No “Munchies” Remain After Washington State Legalizes Marijuana

Marijuana addict in Seattle Washington smoking pot Seattle, WA— Marijuana advocates and users in Washington state are celebrating today as possession and use of marijuana has become %100 legal under state law. Though sudden problems have arisen from these new laws that state and local officials were not ready for. It turns out that when a marijuana addict uses their drug, they crave food, food that is commonly known in the drug scene as “munchies“. Unfortunately now that marijuana is legal, a shortage of “munchies” has occurred.

It’s complete chaos out there on the streets says Eric Burns who is the manager of ABC Supermarket in Seattle. “Hoards of stoned kids high on pot, like zombies, have been coming into our store all day long. They reek of marijuana and patchouli,” Burns said. “They’ve cleared out more than 95% of our junk food and we don’t get another shipment in for at least another two or three weeks.” Suddenly Burns’ anger turns into almost tears, “Do you know that we currently have no more Cheetos in stock right now? I f*cking love Cheetos.”

Courtney Groves a reporter with King5 News in Seattle overheard three pot addicts talking about the “munchies” they were going to purchase at a local convenience store after they were done smoking their marijuanas. Groves was able to get this conversation on tape. What you are about to hear may disturb you. Parental supervision is strongly advised:

“Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip. Beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s’mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap’n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on ’em, with water, whole lotta water, and… Funyons.”

Groves stops the recording and says that is when the second pot addict chimed in saying, “Yeah, and get me a box of condoms, and, what was that thing we used to eat back in the day?” Groves pauses for a second and then speaks. “That’s when he said the word ‘p*ssy’.”

Senator Paul Horner from Texas told reporters he thinks it’s a disgrace what it happening in Washington. “It’s just a matter of time before one of these pot addicts will steal a baby and use it as a ritual in some sort of demonic sacrifice,” Horner said. “Also, I’m sure all these kids using the pot expect free medical treatment once they start to overdose. Yeah, that figures. Smoke your deadly drugs, crave your munchies and baby fetuses for satanic rituals, and then expect the state to provide you with free health care. This country is going to pot, literally.”

President Obama said he thinks it’s great to see what is happening in Washington. “I think it’s nice to see these young folks out there, having fun, listening to their Reggae albums or Sublime song of their choice.” Obama continued, “I just hope they remember to stay safe and remember to always pass it to the left.”

Even though cops in Washington can no longer issue tickets for marijuana, they have been issuing warnings and citations for users that are using the words “dude, bro, man, and stoked” too much in public.

Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) agent Paul Covington from Washington said he’s excited about arresting as many of these marijuana users as possible. “Obama is setting them all up, and we’re knocking em’ all down,” Covington said. “Obama to this day, since taking office, has given the DEA the green light to raid any marijuana dispensary, arrest anyone selling marijuana and put anyone possessing marijuana in prison. Be it a gram or a hundred pounds, you’re all going to jail, regardless of what laws your state may have passed.” Covington continued, “Federal always trumps state, so smoke up kiddies, we’ll be coming for you.”

A state of emergency may be issued, says Governor Christine Gregoire from Washington. “Anyone out there that has Hostess Cupcakes, Starbursts, Totino’s pizza rolls or snack food of any other kind, please, give what you can,” Gregoire said. The Red Cross and the National Guard have setup a 24 hour hotline for your donations. Call the Washington Munchie Crisis Hotline at (785) 273-0325 for more information and how to donate.

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Mitt Romney’s Economic Plan Unveiled Today In Washington

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/29/2012 6:00:14 PM PDT

Mitt Romney laid out his groundbreaking economic plan to fix the economy at a press conference today in Washington.Washington, DC — Mitt Romney held a press conference today to announce his full-proof plan to fix the economy once in office. “We can completely eliminate poverty and most of the lower class just by simply lowering the requirements to be in the middle class,” Romney told reporters. “Being part of the middle class usually means your household as a whole makes an annual income of $50-$100k a year. By decreasing this number to only $4-$5k a year, that means there would no longer be a lower class. Problem solved.”

Paul Horner who is a senior political analyst for FOX News said that he is glad Romney finally unveiled his economic plans for recovery and approves of his message. “Up to this point is has been unclear of Romney’s exact plans to fix the economy,” said Horner. “But after these genius ideas of his today, I can see our current recession ending immediately and the United States returning to the super power it once was.” Horner continued, “Can you imagine a United States with almost 95% less of a lower class and the economy rebounding virtually overnight? We would once again return to the great country that we used to be when George Bush was in office.”

Romney spoke about the current state of the nation’s poor and his plans to fix the economy. “Obama wants to give the lower class free everything for the rest of their lives. He wants to keep them at that poverty level, where they feel they are entitled to housing, food, health care, you name it. But not me, I want to help them,” Romney said. “I say empower these individuals with that feeling of accomplishment. They will join the ranks of the working middle class and will have no problem paying for all the stuff they were receiving for free when they were at those old poverty levels.”

Walter White who is the campaign manager for Romney agrees with the new plans laid out by the presidential nominee. “It’s absolutely brilliant! Overnight Romney will eliminate trillions of dollars that is currently being wasted on programs meant for just the lower class. Imagine how much more useful that money would be in spending it on things like wars?” White continued, “Wars aren’t cheap and with all the extra funds collected from Romney’s economic plan it would ensure that we could bomb any country we wanted to without a moments notice. How cool would that be?”

36-year old Becky Lynn Daniels from Dequincy, Louisiana has been on disability since 2003 after a car accident paralyzed her from the waist down. She told reporters that she is excited about possibly joining the ranks of the middle class. “Before with all the handouts I was receiving, I was just barely getting by. I was definitely part of the lower class. I was in a wheel chair and I couldn’t work,” Daniels said. “But if I could join the middle class, I think I would finally have a chance to succeed in life. I could see myself getting a job as a ticket-taker at a movie theater or something. It might be hard to pay for rent, utilities, food, transportation, clothing, doctor bills and medications, but I know Mr. Romney would be there rooting for me.” Daniels paused and visibly shed a tear,”Mitt Romney is truly a great and compassionate man.”

  • Mitt Romney’s New Economic Plan 24-Hour Hotline: (785) 273-0325