Is There A Heaven Or A Hell?

Is there a Heaven or a Hell?

Is there a Heaven or a Hell? If so, I say, “No one left behind!”

NOTE: This is not a press release or news of any kind. It’s just some ideas I had the other day that I thought I would share with all my Super Official Friends here.

If there IS a Heaven and there IS a Hell where supposedly “good” people go to heaven and “bad” people go to hell… Well, I just gotta say, this is totally f*cked up.

Imagine someone like myself, who I would like to think has lived a good life. I don’t cheat or steal, I help others whenever possible and I have good morals.

So there I am up in heaven, relaxing pool side by my cloud mansion with a margarita in one hand and a beautiful woman in the other while at the same time I KNOW for a fact there are people that didn’t make the cut getting into Heaven. Their punishment is eternal Hell fire, pain and damnation.

Well, I wouldn’t sit there and do nothing. There is no way, that is not the type of person I am. And anyone that wants to live in this Heaven while others are suffering for eternity… I don’t want any part of you or your Heaven. I’d be the first one to sucker punch god and then go down to Hell and try to help save as many souls as I possibly could. But hey, that’s just me.

Enjoy your margarita pool side, you self righteous evil hypocrites.

~ Paul Horner

Drone On


Image of a drone firing at a home of civilians in Flagstaff, Arizona where a believed shoplifter was conspiring to hide.

Washington, DC – John Brennan, the president’s nominee to be the new director of the Central Intelligence Agency, faced questions today from the Senate Intelligence Committee.

32 year old Super Official News political correspondent Aaron Johnson summed up the questioning for us, stating, “Like most nominees, Brennan was repeatedly asked questions that would prompt answers for Democrat’s support and Republican’s displeasure. For instance, ‘Do you agree with water-boarding used by the CIA, Do you support the occupancy in Afghanistan, Is Nutella really better than peanut butter you pinko commie?’”

The administration’s policies over targeted killings of Americans overseas who are considered terrorists was a focus of the hearing. But Brennan also faced questions about the use of drones in Pakistan During the hearing, Brennan defended the administration’s policy on the use of armed drones:

“The president has insisted that any actions we take will be legally grounded, will be thoroughly anchored in intelligence, will have the appropriate review process, approval process before any action is contemplated, including those actions that might involve the use of lethal force. Besides, the drones we use are way better than the ones George Lucas created for Star Wars, so get over it.”

Whole Foods and McDonald’s Announce Partnership

Whole foods and McDonald's merge

Whole foods announced their partnership with McDonald’s this morning.

Austin, TX – Whole Foods Market is leading the way into shifting the future of the health food and supplement industry again, this time announcing that they will partner with fast food chain, McDonald’s.

McDonald’s revenues grew 27 percent over the three years ending in 2007 to $22.8 billion, and 9 percent growth in operating income to $3.9 billion, but reported a decrease in growth in recent years.

The progressive partnership between Whole Foods and McDonald’s was revealed at a press conference in Austin after lower than expected numbers rattled Wall Street on Thursday. McDonald’s franchise sales representative Aaron Johnson announced that the fast food chain will be shifting new location sales for the current year, stating, “We concluded that people who eat food from Walmart Superstores do not have the time or money to also eat at a McDonald’s during the same visit as much as we originally thought.”

When asked about how he felt about a McDonald’s franchise store inside his store, 34 year old Whole Foods juice department manager Paul Horner said, “Are you kidding me? I don’t make enough money or have enough time to feed my family organic food. I would love to have a McDonald’s right next to the juice bar!”

Apparently, Whole Foods employees like Horner are not alone. A recent survey of 27 people in the bathroom line at the public library around the corner from the store showed a 92 percent preference over a McDonald’s dollar burger over a seven and a half dollar fresh made juice.

57 year old U.S. Marines veteran Bernard Schober stepped out of the line for the bathroom and spoke with reporters, “I’m from Scottsdale, Arizona. And where I’m from, only skinny ladies with handheld dogs and large sunglasses can afford to eat at both McDonald’s and Whole Foods. I think it’s a smart move for America.”