The Big Lewbowski 2 Announced: Filming Begins January 2015

October 10, 2014 by Leave a Comment
The Big Lewbowski 2

The Big Lebowski 2 has been announced starring Jeff Bridges, John Goodman and Bill Murray.

Hollywood, CA — Exciting news for Big Lebowski fans around the world as a sequel to the cult classic has just been announced.

Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, directors of the first Lebowski movie, confirmed with E! Online they will both be returning to direct the sequel.

“We’re thrilled to be coming back to film a second part to this classic movie,” Ethan Coen said. “For years we’ve been staying away from doing this project but when we received this new script and the cast fell into place, it was a no-brainer. We just had to do it.”

Gage Luce, who helped write the new script, spoke with CNN to shed light on the plot behind the highly anticipated sequel.

“Now 17 years later, Maude Lewbowski (played by Julianne Moore) informs The Dude (Jeff Bridges) that they conceived a son together and that he has been kidnapped. The Dude teams up with his estranged brother, played by actor Bill Murray, and fellow bowling partner Walter Sobchak (John Goodman) to track down the child’s whereabouts.”

Murray spoke with TMZ and said he is excited to play a main character in the upcoming Lebowski sequel.

“I always loved the first movie, so when the Coen brothers approached me and offered me the role of The Dude’s long lost brother, I couldn’t say no,” Murray said. “I’ve been fortunate enough to read the entire screenplay and I can say without a doubt old and new fans are going be in for a real treat.” Murray continued, “I’m embarrassed to say that I thought I was working with the Coen brothers when I voiced the Garfield movie back in 2004, but that turned out to be Joel Cohen and not Joel Coen. At least I know I’m working with the right Coen brothers this time.”

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Ray Rice And Wife Janay Announce Charity Cage Match In Las Vegas

September 10, 2014 by Leave a Comment
Ray Rice cage match in Las Vegas

Poster for the Rice vs. Rice cage match being held in Las Vegas at the MGM Grand next month. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Las Vegas, NV — Just days after the elevator knockout heard around the world, Ray Rice and wife Janay have announced a charity cage match to help abused women in India.

“This is for a really good cause,” Janay Rice told reporters. “We’re going to turn this negativity into something positive. The money raised from this will help thousands of women in India get a proper education, shelter, food, help in getting out of abusive relationships, rape counseling and much more!”

MGM Grand spokesman Paul Horner told CNN he is excited about the upcoming event. “Tickets went on sale this morning for the ‘Elevator Showdown’ and we’re already more than halfway sold out. This is something everyone wants to see because the elevator video we all saw wasn’t enough. Society’s taste for violence will be satisfied next month when these two meet in the cage to settle their differences once and for all. This is going to be the cage match of the century!”

Rice told reporters he’s looking forward to the cage match being held at the MGM Grand next month.

“This time she’s not going to be able to just fall on the ground and act like she’s knocked out. If she tries that again it’s really going to be lights out for her. I’ll teach her to respect a man,” Rice said. “I’m really excited about how much money this will raise to help woman in India that are in abusive relationships.”

“In the video people saw that I was only able to hit Ray in the face a few times, but that’s nothing,” Janay told reporters. “On October 24th, I’ll get my revenge. After I’m done with him I’ll make sure he can’t walk right. It’s not like he’ll be playing football any time soon.” Janay laughs.

The Baltimore Ravens, who cut Rice on Monday, donated five thousand Ray Rice jerseys to a local battered women’s shelter. What the woman will do with the jerseys is still unclear.

Vegas oddsmakers so far have Rice winning the cage match but insiders say a knockout by Janay is extremely possible with that paying out 7-1. Giveindia.org gives 90% of the money it collects directly to the cause of helping women in India. The ‘Elevator Showdown’ is scheduled for 5 rounds and will be held at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Nevada at 8pm on October 24th. Tickets can be purchased online or by calling (785) 273-0325.

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Breaking Bad Season 6 Announced; Begins Shooting January 2015

August 24, 2014 by Leave a Comment

Hollywood, CA — Breaking Bad fans around the world are celebrating the stunning, glorious and amazing news announced today: Walter White is not dead, and there will indeed be a sixth season of the wildly-popular, award-winning AMC drama.

This shocking and exciting news comes not from an internet message board or the rumor mill but from series creator Vince Gilligan. In an exclusive CNN interview this afternoon, Gilligan dropped the bombshell.

“Walter White is not dead, and neither is Breaking Bad,” said the 47-year-old writer, director, and executive producer of the groundbreaking show.

“We’ve kept it under wraps for months, now the cat’s out of the bag: Season 6 is coming, and it’s going to be epic and true to the fans that have followed the show so incessantly.”

Gilligan explained his decision to continue with the popular series.

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Woman Stoned To Death For Working On The Sabbath; Church Takes Bible Literally

August 16, 2014 by Leave a Comment
Alabama Church takes Bible literally. Woman stoned to death for working on Sunday or the Sabbath.

Reverend Paul Horner, seen here, leading his congregation in singing ‘Amazing Grace’ in memory of Brandy Hull. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Huntsville, AL — A 31-year-old pregnant woman, wife and mother of three, was brutally murdered after she was seen working on Sunday, or the Sabbath, by a fellow member of the church.

Brandy Hull, a devoted member of ‘Paul Church’, a church which takes the Bible literally, was working at ‘Hank’s Bass Pro Shop’ on Sunday when she was confronted by churchgoer Richard Mayo. Employees say a heated argument broke out which forced store manager Steve Wesby to intervene and remove Mayo from the premises. When Hull left work later that day, that is when Mayo attacked the woman. Mayo began throwing large rocks at Hull until she was bludgeoned to death.

Mayo killed Hull based on the Bible’s teachings of verse Exodus 31:15 which says that for six days work is to be done, but the seventh day is a day of Sabbath rest, holy to the Lord. Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day is to be put to death.

Detective Thomas Kelly held a press conference on the church’s steps to discuss the case and answer questions for reporters. “At this time we believe 58-year-old Richard Charles Mayo acted alone. There is no evidence of other individuals who were involved or conspired with Mayo to carry out this horrible act.”


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Governor Jan Brewer Pardons Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin For Masturbating In Public

July 12, 2014 by Leave a Comment
Jan Brewer pardons Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin AKA Paul Horner

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer seen here making the pardon for Paul Horner AKA Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin official / Photo courtesy of PhotosByJoseMunoz.com

Phoenix, AZ — Arizona Governor Jan Brewer announced her controversial decision today granting a full pardon to 35-year-old Phoenix resident Paul Horner, known to his thousands of followers as Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin. Horner made world news last month after his ironic arrest for public masturbation.

“I did a lot of soul searching before making this decision,” Brewer told CNN. “We all make mistakes in life. When it comes down to it, we must ask ourselves, would a person like Mr. Horner be better for society locked up behind bars or outside helping the children of this great country learn about the dangers of masturbation? I think the question answers itself.”

Horner, who was arrested last month outside Metta Yoga in Phoenix after employees notified police about a man with no pants on peering through office windows, said he is thrilled with the governor’s decision. “This makes Fappy® very happy,” Horner told reporters. “To be honest I would have been fine either way, in jail, out of jail, it doesn’t matter; my message always stays the same. The prisons in Arizona are just a hotbed of self-rape, that I had planned to fix. Maybe I’ll get a chance to do this the next time I get arrested.” Horner continued, “Thank you Jan Brewer, you are now a member of team Fappy® and we’re glad to have you!”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now spoke with reporters about the future of the organization after this recent setback. “Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy® has helped tens of thousands of adults and children learn about living a masturbation-free lifestyle. During all his years of visiting schools around the world, Fappy® has collected thousands of signatures from children promising never to masturbate; he has done great things,” Childs said. “It’s a shame how the media had portrayed Fappy® after the arrest. Paul Horner is a great man. He is passionate about his work, he loves being Fappy®, he loves the kids. They even have a nickname for him, they call him the tickle monster. That all could have been ruined by some trumped-up charges by the Phoenix five-oh. Arizonans are lucky to have such a fine governor like Brewer, one who steps in like that to help those who are really in need. She’s a magical woman and loves everyone, of course except the blacks, Mexicans and the gays. Praise Jan Brewer! Praise Fappy®!”

Many governors are reluctant to grant pardons. The reason, according to analysts, is mostly political. Statistically, if you are convicted of a felony in Arizona, you are more likely to be struck by lightning than granted clemency by the governor. Excluding the cases of inmates nearing the end of a terminal illness, Brewer is on track to grant the fewest clemency cases in more than two decades — even when a judge and unanimous board recommend a shorter sentence. What made the governor have a change of heart with Fappy®, one may never know.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach both children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. For more information or if you would like the group to visit your child’s school call (785) 273-0325.

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Samsung Pays Apple $290 Million Fine With Quarters – 90 Semi Trucks Full Of Them

December 23, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Samsung pays entire $290 million fine to Apple in quarters.

Cupertino, CA — This morning Apple’s headquarters in California received quite the surprise when 90 semi-trucks filled with quarters arrived at their front entrance. Initially the security company that protects the facility told the drivers they were at the wrong place. Minutes later, Apple CEO, Tim Cook, received a call from Samsung CEO, Kwon Oh Hyun, explaining that this is how they intend to pay the $290 million fine recently ruled against the South Korean company – all in quarters, 1,160,000,000 of them.

The signed document of the lawsuit does not specify a payment method, so Samsung is rightfully entitled to pay Apple however they see fit.

In August 2012, a jury awarded Apple over $1 billion in damages in their patent infringement case against Samsung. This sparked a story that Samsung paid the fine to Apple entirely in nickels — sending 30 trucks full of nickels to their headquarters. A picture also circulated showing coins pouring down a ramp in a warehouse along with video of delivery trucks driving down a city street.

All of this made for an interesting story, but unfortunately it never happened. At the time, the fine was not payable because the judge had not made his ruling yet. U.S. District Judge Lucy Koh ordered a retrial to determine damages for 13 products after the previous jury awarded Apple $1.05 billion, which she decided was miscalculated.


In November a decision by a new jury was announced ordering Samsung to pay Apple $290 million. Hyun who did not agree with the ruling, was so moved by the billion dollars nickel hoax, he decided to pay the $290 million fine in quarters.

“We have paid the $290 million fine the judge ordered. It took 90 semi trucks full of quarters to do it. We now consider this matter closed,” Hyun told CNN.

Hyun was asked by reporters if he regrets his actions. “No, not at all. Maybe this will give Apple employees change to use for the vending machines,” Hyun chuckled.

Paul Horner, who is a spokesman for Apple, told reporters Samsung’s actions are uncalled for. “Samsung showed their true colors today. What they did was immature and extremely unprofessional. If this is how they do business it amazes me they have been around for as long as they have.”

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Filed Under: Entertainment, Funny news, Internet Tagged With: ,

‘Duck Dynasty’ Phil Robertson’s Gay Lover Speaks Out For The First Time

December 19, 2013 by Leave a Comment
War on Christmas

Phil Robertson from “Duck Dynasty”

OUT, a popular gay and lesbian magazine, announced it will be publishing an exclusive interview with Phil Robertson‘s alleged gay lover of 12-years.

The magazine released a preview of the upcoming article to various media sources today.

“Phil’s always trying to hide me from the media. I like to blow on Duck whistles too,” 35-year-old Paul Horner told OUT. “He’s just so ashamed of me. Jeez, we’ve been together exclusively for 12 years now. You would think that’s enough time, but not for Phil I guess.”

The 67-year-old “Duck Dynasty” star was suspended by A&E Wednesday for calling homosexuality sinful — and putting gay people in same category as bestiality and terrorists. While those quotes quickly went viral, it wasn’t his only brow-raising statement in the interview; he also implied that African Americans were happier living under Jim Crow laws.


“I never, with my eyes, saw the mistreatment of any black person. Not once,” the reality star said of growing up in pre-Civil-Rights-era Louisiana. “Where we lived was all farmers. The blacks worked for the farmers. I hoed cotton with them. I’m with the blacks, because we’re white trash. We’re going across the field … They’re singing and happy. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, ‘I tell you what: These doggone white people’ — not a word!”

Robertson continued, “Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues.”

Needless to say, that hasn’t gone over well either. A spokesperson for the NAACP shared a copy of the letter that they, along with the Human Rights Campaign, sent to “Duck Dynasty” network A&E. In addition to asking for the network to “denounce and repudiate Robertson’s comments,” they demanded that Robertson “apologizes for his vitriolic comments.”

After hearing the gay rumors about Robertson, Twitter users were quick to start using the hashtag #ComeOutPhil.

OUT’s tell-all interview with Phil Robertson’s gay lover hits newsstands January 2nd.

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India Ends Diplomatic Relations With The U.S. Over Satirical Article

November 8, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Rape Festival in India

Image of the Assam Rape Festival news article on the National Report website.

Assam, INDIA — People in India are outraged by a satirical article that appeared on an American website reporting a rape festival taking place in India’s northeastern state of Assam. “We rape the evil demons out of the girls, otherwise they will cheat on us and we will be forced to kill them. So it is a win-win for everyone,” says the article published by the National Report.

Daarun Gupta who is the Assistant Commissioner of the Assam Police CID’s cyber crime cell told reporters the Indian Government has taken up a sue moto case holding the National Report and the author of the story accountable.

“It is a sensitive issue that clearly violates India’s cyber crime statutes and we have taken up the matter with the public prosecutor in New Delhi,” Gupta said. “We have requested an arrest warrant for the author and are asking the United States Government for extradition rights so that he may be prosecuted to the fullest extent of India law.” Gupta continued, “We are working around the clock with our top government officials, police agencies and lawyers to makes sure all parties are held accountable. This injustice will not go unpunished.”
Dr. Manmohan Singh who is the Prime Minister of India on Twitter posting about the Rape Festival
Today Dr. Manmohan Singh who is the Prime Minister of India held a press conference to address the issue. “This defiant act against the great people of India will not be tolerated, America has gone too far this time. This rape festival story is not funny whatsoever. The country of India is ending it’s diplomatic relations with the United States until we have received a sincere apology from President Barack Obama. The sacred country of India demands satisfaction!”

The National Report who published the article said the story was meant to highlight the very serious issue of rape in India while at the same time raising money for the woman of India through a charity called Give India, which is listed at the bottom of the article. While the story has led to all kinds of threats of violence and criminal/legal action against the author and site owner, one group from India returened the favor by publishing a story about America titled, “The Great American Mass Shooting Festival Begins Next Week” which has since gone viral.

Since the article appeared on the National Report website, GiveIndia.org who is the charity promoted at the bottom of the article has received over 2,000 unique visitors. The charity gives 90% – 95% of the money that is donated directly to the cause of helping women in India. This money provides them with proper education, shelter, food, help in getting out of abusive relationships, rape counseling and much more. GiveIndia.org is in no way associated with or responsible for the story or the views expressed in it.


34-year-old Jimmy Rustling from Phoenix, Arizona who is the author of the article told CNN the story was meant to raise awareness about the serious issue of rape in India while raising money for the woman that live there. “My story is an exaggeration of the truth. Most woman in India can’t get help or contact the police. If they get raped it shames their family, or the court finds that it was their fault because of the way they dressed, or they don’t believe in god hard enough, or there wasn’t enough witnesses, or they get stoned to death by reporting the rape, the list goes on and on. I can only imagine how many reported rapes there would actually be in India if they treated woman like human beings, having the same rights as men, instead of objects that are married slaves. Hopefully my article is a wake-up call to them. Get tough on rape India, stop allowing men to do this, this is what most of the world thinks of you. There could never be a “Dallas Rape Festival”, that would make no sense. Yes, there is rape that happens in the city of Dallas, but are they known for that? Of course not. It wouldn’t make any sense.” Rustling continues, “We only approved comments that believed the hoax. That was only 50 comments out of 10,000 or more. It’s my story and I feel the comments add to it. You can’t just ruin it for everybody by letting them know it’s a hoax. Also, I wrote at least 25 out of those 50 comments just to get things going. So that leaves just 25 comments by really stupid people. Watch out when you’re walking in a cross walk or on the street, basically whenever you’re outside your house. You never know who you will run into or how low their IQ will be.”

The “India Rape Festival” was posted on November 2nd and went viral with various social media outlets. As of today the story has over four hundred shares on Facebook. Mr. Rustling went into hiding early Friday morning fearing for his life but not before stating, “Can’t we all just get along?”

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WANT TO HELP THE WOMEN IN INDIA? THEN DO SOMETHING!

Giveindia.org gives 90%-95% of the money that you donate directly to the cause of helping women in India. This money provides them with proper education, shelter, food, help in getting out of abusive relationships, rape counseling and much more! NOTE: GiveIndia.org is in no way associated with or responsible for this article or the views expressed in it.

Click here to donate

Funny news

UPDATE 11/9/13: Woman of India, it’s your fault.

UPDATE 11/13/13:
Top India police official says, “If you can’t prevent rape, you enjoy it.”


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City In Louisiana Makes ‘Twerking’ Illegal – 30 Days In Jail For First Offense

September 16, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Twerking illegal in Louisiana

Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke twerking at the MTV VMAs last month.

DeQuincy, LA — The dance craze twerking has become such a problem in the small town of DeQuincy, Louisiana that city officials have made it illegal.

Maynard Wilkens who is the Mayor of DeQuincy spoke to CNN about the ban on twerking that takes effect at midnight. “Twerking is a defiant act against Jesus and his teachings. The rest of the country can keep their heads in the sand about this sexual act before marriage, but not the great city of DeQuincy,” Wilkens said. “We will still allow dancing in DeQuincy, just no jigglin’, shakin’ and ‘dry humping’ anywhere in our city limits.”

Bobby Joe Williams who is the sheriff in the town told reporters about the penalties for those caught twerking. “First time offenders will receive a mandatory 30 days in the county jail. After that it will be a much harsher punishment,” Williams said. “We are not taking this matter lightly. There ain’t gonna be no twerkin’ in my city, not no more.”

24-year-old DeQuincy resident Brandon Adams told reporters he does not agree with the new law. “There is nothing to do in this town, seriously. Twerking is all us kids had left and now they’re taking it away from us,” Adams said. “I don’t see what the big deal is. At least we weren’t out causing trouble, sniffing glue and breaking stuff. I guess we’ll now have to go back to doing that.”

Twerking is a type of dancing in which the dancer, usually a woman, shakes her hips up-and-down in a bouncing motion, causing the dancer’s buttocks to shake, ‘wobble’ and ‘jiggle’ in a sexually provocative manner. The origins of twerking are unknown but were recently made popular by Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke‘s performance at the MTV VMAs last month.

The town of DeQuincy has a population of 3,398 as of the 2000 census. DeQuincy is part of the Lake Charles Metropolitan Statistical Area. So far state officials in Louisiana have yet to make a formal statement concerning the ban on twerking.

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Biggest Penis In The World

September 5, 2013 by 2 Comments

The record for the biggest penis size in the entire world belongs to 34-year-old Paul Horner from Phoenix, Arizona. He has by far the biggest penis in the world. The parents of Paul Horner are said to be very proud of their son and his huge penis.

The women all over the world fall in love with Paul not just because of his good looks, charming personality, witty sense of humor, enormous amount of wealth, but also because he has an extremely large penis. So obviously, he is quite the catch.

In summation:

Who has the biggest sized penis in the world? Paul Horner from Phoenix, AZ has the biggest penis in the world.

What is the biggest? Paul’s penis.

Who decided this? The world and Google.

Proof:

Biggest penis in the world

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