The Ass Press
Posted: 07/6/2012 6:00:14 AM PDT
Arlington, VA — Pressured by citizens outraged with the recent inappropriate actions taken by certain TSA screeners, free gifts will now be made available to anyone receiving a full body cavity search. The TSA believes giving out free gifts will be a great way to improve their image and reputation among the general public.
The TSA’s search procedures and full body scanners have been hot topics of discussion ever since 9-11. Supporters of the TSA and their search methods say this is a first line of defense against stopping terrorism. Critics on the other hand say this is a complete waste of tax payer money that invades personal freedoms and privacy and has proven to show no real results. Public outcry has increased over the years especially after some of the TSA’s recent blunders that have been caught on video, which have then gone viral on the internet.
An insider with the TSA, who chose to remain anonymous, says they are aware of the problems and that is one of the reasons these free gifts are being made available to the public. “We’ve heard all the complaints and horror stories. The long lines at the airport, the lack of privacy, stop touching my junk… we’ve heard it all. We’re also aware that anyone could pretty much get anything past these scanners if they really wanted to. We know that a bomb sniffing dog would be 100x more efficient and at 1/1000th of the cost, but then the lobbyists and makers of these scanners don’t get money. Though I think most of the negativity from the public will change once they start getting free gifts. Who wouldn’t want a free gift, especially after being anally penetrated by a complete stranger?”
TSA supervisor Paul Horner told reporters that he enjoys his work and takes it extremely serious. “I love what I do. I’m stopping these god*amn terrorists from killing more people. Everyday that I go to work I feel like I’m saving lives. Plus I get to see beautiful woman naked all day long. Lots of gross ones too, but hey, that comes with the job.”
The TSA says the free gifts are mainly comprised of things taken from people that come through the scanners. Joel Massanti a spokesman for the TSA explained to reporters what some of the free gifts will include. “If a traveler is giving us a hard time they’ll probably end up ‘missing’ a couple t-shirts or something in their luggage, so there’s a free gift for someone that’s just received a full body cavity search.” Massanti continued, “Plus I’m excited to say that we’re also giving out pretty amazing gift baskets too. They will contain things such as pecans, chocolates, crackers, cheese, and even a nice sparkling cider. All of this will be presented in a gorgeous wicker basket with a yellow bow. I think it’s going to be really nice to see the look on a traveler’s face as they are pulling up their pants to learn the news that they are getting a free gift basket. Who wouldn’t want to fly now?”
Don’t have the money to fly? No problem. Mitt Romney has you covered.