Deep Thoughts by Paul Horner

This is a tribute to the comic genius Jack Handey, whose real name was actually Jack Handey.

• I opened up a fortune cookie recently that said to treat others how you would want to be treated. So now I walk around giving hand jobs to everyone I meet.

• Hostage negotiators really get on my nerves. They’re always asking me what I want, trying to calm me down, asking annoying questions about my hostages, but in the back off my mind I know they’re not really my friend. They are just using me for my hostages.

• Sometimes I wish I was BFFs with Suge Knight. We would go to the movies together, ride on the roller coasters and share our deepest secrets. But even with all that fun happening, I would always be worried about him killing me at any moment.

• What if Jesus didn’t really die for our sins? What if he died because he was nailed to a cross?

• Sometimes I’m frustrated when crimes go unsolved. What if it was the dogs who let themselves out?

• Some people like to make it rain at the strip club. I’m on a budget though so I can’t do that. Instead I throw nickles on the stage. I call it making it hail.

• Drinking five 5-hour energy drinks will give you 25 hours of energy, and since there is only 24 hours in a day, you will die.

• I know that things are changing and I’m getting older. I notice some of my friends are starting to have kids on purpose.

• My friend Dave came over the other day and I made us a pizza. He asked me if this was delivery and I asked him if he was fucking stupid.

• I wish I had a friend that did a lot of acid every day and always liked to explain how hard he was tripping balls. It would be even better if for a profession he was a fireman. He might not save any lives or even put out one fire, but it would be really funny.

• For April Fool’s Day I told my parents that I was gay. They then told me how happy they were and that they had always suspected it. Then I said, “Ha, ha, ha, just joking, April Fools!” It was the worst April Fool’s Day ever.

• What if the boys were already on their way to the yard and the milkshakes had nothing to do with it?

• I like giving girls orgasms. I don’t like it when they spit it out though.

[Updated 04-23-13] I did standup comedy with this material. I think it went alright. I hope you enjoy it!

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