Archives for February 2013

Drone On

February 8, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Drones

Image of a drone firing at a home of civilians in Flagstaff, Arizona where a believed shoplifter was conspiring to hide.

Washington, DC – John Brennan, the president’s nominee to be the new director of the Central Intelligence Agency, faced questions today from the Senate Intelligence Committee.

32 year old Super Official News political correspondent Aaron Johnson summed up the questioning for us, stating, “Like most nominees, Brennan was repeatedly asked questions that would prompt answers for Democrat’s support and Republican’s displeasure. For instance, ‘Do you agree with water-boarding used by the CIA, Do you support the occupancy in Afghanistan, Is Nutella really better than peanut butter you pinko commie?'”

The administration’s policies over targeted killings of Americans overseas who are considered terrorists was a focus of the hearing. But Brennan also faced questions about the use of drones in Pakistan During the hearing, Brennan defended the administration’s policy on the use of armed drones:

“The president has insisted that any actions we take will be legally grounded, will be thoroughly anchored in intelligence, will have the appropriate review process, approval process before any action is contemplated, including those actions that might involve the use of lethal force. Besides, the drones we use are way better than the ones George Lucas created for Star Wars, so get over it.”

Filed Under: Funny news, News Tagged With: , , , , ,

Whole Foods and McDonald’s Announce Partnership

February 8, 2013 by 2 Comments
Whole foods and McDonald's merge

Whole foods announced their partnership with McDonald’s this morning.

Austin, TX – Whole Foods Market is leading the way into shifting the future of the health food and supplement industry again, this time announcing that they will partner with fast food chain, McDonald’s.

McDonald’s revenues grew 27 percent over the three years ending in 2007 to $22.8 billion, and 9 percent growth in operating income to $3.9 billion, but reported a decrease in growth in recent years.

The progressive partnership between Whole Foods and McDonald’s was revealed at a press conference in Austin after lower than expected numbers rattled Wall Street on Thursday. McDonald’s franchise sales representative Aaron Johnson announced that the fast food chain will be shifting new location sales for the current year, stating, “We concluded that people who eat food from Walmart Superstores do not have the time or money to also eat at a McDonald’s during the same visit as much as we originally thought.”

When asked about how he felt about a McDonald’s franchise store inside his store, 34 year old Whole Foods juice department manager Paul Horner said, “Are you kidding me? I don’t make enough money or have enough time to feed my family organic food. I would love to have a McDonald’s right next to the juice bar!”

Apparently, Whole Foods employees like Horner are not alone. A recent survey of 27 people in the bathroom line at the public library around the corner from the store showed a 92 percent preference over a McDonald’s dollar burger over a seven and a half dollar fresh made juice.

57 year old U.S. Marines veteran Bernard Schober stepped out of the line for the bathroom and spoke with reporters, “I’m from Scottsdale, Arizona. And where I’m from, only skinny ladies with handheld dogs and large sunglasses can afford to eat at both McDonald’s and Whole Foods. I think it’s a smart move for America.”

Filed Under: News Tagged With: , ,

India Removing Women’s Eyes Who Are Caught Reading Books

February 5, 2013 by 15 Comments
India girls not allowed to read

Punjab, India has officially banned females from reading books. Any woman caught reading will face the consequences set forth by the newly created Punjab Anti-Reading Task Force.

Punjab, INDIA — Located on the edge of India in the northwest corner of the region, the state of Punjab is taking drastic measures to prevent women from reading books, they are permanently removing their eyes.

23-year-old Harikrishna Majumdar who heads up the newly created Punjab Anti-Reading Task Force (PARTF) explained to reporters the importance of what they are doing. “Woman in our villages were starting to speak out and question us, the powerful all-knowing man. We did some figuring of the matter and found out it was all because the females were beginning to learn how to write their names and even learning the letters of the alphabet,” Majumdar said. “Well, after a while, what do you know happens? Soon these unloyal females were reading actual books. Like real books, found in some  store, that sells books. I became sick to my stomach. So the task force was made to put an end to this silly nonsense once and for all.” Majumdar continued, “Now if a woman is caught reading, she will expect to never use her eyes again, especially to read a book. We are not playing around here, that is for 100% positive.”

Majumdar explained the various incentive programs that encourage men in Punjab to report women who are believed to be reading or possessing a book. “If a man turns in a female caught reading, that man will be rewarded with one ‘rape point’. If a man gets a total of five ‘rape points’, he is allowed to rape the woman of his choice in the village, no questions asked,” Majumdar said. “Rape points can also be redeemed for other things such as stereo systems and even downloads on iTunes. For only eight rape points you can get an entry into next year’s world famous Punjab Rape Festival.”

34-year-old Paul Horner who is in Punjab on business said he does not approve of what is happening in the country. “What the f*ck is wrong with these people?! Not allowing woman to read, or they will have their eyeballs removed? My work needs to stop sending me to these backward sh*tholes otherwise I’m quitting, that’s all there is to it.”

Majumdar finished the press conference by explaining the possibilities for the future of the task force and the program. “Men will always be smarter than women, that is just a fact. So removing their eyes might not be necessary, but seriously, who would want to be with a female that can read? Not I, that is for sure. I would rather see my country filled with millions of blind women rather than see one woman dare to question a man,” said Majumdar. “It all comes down to the idea of females having intelligence, how annoying would that be? That’s almost like having sex with a camel who is circumcised… it just makes no sense.”

###

WANT TO HELP THE WOMEN IN INDIA? THEN DO SOMETHING!

Giveindia.org gives 90%-95% of the money that you donate directly to the cause of helping women in India. This money provides them with proper education, shelter, food, help in getting out of abusive relationships, rape counseling and much more!

Click here to donate!

rapes in India

UPDATE 11/7/13: Woman of India, it’s your fault.

UPDATE 10/8/13:
View India’a Response Here

UPDATE 10/9/13:
India Ends Diplomatic Relations With The U.S. Over Satirical Article

UPDATE 11/13/13:
Top India police official says, “If you can’t prevent rape, you enjoy it.”

Filed Under: News Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

SMG Says Super Bowl Blackout Was Prank Played By Employee

February 4, 2013 by 23 Comments
Super Bowl blackout

Photo from Sunday’s Super Bowl blackout at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans.

New Orleans, LA — The mysterious blackout during Sunday’s Super Bowl at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans is not a mystery any longer. SMG, the Superdome’s management company, told reporters this evening that after careful review of their tapes, the culprit has been found.

Paul Covington of SMG explained the situation and how they were able to determine who was responsible for the power outage. “We thoroughly reviewed the security videos from Sunday and during this time witnessed 34-year-old Paul Horner, one of our now ex-employees, setting a timer on the lights,” Covington said. “At first Horner denied the accusations but after viewing footage from the video has since confessed. He claimed to have done it as a tribute to Black History Month.”

Earlier today NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell spoke at a press conference denying rumors that the halftime show somehow caused the blackout. “There’s no indication at all that this was caused by the halftime show,” Goodell said. ”Absolutely none. I know that’s been out there, to say that Beyonce’s halftime show had anything to do with it. That’s not the case from anything we have at this point.”

One of Horner’s longtime friends told reporters they suspected that he was the one responsible for the blackout. “We all knew Paul worked for the company that ran the lights at the Superdome. We also knew how much he loved pulling pranks, well this is his masterpiece I guess,” 39-year-old New Orleans resident Lori Dynneson said. “For him to do it, saying it was a tribute to Black History Month is just classic Horner. I don’t think Paul even has one black friend.”

SMG immediately terminated Horner’s employment after he confessed to being responsible for the 35-minute blackout during Sunday’s Super Bowl. Police have yet to determine if he will face criminal charges or not.

Filed Under: News Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
« Previous Page