The Ass Press
Posted: 06/02/2012 11:03:17 AM PDT
DeQuincy, Louisiana — Reports are coming in about a new zombie attack that has just occurred, this time happening in a small town in Louisiana. The massacre happened this morning, leaving 7 dead and 6 badly wounded. This all comes just days after the previous zombie attack which occurred in Miami after a naked man chewed the face off another individual. The zombie attack in Miami is being blamed on a drug called bath salts. It appears the attack today is drug related also.
This new zombie attack appears to have started when a priest from the Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy had given one of it’s alter boys, 23 year old Brandon Adams, too much bath salts.
Tom Hardly a 27 year veteran priest for the church said, “I just gave the boy the normal dose of bath salts that any other priest would give to one of their alter boys. I didn’t know Brandon would just snap like that. I’m lucky to be alive.”
When asked why the priests there give the alter boys bath salts, Hardly responded, “We give them the bath salts because it helps them fight the gay away. There is nothing worse in life than a homosexual. Well, maybe a flesh eating zombie, I don’t know, that’s a close one.” Hardly continued, “Brandon was the cutest of all the alter boys. This last batch of bath salts must have been bad or something because when I was trying to get him on his knees to beg for a load of my forgiveness, he growled at me, then he tried biting me, but not in a good way. Zombies are scary.”
The church was packed with people at the time of the incident. Adams is reported to have suddenly started leaping through the pews, row by row, ravishing any face and body that he could find.
“Oh lawd, it was just horrible,” says Betty Johnson a choir singer for the Holy Lovers Methodist Church. “He had an appetite the lord couldn’t fulfill. I think he was possessed by Satan himself,” she continued, “Plus he was only chewing the men’s faces off I noticed, not any females. If I had to guess Brandon is probably a homosexual. So along with the whole human eating zombie thing going on today, he’ll also be burning in hell for eternity because of his homosexual actions. Our loving lord and father can forgive being a flesh eating zombie, but homosexuality is a big no-no.”
Police Chief Paul Horner from DeQuincy called these bath salts the new LSD. “It’s a scare tactic we use to demonize drugs like LSD. If we scare the kids enough, then maybe they’ll be too scared to ever come out of their houses and think for themselves. I’ll be honest with you, bath salts are nothing like LSD, but hey, the media will print anything we say,” Horner laughs, “Journalists are a bunch of idiots. I’ve taken my fair share of acid back in the 60’s. I don’t ever remember wanting to eat someone’s face off, but hey, that’s just me. Call me old school I guess.”
The Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy has been criticized in the past for giving it’s alter boys bath salts. Spokeswoman for the church Barbara Smith said, “We are seriously looking into this matter and will be making a decision shortly. Our hearts go out to the family members involved in this horrible tragedy. I just want to say a word to the grieving parents out there. Word.”
Before leaving behind all the carnage at the scene of the crime, Brandon Adams set fire to the church and then exploded through the burning church doors, something like out of a horror movie witnesses say. Luckily everyone except the 7 dead victims made it out alive.
Police say that Brandon Adams is still on the run. They are unaware if he has any more bath salts in his possession. Police are saying that if he is spotted to not approach him and instead contact the authorities. Anyone having information about his whereabouts are urged to contact The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line. As always you can remain anonymous.
The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line: (785) 273-0325
[Updated at 11:15 AM PDT] Exclusive video just obtained by Super Official News shows police and firemen battling the flames at The Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy. The death toll now stands at 7. The number of known injuries is 6. Their conditions are not known at this time. Brandon Adams is still at large.
[Updated at 2:54 PM PDT] The National Guard and other military forces are now in DeQuincy. The FBI and local law enforcement agencies are on the ground too. The town of DeQuincy has been sealed off and quarantined. Lieutenant Colonel Franklin with The National Guard said that over 45% of the town’s residents are now zombies. Friends and family members of anyone in DeQuincy are urged to call The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line (785) 273-0325 for information as it becomes available.
[Updated at 4:20 PM PDT] The Mayor of DeQuincy is said to be holed up in a safe house 50 miles out of town. He said this to reporters this afternoon, “Let The National Guard and military do it’s job. They are telling me that over %70 of everyone in DeQuincy is now a zombie. They warn us that these zombies will post on forums and message boards, telling others that nothing is wrong in the town, attempting to lure them into the town so they can dine on their flesh. DON’T FALL FOR THEIR TRICKS! Stay away from DeQuincy until this matter is resolved. God save DeQuincy!”
[Updated at 5:25 PM PDT] Resistance groups are fighting against the zombies but are making little head way. One of the groups, The Resistance For Life, are saying there’s just too many zombies to fight off and they are out numbered.
[Updated at 7:15 PM PDT] Colonel Franklin made a statement saying, “I can confirm that roughly 85% of the population here has been infected. We still have not found the original zombie, Brandon Adams. Unless the resistance can stop and kill the infection, we will have to neutralize the town. Please stay away from DeQuincy. God save us all.”
[Updated at 8:01 PM PDT] So far Bob from the resistance and the Peacock are reported to be safe.
[Updated at 8:28 PM PDT] Colonel Franklin spoke to reporters, “Supplies are dwindling. Items currently needed are water, food, weapons, zombie rounds and any animals that can be used as bait to lure the zombies out of their hiding spots. Please call The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line (785) 273-0325 for more information and how to donate.”
[Updated at 12:54 AM PDT] Colonel Franklin spoke one last time to reporters before heading back to Washington, “It is my deepest regret to inform you all that the town of DeQuincy has been vaporized. We had no other options. The resistance failed and the zombies had complete control of the town. DeQuincy is now just a crater of dirt, which in my opinion is an improvement from what it was before. My thoughts and prayers go out to all the families and friends, blah, blah, blah, yada yada yada. Our government won’t tolerate gay zombie terrorists on bath salts from this day forward. A precedent has been set here today. God bless America!”
[Updated at 7:16 AM PDT] Bob from the resistance and the peacock made it out of DeQuincy safely before the bombing began. Bob says he plans to raise llamas and build a memorial wall dedicated to those who lost their lives at DeQuincy.
[Updated at 06-10-12 | 7:07 PM PDT] The Mayor of DeQuincy made a statement to reporters this evening about the zombie apocalypse that almost occurred. “When it comes to DeQuincy, zombies don’t care what you look like. They don’t care how dumb and ignorant you are. They don’t care if you’re related or not. They don’t care how inbred you may be. They don’t care how many sheep or other farm animals you have sex with on a daily basis. They don’t care if you are fat, have no teeth, balding, or smell really bad. They don’t care if your IQ is under 70. They don’t care if you use soap or shower. They don’t care how much you hate gay people while at the same time probably being a closet homosexual yourself. They don’t care how much you hate minorities. They don’t care how intolerant of other cultures you are or how badly you want to bomb their country. They don’t care if you are a Creationist who thinks the Earth is only 6,000 years old. They don’t care if you can read or write. They don’t even care how badly you beat your wife. The fact of the matter is zombies just don’t care how backwards and out of touch you are with society, they only care about how good your face tastes. So that’s why it’s a good thing the government was able to get in there, vaporize the town and save DeQuincy before it got any worse.”
[Updated at 06-10-12 | 9:14 PM PDT] Ford Motor Company is proud to announce their new line of zombie proof cars being built specifically for the townspeople of DeQuincy. These cars make it easy to get around town while at the same time hiding from any zombies that still may be lurking in the shadows.
[Updated at 06-16-12 | 11:28 AM PDT] New music video for DeQuincy about the dangers of doing bath salts and then turning into a zombie.
[Updated at 07-01-12 | 10:55 PM PDT] Now that the zombies have completely taken over what is left of Dequincy, the homeless there have been forced to take drastic measures.
[Updated at 08-10-12 | 4:17 PM PDT] The zombies have begun to rebuild in Dequincy. Here are ad campaigns for the new Subway and McDonald’s that have just finished being built in the center of town.
[Updated at 06-05-12 | 6:14 AM PDT] A new zombie attack from bath salts in Louisiana. This time happening in Lafayette Parish, Louisiana.
[Updated at 06-12-12 | 5:27 PM PDT] The nonprofit organization Neighbors 4 Neighbors is accepting donations on behalf of Ronald Poppo, the man who’s face was eaten by a zombie in Florida on May 26th. They can be reached at (305) 597-4404. Jackson Memorial is also accepting donations via check at the following address:
Jackson Memorial Foundation
Park Plaza East
901 NW 17th Street
Miami, FL 33136