The Ass Press
Posted: 06/02/2012 11:03:17 AM PDT
DeQuincy, Louisiana — Reports are coming in about a new zombie attack that has just occurred, this time happening in a small town in Louisiana. The massacre happened this morning, leaving 7 dead and 6 badly wounded. This all comes just days after the previous zombie attack which occurred in Miami after a naked man chewed the face off another individual. The zombie attack in Miami is being blamed on a drug called bath salts. It appears the attack today is drug related also.
This new zombie attack appears to have started when a priest from the Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy had given one of it’s alter boys, 23 year old Brandon Adams, too much bath salts.
Tom Hardly a 27 year veteran priest for the church said, “I just gave the boy the normal dose of bath salts that any other priest would give to one of their alter boys. I didn’t know Brandon would just snap like that. I’m lucky to be alive.”
When asked why the priests there give the alter boys bath salts, Hardly responded, “We give them the bath salts because it helps them fight the gay away. There is nothing worse in life than a homosexual. Well, maybe a flesh eating zombie, I don’t know, that’s a close one.” Hardly continued, “Brandon was the cutest of all the alter boys. This last batch of bath salts must have been bad or something because when I was trying to get him on his knees to beg for a load of my forgiveness, he growled at me, then he tried biting me, but not in a good way. Zombies are scary.”
The church was packed with people at the time of the incident. Adams is reported to have suddenly started leaping through the pews, row by row, ravishing any face and body that he could find.
“Oh lawd, it was just horrible,” says Betty Johnson a choir singer for the Holy Lovers Methodist Church. “He had an appetite the lord couldn’t fulfill. I think he was possessed by Satan himself,” she continued, “Plus he was only chewing the men’s faces off I noticed, not any females. If I had to guess Brandon is probably a homosexual. So along with the whole human eating zombie thing going on today, he’ll also be burning in hell for eternity because of his homosexual actions. Our loving lord and father can forgive being a flesh eating zombie, but homosexuality is a big no-no.”
Police Chief Paul Horner from DeQuincy called these bath salts the new LSD. “It’s a scare tactic we use to demonize drugs like LSD. If we scare the kids enough, then maybe they’ll be too scared to ever come out of their houses and think for themselves. I’ll be honest with you, bath salts are nothing like LSD, but hey, the media will print anything we say,” Horner laughs, “Journalists are a bunch of idiots. I’ve taken my fair share of acid back in the 60’s. I don’t ever remember wanting to eat someone’s face off, but hey, that’s just me. Call me old school I guess.”
The Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy has been criticized in the past for giving it’s alter boys bath salts. Spokeswoman for the church Barbara Smith said, “We are seriously looking into this matter and will be making a decision shortly. Our hearts go out to the family members involved in this horrible tragedy. I just want to say a word to the grieving parents out there. Word.”
Before leaving behind all the carnage at the scene of the crime, Brandon Adams set fire to the church and then exploded through the burning church doors, something like out of a horror movie witnesses say. Luckily everyone except the 7 dead victims made it out alive.
Police say that Brandon Adams is still on the run. They are unaware if he has any more bath salts in his possession. Police are saying that if he is spotted to not approach him and instead contact the authorities. Anyone having information about his whereabouts are urged to contact The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line. As always you can remain anonymous.
The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line: (785) 273-0325
[Updated at 11:15 AM PDT] Exclusive video just obtained by Super Official News shows police and firemen battling the flames at The Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy. The death toll now stands at 7. The number of known injuries is 6. Their conditions are not known at this time. Brandon Adams is still at large.
[Updated at 2:54 PM PDT] The National Guard and other military forces are now in DeQuincy. The FBI and local law enforcement agencies are on the ground too. The town of DeQuincy has been sealed off and quarantined. Lieutenant Colonel Franklin with The National Guard said that over 45% of the town’s residents are now zombies. Friends and family members of anyone in DeQuincy are urged to call The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line (785) 273-0325 for information as it becomes available.
[Updated at 4:20 PM PDT] The Mayor of DeQuincy is said to be holed up in a safe house 50 miles out of town. He said this to reporters this afternoon, “Let The National Guard and military do it’s job. They are telling me that over %70 of everyone in DeQuincy is now a zombie. They warn us that these zombies will post on forums and message boards, telling others that nothing is wrong in the town, attempting to lure them into the town so they can dine on their flesh. DON’T FALL FOR THEIR TRICKS! Stay away from DeQuincy until this matter is resolved. God save DeQuincy!”
[Updated at 5:25 PM PDT] Resistance groups are fighting against the zombies but are making little head way. One of the groups, The Resistance For Life, are saying there’s just too many zombies to fight off and they are out numbered.
[Updated at 7:15 PM PDT] Colonel Franklin made a statement saying, “I can confirm that roughly 85% of the population here has been infected. We still have not found the original zombie, Brandon Adams. Unless the resistance can stop and kill the infection, we will have to neutralize the town. Please stay away from DeQuincy. God save us all.”
[Updated at 8:01 PM PDT] So far Bob from the resistance and the Peacock are reported to be safe.
[Updated at 8:28 PM PDT] Colonel Franklin spoke to reporters, “Supplies are dwindling. Items currently needed are water, food, weapons, zombie rounds and any animals that can be used as bait to lure the zombies out of their hiding spots. Please call The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line (785) 273-0325 for more information and how to donate.”
[Updated at 12:54 AM PDT] Colonel Franklin spoke one last time to reporters before heading back to Washington, “It is my deepest regret to inform you all that the town of DeQuincy has been vaporized. We had no other options. The resistance failed and the zombies had complete control of the town. DeQuincy is now just a crater of dirt, which in my opinion is an improvement from what it was before. My thoughts and prayers go out to all the families and friends, blah, blah, blah, yada yada yada. Our government won’t tolerate gay zombie terrorists on bath salts from this day forward. A precedent has been set here today. God bless America!”
[Updated at 7:16 AM PDT] Bob from the resistance and the peacock made it out of DeQuincy safely before the bombing began. Bob says he plans to raise llamas and build a memorial wall dedicated to those who lost their lives at DeQuincy.
[Updated at 06-10-12 | 7:07 PM PDT] The Mayor of DeQuincy made a statement to reporters this evening about the zombie apocalypse that almost occurred. “When it comes to DeQuincy, zombies don’t care what you look like. They don’t care how dumb and ignorant you are. They don’t care if you’re related or not. They don’t care how inbred you may be. They don’t care how many sheep or other farm animals you have sex with on a daily basis. They don’t care if you are fat, have no teeth, balding, or smell really bad. They don’t care if your IQ is under 70. They don’t care if you use soap or shower. They don’t care how much you hate gay people while at the same time probably being a closet homosexual yourself. They don’t care how much you hate minorities. They don’t care how intolerant of other cultures you are or how badly you want to bomb their country. They don’t care if you are a Creationist who thinks the Earth is only 6,000 years old. They don’t care if you can read or write. They don’t even care how badly you beat your wife. The fact of the matter is zombies just don’t care how backwards and out of touch you are with society, they only care about how good your face tastes. So that’s why it’s a good thing the government was able to get in there, vaporize the town and save DeQuincy before it got any worse.”
[Updated at 06-10-12 | 9:14 PM PDT] Ford Motor Company is proud to announce their new line of zombie proof cars being built specifically for the townspeople of DeQuincy. These cars make it easy to get around town while at the same time hiding from any zombies that still may be lurking in the shadows.
[Updated at 06-16-12 | 11:28 AM PDT] New music video for DeQuincy about the dangers of doing bath salts and then turning into a zombie.
[Updated at 07-01-12 | 10:55 PM PDT] Now that the zombies have completely taken over what is left of Dequincy, the homeless there have been forced to take drastic measures.
[Updated at 08-10-12 | 4:17 PM PDT] The zombies have begun to rebuild in Dequincy. Here are ad campaigns for the new Subway and McDonald’s that have just finished being built in the center of town.
[Updated at 06-05-12 | 6:14 AM PDT] A new zombie attack from bath salts in Louisiana. This time happening in Lafayette Parish, Louisiana.
[Updated at 06-12-12 | 5:27 PM PDT] The nonprofit organization Neighbors 4 Neighbors is accepting donations on behalf of Ronald Poppo, the man who’s face was eaten by a zombie in Florida on May 26th. They can be reached at (305) 597-4404. Jackson Memorial is also accepting donations via check at the following address:
Jackson Memorial Foundation
Park Plaza East
Suite G
901 NW 17th Street
Miami, FL 33136
This is an outrage. Priests giving our children bath salts??? I demand justice!
an outraeg I tells ya, I demand bath salts
This is an outrage I tell you! I demand children!
why would you even say that clearly your messed up in the head!!is it really funny you stupid retard oh hahahahaha congrats you just made some idiots think its cool. Your just amazing you idiot!!!!
Hey Papy, stfu or gtfo.
*You’re
People are dying and the only thing people can say is its a government conspiracy… well it’s not! Dequincy used to be my home, and now I’ve been forced to move somewhere else. These zombies ruined my life.
How about that load of forgiveness?! Lmao!
“tried to get him on his knees to beg for a load of his forgiveness”,”the cutest of all the alter boys” and they called him gay… Makes me glad im a athiest, ignorant people shall be ignorant that is all.
You said it brother, you said it
i read that part several times wondering, am III on bath salts or does this shit say what it says,….WOW
I’m Christian. Doesn’t mean I didn’t think this wasn’t fucked up. If priests were actually doing this I’d take them down myself. Either way, I don’t mind the drugs going.
No one is safe! Get these dangerous drugs off the street before everyone turns into a flesh eating zombie!
wow i agree well said
These bath salts need to be illegal NOW. AND WHY ARE PRIESTS GIVING THEM TO ALTER BOYS?!!! This needs to be investigated now!
KIDS! Be responsible with bath salts. Jeez
No one noticed how much the fuckin Bible thumpers were bashing him just for being gay… I mean thats fucked up, karma bitches, they all deserved to be eatin by they’re “gay” zombie.
Somebody needs to do something about this! These priests need to go to jail! A priest giving bath salts to cute alter boys… not cool. Not cool at all!
Zombies? Hide yo kids!
I knew there was something crazy going on in that little town, just didn’t know it was this.
This Bastard needs to be arrested before he kills more
Tthis is so messed up. Damn these bath salts!
Bitches be crazy!! Maybe I should be using bath salts to get my gay away!! Lolz
What no video at all? we can video and upload everything in the world to youtube but this somehow manages to go un filmed….yeah right….this is a false flag story to scare people into running for govt help…..an attempt to institute martial law for public safety…..
Or maybe it’s a joke.
If they made this as a joke, the people that live in the town find it funny. We want a bunch of weird ass zombie obsessed people coming here, how cool would that be. I don’t care who gets mad over my comments, but this is my hometown where my family lives and i think they should put all the fans of zombies here
Zombies are real? Scared now… thanks guys
I live in this town and we are all grateful for the resistance and military who stepped in and put an end to this horrible nightmare. We DONT EVEN HAVE A CHURCH ANYMORE…. but god willing, we will rebuild.
i agree this is funny as hell and that would be cool
This story is so scary! Zombies errrywhere!
I called that number and told the zombies to leave Dequincy alone!
These priests giving these drugs to these children need to be in prison. I demand justice!
gay zombies will be easier to deal with. all we need to do is hold cher concerts and they will all gather
This is so scary, my heart goes out to the family and friends of the victims in Dequincy.
Hey I’m from DeQuincy too. This is true. The church and everything else is gone
I live in dequincy and I can vouch for this story. I used to go to that Holy Lovers Methodist Church. I don’t know if there is any priests there giving alter boys bath salts, but this needs to be investigated. People need to be scared of zombies, they could be anywhere
I have friends and family in this town and I don’t live very far from it myself, so this really shakes me up. These priests can’t be allowed to turn kids into zombies by giving them drugs. What is wrong with society!
so is this story true or is it some kind of joke cause i haven’t seen any news channel talk about this? and if its true this can expand all over the city. what is the government going to do about this… im pretty sure they’re hidind something…
This is why we need to abolish religions! They are nothing but pure evil!
NO ONE IS SAFE! HIDE YO KIDS!
This is Obama’s fault! We need to get that idiot out of office so evil things like this don’t happen anymore
wow terry, you just embarrassed yourself.
You sound like the idiot, idiot!!
^^^^Stop blaming Obama for everything^^^^^ he is not making the bath salt and he Damn sure not making people do it fool
@luvstazz I don’t know… How do you know Obama’s not making them do it? Where is your proof? Just to be on the safe side, i say impeach Obama
well where is the proof that he is? Everyone wants to hate on the black man…when he was the one who stepped into all the problems that were caused by the ones before him. So you are saying Obama goes and has people to make bath salts and he then gives it to people??? You are out of your rabbit ass mind…lol
I’m not saying Obama is directly responsible for turning people into zombies with his bath salts, but it’s extremely possible. Obama and his zombie bath salt empire must be stopped before more people die
so now you are saying it’s Obamas bath salts. Damn some peoples children
It’s not Obama’s bath salts, like his personal stash or something, I never said that. I don’t think Obama does bath salts
I’m an officer on the force here and I can say that it’s been a rough day! I never seen so much carnage in my life! Where’s my peacock?
I’ve heard it’s a real blood bath over there in DeQuincy. Don’t be a hero. Save yourself!
Is there going to be anymore video or pictures?
That’s a great question. So far we just have the one video that’s playing above.
If anyone out there from DeQuincy can provide us with anymore pictures or videos, please contact us. As always you can remain anonymous.
Yeah I live here and it sucks Everything is rubble pretty much
Okay, everyone’s going on about these “Zombie” attacks. But it’s Cannibalism, not zombies. Stop freaking out about the zombie apocalypse. Zombies are undead beings that are flesh & blood hungry. None of these people were dead at the time of their crimes.
THIS IS TRUE!!! I live in DEQUINCY LOUISIANA!! This has been all over our local news and people in town have been talking about this non stop!!! I for one have never been to The Holy Lovers Methodist Church, but I hear it’s pretty nice. Paul Horner is a great chief of police and I know he’ll get this problem fixed.
Thanks for reporting in. Maybe stay in doors until they find the zombie. Keep you and your family safe!
Just finisehd my shift and DQ99 is 100 % right….the carnage is the worst I’ve ever seen. We are still looking for our beloved Peacock, he was last seen charging the group of mutated Gay Zombies that had been infected when Brandon attacked the Holy Lovers members….pics to follow…please pray for our town
Thanks for reporting in. Stay strong! Don’t worry about the Peacock… save yourself!
as the town’s animal control officer, i’ve seen dead things and these dead things are the worst. Our beloved peacock is still missing. If anyone sees the Peacock tell him I love him and to please come home.
I just received a report that the Peacock was last seen on Grape Street, he was chasing Brandon and has killed several of the Gay Zombies. Its quite hard because we don’t have zombie rounds and he is having to triple tap them….someone please send us some zombie rounds so we can conserve our ammo….we are running low and don’t know how much longer we can hold out…..p.s. if you see the Peacock give him a bottle of water, he is thirsty….more updates to follow
Thanks so much for the report! As DQ99 said, the town is getting low on zombie rounds and other supplies. If you’re interested in donating please call the The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line, as listed above in the article.
Phone: (785) 273-0325
Legalize weed and all of those bull sh it drugs makers will go broke. LEGALIZE MARIJUANA!!
Actually, even if weed was legalized, you’d have to be over eighteen/21 to purchase it.
I need to take my mom with me to buy cough medicine/ibuprofine because I’m only 17. They do this because kids would get high off it by ODing. Seriously, google this shit. Drug laws in Florida.
i live in DEQUINCY LOUISIANA, born and raised, and this is complete bullshit! There is no zombies here. Come and see for yourself
Nicole must have been bitten by a gay zombie, shes changing and don’t even know it, i bet she has our Peacock too.
That bit of intel was correct DQ77…Nicole had our Peacock….she has been bitten and started to change….but at the last moment, our beloved Peacock broke out and is back en route to link up with us at the pd……lay down covering fire and remember three shots one kill….
because if you recall in her earlier comment, “I live in dequincy and I can vouch for this story. I used to go to that Holy Lovers Methodist Church. I don’t know if there is any priests there giving alter boys bath salts, but this needs to be investigated. People need to be scared of zombies, they could be anywhere”, she is trying to lure unsuspecting food to the zombies…..don’t believe her don’t come, save yourselves
AAAAH! She’s infected. Stay away from Nicole!
I live in DQ this town is vaporized. I’m only able to write this from the safety of a nearby military base. This is complete and total TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“He was the CUTEST of all alter boys”
YEP
HE WAS THE GAY ONE ALRIGHT
Just saw the Peacock run pass Fraizer St….he’s almost in the blue zone…..i just gave him the much needed water…
Hello folks, I’m here to give you a quick status update of the horrible situation there. I can assure you this is going on in our town. I am currently 50 miles safely out of town and I warn everyone, do not attempt to go into DeQuincy for anything. Let The National Guard and military do it’s job. They are telling me that over %70 of everyone in DeQuincy is now a zombie. They warn us that these zombies will post on forums and message boards attempting to lure others into the town so they can dine on their flesh. DON’T FALL FOR THEIR TRICKS! Stay away from DeQuincy until this matter is resolved. God save DeQuincy!
This is Colonel Franklin with the National Guard, there is a pocket of resistance here in DeQuincy consisting of a small group from the police department, about 5 officers, and a group calling themselves the resistance for life, numbering 20. I am in contact with them via shortwave radio. They are telling us they are in the public safety building and out at the airport. I can confirm that roughly 85% of the population here has been infected. We still have not found the original zombie, Brandon Adams. Unless the resistance can stop and kill the infection, we will have to neutralize the town. Please stay away from DeQuincy. God save us all.
I hope this post makes it through. I am holed up in the railroad museum park bathrooms. I don’t know how much longer I can post because my phone is about to die. Die is such a harsh metaphor. Well anyway, the heat seems to keep them at bay. But when the sun goes down it’s a feeding frenzy. Since human food has become scarce, the bigger zombies are eating the smaller weaker ones. I’m afraid that I will not be saved and have given up hope. Please if this post makes it out som……………..
Please try to stay safe Bob. Our thoughts and prayers are with you tonight. This will hopefully all be over soon
This is Colonel Franklin with the National Guard. I am in contact with a small resistance from the police department, 5 officers and a group calling themselves the resistance for life, about 20 members. They are in the public safety building and at the airport. I can confirm that about 85% of the population of DeQuincy has been infected. I am in contact with the resistance via shortwave radios. Unless the resistance can contain and destroy the virus, we will have to destroy the town.
We just lost our honorable warden. He stepped outside to smoke and was attacked. We are now down to 5 people. One bright spot is that we have found a group of about 20 people at the airport, and are in contact with them and a colonel franklin from the national guard. We stay in contact with each other with shortwave radios. Also our beloved Peacock made it back to us. Night time is the worst and as I post this, I can hear the growls and screams.
Stay strong bob, we’re sending in the peacock
Hey bob hang in there. I just hooked up with the peacock and three midgets we just took out a munch of zombies well I don’t know what u would call a group of zombies but I figured a munch would cover at least the 20 we took down at the ball park. The peacock is safe and thanks u all for the prayers and the water and 99 the peacock wants u to man up and join the fight. Got to go we just got spotted by a munch of zombies one of my midgets made noise and attracted them it’s go time
You all are so brave! God bless you all
I have zombie rounds, I have zombie rounds! !!!!!!!!!! But I’m surrounded, send help, I’m locked in killers pawn shop
Supplies are dwindling. Items currently needed are water, food, weapons, zombie rounds and any animals that can be used as bait to lure the zombies out of their hiding spots. Please call The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line (785) 273-0325 for more information and how to donate.
i have lived here in Dequincy for 20 years and today was no different than any other day…..well except the meat made from cows at McDonalds is now made from human flesh. But we will rebuild!
Wtf is this shit? If its legit someone put up a pic of the horde or some dead guy or something.
This is real! I’m scared for my life! I swear I’m not a zombie trying to trick you all. Please help!
Sure hope you made it out in time Nicole before your town got nuked. How sad
Not cool to just vaporize a town. WTF?
I will be reporting this website for a recommendation of a medal or something. It kept everyone informed of the zombie attack in DeQuincy. It probably saved a lot of lives too. I’m mad that they vaporized the town, but what can you do I guess.
Thank you Super Official News!
It’s probably the government doing this. Trying to cover their tracks after vaporizing your town. I’d be pissed too
I think you’re still a zombie trying to trick us
Nicole I deffiantly agree, I’m going to report this website as well for a medal. They sure deserve it
How can the government just come in and “vaporize” a town? I demand an investigation into this. This is not right. I DEMAND JUSTICE!
All those people are dead? How sad
This is BOB…..the Peacock and I made it out….we where able to ride two llamas out of the blast area. The llamas where dropped in as bait to lure the zombies……The resistance went down fighting…they should be hailed as true heroes….please don’t let your children take bath salts…..this is my last post as i am going to the mountains somewhere to raise llamas….i will however put a plan in motion for a memorial wall to dequincy…..
Thanks Bob, you’re a brave man. Best of luck to you, the Peacock and the llamas. Don’t worry about DeQuincy. Eventually over a long enough period of time something like this was bound to happen. Take care friend and god speed
What a day glad its over looks like its time to make a sweep let’s roll peacock
There is nothing to worry about in dequincy anymore. The town is dust. Call the gas stations and a couple of the local businesses there. Give them a call sometime. Seriously people… there is nothing there.
Mr. Phelps….. Not nice dude.
Agreed!
I made it out of the safe in killers pawn shop, where did the town go? Last thing i remember was a big blast as i closed the door to the safe. I’m the only one in whats left of DeQuincy!!!! Water got to find water
I’m OUTRAGED! I’m a Zombie, and I take offense at the aspersions being cast on Zombies. I mean, they’re saying “Zombie” like it’s a BAD thing! Zombies are people too. And, by the way, some of my best friends are gay Zombies.
I agree, I’m going to report this website. I don’t like the way it portrays being a zombie. My whole family is zombies and I find this article extremely offensive! I demand justice!
I made it out too, somehow. I remember running into a house, finding a refrigerator, taking out all of the food, getting in and closing the door. Then I blacked out. thank god I’m safe and the zombies are dead
I’ve been buying up all the bath salts in Arizona so a zombie attack doesn’t happen here. I currently have about 100 tons of bath salts in my garage. Some would call me a hero, others like the DEA would probably call me a drug kingpin. It’s all in how you look at it.
This site predicted the actual zombie attack in Louisiana from bath salts? Weird
For the creator’s of the websites, I give you a huge thumbs up. For the ones who are spazzing out, read the disclaimer on the bottom of the page, you nit wits.
“All trademarks, products and service names on this website are the property of their respective owners. © 2012 Super Official News, all rights reserved. Paul Horner is an American hero. This entire site is pretty much just a resume containing a collection of my writings for the off chance that the Onion ever happens to stop by. Until then just remember, if it’s on the internet it must be true.”
Looks like the disclaimer at the bottom has been modified some lol Probably because of Nicole and Teresa on here hahaha
All trademarks, products and service names on this website are the property of their respective owners. © 2012 Super Official News, all rights reserved. Paul Horner is an American hero. Lulz killing of any kind will not be tolerated. If you are caught being a buzzkill, your comment can be altered or deleted. This entire site is pretty much just a resume containing a collection of my writings for the off chance that the Onion ever happens to stop by. Until then just remember, if it’s on the internet it must be true.
Also, it’s funny it says, “Paul Horner is an American hero”. Who’s Paul Horner? Then I started reading some of the articles here. There is a guy named Paul Horner in EVERY story lol
& By the way, a hotline has more than 1 lines theres no way its busy for that long . If it was it was say all of our operators are busy witb other customers please hold. So unperfessional honey. Get it together. You suck terribly at this don’t you ?
Teresa, I know DeQuincy is working with the top authorities in Louisiana to get more lines set up. It’s just a real mess there right now in DeQuincy. Just be patient and stay strong. Everything should be good shortly
god can forgive him for killing 7 victims burning down a church and injuring 6 victims. but being gay. thats a big no no! lol when i saw this i couldn’t help but laugh even if it was sad that those people died. it just shows how people are still homophobes even in interviews! now if you will excuse me i am going down to the local pharmacy to buy some bath salts and find some small children to play with.
Ok, This shit HAS to be illegal now. I’m warning everyone about Five Hour Energy
I live in Dequincy, and just woke up to my sister calling me freaking out because se saw this and freaked out and almost wrecked with her 3 year old daughter. I didn’t want to tell her the truth of what’s really going on, so I had to lie. Anyway, the military only gives us access to one hour a week of internet here at this military base in DeQuincy that didn’t get destroyed, so I gotta go now. I love ya sister
It was good not to worry your sister. Stay strong Steve, stay strong
Wow. I hope your “news story” gets found and given an award. This is the best thing I’ve ever read!
I agree Sammy!
Seriously, what’s the point in living anymore. Dequincy is gone. The government nuked my trailer and all my girly magazines. Damn you zombies! DAMN YOU!
He has enough probloms bein black imagen a black zombie president lol
This is real, I live 15 mins from dequincy. Town’s destroyed. No zombies.
Bunch of pathetic people, glad Dequincy is gone… damn crooked cops and alot of beer drinkers!
It is so freaking serious in Dequincy right now. This is true. I live in Dequincy! Save yourselves!
This shit is real i live in dequincy…. we dont even have a church anymore. Also our police chief didn’t make it, RIP. I am drinkin a cold beer sittin in the middle of town which is now a pile of rubble. I havent heard or seen no damn Zombies since we nuked them all. i promise you this aint the town for no zombie anymore….. And get your shit straight people, we can’t let this happen again. Dequincy will rebuild!
Ok everyone, I’m a citizen of this small town called DeQuincy where there has been zombie attacks. This is all true. If anyone knew about what happened it would be me. This is true. DeQuincy is not being over run by zombies anymore… we nuked them all
I live in DeQuincy and there have been no zombie attacks since the nuclear explosion. I just want to say one word to the brave members from the resistance and the government…. Thank you
Thats 2 words >.<
My human form didn’t write this… BRAAAAAAAaaaains!
hahahaha
that chick is such a loser^^^
Sweet I can finally post here and tell everyone how bad it is in DeQuincy. They don’t even have stores where I can buy all my herpes medication and douche products at anymore. I don’t even know where to pick up my well fair check. Damn you zombies!
Damn, I feel for you girl. Hang in there and stay strong!
dude wtf thats my gf -.-
I’m just sure glad you guys both made it out alive. That’s a damn miracle!
Poor thing
dem herpies
I LOVE DEQUINCY!!!
Let me just go rob the 7/11 an get me a case of bud an one of them there round cans of baccur sit on my front porch with my wife who’s also my sister and get my face chewed a little bit a huh.;) DeQuincy is the greatest fuck the haters.
seth you can go suck a dick
This is VERYYYYYYY FUNNY!
ALL of this is real, come by and look for yourself, and if youre too pussy than just look it up on google maps. I live in dequincy and this is all true.
I live in dequincy… thank god the zombies are gone. I can finally laugh again. This is funny i wont lie
Dequincy is gone..goneeee…nothing but ashes..it was a shitty town anyways!!
Shit is getting craaaaazy here in dequincy. I live here and y’all s stupid for not beleavein this
Ok, I really do live in DeQuincy and this is hilarious, I’m loving all the people on facebook getting mad because of this article and I’m taking it as a joke and laughing at it because I don’t have an evil buttbug
An evil buttbug?
Fairly Odd Parents? Have you ever watched it? If not you wouldn’t get it but that’s why Vicky is so mean all the time
Nope, never seen it. I thought you said an evil butt plug lol
Take care, and be safe there in DeQuincy. I hear zombies are afraid of evil butt plugs so you might want to look into getting one of those
They most certainly are afraid of evil butt plugs, especially the gay ones, luckily my house was out of the blast zone thank goodness but now all of my friends are either zombies or vaporized, darn
I’m just so glad to hear that you’re safe. I’m sorry to hear about your vaporized friends… but I hear the zombies are starting to mutate and become more friendly. Give them a chance. Maybe this is all for the better
I’m sorry but this shit is HILARIOUS…lol…can’t help but laugh… I’ve lived in in DeQuincy my whole life and never have I heard any shit like this….NUKED.?!?!?! REALLY.?!?!? Hahahaha…….and all Yall dumbasses believing it…get real Bro.! Lmfao
Dude I love your stores. I can’t believe some of these lame asses here
Compulsive liars here. Dequincy has zombies. Bath salts do turn them into zombies. Dequincy has been nuked. Dequincy doesn’t have a church anymore because of all this. Now all we do is get drunk and beat the sh*t out of zombies.
The zombies have all been nuked. We will rebuild!
Y’all are a bunch of retards. I live right by dequincy.. that place is dust man. There was zombies there for a second but there aint no more. Why would a church give kids drugs like that? Not cool man, not cool
this sh*t is stupid. I live in dequincy and the government is lying there asses off. They blows up are town and now what? What are wes suposed to do now?
Gosh. Im sorry but What the heck why would they give them that. BATH SALT.Ugh its like don’t give drugs to anybody even if its a little bit. You don’t know what might happen. But I don’t think its a “Zombie” i think it because of drugs. Smh
This is the funniest thing I’ve ever read. The way the priest talks about the boys and the bath salts ha…. this world is a messed up place, and any kind of humor really mean s a lot
You need to truly get a life. Americans are NOT stupid people. Not NEW YORKERS anyway. Obama IS a failure as a president and GOD does in fact EXIST. You are the one who has no wisdom at all. I dont like the fact that you are POSTING untrue comments from ficticious people. That pisses me off.
hello? hello? uuummmm hellllo? this is no JOKE people! this is real news…come on! Zombies are real…unfortunately cannibalism is too but this event happened!
Seriously? I don’t know what to believe. This is freaky stuff. I hope it’s not true! I’ve contacted Mystic Investigations & asked them if it’s true! Since they would probably be the first to know of such disasters. I did try calling a few businesses in that area. two were out of service the last one I called a man did pick up. I hung up! Should have told him why I was calling so late. I’m beginning to wonder if someone laced the bath salts with a zombie virus. The governments least favorite people are drug addicts. I’m sure if there ever did have plans of infecting the populations. They’d begin with the least desired people. Not saying that’s what they’re doing. Just a theory.. That I hope is false! I don’t want to believe that. If it is true.. I wonder if the new world order has begun. Great way to get the tax payers scared enough to run into there power. Is it worse to be a slave of the Illuminati New world order? or running from zombies? What a choice. Let’s hope none of it is true. I’m keeping a close eye on the news. I’m sure they will do there best to cover it up if it is true! I’ve said enough.
DB – I take it they never blew the town up? So what is going on there? I’m going to call someone there tomorrow. Since it’s 11:30pm here now. Too late to ask dumb questions such as.. Are there really zombies in your town? LOL they will laugh at me if this is a hoax. And I will sit here feeling like the dumb ars who actually called and asked such a dumb question. lol I’m sure I’m not the only one calling there.
I really do hope it is a hoax.. Because if there is any truth to this. So many people have died.
For what? Because of bath salts. What a waste of life! Also, I agree they should be banned. Illegal. And what shocks me the most.. Churches are administrating this into children. They have no right! Gay or not. Wow.. This ticks me off!!! Who do they think they are? Gay people have the right to be gay.. that was such a prejudice thing to say about gays. People like the priests and church people who follow morons like him. WILL and Should burn in HELL. If I have anything to say about it they will. For there ignorance. I believe in Gay rights. I’m not gay.. But no one has that authority to judge anyone! Only the God.. As a matter of fact .. God himself has come to Earth as a man & woman. What does that make him? Perhaps there really is no real sex. only compassion of the being. Think about it!
Call them and report back if you can. Priests shouldn’t be allowed to give bath salts to children just because it helps get the gay out of their system. I demand justice!
TELL EM GIRL
I just did a News search on Google. There is so much zombie out breaks from bath salts occurring. What is going on? Really?
Yes I will be investigating this on my own tomorrow. I will report back here ASAP! With my results, And let you all know if this is a HOAX or true! I’m thinking perhaps if there is any truth to this story! Maybe about the Priest and the poor boy who had a bad trip on the bath salts. I hope it’s not a zombie outbreak. If someone in DeQuincy Louisiana tells me there is really zombies there. I then will believe.
I should know within 48hrs.. from now. I will let you know. I pray it is a hoax. Seriously.
Godspeed!
My mother must have died in rhe explosion because I haven’t seen her in a while. I have no food and my dog with cancer is my only company….hope I dont get eatin.
Any updates? I’m so sorry about what happened there
these people just show how psycho society really is…….
these people just show how psycho society really is……
If there was really an explosion evryone wud b dead… maybe the media need to start looking into dat
Mayb they shud… I spell stupid, probably because the bath salts or zombies already got most of my brain
This story is very real. Search it on google. Cnn spoke on two nights ago. I live a haf hour from the blast radious in the city of lake charles and heard the blast from my backyard. A schoolbus of children was attacked yesterday by what we presume to be an escaped zombie who survived the blast or left before. All passengers became infected, most were killed. Three paremts arrived onscene before police arrived and remover 5 infected children. These children have yyet to be found by police. Here we go…
Zombie siting in lake charlrs near dequincy!
all the dumbasses that think this isn’t real… I’m living it right now. Nightmare life
My prayers and thoughts go out to the victims of Dequincy!
Seems similar to the crazies. Maybe a government plane with a chemical bomb fell over there somewhere. Or maybe god wanted to destroy a place where priests of a church were giving bath salts to alter boys. He should have given them mariguana -_-
i know thats what my preacher does
I will tell you what you all need to do is get in tune with what the hell these bath salts are, seriously people who take bath salts are going coo coo for coco puffs
WHY DO YOU CARE IF HES GAY ??? i have lost of gay friends they are awesome , if you say that he is going to hell for being gay then your going to hell for being such an ASS! it says ” I was trying to get him on his knees to beg for a load of my forgiveness, “
I love this story. So scary
I pray for the friends and family members of Dequincy. What a horrible tragedy.
This story scared me. I’m gonna go out and smoke actual bath salts.
As a member and administrator of the Zombie Resistance Group, I and our members stand with the survivors of DeQuincy and the good people of Lake Charles. But we’ll stand with you from way over here, thanks. Oh, and Bob? I wanna hang with you. I have weapons, ammo, booze, Orios and food for the peacock and llamas…
Stay strong!
their supposed to be PRIESTS not dealers in gowns! seriously and at what point does a person think you know what im gay imma eat yo face! also the priest that gave hm the salts lives surely he’d be the first to die imm search this place up on googkle maps if i see a decimated area ill know whether its true or not 😛 and if im honest this entire story does seem far fetched even though it does have some level of evidence i just struggle to see that theyd actually put up a poster for subway zombies eat flesh i mean somethings up with that….subways never had a good slogan like that ever
ok for the ppl too know.this is not bath salt it a virtus place in the bath salt.you can find out more if you look in to the bath salt orgens o so you come to a dead end? that right where does bath salt comes fome? if the FBI looks in to it thay will fine that it come fome cuba..but it’s not made there that is where i lost track of where i made.i’m sorry it not sefe for me where i’m at bye
Okay this may be like a really stupid question, but is this true? Cause if so this is amazingly hilarious, and if not I am screwed cause I told all my friends about it and my dad LAWL…. “I made him get on his knees and beg for a LOAD of forgiveness” priceless… beautiful amazing
Those zombies were already gay.
It’s BS! You guys are being tricked by the Illuminati! These are NOT zombies, they are members of the Al-Qaeda terrorist organization! They are secretly storing WMDs in hidden bunkers underground. It is very lucky Obama’s bombs didn’t reach the bunker, or all of America would be destroyed. I know Saddam Hussein is behind this, and we, America, WILL find him, and bring him to justice. God Bless America.
I am George W Bush, and I approve of this message.
yep tell them the TRUTH!
What the hell is wrong with you people? DQ is a crazy town that is top on gossip, but don’t know wtf it has to do with faggets and churchs.
YOUR OBVIOUSLY GAY YOURSELF BECAUSE YOUR RIDING HOMOSEXUALS DICKS!
FIRST OFF WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY TO SAY HOMOSEXUALITY IS AN ABOMINATION TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR FUCKIN SELVES YOU WOULDNT NO A DISCRACE TO SOCIETY IF IT WAS RIGHT THERE IN YOUR FUCKIN FACE!!!!YOU FAKE ASS PRIEST HOW THE FUCK IS IT THAT ALOT OF THE ZOMBIE ATTACKS ARE DUE TO “DEMONIC POSSESION LKIKE OCCURENCES AND YOUR DOING NOTHING BUT WELCOMING THE DEVIL YOURSELF YOU DUMB FUCK INSTEAD OF JUDGING EVERYONE ELSE YOU SHOULD LEAVE THAT UP TO GOD WHOS THE REAL JUDGE OF HUMANITY..IGNORANCE IS ONLY THE BEGINNING AND YU HAVE NO IDEA
AND IF YOU REALLY WANNA GET TECHNICAL THERES MORE STORIES IN THE PAPER BOUT A GAY CHILD MOLESTING PRIEST THAN THERE IS ABOUT GAY COUPLES! AND OH YEAH HAHAHAHAHA ASSWHOLE YOU SHOULD STICK TO YOUR DAYTIME JOB how the fuck you gone try to change someone eles life when all yu did is destroy it who gives yu the fuckin right to portray yurself as god!
that just made my day…. fuckin funny shit… man u gotta lot of time on your hands.
bahahahahhahahahhahahahaha dumb-to-the-asses.