Just when you thought the drug problem in Colorado could not get any worse, law enforcement officials are now reporting incidents of marijuana users turning gay.
“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said Dr. Paul Horner of the Barrow Neurological Institute. “The drug users in Colorado are injecting a strain of marijuana that changes the chemical makeup in the brain. The drug effects the receptors that controls your like or dislike of the opposite sex.”
Tom Downey, the chief of operations at the DEA, told CNN that marijuana related problems in Colorado have quadrupled since the legalization of the drug. “I have to say this…going down the path to legalization in this country is reckless and irresponsible,” he said. “I’m talking about the long term impact of legalization in the United States. It scares us. And now that kids are turning gay from the drug, how much longer do politicians need to keep this deadly experiment going?”
John Winger from Denver told reporters about his experience using the drug. “Right after I injected the pot I knew something was wrong,” Winger said. “My male friend, who I don’t even really like, we were so high from this stuff, we started making out and giving each other HJ’s. I used to like girls, seriously. I wish I would have never tried drugs.”
“We don’t have a name yet for this new strain of gay marijuana,” Downey said. “I urge the great people of Colorado to be on the lookout for addicts, the sharing of pot needles and gay stoners. These potheads don’t care if they turn gay or not, all they care about is getting their next fix.”
The DEA is urging residents who have information about this homosex strain of marijuana to call the Denver Police Department at (785) 273-0325. As always, you can remain anonymous.
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Doctors in Africa are reporting that a 36-year-old man has made an 80% recovery after receiving the first ever head transplant.
Horner, whose body was riddled with bone cancer, received the donor body from a 21-year-old man who has been brain dead from a car accident back in 2012.
Doctors are excited about the surgery and expect Horner to make a full recovery within one year.
One of the doctors that performed the surgery told reporters, “After the success of this surgery, the possibilities to saving and improving lives are infinite.”
“Americans tend to work hard and pray harder. I’m asking them to make these changes for the good of the country during these hard times,” Obama said. “If things don’t work out within 6 months we can always switch back to the old way, but for now, lets give this a solid shot and see where it takes us.” Obama says during these times it is crucial to take drastic measures so Americans can work work harder and pray less. There will be no hoarding and what a gallon of milk will cost you today will cost you a gallon of milk in 6 months. These are crucial times my friends and we must stick together as a county if we are going to succeed.”
36-year-old Paul Horner from Phoenix, Arizona told MSNCB he is not effected by Obama’s changes.
“I don’t even go to church, I think it’s for suckers,” said Horner. “A mystery man in the sky telling you what and what not to do; anyone that believes that is batsh*t and needs to get their head examined. Personally I enjoy my Sunday watching Football or mowing the lawn,” Horner said, “My wife yells at me for not gong to church and says I set a bad example for the children, but what does she know, she’s a woman who believes in a talking man in the sky.”
Obama finished the press conference by saying we must all unite or chaos and anarchy could happen.
“I’m implementing nationwide 10PM curfew for now on to protect our citizens and our streets.” Obama said. “This is not a police state, this is to safeguard the people of this great country and financially bring it back to what it once was.”
If you have any questions about President Obama’s new 2-week church schedule that will be taking place May 1st a hotline has been setup to answer all your questions at (785) 273-0325.
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Reporting on all things fun and exciting! Michael Davies has won many awards including a Peabody and Pulitzer Prize, but says his proudest achievement in life is his 8-year-old girl name Heather.
This is bullshit! Just because Obama says I can’t go to church, well guess what buddy, I’m going to church!
Obama is always pulling some kind of nonsense…. taking away are freedom of speech and now our ability to go to church…. it’s for an uprising in this country!
I’m going to church and I’d like to see Obama try to stop me!