathalyzer chat and status update posting feature. Violators will now be required to blow into the Facebookalyzer™ before posting a status update or chatting with friends. The idea is to help other users get a better perspective on what they’re reading or who they are chatting with based on that person’s blood alcohol level,” Horner said. “Users with a blood alcohol level over .15 will now be blocked from posting or chatting about such things as boyfriends, girlfriends, exes, religion, politics or personal stances on activism of any kind. The topics for these users are limited to such things as mini-giraffes and recipes for pumpkin pie.”

45-year-old Tom Downey from Arlington, Ohio says he enjoys using the Facebookalyzer™.

“Before I would drink a fifth of Jack Daniels, go online and rant about how much of a b*tch my girlfriend is or how much I love her. Now with this new feature from Facebook that doesn’t happen anymore. Thanks Facebookalyzer™!”


CLICK HERE TO READ MORE

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Ray Rice And Wife Janay Announce Charity Cage Match In Las Vegas

September 10, 2014 by Leave a Comment
Ray Rice cage match in Las Vegas

Poster for the Rice vs. Rice cage match being held in Las Vegas at the MGM Grand next month. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Las Vegas, NV — Just days after the elevator knockout heard around the world, Ray Rice and wife Janay have announced a charity cage match to help abused women in India.

“This is for a really good cause,” Janay Rice told reporters. “We’re going to turn this negativity into something positive. The money raised from this will help thousands of women in India get a proper education, shelter, food, help in getting out of abusive relationships, rape counseling and much more!”

MGM Grand spokesman Paul Horner told CNN he is excited about the upcoming event. “Tickets went on sale this morning for the ‘Elevator Showdown’ and we’re already more than halfway sold out. This is something everyone wants to see because the elevator video we all saw wasn’t enough. Society’s taste for violence will be satisfied next month when these two meet in the cage to settle their differences once and for all. This is going to be the cage match of the century!”

Rice told reporters he’s looking forward to the cage match being held at the MGM Grand next month.

“This time she’s not going to be able to just fall on the ground and act like she’s knocked out. If she tries that again it’s really going to be lights out for her. I’ll teach her to respect a man,” Rice said. “I’m really excited about how much money this will raise to help woman in India that are in abusive relationships.”

“In the video people saw that I was only able to hit Ray in the face a few times, but that’s nothing,” Janay told reporters. “On October 24th, I’ll get my revenge. After I’m done with him I’ll make sure he can’t walk right. It’s not like he’ll be playing football any time soon.” Janay laughs.

The Baltimore Ravens, who cut Rice on Monday, donated five thousand Ray Rice jerseys to a local battered women’s shelter. What the woman will do with the jerseys is still unclear.

Vegas oddsmakers so far have Rice winning the cage match but insiders say a knockout by Janay is extremely possible with that paying out 7-1. Giveindia.org gives 90% of the money it collects directly to the cause of helping women in India. The ‘Elevator Showdown’ is scheduled for 5 rounds and will be held at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Nevada at 8pm on October 24th. Tickets can be purchased online or by calling (785) 273-0325.

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Facebook Adding ‘Satire’ Tags To Fox News Articles

September 7, 2014 by Leave a Comment

Menlo Park, CA — What some are calling a “harmless prank” is being taken very seriously by the Fox News Channel. On Sunday, the links on Facebook which display related articles by Fox News were showing ‘satire’ tags beside them. No one is sure if this is permanent, temporary or a mistake, but lawyers of Fox are not taking the issue lightly.

“This is a programmer or someone at Facebook, a comedian,” Paul Horner, a lawyer for Fox News told reporters. “If these tags are not removed in 48 hours Facebook will have a multimillion dollar lawsuit on their hands.”

Fox News has satire tags on Facebook

Read More

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Christian Anti-Masturbation Group Sues Other Christian Anti-Masturbation Group For $350 Million Claiming Trademark Infringement

August 6, 2014 by Leave a Comment
Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin speaking to students

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here at Westview Elementary School in Apple Valley, Minnesota while on his 31-city nationwide anti-masturbation school tour. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Creve Coeur, MO — A federally funded Christian anti-masturbation organization claims that another federally funded Christian anti-masturbation organization has violated their intellectual property and is now suing for millions.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and their parent organization Stop Masturbation Now have accused Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Shark of using the same name of their famous dolphin mascot, ‘Fappy’. According to the suit, they believe that using the name “causes a likelihood of confusion”.

READ MORE

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Governor Jan Brewer Pardons Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin For Masturbating In Public

July 12, 2014 by Leave a Comment
Jan Brewer pardons Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin AKA Paul Horner

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer seen here making the pardon for Paul Horner AKA Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin official / Photo courtesy of PhotosByJoseMunoz.com

Phoenix, AZ — Arizona Governor Jan Brewer announced her controversial decision today granting a full pardon to 35-year-old Phoenix resident Paul Horner, known to his thousands of followers as Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin. Horner made world news last month after his ironic arrest for public masturbation.

“I did a lot of soul searching before making this decision,” Brewer told CNN. “We all make mistakes in life. When it comes down to it, we must ask ourselves, would a person like Mr. Horner be better for society locked up behind bars or outside helping the children of this great country learn about the dangers of masturbation? I think the question answers itself.”

Horner, who was arrested last month outside Metta Yoga in Phoenix after employees notified police about a man with no pants on peering through office windows, said he is thrilled with the governor’s decision. “This makes Fappy® very happy,” Horner told reporters. “To be honest I would have been fine either way, in jail, out of jail, it doesn’t matter; my message always stays the same. The prisons in Arizona are just a hotbed of self-rape, that I had planned to fix. Maybe I’ll get a chance to do this the next time I get arrested.” Horner continued, “Thank you Jan Brewer, you are now a member of team Fappy® and we’re glad to have you!”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now spoke with reporters about the future of the organization after this recent setback. “Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy® has helped tens of thousands of adults and children learn about living a masturbation-free lifestyle. During all his years of visiting schools around the world, Fappy® has collected thousands of signatures from children promising never to masturbate; he has done great things,” Childs said. “It’s a shame how the media had portrayed Fappy® after the arrest. Paul Horner is a great man. He is passionate about his work, he loves being Fappy®, he loves the kids. They even have a nickname for him, they call him the tickle monster. That all could have been ruined by some trumped-up charges by the Phoenix five-oh. Arizonans are lucky to have such a fine governor like Brewer, one who steps in like that to help those who are really in need. She’s a magical woman and loves everyone, of course except the blacks, Mexicans and the gays. Praise Jan Brewer! Praise Fappy®!”

Many governors are reluctant to grant pardons. The reason, according to analysts, is mostly political. Statistically, if you are convicted of a felony in Arizona, you are more likely to be struck by lightning than granted clemency by the governor. Excluding the cases of inmates nearing the end of a terminal illness, Brewer is on track to grant the fewest clemency cases in more than two decades — even when a judge and unanimous board recommend a shorter sentence. What made the governor have a change of heart with Fappy®, one may never know.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach both children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. For more information or if you would like the group to visit your child’s school call (785) 273-0325.

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Christian Anti-Masturbation Group’s Mascot Arrested For Public Masturbation

July 1, 2014 by Leave a Comment
Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here speaking to children about the dangers and consequences of masturbation.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here at Evergreen Elementary School in Los Angeles, California while on his nationwide tour.

Phoenix, AZ — In an ironic twist of a fate, a mascot for a Christian anti-masturbation organization was arrested Sunday for masturbating in public. The group recently finished a federally funded 31-city nationwide school tour which it says focused on educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of masturbation.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, whose real name is 35-year-old Paul Horner, was arrested on Sunday at Metta Yoga in Phoenix after employees notified police about a man with no pants on peering through office windows.

Tom Downey with the Phoenix Police Department, who took Horner into custody, spoke with Arizona news station ABC 15 about the arrest. “We thought at first he was possibly intoxicated or mentally unstable, ya know, talking about children and how deadly it is for them to masturbate. Telling us he was in town with a Christian organization aimed at talking with children about the dangers of masturbation. Saying things like, ‘They need to stop playing on the devil’s playground, stop pounding their devil stick or ringing the Devil’s doorbell’,” Downey said. “Things got very odd when Horner broke down crying in the back of my cruiser and began making noises, kind of like a fish, saying that he believed himself to be an actual dolphin. It was really strange.”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now spoke with reporters about the future of the organization after this recent setback. “Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy has helped tens of thousands of adults and children learn to live a masturbation-free lifestyle. During his visits to schools around the world, Fappy has collected thousands of signatures from children promising to never masturbate; he has done great things,” Childs said. “It’s a shame how the media is portraying Fappy right now. Paul Horner is a great man. He’s passionate about his work, he loves being Fappy, he loves the kids. They even have a nickname for him, they call him the tickle monster. But now, all of that is possibly ruined by some trumped-up charges by the Phoenix five-oh, such a shame. I have activated my prayer app and I ask each and every one of you to keep Fappy in your prayers until this incident is resolved. Praise Fappy!”

Horner told CNN by phone that he plans to make the most of his imprisonment. “I want to apologize to all my amazing fans out there, I love and miss you all,” Horner said. “You have my word that I will make the most of this bad situation. Jail is just a hotbed for self-rape and immoral acts. I plan to do everything in my power to stop the masturbation currently happening in this jail.”

On the group’s Facebook page this morning, news was posted of the arrest.

I have some bad news everyone. I want you to hear it here first before the media outlets spread their lies about the incident. Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, whose real name is Paul Horner, was arrested yesterday by Phoenix police. Our lawyers tell us he is being charged with public masturbation, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. He is currently being held at the 4th Avenue Jail in Phoenix, Arizona until a bond is set by a judge, this happening hopefully soon. Please don’t jump to any conclusions about this until we have all the evidence. Please keep Fappy in your prayers during this difficult time.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach both children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. For more information or if you would like the group to visit your child’s school call (785) 273-0325.

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